


Look Me In The Eyes (and tell me what you see)

by sleepwalkn



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolf, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Lena Luthor-centric, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-01-07 01:10:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 94,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18400076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepwalkn/pseuds/sleepwalkn
Summary: She knows that if they really knew her, it would be so much worse. If they knew what she really was, she would quickly become the most feared Luthor there is. If they saw what really lies beneath the clean, pristine, untroubled surface no one would hear of Lex as the monster. They would hear of her.Because underneath her skin, deep inside her muscles is a hot, unrelenting energy dying to be released, just vibrating in the anticipation of being used on Lena’s truest form, warming her bones and setting her entire body on fire. On the deepest part of her soul, rests the animalistic part of her, waiting to to be fed.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s 7pm and she’s been in the office for a long amount of time today, so it is starting to get on her nerves. The white, impersonal walls and expensive furniture of the room – chosen to help Lena remember the professional environment she’s in and to push her into making decisions specifically rationally (something she desperately needs to remind herself from time to time) - that usually provide her an emotionless and refreshing scenario, but it seems like that today the starkness of the room makes her tremble with pent up emotion.

Just today.

She’s not really that surprised, honestly. After spending her day in meetings with snobby middle aged men and women, who mistakenly think that their knowledge is proportional to their wisdom and prejudice, barking orders at her and poorly trying to disguise their scoffs and insults with an ill placed dear or honey or worse, kid, amongst every other sentence that comes out of their mouths. And sure, she’s young. She’s a 27-year old female surrounded by people around their fifties (and some even more). But she’s also the boss. She holds the most amount of shares of the company (after everything that went down with brother dearest) and even though it belongs to the Luthors, she worked hard for it. Always desperatly trying to be the best at whatever she was doing, to show Lionel she was worth saving all those years ago, and to make Lillian realize that she’s more than just a rescue. 

But of course, none of her coworkers know that. To them she’s just another Luthor, raised into wealthy, never needing to work for anything in her life, including the company. Raised to compete for the world’s spotlight as a savior, like Lex. To try to aniquilate those who are doing some good, like Lex. To murder anyone who, purposefully or not, gets in the way, like Lex. To envy power, like Lex.

And really, she can’t blame them. She knows that if they really knew her, it would be so much worse. If they knew what she really was, she would quickly become the most feared Luthor there is. If they saw what really lies beneath the clean, pristine, untroubled surface no one would hear of Lex as the monster. They would hear of her.

Because underneath her skin, deep inside her muscles is a hot, unrelenting energy dying to be released, just vibrating in the anticipation of being used on Lena’s truest form, warming her bones and setting her entire body on fire. On the deepest part of her soul, rests the animalistic part of her, her wolf, waiting to to be fed.

That’s why she’s so careful with the situations she chooses to find herself in. She needs neutral and dispassionate rooms, to remind her that, to her, emotion is a curse.

Because passion is what feeds the beast within her, and it sets all the energy free, leaving her painfully gasping for whatever control she has left, until it finally slips between her fingers and all her inhibitions lower, resulting in the monster she so hard tries to fight but who eventually always ends up winning.

* * *

 

_She was in the park with her mom, being her 7-year-old self, and playing with her friend Anna, a girl with a funny voice and long red hair,while mommy is sitting in a bench, enjoying the sun rays and their warmth as she watches over them. They’re not doing anything in specific, but both end up having a wonderful time just doing nothing and anything at all when together._

_She knows she’s different. Mommy has told her before. She warns Lena to be careful and always keep in mind that she can hurt others, if she’s not gentle enough._

_Lena doesn’t really understand it though. As she looks at the people around her, she doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary about herself. She asks her mom once, when they are both lying down in her own small bed,while the rest of her ridiculously big family are in some sort of secret meeting she doesn’t get ,nor does she want to._

_”Why is it that I’m different?” she asks carefully, almost afraid to break the loveand affection filled bubble she and her dear mother have settled in._

_The only answer she gets is a whispered “You’ll see one day, darling”, and a kiss in the forehead that signals the end of the conversation._

_So, that’s why she doesn’t really think about it as she pushes Anna back, afer the girl shoved Lena playfully in the shoulders. She does think about it as the girls moves nearly 2 meters away from her, and settles on the ground, hitting her shoulder with a distinctive clack that signals that Lena definitely did something wrong._

_A few moments pass, where Lena stares at her own hands quizzically, as if the reason for her sudden and weird display of strength would suddenly appear on her palms. Then some people reunite around Anna, who is now crying way too loudly, so much so that it makes Lena’s eardrums hurt and her hands immediately dart up to cover them._

_She looks at Anna, and the pain she’s caused her and she decides to ignore her own suffering and run to her friend’s side, make sure she’s okay and apologize. She tries to take some careful steps towards Anna, but every inche she gets closer, the louder become the sounds and stronger the pain. Thankfully, the next thing she knows, her mother is dragging her away by the crook of her elbow, rushing toward their house, and Lena doesn’t even resist her, despite her concern for her friend, because the pain becomes unbarable, and suddenly a wave of uncertainty fills her brain, making her wonder if this is what mommy meant when she said she was different._

_As soon as they are at a safe distance away, far enough that her brain doesn’t feel like it’s being pierced, her mother crouches in front of her, her hazel brown eyes focus on Lena’s green ones with apologies written on their irises, affection on their pupils. Soft words are whispered to the 7-year-old, variations of “You are okay”, “I’m sorry, darling” to “Everything’s going to be alright”._

_Both she and her mother were in such a hurry to walk away, that they fail to see a man in the middle of the commotion, staring at Lena with morbid curiosity. The same men that, while he eyes them getting away, snaps a picture of them to send to his henchmen._

_They fail to see Lionel._

* * *

 

Staring at the walls of her work place is becoming too much for her to handle alone, so she decides to walk to her drinks counter, to hopefully get a glass of scotch to accompany her while she tries to ease up her emotions, specially her frustration.

But of course, she thinks, of course she had to run out of scotch in this particularly day.

Having her anger and frustration doubled, she feels her body hum. Her eyes get hot, uncomfortably so, signaling that her green eyes must be a certain beastly vibrant shade of green (Lillian used to say, with a great amount of awe in her eyes, that her eyes become the colour of glowing kryptonite. Only now does Lena think about it with a certain amount of disgust towards her adoptive mother’s sick interest) and that there are surely crazy amounts of red angry veins around them. She can feel her teeth sharpening inside her mouth, stretching through her gums. Her muscles and bones strain against her skin, and she’s trembling. Either because of the pain or the feelings rushing through her chest, dispersing to every inch of her body. Probably both.

But she can’t turn. She knows it. As soon as she takes her animalistic shape, all her inhibitions will lower. While on her human form, when emotions affect her, she takes the time to analyse their source, make rational decisions in order to be able to discarde the feelings and assume a neutral mask. As a wolf, the process is drastically cut short, because as soon as her sentiments surge on her mind, all reasoning thought is ignored, and she breaks loose. And after she's freed,it takes a lot to tame her back. And she knows it’s not her fault. She was never taught how to control herself, instead they taught her to hide. And she’s still fighting to keep it that way.

 It’s been 10 years since her last transformation, and there’s a reason for that. Even if refusing her wolf is painful, as her body reminds her, the hot and dense energy inside her is making her shiver while she sweats, making her look feverish. All the while her brain shuts down, as if purposefully trying to make her stop analyzing her emotions and letting herself feel them, letting them and it take control of her. And it tires her mind immensely.

But, after a decade of refusing that part of herself, she knows what to do. Knows how to prevent herself from liberty. So, she forces herself to take a deep breath, try to make her breathing even out, focusing on it. And it works, but she knows it’s only temporary. In these moments she strains to remember her mother’s warm brown eyes, and warmer voice, telling her “Everything’s going to be fine”.

That’s actually her biggest fear. To eventually give in to the other part of herself, let it take control of her life and of her decisions. She knows what will happen if she gives up on the fight. She’s seen it happen before. And she knows that if anyone were to see her like that, the damage she causes, the few believers (if any) she has left after everything that happened with the Luthors, will leave her. _And whose fault is that,_ a voice that sounds suspiciously like Lillian screams in her head.

After she’s calmed herself down – wich took approximately 8 minutes – she decides that maybe alcohol will help her relax more. So she takes some reports home to finish later, and makes her way out the office. Walking down familiar empty hallways – she sent Jess away a long time ago saying that “Just because I stay after 5pm doesn’t mean you have to, Jess” – she decides to go to her favourite liquor store, the one that is usually empty due to it’s exclusively old and expensive alcohol available, to buy more scotch and wine, seizing this opportunity to take a walk, hoping it will help her shutting her inner turmoil.

Therefor, she sends her driver home for the day, sending her regards to his wife in the process, and makes her way down the 4 blocks it takes to get to the store.

As she walks she figures she made the right decision, because the fresh breeze of the wind hits her face just right and it makes her slightly still heated cheeks cool down a bit, leveling out her temper with it. It’s almost as if her brain is the vast sea and her thoughts are the ship. During the pre-turning hiatus, her brain shuts off, leaving her thoughts paralyzed and weighting her down slowly. But the wind makes them move again, letting them be pushed around in her brain, being understood and it slowly brings her equilibrium back. Lionel taught her well. 

Lena’s already at the front of the booze store, and she’s almost completely relaxed, so much that she actually lets her head loll a bit to the side to relieve the tenseness of the tendons and junctures of her neck, letting her eyes slip briefly shut. And that’s when suddenly an overwhelmingly _beautiful_ smell invades her heightened senses. And really, it’s the only way she can find to describe it. It’s a beautiful mix of sunshine, lavender and rain that leaves her perplexed on the side walk, looking for it’s source.

And suddenly she finds blue eyes, that are inexplicably already focusing on her. Her smell makes her justice, Lena thinks as she takes in her appearance, perhaps using a little bit of her enhanced speed to roam her eyes over her and take in what she sees, hoping to go unnoticed. She processes pink full lips, separated enough to show a row of straight white teeth, high cheekbones and sharp jawline, blonde hair and slightly scrunched eyebrows, forming a small, pretty crinkle in the middle of them. _Yep, beautiful._

She starts feeling a warmth spreading through her, and feels her heart drum quickly against her own ears, and she quickly remembers the reason she’s standing outside the store. Shaking her head slightly and focusing on her breaths all over again, she calms herself down enough to start making her way inside the store, hoping that the other girl didn’t sense her derailing thoughts about her while she stood there looking at her.

She supposes that by the way the woman is looking at her, Lena probably took too long admiring her appearance, forgetting about the going unnoticed part of her plan.

With a grimace at her own incapacity to go unnoticed because of her weirdness, Lena quickly makes her way inside.

The coziness of the small store truly helps her calm down. After spending her entire day in meetings, conference calls while she stares at the neutral walls of her office and answers emails, the shelves filled with bottles that stretch all around the room, almost hiding dark red walls, and the few brown sofas spread around the room are a welcome and soft choice for her to relax in. There are very few costumers in the room (barely more than half a dozen), and the people there are actually choosing their bottles, resulting in a quiet environment that Lena is quite thankful for.

Minutes later, after she’s selected her bottle of scotch and finds herself focused on finding a nice bottle of wine to bring home, she accidently bumps into a shorter woman. She quickly places her hand on the woman’s forearm to make sure she doesn’t fall, taking advance of her strength. After she makes sure the woman’s secured, she lets go, raising her palm in an open gesture of apology, one she quickly starts giving.

“I’m so sorry. I wasn’t looking where I was going, I got a little distracted…” Lena apologizes, bringing the hand that isn’t holding the bottle to the back of her neck, rubbing it gently, as if that would make the situation less awkward. _Very smart of you, Lena,_ the voice Lillian alike says in her head again, _What_ a _disappointment._

“Don’t worry about it, it’s totally fine.” The shorter woman says, smiling at Lena. The CEO takes this moment to observe her dark hair, her dark eyes and profound dimples. She smells of cocoa and vanilla, but Lena smells the remains of something familiar, but she quickly lets it go. Her heart is beating calmly, so Lena figures there won’t be trouble. Then she focuses on the hand she is holding, moving her gaze up until she’s looking at auburn short hair and brown eyes, which are focusing on her intently. _So I’ve been recognized, way to sour my mood even more,_ Lena thinks. The taller woman smells of coffee and sandalwood, but the familiar sent is also there, and it’s strong enough for Lena to recognize it as the beautiful scent she caught outside. She’s thrown back a bit by this.

Upon seeing the look this woman is giving her, she quickly nods to the both of them, the action being both another apology and a farewell, whichever they interpret it as. She’s about to move towards the checking out counter when the woman who was just analyzing her with just a look speaks to her, which both surprises Lena, and somewhat challenges her (she guesses the latter is because of her inner wolf, suddenly waking itself up, though Lena quickly forces him down).

“Those are nice bottles you picked. I have to say you have good taste in your alcohol. I’m Alex, and this is my girlfriend, Maggie.” The woman says, and her curious look is momentarily replaced with affection as she says the word girlfriend and looks at the shorter woman, who Lena now knows is Maggie.

“Hello. I’m Lena. Lena Luthor.” She adds as an afterthought, intent on making sure her last name is clear before they decide to speak to her again. Afraid that if they decide to befriend her (Really Lena, you just met!) without knowing who she is, she might get some whiplash when they find out. Which has happened to her, a lot, and after so many times happening it is still not a very good feeling to feed herself with. Sadness and disappointment with a side of guilt.

It startles her that instead of a slim excuse and a quick get away, both woman actually smile at her. Lena feels herself relax at that and they make casual conversation while waiting in the line to pay for their bottles. Lena learns that Alex works for the FBI and Maggie is a detective, which admitelly makes her suspicious and a little disappointed at finding out where their politeness came from, but she figures she probably won’t see them again, and she doesn’t have anything to hide, except herself anyway.

Nowadays it’s impossible to forget her true colours. Not only the identity she struggles to keep buried, but her las name as well.

She still shudders as she remembers her brother’s descent to madness. Remembers as the months pass by the less she sees him, and the colder his eyes become. She should have paid more attention to the signs, maybe if she wasn’t so busy thinking about herself and trying to figure out ways to hide, she could’ve seen the way Lex was beginning to show himself. After all, what are all the amplified senses and intelligence worth if she couldn’t save her own brother. Someone who was once pure and deserved saving. Just as he somehow saved her.

So maybe that’s why she’s tossing her carefulness aside and talking to two police woman, thinking she deserves some kind of punishment, even if it’s not necessarily prison, she thinks that the constant reminder of other’s wariness towards her, despite her best efforts to prove them wrong, stings enough. Or maybe she’s just incredible lonely. She expects it’s both.

She finds herself actually enjoying their easy conversation as they slip outside the store, being told stories about law enforcement funny situations and sharing some CEO anecdotes as well, when suddenly they’re interrupted.

“Alex! What took you so long? I’ve been waiting for almost 15 minutes.” Lena is suddenly overwhelmed by the smell, the distance between her and the beautiful smelling woman is way smaller than before, too much for Lena to handle. Her body starts feeling a little warm again, but Lena promptly ignores it, hoping to go unnoticed during this interaction, not like before she walked in the store. Now, the woman isn’t focused on her, is actually whining and pouting at Alex, so Lena thinks this is a good start (and that it’s _adorable)._

“Ups…” Alex says, giggling a bit. “Sorry, Kara. We lost track of time.” Alex says, looking genuinely sorry at the beautiful woman. Kara.

“Yeah, Little Danvers, our bad.” Maggie says, rubbing her neck not unlike Lena did when she was apologizing to her. Maggie must think of this too because she suddenly turns towards Lena, startling her when she was trying hard to be ignored and focusing on her breathing. “Kara, this is Lena. We just met after she jumped me in front of Alex” Maggie says, winking at Lena and laughing after receiving an elbow strike from Alex, though she too is laughing. 

The joke seems to fly right through Kara’s head though, as she simply looks at Lena with a tilted head and a smile on her lips. The look she’s giving is enough to make Lena’s body heat up even more and her pulse and breathing become faster, though there is no sting in her muscles, heat in her eyes or cuts in her mouth. It still scares Lena, nonetheless.

Then, Kara extends a hand towards her with an exited “Nice to meet you! I’m Kara. But you already know that, because Alex and Maggie already mentioned that…” she finishes that sentence with an adjustment to already perfectly adjusted glasses, and if Lena thought her body couldn’t hum more, she’s incredibly wrong. Lena shakes her hand and then replies with a nod, because she’s not sure she should open her mouth, afraid her teeth sharpened without her noticing.

She decides to risk it though, thinking that the quicker she goes away the safer she and all of them will be from her other self. So she smiles at Kara, closed mouthed, and turns to Alex and Maggie.

“It was nice to meet you.” She says, avoiding looking them in the eyes for too long, knows that it is because of her literally hot and bothered state. “But I should probably go, it’s getting late and I still have to get some work done.” Which technically isn’t a lie, though the lateness has nothing to do with it as she knows she won’t be able to sleep that much at all.

Maggie is eyeing between her and Kara curiously, which admittedly scares Lena. She watches as Maggie acquires a glint in her eye and her lips stretch with a small smirk, alarming Lena.

“We should hang out together one of these days. Why don’t you give me your number?” She says. Lena is a bit surprised by this, and apparently so is Kara, but Alex doesn’t seem to have any realms against it, her heart rate calm and smiling, contrasting against the weird look she gave Lena when she first saw her.

The CEO knows she probably shouldn’t give to her. After all Lena is a werewolf Luthor (troubling combination), and Maggie and Alex are cops. But when she looks at Kara she’s beaming at Lena, with a curious gleam in her eyes, and Lena absolutely knows that she needs to get away from this girl as soon as possible. She figures that if she declines, not only will they think she’s as cold as her family (which she knows shouldn’t bother her but does anyway), but they might also try to insist on it, making her come up with arguments, and given the state she’s currently in, it’s going to be hard and take too long.

So she nods and complies, reluctantly giving Maggie her number. They exchange goodbyes and just as she’s about to leave Kara speaks to her.

“I’ll see you later.” Maybe it’s the fact that those words were accompanied with a soft smile. Or maybe it’s the feeling that has habituated itself on Lena’s body since she saw Kara, but it hits too close to home, making Lena turn on her heel fast after nodding to Kara and taking off quickly towards that house.

She remembers when those words were whispered to her once, by her mother, and the circumstances they were muttered in, and as she falls into memory lane a sudden wave of emotion crashes her, leaving her once again burning all over, and struggling to breath and think, as the memories also crash in waves.

* * *

 

_It’s been a few months since the park accident with Anna, and upon her mother’s insistence she hasn’t seen her friend again._

_Really she almost hasn’t left the house, and everytime she does, her mother comes with her, never letting her out of her side, and being the one playing with her, because that way she won’t hurt anyone._

_Her mother also explained to her the reasons why she’s different. And perhaps that’s the only reason why Lena actually respects her mother wishes to become a bit isolated, because she also becomes a bit scared of herself. Her mother has told her about being a descendent of a small and unknowk Irish town where a clandestine factory built as a primordial nuclear energy usain, strategically placed there due to its reclusiveness. She tells Lena about it's explosion, releasing radioactive energy; tells her about their DNA change, resulting in having enhanced senses, such as sight, hearing, smell, accompanied by also enhanced strength, instincts and reflexes, all of which are combined with her family's moral need of great leadership and decision making skills, the collectiveness of it all resulting on being extra clever as well. The wolf analogy was quickly set to use. But it wasn't until her mother's parents in the 60's effectively merged wolf DNA with their own that the comparison was completely considered adequate._

_But all of those qualities did nothing for her, as in her 8th birthday, the surprise wasn’t arranged by her family at all, and it wasn’t pleasant either._

_They were at the dinner table. The adults drinking and talking loudly while Lena, being the only pup in the family, ate silently, studying everyone at the table and enjoying the fact that the others were enjoying themselves._

_Suddenly, Julius, the man who usually takes the night shift to watch the outside of the propertie she lives in, looking for any sight of intruders, bursted through the door looking panicked and yelling incoherently about people bursting through their gates._

_Faster then Lena could understand what was happening, everyone, including her mom, was transforming into their wolf bodies and forming a barricade in front of the main door. Though Lena, as she was young and didn’t know how or if she had the ability to change, decided to go hide under the stair case, and keeping her head out to see what was going on._

_A few tense silent moments pass, with all the pack waiting in anticipation until the doors bursted open, about 20 men with funny looking guns walked in. They shooted whatever rays were coming out of the weapons everywhere, hitting all her family members some how, resulting in a blood bath right in front of Lena’s eyes. It was to much._

_A broken sob escaped her as she watched everyone she knew get slaughtered, and her mother heard as she quickly came to stand by Lena, injured, and turned back into her human form. Grasping Lena’s face within her hands, her mother whispered confessions of love, and told her to go away. Run. Not to turn back. Until the armed men walked in their direction. They raised their weapons, and were about to shoot carelessly in their direction when suddenly a voice rang out._

_“Don’t harm the girl!” The dark skinned man said, holding his hand up towards his army. “They want her alive.” He crouches in front of her, though she doesn’t face him because her mother comes to stand between them, which he clearly doesn’t appreciate. In a very quick move, he takes his knife oout of his belt and stabs Lena’s mother right throw her heart. And Lena watches speechless as the point of the blade is seen breaking the skin of her mothers back from the inside out._

_Her mother turn to her then, with affection in her eyes and a tight smile, and whispers “I will see you later, darling”, right before her eyes become unfocused, her body rigidly thumps on the floor._

_She’s taken to a small house after the disaster. There are a few woman there who wach over her, feed her and keep her silent company with pitiful looks in their eyes. She spends days there, until some time after (she doesn’t know how much), someone goes get her._

_Lena, too scared to do little more than crie silent, sad tears, watches as a man and a woman come to stand before her. Looking her in the eye, the man, with a sinister smile says:_

_“Hello, Lena. Welcome to the Luthor family.”_

* * *

 

She doesn’t remember how she got home.

That night, Lena ends up neither doing the work she brought home, nor sleeping. She spends it sitting in her shower, freezing cold water raining down her back as she clutches a glass of scotch thight. She tries hard to fight the burning, the memories, the pain. She ends up succeeding. Though everything hurts like she just lost.

 


	2. Chapter 2

They make use of her number, surprisingly.

It has been one month of lunches, afternoon hang outs and sometimes going out to drink with her supposed friends. Sure, they treat her well, and seem to enjoy her company and the time they all spend together But Lena’s still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She is a Luthor (a werewolf one, although they don’t know that) and she can’t help but think that they’re somehow just keeping one eye out for her. Her phone chimes suddenly. _Kara._

**“Hey :)”**

**“We were wondering if maybe you wanted to joins us for lunch now? We are actually in the café across the street from L-Corp right now.”**

So, apparently the thought of her friends somehow summoned them… Weird. If her mother were to see her, she would probably scoff at her paranoia, though Lena would politely remind her that it is _not_ paranoia, just _self preservation._

She’s so busy with her thoughts that she realizes she forgot to text back. Just as she’s about to respond, she also realizes she doesn’t really know what to answer.

It’s 12 pm, and she hasn’t eaten since last night’s dinner. She already sent Jess on her lunch break so she won’t be back anytime soon to get Lena some food either. So she reluctantly text back, saying _Ok, I’ll meet you there it 10 minutes. Just need to organize some files._ She’s definitely some kind of masochist.

And there’s truly no files to organize, only her thoughts and sensations. There’s the light warming and hum of her body again, which annoys Lena because she can spend a 2 hour meeting facing condescending business people without being bothered, but just the thought of seeing Kara is making her vibrate with pent up energy. What is wrong with you?

Before she heads out, she quickly looks around her office for her purse, trying to find the necklace her mother gave her. She never likes to use it, but with the state she’s in, she figures it’s better to have it on, hoping it will ground her, make her feel a little bit more normal. She finds it and holds it in her hands almost reverently, losing herself in the memories of the happy part of her childhood.

* * *

 

_She hasn’t seen much of her mother in the whole week. The older woman is been stuck in a room of the house that Lena is forbidden to go into and everytime she comes out her mother tells her that she’s been busy, and that she has a surprise for her. But Lena quickly grows restless. After all, being the only child in her family (meaning she has no one else of her age to interact with) and being incapable of going out of her house without her mother are good reasons to be impatient, Lena thinks._

_Her mother refuses to let her in on whatever it is that she’s organizing, and Lena has actually found a way to disctract herself enough by coming up with ways to finding out what it is by herself._

_And that’s how she currently finds herself staring at a necklace positioned behind a vitrine of glass._

_(After making two of her uncles fight, letting each one of them believe that she saw the other ripping his boots, wich Lena took care of, and proceding to tell Julius to about the fight – he has been stationed in front of her mother’s mystery room, so that way he finally leaves his position long enough for her to walk in.)_

_She’s so caught up looking at it, enamored by every single detail on it, that she fails to see her mother standing behind her, a proud but tired look on her face after resolving the mess Lena made with the 3 men._

_“I made that for you.” Her mother says, scaring her and making her jump a little and turn around to find the source of the voice. “I know how lonely you are in here, so I thought that maybe you’d appreciate it.”_

_“What does it really do mother? ” Lena asks, curiosity enveloping her words, without breaking her gaze from the jewelry._

_“There’s a plant inside the lock called wolfsbane. It weakens you. Takes all your strength away. In this particular amount it replaces it with a slight pain, but nothing too strong darling, I promise.”_

_Lena is admittedly a little alarmed by this information. She doesn’t want to be in pain, but she definetly doesn’t want to hurt anyone. And she remembers clearly the accident with her friend Anna, and all the objects she’s managed to break._

_“Thank you, mommy.” She smiles at the older woman. Sincerely smiles at her before turning to look at the pendant again, in a wishful way._

_“I was planning on giving it to you on your 9th birthday tomorrow, but I should have expected a genius like you would find out about it sooner.” Her mother says, with a blinding toothy smile that makes Lena beam at her in return._

_She holds it out to her mother, asking her to put it on her. The woman, with a carefulness that could easily be mistaken by hesitancy, pushes her hair aside and puts the jewelry around her neck._

* * *

 

Lena is suddenly hit with a nauseating feeling. Her limps feel heavier, as do her muscles, including her tongue. Her head hurts a bit too. But she finds relief in it, because suddenly everything is quiet. She can’t hear the words being said in the street outside her building. Can't hear Jess humming the melody of a song she doesn't recognize. Can't hear her own blood cruising in her veins. 

And honestly, normalcy is worth all the pain, she thinks.

After she puts the necklace around her neck, she takes a few breaths to adjust to it, reacquaint herself to the feeling of having it on. She can’t decide if she put it on to make sure she doesn’t loose the grip on her senses, or if she’s hoping the memory of the pride and reassurance in her mother’s eyes will ground her.

Then, she finally makes her way to the café. She’s been in National City for 3 months now, but it is actually the first time she’s entered this place. Who can blame her though, because the reason she hasn’t left the office that much is the insane amount of work she needs to do, in order to save the company of the family she never wished to have, but does it for the sake of her adoptive father, who actually always tried to help her.

As she makes her way in, she notices that there are a lot of people there, and even though the necklace reduces her extranormal hearing, the replacing headache is worsened by the noise.

The place is light, with large windows where the soft sun rays come through, warming its way into people’s conversations.

She immediately finds Kara’s table. She doesn’t really know how because the table where they are sitting is in a far corner hidden by other occupied tables. But somehow as soon as she walks in the room, even with her grip on her senses, she’s already captured by Kara’s essence.

That truly scares her, how one woman can make her this unstable. She’s not surprised that it is a woman, per se, because she’s never had any troubles with her sexuality. “You love who you love” Lex had said to her once, when Lena was a teenager.

The fact that someone that even before she met and talked to was able to turn her into a feverish mess, just as it is happening now, is scary and confusing to her. But at the same time it intrigues her, because she never actually felt like this before.

Usually the warmth she feels in her body is followed by the sting in her muscles, the burning in her irises and the sharpening of her teeth, desperate to be sunken into skin. And it happens when she gets carried away, when she momentarily gives in to what she’s feeling and acts impulsively in response to it.

But right now, the following symptoms don’t come up. Granted, she feels her body humming gently, and it scares her, and perhaps that’s the reason she finds herself uncomfortable and desperate to make an exit. But just as she sees Kara, alongside Maggie and Alex, she finds that besides the pleasant feeling of liquid warmness flowing throw her veins, she’s surprised to find that none of the alarming other triggers surge. It’s like her wolf is only purring, not howling as usual. Weird.

She makes her way towards the three woman, with what she knows is a soft but curious look on her face after the realization she just had.

“Hi!” She says, a little bit awkwardly but with a smile nonetheless. She watches as 3 different pair of eyes focus on her, with kind and excited looks on their faces, but she ultimately focuses on Kara’s, her smile growing just a bit more as she takes in her appearance. She has her hair in a ponytail, unlike the night they first met when it was in a half up look, and is dressed in dark blue khakis, a white shirt and light blue sweatshirt on top. God, she’s truly a vision.

“Hey, Luthor. Looking good.” Maggie says, with another smirk of hers, that makes Lena narrow her eyes at her momentarily. She knows that the upturn of the detective’s lips was caused by the not so discreet look she gave Kara, so she makes a mental plan to hold herself together in front of this woman, realizing that she’s scarily observant.

She’s so busy thinking of that, so it takes her a couple of seconds to realize that the detective referred to her playfully by her last name, and the CEO didn’t even notice or flinch because of it.

“Sawyer.” She says, with a nod and a glare that is proven fake by the smile still tugging on her lips.

“You know I’m here, right?” Alex says to Maggie, who immediately turns to her and pecks her lips, saying “How could I forget?”

“Hey Alex, how are you?” Lena says. Even though she knows that Maggie was just joking around, she’s still a bit relunctant about Alex and her job, not wishing in the slightest to be on her blacklist by somehow irritating her without meaning to.

“I’m good, thanks. Take a sit.” The agent turns to her and says, still with a smile on her lips. Lena strains to think about the reasons why she’s here. They must want to talk to her about something important. Or maybe they just want to get close to her and see what she’s hiding. And it’s that thought that manages to bring the sting in her eyes, but she quickly brings a hand to her necklace and opens it slightly, letting the tip of her finger brush throw the plant and burn her a bit, bringing her back to reality.

“Why am I here?” She asks. Perhaps she’s a bit too rash because as soon as the words leave her mouth all her companions turn to look at her with confused looks in her eyes. “I mean, is this official police business?” She wills herself not to grimace at her own words, at the disappointment she know she’ll feel when the answer is yes. But right now she actually thanks both her mother and Lillian. Her mother for the necklace that burns her finger and grounds her before she exposes herself; and Lillian for coldly teaching her not to let anyone see her weaknesses, replacing them by a neutral mask.

“What – No! – We just – We thought it would be nice to hang out!” Kara says. And dear God if her awkward stuttering wasn’t adorable and made Lena feel even more tingling. Focus!

It’s in that moment that she realizes she hasn’t muttered a single word to Kara, something she’s both proud she managed to do by now, because she would likely say something to expose herself because of the way the woman makes her feel, and a little bit ashamed because despite her rudeness, Kara is reassuring her right now, even though Lena doesn’t understand why.

“Why?” Lena asks, genuinely confused. And judging by the looks everyone is giving her, they don’t understand what she’s really asking either. “I mean, you know I’m a Luthor right? And – um – you’re both cops…” She says to Maggie and Alex, a bit reluctantly, before turning towards Kara, who is looking towards her with her eyebrows raised, as if truly confused as why her last name would be important, “And you’re a reporter, who has worked with Clark Kent, the man who exposed my brother.” Lena says, slowly, frowning, because she doesn’t understand how they hadn’t reached this conclusion before.

There’s a wave of emotions passing throw Kara’s face momentarily, confusion, realization, empathy, and shame. Lena is confused by the latter, but she can’t comment on it because Maggie is talking again.

“We have no agenda, Lena. Believe it or not, we actually enjoy the time we spend with you. You’re funny, and smart, even if you are a bit of a smart ass.” Maggie smirks.

“Yeah, Luthor. We’re not looking for trouble.” Alex agrees.

"Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. At first, I was curious because I'm usually a great judge of character, and when we first met I genuinely thought you were different than your family, although I admit I was a little apprehensive of you and pursuing this friendship was also a great way to keep an eye on you." Alex says. 

"Alex!" There's a angry set on Kara's face, with the glare she's sending Alex and the way her mouth is set in a tight line. 

"No, it's fine Kara." She lays her hand on Kara's forearm momentarily. "I appreciate the honesty, Alex." She swallow her disappointment, only allows herself to show gratitude for Alex's sincerity. 

"Wait, I'm not finished. But... The more time we spend together the more I see I'm still a great judge of character. " She says, with a playful smug smile. 

They’re all looking at Lena with soft smiles and radiating kindness through their eyes. But it’s not until Lena feels pressure on her left hand and looks down to find Kara’s own covering it (which surprises Lena, but after looking at Kara’s face, she figures it surprises the reporter even more), and then she’s able to smile back at them.

She feels mostly relieved. She should be used by now to be alone, after all the years that passed and she found herself on her own time and time again. But there's something about them that captivates Lena. Perhaps their warmth towards her, or the admiration she has for the 3 strong and competent women that Lena likes to think herself as similar. 

They spend one hour at the café, eating their lunchs (and more, because Kara eats a lot) and talking about anything at all. Though the conversation flows easier between Kara and Lena (“Lena, we both know you can’t cook.” “You’ve never eaten anything I’ve cooked! How would you know?” “I love food so much I can feel it’s essence, and it’s not on you.”), with the latter succeeding to ignore the rush she feels in her body with the sight of bright eyes and warm smiles and letting herself enjoy the other woman’s company.

After one hour, Kara stops speaking midsentence, suddenly tilting her head like a puppy would after hearing a noise. The action is followed by a beeping of Alex and Maggie’s phones, and all three woman look at each other, as if having a silent conversation, with Lena watching curiously and silently. Then, Kara turns to her, apologizing because they need to go, but not actually leaving before Lena agrees to have lunch with her in two days, which Lena quickly agrees. With quick goodbyes, they make their way outside, with Alex, Maggie and Kara going in one direction and Lena in another.

Some warning bells go in her head, and she’s struggling to think why there’s a certain suspicion in her mind while she goes towards her office.

The dull headache she has is making it worse to think, so she quickly takes her necklace off, breathing in relief when the pain is gone.

After 9 hours spent in conference calls and visiting the downstairs labs, she’s still feeling content, after spending some time with the Danvers and Maggie, basking in the after-glow of having something like friends, despite their brisky departure.

That’s when her nostrils are hit with three different smells, all similar, some kind of textile. She quickly localizes them three stories below her, in the stairs, thanks to her hearing. The fact that they’re using the same type of clothing and making the same careful but certain sounds as they step closer towards her office trigger her defences, and she quickly uses her remote to close the balcony windows and makes her way out of her office, leaving the light and television on, and makes her way towards a dark hallway outside her office, where she hides.

She can already feel her body hot, her eyes and teeth changing, and her wolf pacing inside of her, waiting to be released quite impatiently. But Lena holds her ground, forces herself to focus on her breathing while she waits, trusting her plan and hopefully the police.

The three men appear from the staircase door, and just as she expected they are dressed exactly the same, with masks covering their faces and guns on their arms.

As soon as they step into her office, she uses the same remote to close the door behind them. Only she and Jess possess this remote, so she figures she’s successfully trapped them.

She quickly calls the police, asking them to make their way there as soon as possible.

She can still hear them inside her office, making their way around, no doubt looking for her in her private bathroom and inside her bar. After a few minutes, the next thing she hears are quiet whispers saying “She’s not here, let’s check outside.”

She panics a little at hearing these words. Not because she can’t handle herself, because she can, aided by her quick reflexes and strength and speed. But the thought of hurting someone has always scared and ashamed her, and apparently it still does.

She sees the door handle being turned slowly. At the unsuccess, a few seconds pass when Lena actually holds her breath, before the handle is once again being turned, but this time frantically, which causes Lena to jump a little.

The men realize they’re trapped, Lena can hear their curses and expletives being thrown everywhere by the three of them, before gunshots echo inside the room, hitting against the door.

Her instincts finally kick in, and ground breaking emotion weights her down, making her kneel and grasp the ground as she’s painfully aware of her muscles being fed by unholy amounts of energy, her bones stretch, her eyes actually shining in the darkness of the hallway.

She knows she can’t turn. She knows she can’t give up control because of three man trying to kill her, who also are evidently failing at it. But her whole body hurts, her skin is sweating seas and her nails are marking the floor where she’s tensing her hands. Her heart is beating more frantically than it’s beaten in many years.

She’s trying to focus on her breathing, counting her breaths and repeating mentally to herself to _breath in, breath out._ Then, inexplicably, Kara’s scent invades her, and she hears her balcony windows break. She hears the flutter of something in the air, fists connecting on skin, painful grunts released, clothes and bodies falling to the ground, and then she hears nothing but heavy breathing.

She feels her bones shrink and her eyes clear. The energy remains, as she waits crouched on her knees with her breath held until she hears the footsteps trailing towards her. She hears the door being pushed open by an incredible force, and above her is Supergirl. The smell of sunshine, lavender and rain is now stronger than it was and it envelops Lena, making her head swim with confusion. It’s Kara’s smell, she thinks, no one can ever smell the exact same. How is this possible?

Then it hits her. Like, really hits her. The realization makes her feel like a bag of cement was thrown at her head. Her wolf mustn’t like the feeling either because her eyes fog a bit again.

Of course she knows of National City’s resident hero. She’s been here for three months, and has stayed out of trouble so she hasn’t met the super before. But she watches the news and sees Supergirl save the city with avid attention, actually looking up to someone so brave who risks themselves for this city.

The heroin makes her way towards her, with worried and expressive eyes that even without the glasses are so Kara. “Are you okay?” She asks, and Lena, half heartly reassures, because she’s still processing the fact that sweet, beautiful Kara is strong, self-righteous Supergirl.

She doesn’t even hear the policemen make their way inside her building until Maggie is standing beside her, a soft but strong hand gripping her forearm, asking if she was okay. She’s then asked to resume the events of tonight, and she explains both Maggie and Supergirl, or rather Kara, everything that happened tonight. After she recounts her decisions, she’s rewarded by two pair of both impressed and reprehensive eyes, because “you should have just called the police and left when you saw them in the surveillance cameras instead of waiting for them” and her wolf purs a little with pride, though it quickly turns into a challenged stance with the lecture.

The three men pass by her, cuffed and being led by police officers, and she quickly makes her way towards them.

“Who put you up to this?” She asks, glaring at all three of them in turn.

Yellow smiles appear on bloody and swollen lips on lolling heads, making the men look slightly sinister. “Your family sends their regards. And to make sure you control yourself.” One of them says, and he smiles even larger at the look of recognition.

* * *

 

_She’s hiding in Lex’s bedroom, playing chess with him and laughing at his jokes in order to distract herself from the arguing between Lionel and Lillian that she doesn’t doubt for one second that it’s about her._

_She’s been living with the Luthors for 2 years now, and Lillian still makes her life miserable, always glancing towards her with cold features but unmistakable anger in her eyes, purposefully making sure that Lena realizes the abomination she is and how unwelcomed she is in the world._

_But she has Lex and Lionel who simultaneously make her life in the mansion a little bit more bearable. Lex is sweet towards her, always making sure she feels safe with him, whispering in her ear that he’ll protect from his mother’s wrath while he embraces her. Lionel makes an effort to understand her physiology, even though she makes sure not to make him see her true colours. But both he and Lillian know about her “condition” and he accepts Lena, and tries to understand why she’s different._

_Her brother’s room is not much different from her own. It’s spacious, with white walls and ceiling. There’s a big desk in it with his work from school spread around carelessly on it. There are shelves in the wall, filled with scientific books and very few fictions. There’s two doors, one leading to a walk-in closet and another leading to his private bathroom. Lena’s bedroom is the same but where his shelves lack of novels and fictions, hers are filled with them. Where his bed is in the middle of the room, hers is right next to her window, as she asked Lionel for it, explaining to him that the moonlight makes her feel better._

_But Lena prefers Lex’s room. She finds that being around Lex is easy. His easygoing but intellectual nature allows Lena to just be herself without being afraid of showing herself. All he ever asks of her is her company and her opinion. Two things that remind her of home, but somehow don’t overwhelm her, simply make her feel just as safe._

_So she seeks his company while her adoptive parents are fighting. The fight doesn’t last long, barely 20 minutes. It’s ending is signaled by a slammed door and the ignition of a car, Lena listens._

_Then, footsteps make their way towards Lex’s room. The door opens to reveal a Lillian that Lena has never seen, with a tired face and soft eyes. Lena is so surprised by this look on Lillian that she regretfully forgets to hide, resulting in her adoptive mother seeing her._

_As soon as Lillians eyes connect with Lena’s, the blonde’s expression morphs completely. Her soft eyes harden impossibly, the small smile on her lips thins and her tired posture rights itself immediately._

_“What the hell are you doing here?” She asks Lena, with a fire in her voice that Lena has never seen in the pair of years she has been in this house._

_Lena knows that she’s not supposed to be alone with Lex. Ever since she arrived that was one of the rules that Lillian mentioned. But the girl can’t help it. She looks up to her brother. He’s smart, confident, funny, and he is one of the few people in this house who actually looks for her company. Unlike Lillian who avoids her, unless she has to scold her, or Lionel who only seeks her when he needs to make some tests or explain something about her that he found out. She still looks up at Lionel as well, but she’s a kid, and she’s lonely, and Lex is there for her in levels that her adoptive father isn’t._

_Lillian rushes towards her, grabs her by the arm, and Lena actually curls in towards herself. She can hear Lex begging his mother to let her go, saying that he was the one to ask her to join him, that it was his fault. But Lillian only looks at him, with slightly more tamed fire in her eyes and mutters “Nonesense”, before turning her burning look towards Lena and dragging her out of the room._

_She takes Lena to one of the labs of the mansion, the one that has the air filled with wolfsbane in order to take blood tests. It’s also the one soundproofed to make sure Lex doesn’t hear anything._

_As soon as the door closes, she turns to Lena and hits her hard in the cheek. The sound bounces back on the walls,the ones whith aconitum, creating an echo that somehow makes the pain seem even worse “I hope that this will help you remember that you must never engage with my son!” She says, and the fire in her eyes and the steel in her expression turns into a self satisfied look as she sees the redness on the girl’s cheek and the tears in her eyes. “You are an abomination. Aren’t you concerned about hurting your brother?” And Lena looks down at this, because she is ashamed of herself and scared of what she could possibly do to Lex. “You’re a monster, Lena. Just like you mother and the rest of your family of dogs.”_

_At those particular words, Lena does look up, her insides swimming on anger, and as she takes in the confident and arrogant look on her mother’s face, her anger overflows her, and suddenly a new feeling surges on her body._

_It boils. Painfully. Every single part of her body is immensely hot._

_“Do not talk about my mother!” She screams. Her voice sounds different, not only the accent that Lillian hates so much appears, but it sounds slightly rough, gravely. Her eyes sting likes she’s been crying for days but no wetness comes out of them. The tip of her fingers hurt as they’re sliced trough and her gums hurt in the same way._

_The feeling becomes way too strong when she notices that Lillian looks completely terrified. Her eyes are widened, her mouth is hanging open and her face is pale. This seems to light her body even more up because she starts to feel her muscles contract and she flinches with pain. But she’s hooked. It’s almost as if the pain is addictive. She can’t stop wanting more._

_The next thing she knows the contents of a bucket that was resting behind her adoptive mother are thrown at her. Only after a second of the liquid hitting her does a much stronger pain kick in. If she thought her skin was boiling before, now it literally is. There’s smoke coming out of her, and she’s screaming from the top of her lungs. Her insides stop hurting, but the burning of the wolfsbane on the fluid of the bucket is slowly making it’s way inside her skin._

_Then the lab’s door opens and Lionel rushes in, yelling at Lillian but Lena can’t register much besides the pain. Then she’s dragged to a decontamination shower and he turns it on, the pain slowly diminishing, and she can breath again._

_Lillian makes her way towards her, slowly, almost like a predator, comes close to her ear, and whispers “Next time, make sure you control yourself.”_

* * *

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

It’s been 3 years since Lex went to prison.

She was the one that helped put him there. On her testimony, she was asked about her brother and what she thought of him. She almost found herself saying that she loved him, that he was her savior. He was sweet and loving, always trying to protect her. Making sure she knew her potential – even when she beat him at chess, he never resented her, always tried to spur her on.

But then she realized that they weren’t asking about the brother she once knew. They were asking about the man he had become, the stranger he turned himself into. The madman who blew up a hospital while trying to kill Superman and had the nerve to be unapologetic about it, stating that he was the hero. Not the alien. The one that, as she sat there next to the judge, simply stared at her from across the room with a smirk on his face and an empty look in his eyes. So she says the truth. He was a power-hungry man, narcissistic and completely crazy.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him anymore. She thinks she will always love him. Maybe not him, but the memories she has of him. Will always love the possibility of him turning back into the wonderful boy he was. Seeking her company and trying to entertain her.

She thinks about this the night after those men tried to kill her.

She knows that Lillian was the one that hired them. She understands why she did it. After all, Lex is her golden boy, the one that still does everything right. The normal, perfect one. And the woman thinks that Lena, as the monster she is, took that away from her.

And it’s true. Lena was ashamed of herself. He was there for her when she always needed him. But she wasn’t there to save him, stop him from takin the steps that lead him into madness. But she wasn’t. She had no choice but testify against him, after all the deaths he caused, the pain to family members, the injuries to Metropolis City.

Her adoptive mother swore war with her right outside the courthouse, silently, the day she testified and he was sentenced to 32 consecutive life sentences.

She knows she is just starting to face the consequences, and it makes her truly nervous. Not because she’s scared for herself. She figures she’ll do her best to keep herself alive on her own, and if she can’t she’ll die free from any other lives on her shoulders. But she’s scared of the amount of lives Lillian might take on her way towards Lena. Afraid of what this city might face because of her mistakes.

Two days have passed, but she’s still slightly paranoid, always making sure Jess leaves early and her employers as well.

Right now she’s at the office. She’s behind her desk distracting herself from these thoughts with reports and emails and programming business meetings. She’s so into work that she doesn’t realize it’s lunchtime until Jess knocks on her door, face apologetic.

“Miss Luthor, there’s a Miss Danvers here to see you.”

She doesn’t need to ask each one, because soon enough Kara’s smell and the smell of Chinese food as well come through the door.

She’s only mildly annoyed with herself when her body starts once again humming inside, and is quick to answer Jess that she can come in.

Kara makes her way inside with a beaming smile that makes Lena’s heart speed up. God, why am I so attracted to her?

“Hi! So, I was buying some takeout and I remembered that I asked you for lunch the other day so I decided to buy more for us to share!” She says, and her eyes are absolutely shining with joy. Lena doesn’t know if it’s because of seeing Lena or because of the food, but it still affects her, warms her even more and makes her heart speed up. “I realize now that I should probably have texted you or called but I got a bit carried away. I mean you migh have already eaten and maybe you have other things to do – oh my – I’m sorry – I – “

“Kara! It’s okay, I haven’t eaten and I would love to spend time with you.” Lena says, with a soft smile dancing on her lips, interrupting Kara’s ramble that was showing no signs of being over soon. The idea of Kara getting excited to be with her that she forgets anything else also makes her excited, and she shares a beaming smile with Kara as well.

Kara sights in relief, and her smile is back, but softer this time, and there’s a soft look on her eyes as well. “Great! Shall we?”

They move the food to the couch and talk while they eat.

“So,” Kara says, after swallowing a mouthful of food. “Have you been doing OK? I I mean, after the attack and all.”

Lena’s mind immediately replays it, from the feeling of loosing control to the goons words and its implications, then come back to finding Kara’s secret. So many emotions hit her that she’s surprised. So many emotions hit her that she’s surprised that there’s nothing but anxiety on her system. She can’t help but wonder if her friends are really as genuine as they assure her of being.

She swallows empty mouthed. “Im fine. I’m only really worried about his final words. What they could possibly mean.”

Kara hums, thinking it over. “Yeah, um, Maggie told me about them. Do you think it’s a threat to come after you again?” Her mouth twists, almost as if the thought of that unsettle her, and even though Lena knows she shouldn’t she finds solace in it. Selfishly.

“I know it’s a threat.” She responds, avoiding Kara’s eyes now. “I’m just not sure when they’re going to act on it. I want to keep my employers safe.”

She misses the appreciation in her friends eyes morph into confusion. “And your own safety, right?”

Lena glances up at that. Their gazes lock for a few seconds, with Lena collecting to memory the intensity of Kara’s eyes as they stare right into hers. “Of course, Kara. But I don’t want innocent people to die because I’m a Luthor.” She says, voice low but her eyes share the intensity of her words.

“Nothing is going to happen. I wouldn’t allow it.” Kara says, seeming to forget she isn’t in her cape right now. “but… if something did happen… it wouldn’t be your fault, Lena. You didn’t cause this, you didn’t ask for this. I see you, and I know you’re not like them, the Luthors.”

Lena loses herself in her honest expression and the way it tingles all her senses pleasently. Without thinking, she pulls Kara into her arms, engulfing her friend in the firmness of her embrace.

“Thank you, Kara. That means a lot.” She says, even if she doesn’t totally agree with her.

Only then does she realize her mistake. With extraordinary speed, that surely causes Kara some whiplash, who was slowly relaxing into the embrace, Lena pulled her arms away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to just – you you know – squeeze you.” She blushes and stammers through her explanation.

“No, it’s fine.” Kara has a blush adorning her cheeks too, but her fond laugh shows she’s not feeling as awkward as Lena is.

After nearly an hour talking, even after all the food is over, they only remember their responsibilities when Jess pokes her head through the office door, reminding Lena of her next meeting in 15 minutes.

It’s only then that the CEO recognizes how much closer they had drifted during their meal. They had seated with a gap apart from each other but now they’re positioned in a way that their thighs brush, shoulder to shoulder.

Lena blushes at this realization, cursing mentally her inability to stay away from Kara. She knows that if Kara knew the truth about her, if Kara ever saw it, she would be the one to leave Lena. And the raven haired woman has lost so much over the years. All her family died, then Lionel, Lex became mad and Lillian is now on the hunt for her. What if Kara does too? What if she tries to distance herself from her? Lena doesn’t know if she can take that.

Also, she knows Kara is Supergirl. Why would she maintain a friendship with a Luthor? She would assume that she’s keeping tabs on her. Remaining close so that she knows as soon as Lena makes a mistake. But then the CEO remembers the affectionate looks, the empathy in her eyes, and how much pure Kara Danvers is. So she pushes the suspicions down. _You’re making_ a _mistake,_ a mixture of both Lex and Lillian’s voices yells in her brain.

As Lena glances Kara’s way, she finds the reporter already looking expectantly at her. She looks at Lena with a crinckle in between her eyebrows, and her mouth opens and closes a few times, both signaling her hesitancy towards something.

So impulsively, the CEO takes Kara’s hand and squeezes it without thinking. She momentarily panics and her heart flutters a bit, but for a short amount of time because then the frown between Kara’s eyes disappears, leaving them looking incredibly kind, with a matching small soft smile playing on her lips.

“Would you – maybe – Would you like to watch a movie with me? Tonight?” She asks. The blonde’s face is still soft and expectant, but her voice cracks a bit, showing Lena she’s nervous about the request.

“Sure. Where?” The CEO answers, only a bit reluctant. After all, she had just considered to distance herself. But honestly she should already know that when it comes to Kara, it won’t happen that soon.

“There’s this small movie theater downtown. Alex and Maggie are going too, and I thought that maybe if you went too, maybe you could keep me company?” She asks, and the hesitancy exits her being at once. She actually puffs her chest a little, as if summoning her confidence from deep inside herself. It reminds the CEO of the hero in Kara.

She deflates a little after realizing that Alex and Maggie will be there too. _Of course it isn’t_ a _date, Lena, duh._ But she keeps a smile on her face.

They agree on the time and place to meet, and then Kara leaves. But only after giving Lena a little hug, which Lena is ashamed to admit that she didn’t return at first, but then she absolutely crashed against.

Her afternoon goes smoothly after that. She’s excited about the end of the day, knowing she’ll see Kara again. And Alex and Maggie, she reminds herself.

She leaves at 5 pm to her house, which, to her absolute delight, shocks pretty much everyone at the company who watches her walk down the corridors with her usual grace. Chin held high, Spine straight, and a slight smile on her face. She makes her way home and changes, opting to replace her pencil skirt and blouse by some more comfortable clothing. She puts on blue, scrapped jeans and a deep red sweater. Takes her hair off her bun, letting it cascade down her shoulders, and puts some low heals on.

She feels different this way, in more casual clothing. Where business attire makes her feel powerful and confident, casual attire makes her feel soft, warm and comfortable, shaking her anxieties away a bit.

She decides to read a bit until it’s time to meet the other women at the theater. She hasn’t done this in quite a while, because she’s always at the office, and when she’s not she’s usually working. But today feels different. She doesn’t know if it’s the thought of meeting her friends (specially Kara), or maybe it’s the comfortable clothes that make her lazy, but she finds herself without the will power to work tonight.

She’s enjoying her reading so much that she actually loses track of time, and when she glances at the clock, she’s already five minutes late. She quickly makes her way towards her driver’s car and asks him to take her there.

As she steps out of the vehicle after reaching her destination, she immediately finds Kara. Finds her smell and her blue eyes, and automatically, as usual, her wolf signals it’s happiness as well.

Kara’s standing outside the theater, alone – which surprises Lena, seeing that the CEO is late, so she expected Maggie and Alex to be there – with a concerned look on her face. She’s probably looking for her sister and sister-in-law, she thinks.

As soon as their sight lines connect, the concerned look on Kara’s face disappears, being replaced by a beaming smile. She waves excitedly at Lena and makes her way towards the CEO, and they meet in the middle. Just before she stops walking, barely a meter away from Lena, she takes notice of the raven haired girl’s outfit, and her beaming features are also quickly replaced by some kind of shock, because her mouth opens a little, and she runs her eyes up and down Lena’s body, as if trying to memorize every inch of clothes possible, and no sound comes from her, even though – judging by by the movements of her mouth (which Lena is definetly not focused on) – she tries to speak. _God, how much heat can my body take?_

A minute passes and the CEO is becoming uncertain about her fashion choices for tonight, and it must show on her face because the minute Kara focuses on it, she scrambles to compose herself and say something.

“Lena! Hi! You look great. I mean, you always do, you’re beautiful, but – I mean – right now in this particular style you – you – you look great!” The reporter says, and there’s a dark blush making itself familiarized on her cheeks since she first set eyes on Lena.

“Thank you Kara. You look great too, as always.” She’s more composed than the other woman, but there’s no way of missing the flush in her cheeks as well, and she ducks her head down.

“So,” Kara says suddenly, after a moments of comfortable silence pass, “Alex and Maggie couldn’t make it, even though they really wanted to spend time with you. I know you told me you liked horror movies so I went ahead and bought two tickets for the one being showed here, is that okay?”

“It’s great Kara, you didn’t have to pay for me though…” Lena says, genuinely thankful. She wishes to spend time with Alex and Maggie too, but she finds that she’s not particularly disappointed because of their absence. _Only God knows why…_

They make their way inside the theater and buy a bucket of popcorn and some soda before entering the projecting room for their movie. The rows are almost empty, save for a few people already sitting there. They make their way to the back rows, because Kara insists they have the advantage point to watch the screen, and wait for the movie to start, making easy conversations in the meantime.

Lena finds that everything is easy between them. Their conversation, their understanding for one another even though they haven’t been friends long, the jokes shared between them.

As the movie plays, Lena realizes that Kara must absolutely hate horror movies. Because throughout the movie, as Lena pretends to be paying attention, she realizes that Kara is usually either covering her eyes with her hands, or her ears with her eyes closed, or simply looking at Lena’s profile. The CEO is secretly endeared that Kara would make herself watch a movie that she so clearly despises just so she can please Lena.

Is with that in mind, that when the small break in the middle of the movie comes up, Lena takes Kara’s hand and pushes her around silently. She takes them to the front of the cinema again, and decides to buy the both of them tickets for another movie, this time some romantic comedy that Lena just knows Kara will like.

As she, once again silently, leads them towards another projection room, Kara squeezes her hand, signaling to Lena that she’s trying to catch her attention. She turns towards the reporter, and finds Kara looking at her with a relieved look on her face.

“Why did you do that?” She asks Lena, looking at her through her lashes, as if ashamed of her fear for the movie they were seeing minutes before.

“I wasn’t enjoying that at all. I mean, ghosts are really scary.” Lena says, clearly over dramatically, and Kara catches her meaning because she chuckles and shakes her head, and _really? Could this woman be more endearing to me?_

“Thank you. You’re my hero.” Kara responds, just as dramatically as Lena, but her amused look fades slowly into something more serious and affectionate, and Lena finds herself quickly mimicking it.

The reporter watches this movie peacefully, with almost unblinking attention, and Lena finds that this time she’s the one distractedly admiring Kara’s profile, repeatedly, though she always quickly turns away, completely missing all of Kara’s shy smiles as she did so.

After the movie ended, they make their way outside the building, and take a walk in the moonlight-illuminated street, talking about work and their lives and everything they can come up with. They walk 2 times around the movie theatre’s block, and at the end of the second time, Lena glances at her driver, who is at the driver’s seat, barely managing to keep his eyes open. She thinks about sending him home for the night and spend some more time with Kara. But then she thinks better of it, because it’s late and Kara works tomorrow morning, and so does she.

Their conversation hits a pause then, and Lena takes that moment to position herself in front of her car, making sure that Kara realizes this is goodbye as she makes what she hopes are vague gestures towards the vehicle.

However, as she thinks about the possibility of separation from the blonde, she finds herself strangely alarmed, so in a without-thought decision (she seems to make a lot of those with Kara), asks her “Would you like to have my driver take you home?”

She knows Kara is Supergirl and could manage to get to her own house in seconds instead of being seated in a car for minutes. This thought occurs to her half a second after she makes her question, so she’s already expecting a decline from the blonde.

She’s surprised to say the least, when the answer is actually yes, and both women make their way inside the car. Kara tells her driver her address and the car stirs to life quickly after that.

During the trip, both Lena and Kara remain silently, both staring out of their windows, relaxed looks on her face. Then, as Lena is distracted by her own thoughts, she feels something wrap itself around her pinkie, as her hand is resting in the middle seat of the car. She looks down towards it to find out that Kara’s own pinkie is what’s providing the warmth. The warmth provided by the contact spreads across her like liquid fire in a very cold night, and Lena is not bothered by this at all.

She looks at Kara’s face, and sees the hesitancy resting there. As if Kara was worried she just crossed a line. It touches the CEO, seeing that Kara thinks of her comfort and her boundaries even when they’re clearly different from the reporter’s own.

So, the raiven-haired woman smiles softly (almost lovingly) at her, and decides to interlock her fingers with Kara’s and squeeze her hand in reassurance.

The trip to Kara’s house is warm and filled with silence, though it’s a relaxing one. They hug goodbye, lingering for a moment, and when Kara slips out from the car, Lena realizes that the environment inside the vehicle became immediately colder, but Kara’s smell is still there, and it wraps itself around Lena, so she’s bothered just a little less.

She makes her way inside her own house, quite distractedly, still thinking about her wonderful night. She drops her handbag carelessly on her couch, takes off her shoes on her way, and just as she’s straightening up after untying her shoelaces, she realizes that her coffee table has something on top of it that wasn’t there before.

Her necklace. Somebody moved it. She always keeps it hidden, when she’s not using it. She has a book in her shelve with a small compartment inside where Lena usually puts it. But her apartment doesn't look like it was messily searched, everything is in its due place, which means whoever moved it knew where to find it.

And judging by the provoking smell she had yet to realize was in the room, she knows it was Lillian.

As she recognizes the smell, a wave of panic hits her. Because how could her mother know it was here? Everything around her penthouse it’s right where Lena left it, which means her mother knew exactly what she was coming for and where it was.

Her mother has been watching her closely. It’s the only explanation as to how her mother knew she wouldn’t be in the house, and if the necklace was there or not.

* * *

 

_Lillian took her to the lab once again, the “AcoLab” she called it, because it was filled with aconitum inside, Lena’s known weakness. It’s also filled with microscopes, and computers and vessels of all kinds, with centrifugal machines and other equipment spread out along the room. It’s a weirdly refreshed room, maybe because of all the refrigerators hanging around, or maybe the wolfsbane also reduces Lena’s body temperature. She doesn’t really know._

_The pre-teen doesn’t mind it though. Her presence inside the room comes with a certain amount of pain – more than her necklace causes her – but she thinks that it helps her keep her cool in front of Lillian. She knows that she truly scared the older woman, even if she was too arrogant to admit, and it still ashamed her. She can feel that the amount of the plant has been increased in the room, but she decides not to comment on it, thinking it’s best not to irritate her adoptive mother, so she can leave unscarred this lab today._

_She was wrong to think that the direction of this meeting was entirely up to her, because after all the tests are taken, Lillian looks irritatingly at her after she fiddles with her mother’s necklace one too many times this afternoon and decides to question her on it._

_“What is that?” She says, eying the jewelry as if she’s scrutinizing every detail of it, making Lena’s wolf a little angry, and the woman must notice it too because her heart rate comes up and a smirk makes it’s way to her face._

_Lena thinks that it’s best that Lillian doesn’t know the value of the piece. The sentimental value, might the woman decide to take it from her. So she answers with an uncommitted “Nothing”._

_Lillian clearly doesn’t believe her, and she quickly manifests her disbelief. “If it’s nothing, then why are you always wearing it and always making sure it’s in place, as if you’re afraid to lose it.”_

_“I just like it, that’s all.”_

_“Don’t lie to me, Lena.” Lillian says, coldly through gritted teeth._

_She makes as if to take it away, but Lena quickly maneuvers away from her adoptive mother’s reach, even though she knows it will make her suspicions rise. She averts her eyes, and while mentally praying to whatever Gods that the older woman will leave it alone, says “My mother gave it to me."_

_She turns her head up to find the woman with an evil look on her face. Smirking at Lena as if she knows she’s got some advantage on her. Lena hates it. Lillian opens the lock, eyes glinting at what she finds inside._

_“Well, it would certainly be a shame if something happened to it, wouldn’t it, darling?” Lena actually grimaces at the term of endearment the woman uses. She remembers when her biological mother said it to her, and it made her feel safe and wanted. But right now as she hears it, it feels almost like an insult, leaving her cold as the comparison makes her realize how much she lost._

_She merely nods at Lillian, knowing that this particular subject and manipulation will come up many times in the future. Though she knows she will never have the heart to give the necklace away to stop it._

* * *

 

She picks the necklace up and opens the lock in it. Her fingers remain unburned, so she immediately knows that the plant that was inside was gone.

She knows what Lillian is trying to do. She’s making her unstable. She knows what triggers Lena’s wolf and knows how to play with it. With moving Lena’s necklace, she made sure Lena knew it was tampered with, making her paranoid. It also means that she purposefully messed with it because she knew it would bother Lena, making the CEO angry. She caused a riot of emotion inside her, while simultaneously making sure that the thing Lena could use to help her regain her control and composure was gone.

Well played indeed.

Her phone chimes, and Lena quickly takes it out of her jean’s pocket, worried it might be Lillian. She opens the text message and reads it.

“ **I had a lot of fun tonight. Sleep tight**!”

Kara.

If Lillian, has been watching her, and Lena’s been spending a lot of time with Kara, is it possible that Lillian will target her? Will she use the reporter against Lena? Manipulate her into disbelieving the CEO? Tell Kara her secret? Does Lillian know about Kara’s secret identity?

She starts spiraling into her own thoughts, moving around the house on autopilot and going through her routine motions subconsciously. All those questions are swimming in her mind, and she’s trying hard to manege to keep calm, even though there’s panic weighting her chest down, making her feel slightly numb.

She goes to bed with these thoughts. Tries to sleep but finds that they won’t let her. _What am_ I _going to do?_

 


	4. Chapter 4

There’s a tenseness in her neck, and she tries to use her fingers to massage it away. All this stress is a result of a mixture of various tiring situations.

First of all, there’s the problem that her adoptive mother is out gunning for her. She’s been messing with Lena’s head and she hasn’t even seen her mother once.

But Lillian is nothing but good at mind games, and she's slowly taking all her defences down: Her mother’s necklace, the wolfsbane, Kara.

The fact that the wolfsbane is gone seems to be a huge problem for Lena, since she has no other plant to put inside the lock of the jewelry, and doesn’t have the time to go find some. Lena knows she should check her priorities, after all how can her company mean more that the only thing that helps her relax? She asked Jess to try and find some for her though, stating that she enjoys the smell of the plant, that she finds it relaxing – which aren’t lies, so. She’s been incredibly busy with her company, trying to turn it into a force for good is not easy, because there were a lot of things to get disposed of, like weapons being manufactured by her brother’s orders.

There’s also the problem that after what Lex did, all her actions are met with incredulity, disbelieving and resistance. Her friends also take some of her time, even though after everyting that she found out about her mother made her try to remain distance a bit.

Alex, after the break into her office, usually takes her to shooting ranges, and tries to teach her how to defend herself – though Lena doesn’t really need it, not that Alex knows that.

Maggie usually takes her to bars and drinks with her. If Lena didn’t know better she would think that the detective was trying to get her drunk so that the CEO talks to her about Kara, given that the reporter always manages to be the issue they’re usually discussing.

And with Kara, well, Lena is forced to make an extra effort. The thought of her mother and brother somehow teaming up and starting a vendetta against Supergirl, and using her loved ones as a way to win, scares Lena and makes her incredibly guilty, all the while she’s angry. Lena makes an effort to be the one coming to Kara, making sure that the girl doesn’t expose herself (if she hasn’t already) by flying and meeting Lena in places that her mother or her goons are already watching.

Control is also slowly slipping away from her without her noticing, and as soon as she feels her heat spreading and her eyes blinding, she has to try very hard to keep everything up.

So, yeah, it’s been a tough couple of weeks.

She’s in her balcony, griping her glass of scotch and enjoying the refreshing night breeze while she waits for National City’s hero to show up.

She’d asked Kara, making sure that the girl thought that Lena believed she was only friends with the superhero, she asked the reporter to send a message to Supergirl, to have the Girl of Steel meet her in her balcony today.

The more Lena thinks about, the less worried she is that Kara is keeping this secret from her. She knows how important secret identities are, to make sure the people who are close to you remain unharmed and aren't used as some kind of leverage. Not to mention that they provide some normalcy. And really, it would be slightly hypocritical of Lena to be mad at Kara, wouldn’t it?

Sunshine fills her nostrils, and she’s very much aware of Kara’s presence behind her.

“Miss Luthor. You asked to see me?” Lena is suddenly very aware of how much different and at the same time similar Kara and Supergirl are.

Supergirl’s voice is strong and confident. As if the woman believes every word coming out of her mouth. While Kara’s is more hesitant when she’s addressing others, as if she’s not really sure of herself. Supergirl’s posture is straight, exhaling power and self-righteousness. Kara’s is also straight, but it sends warmth  and assurance to others instead.

But both have soft, expressive eyes, where affection shines through when she’s talking to Lena. There’s also the concerned crinkle in between her eyes, and the same dazzling smile.

“Yes. I wanted to warn you about my mother.”

“Your mother? Why?”

“Because she’s in town, and I know that after everything that happened with my brother, she might be after your cousin and you as well. Also, she has somewhat threatened me, more like indirectly, but I would still like to suggest you to be careful.”

Supergirl’s face, once confused and attentive, quickly turned into a fierce expression of concern after the threats Lena mentioned. The CEO doesn’t want to alarm her, so she’s quick to reassure. 

“Don’t worry Supergirl, she hasn’t hurt me or anything like that. I assure you she simply likes to play games with me. But I’m actually scared of what she might do to you.”

The hero’s concern fades a bit, but for Lena is easy to identify it around her eyes. It’s Kara, so Lena figures that’s how she’s so fast to identify it. She certainly has been paying a lot of attention to her, hasn't she?

“Thank you Miss Luthor – I – “

Whatever she was about to say got cut off by some loud silence perhaps some 10 blocks north of L-Corp. Both their heads turn instinctively to the sound. Kara eyes her strangely at that, and Lena awkwardly tries to pretend she was just fixing a stray lock of hair. But her heart rate picks up with her nervousness at being found out, and the hero must have noticed it from the look of confusion in her face.

“Sorry, duty calls.” She eventually says.

Then, with a nod towards Lena, she flies away, and takes the warmth with her, thought right now Lena is secretly relieved.

* * *

 

_“Do you understand how your body works?” Lionel asks her one day when they’re alone in the lab. She likes the time she spends with him after all her exams are taken. Even though they only ever talk about her wolf nature, she finds his commitment to helping her endearing, and he is also someone incredibly smart she enjoys talking with._

_“No. My mother said that all my physical advances would manifest themselves when I hit puberty, and then she would explain everything to me and help me have control.” Lena says. She’s 12 years old now, so she’s already going throw discovering her “powers”. So far she’s found her elevated strength, special hearing, her increased sense of smell and her capacity to sense people by their body heat easily._

_“I will try to study you and help you, though I think that you should be careful and start sleeping in the lab for now on.” He says, maintaining a unaffected expression on his face, and it truly disturbs Lena right now._

_“What? Why?” She asks, clearly scared and alarmed._

_“Because of our safety. You might be unstable and I don’t want you to loose control and hurt one of us.” Lena can’t disagree that she might accidently hurt Lillian, because of how much that woman puts her through, but she knows that she would never hurt Lex or Lionel. “I remember when you almost attacked Lillian, so I assume that your… transformation… is triggered by your feelings. I’m a Luthor, and if there’s one thing we know how to do is to hide and analyze emotions. So I’ll help you with that. But I want you to tell me everything that changes and the circunstances in which they happened. Are we clear?” He says it with such a rested look on his face, as if everything he said is not actually his problem. As if he’s not the one hiding a beast at plain sight in his mantion. Hiding someone unstable. Lena is distraught by this._

_She nods at him, showing him she understands what he says._

_“Now, I need to take more of your blood.”_

_“What? Why? You took a sample two days ago.”_

_“Don’t question me, Lena. Just do as I say.” He says, and even with the slight raise of his voice, his face remains expressionless._

_She starts questioning if he’s got her best interests at heart._

* * *

 

After her conversation with Supergirl, Lena spends the next day planting cameras and hidden sensors in her office and penthouse, as well as around both of their buildings.

She doesn’t think she can ever be too careful when it comes to her mother. She knows how smart the Luthors are, and how ruthless they can be, and it’s a dangerous combination.

She spends the next day in her office working with purpose, and at about 7pm that day she receives a text message.

“ **Hey, wanna have dinner at my house?** ”

It’s Kara. And by just seing her name on the message before reading it she knows she will already say yes to whatever it is.

She leaves the office and makes her way to Kara’s favorite Chinese restaurant to buy some pot stickers and proceeds to move towards Kara’s address.

She’s incredibly nervous as she makes her way towards Kara’s door, her palms are sweating and she feels her wolf getting ready for a fight. Almost as an instinct her body starts to release big amounts of energy in her veins and her heart pumps it to her entire body, making it boil uncomfortably. It’s a completely different phenomenon as the warmth that takes her when she’s around Kara, because then the heat is pleasant, and Lena’s insides soak on it. She has this realization once again as she is standing outside Kara’s door and senses her smell and hears her heartbeat. Her wolf immediately calms down, and the temperature of the energetic fluid flowing throw her dims, making her feel safe.

She knocks, and it’s barely three seconds before Kara opens it, smiling wildly. She quickly hugs Lena tight, but not with that much strength, and Lena admittedly wishes she used as much strength as she wished, so she feels a bit bad by this because if Kara knew her secret than she could probably hold Lena so much tightly, making sure both woman truly felt it. I _f you want her in your life, you can’t tell her._

“Lena, hi! I missed you so much!” Kara is standing way too close to Lena right now, because the sunshine smell is so much stronger than usual, and Lena is just looking at the reporter’s lips, and the all she's sensing almost makes her bold enough to kiss her. Almost.

“I missed you too. I brought pot stickers for you.” Lena says, after taking a step back and shaking her head as if it would help her rattle away her thoughts.

“Oh my God, you’re the best!”

They make their way to the couch and choose a movie while Kara eats. After Kara finds out that Lena hasn’t seen a lot of kid’s movies, she insists on watching one, stating that Lena doesn’t know how much she missed.

They settle on a Disney movie, Beauty and the Beast. As Lena watches it, she can’t not think of the resemblances between the movie characters and Kara and Lena. She knows is wishful thinking, assuming that the reporter and her might become a couple despite their differences but she still feels the flicker of hope as she watches Belle choose the Beast in the end. _Yep, wishful thinking._

She doesn’t know if it’s these past weeks’ stress or the warmth Kara provides, but she allows her eyes to close and her head to loll towards Kara’s shoulder where she falls asleep.

She wakes up to Kara’s fingers moving in her hair. The sensation plus the proximity and Kara’s smell give her a sense of comfort, belonging.

And it’s so calm, that she let’s herself be dragged once again to sleep, although this time her dreams are plagued by memories.

* * *

 

_She’s been dating Jack for almost two months now, and she really likes him. He’s sweet, pays her attention and is almost as smart as her. T_ _hings are going great between them. They work together during the day, and go out or stay inside enjoying each other’s company by night._

_This particular night, they decided to stay home._

_They still haven’t reached the physical side of their relationship. It’s hard for Lena, because when they get close enough to the act, Lena feels herself revealing. Feels her eyes changing colour with the nervousness, a large amount of energy released inside her, and warmth spreads through her._

_She can feel that the symptoms are not strong enough to mean that she’ll adopt her wolf form, but she knows the color of her eyes will not go unnoticed by Jack, or the unusual sting of her teeth and nails. She is deeply afraid of his reaction. She always steps away, and Jack respects it, even though she notices his frustration._

_Today, it was no different. They started kissing and touching each other, both daring to cross the line that both feel the want to be crossed. But, once again, Lena holds back as soon as she feels herself losing control._

_But apparently, today is actually different. Because today, when usually Jack would apologize and refocus his attention on the movie they were watching, he decides to confront her about it._

_“Talk to me Lena. You seem to want this as muchs as I do.” He says to her. His voice is sweet but she recognizes the irritation in it, hears how fast his heart is beating. It makes her feel guilty, and angry at herself, and it doesn’t help her relax at all, instead it only makes her more agitated._

_He grabs her face softly but surely, and turns her gaze towards is, but she keeps her eyes and mouth closed firmly, as the pain of her limbs starts running through her._

_She decides to risk it then. He has been nothing but sweet, lovely and understanding towards her. Maybe he will accept her as she is, maybe he’ll still want her._

_She slowly, hesitantly, opens her eyes, still focusing on the ground, and slowly connects her eyes to his._

_She hears his sharp intake of breath, sees his panicked look as he scrambles away from her and accidently falls from the couch as he takes in the color of her eyes and the now pronounced veins around them that truly give her an angry look._

_“What’s wrong with you? I – You scared me."_

_Lena flinches at hearing those words, because she knows how true they are. She feels guilty for the fear so clear in his face. It's overwhelming and she's burning even more intensely now._

_“I can explain! I was born different and – “_

_“You were born this way?" His eyes are so wide she's afraid they'll fall off._

_“No – I – I’m a hybrid, my genes are half wolf and half human, I – “_

_“You’re a fucking werewolf? And you didn’t fucking tell me? We’ve been together for months!”`_

_She tries to move closer to him, but as soon as she takes a step, he takes two back. Lena is suddenly desperate, her eyes are burning twice as before and she’s not sure that it’s because her heart is beating wildly and her wolf instincts to fight are kicking in or if it’s because of the tears she so wants to shed._

_“I’m sorry.” She says, closes her eyes and tries to calm down, return to her human form._

_“No. Get the hell away from me! Get out of my house!” Those words absolutely break her heart._

_He contacts her a week later and Lena feels a nimble of hope in her chest as she picks up. It dies when he asks for enough money to move to another city and start his own business, in exchange for not reveling her secret._

_She spends months after that solely focused on regaining control and forgetting about her heartache. Forgetting about Jack and everything that happened. Forgetting Lex and all his mistakes._

* * *

 

She wakes up with a gasp, her body jolting as if getting ready to flee, but then there are arms and warmth enveloping her in a tight hug as Kara’s reassurances are whispered in the crown of her head in between Kara’s own empathetic sniffs and barely there kisses as Lena simultaneously trembles and sweats in her arms. “Everything is alright. I’ve got you.” _But for how long?_

She can’t handle the pain if the same thing happens in the present.

She’s already in love with Kara. Probably has been since the day she saw her. She doesn’t know if she can take it.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Lena hasn’t essentially been avoiding anyone, really. She’s just busy. Even if she’s admittedly the one that makes herself busy every time she’s asked if she wants to get together or go somewhere for a meal.

It’s not just Kara, actually. It’s also Maggie and Alex.

After what happened in Kara’s house weeks ago, when she realized her true feelings for Kara, she decided she should probably keep her distance, for both their sakes. They still talk, occasionally, but Lena makes sure to not show how much it all really means to her, how much she cares about Kara, so she's probably a little cold. Kara must sense it too because she stops trying to contact her eventually, and Lena pretends it doesn't rip her inside. 

But Lillian is still a threat, so she figures she should also try to protect Supergirl and the ones she loves, meaning Alex and Maggie, so she decides to step away from them too.

Instead, she’s been focusing on her work.

She’s also desperately trying to bury all her emotions, because it’s getting harder and harder to control herself.

After the fiasco at Kara’s apartment, her thoughts spiraled out of control. Memories came up, closely followed by a lot of her previously buried emotions, because she’s always thought you can’t feel the exact same way twice, it always depends on the thought that the feeling is attached to. And now they’re heaving on her chest, just waiting for the right opportunity to fuel her into transformation.

At first, she doesn’t understand why all this bone crushing emotion is slowly occupying every space inside her body. It numbs her while simultaneously giving her so much power that she almost wishes to be able to release.

It's in the middle of a discussion regarding Lena's agenda and checking her calendar that she finally understands. 

Tomorrow is a full moon.

Usually the full moon doesn’t affect her at all. She was born with the werewolf gene, so when her cells absorb the light reflected by the moon and it’s minerals there’s not a significate change. Her cells are already adequate for processing that radiation. 

To Lena, it always meant that she would lose a bit of control. Lionel tried to teach her how to ignore her feelings and to make reasonable decisions, but she never quite managed to be entirely successful.

Sure, Lionel always made sure the lab was safely locked in those nights, but Lena usually spent the night reading, studying and engaging in every other activity that distracted her from how much she wanted to claw and kick at the closed iron door.

And in her adult years, it was the same. She would refrain from stepping out of her house at night and stay inside, enjoy some reading, though it was a little harder to control herself when even her work can rise some response from her over affected state. It’s literally like she’s on her period, without the blood.

Today seems different, more charged. She suspects it’s because of everything that happened with Lillian, things that are currently happening. Also she’s felt more in this past months with Kara than she felt for a long time. Alex and Maggie as well.

She doesn't have the necklace to help her remain herself. 

She decides that tomorrow she won’t come out of the house, for safety reasons. She’ll do all her work today so she doesn’t have to catch up later this week.

It’s 5 pm and Jess announces that the conference room is ready and that everyone in there is waiting for her to start the meeting. Lena makes her way inside and comes eye to eye with Jackson Miller, one member of the board who plays Lex’s advocate, always defending his ideas and dragging Lena’s down. He’s annoying to say the least. Always interrupting her, judging her with his smug looks and calling her _dear_ when he should be calling her _boss._

As soon as she sees him, her entire mood changes drastically. She struggles to make an impassive expression instead of a snarl towards the man.

She decides to ignore it. Decides to ignore the boiling anger that flows through her, clenches her jaw and closes her fist tightly, trying to alleviate the energy inside her discreetly.

It’s to no success though. Because only 10 minutes into her meeting, Jackson decides to rudely interrupt her, to point out that L-Corps financial status has come down as soon as Lena stepped in as CEO.

It’s then that Lena sees red. She doesn’t know if she’s transformed or if she’s showing any sign of transforming, but she doesn’t care, as she turns towards him sharply, her eyebrow raised as a scoffing sound drops from her mouth, turning every head in the room towards her with wide eyes, specially Jess’s.

“Oh really, Jackson?” She says with such gritted teeth that her jaw hurts. “I know that you think that just because you’re old it must mean you’re smart, but I have news to you – you’re clearly not as clever as you think, or at all, actually.” She becomes dangerously smug and satisfied when she sees the offended look on his face. He seems to be ready to say something back when she interrupts him, becoming twice as smug when he looks quite angry. “You see, Jackson, if you were smart, you’d realise that the financial decrease L-Corp suffered, happened right after Lex Luthor lost his damn mind and decided to murder innocent people while attempting to kill a Super.” She says. “And if you were minimally intelligent, you’d care to check the facts that you state, because if you were to request a statistical report, you’d see that when compared to a few months after Lex’s disaster, L-Corp is now doing immensely better.”

She’s enjoying way too much the burn in her body and the offended look on his face, the incredulous look on everyone in the room and on the crowd that formed outside.

He looks completely unprepared for her outburst. His mouth opens and closes a few times while he stares at her with his eyes comically wide. He takes a raging breath and stands up, pointing at her with an absolutely infuriated look on his face.

“You can’t talk to me like th – “

“There’s where you’re wrong Jackson. I can, because as of one minute and thirty seconds ago, right before I addressed you, you’re fired.” She shows him her phone, where she had sent an email to HR to make sure his demission is completed. “And you’re fired because you’ve been diverging funds from L-Corp starting one moth ago. I guess your mistress must be high sustenance.” Everyone in the company right now must be outside the conference room judging by the crazy amount of heartbeats she now hears, after exploding her anger towards Jackson, and it’s suddenly very overwhelming joined with the murmuring.

“Now you can leave the same way you came in. But this time security will accompany you out of the front door.”

With that, she quickly gets out of the conference room and makes her way quickly to her office, closes the door and leans her back against it for support while she tries to breath.

The anger she thought she dismissed with her outburst at Jackson quickly reappears, leaving her trembling with a powerful energy.

She moves to the bar and gets a glass of her strongest bottle of alcohol before sitting behind her desk and trying to calm down, with no success. She hasn’t felt anything else burn besides her body, but she knows that if she doesn’t control herself better, she will end up transforming in her office, and she definetly doesn’t want that.

After a few minutes, there’s a tentative knock on her door. A hesitant Jess comes in with her tablet clutched tight in front of her, her knuckles white. Lena realizes that Jess is scared of her, and that thought only manages the energy pulsing through her to be relieved slightly, being replaced by a weight she associates with guilt.

“Miss Luthor, Agent Danvers is here for you. Should I send her in?”

Now, Lena is truly indecisive. Should she let Alex in and try painfully hard to remain the little grip she has on herself and try not to outright hurt Alex? Or should she risk their friendship and safely keep her away?

She sights. “Let her in, Jess, please.”

A few moments after Jess makes her way out of her office, Alex Danvers comes in.

She has a concerned look on her face, and Lena quickly panics. Has something happened to Kara? Or Maggie? Is it her mother?

“I saw what happened in that meeting. Lena, are you okay?” Alex asks her, slowly, as if uncertain if she should ask the CEO that.

Lena, who was already panicking, blanched completely. She blinks twice before realizing that the concern was directed at her. Alex is concerned about me? Why?

“What do you mean, am I okay?”

“Well, I mean that you looked really upset. Don’t get me wrong, that was really badass and it made me realize how bossy you actually are, but still that was quite the outburst.”

With that being said, Lena just sights. She feels her weariness slipping away as she exhales, and she was able to muster the strength for a small smile to show on her lips.

“Yes. I’m fine, Alex. Thank you.”

“Great.” Alex doesn’t look convinced at all, but she lets it go, something Lena is incredibly thankful for. “Let me get to the point then. I came here to invite you to come have drinks with me and my friends tonight. We’re celebrating me and Maggie’s one year anniversary. We’d both like you to be there, you’re our friend. And Kara will be there too.” She finishes with a soft smile.

Lena is very much surprised by the thoughtfulness of the invitation. She’s never had many friends growing up, and it has certainly been a long time since she went out for drinks.

But she knows she shouldn’t go. She’s incredibly unstable today and loud, smelly spaces will not help her. Besides, her mother is still out there looking for her.

But she doesn’t want to be a bad friend to Alex and Maggie, who have been nothing but kind and honest to her. Who looked past her last name. Who made sure she always had help for anything. Who made sure she were safe.

“I’ll be there. Text me the address?”

“Absolutely. See you later!”

She knows it’s a bad decision as soon as she accepts it. But there’s no turning back now.

* * *

 

_She’s in her first year at boarding school. She’s also 14 years old and going to the same class as 18-year-olds. She’s surrounded by older people who envy her, mostly because of her age and intelligence._

_So, as expected, she’s picked on. A lot._

_To say it bothers her doesn’t cover it at all. Everyone around her looks down on her, and when they meet her eye they only do it so that their insults are heavily delivered._

_And then there’s Sinclair. To say that the girl simply picks on her is an euphemism. She insults Lena, pushes her around because she knows Lena can’t defend herself (Lena can, but won’t), tells the teachers she spotted Lena cheating on exams (though it’s quickly disbelieved when they make her repeat the test alone with three teachers in the room)._

_Lena absolutely despises her._

_Today, Sinclair decided that it would be nice to steal Lena’s books and dump them in the school’s swimming pool. Lena followed her to the sports building and they found themselves alone in front of the pool._

_“So, are you going to swim to get the books or should I push you inside?”_

_Lena doesn’t know what happens to trigger her so much. Maybe is the accumulation of trouble Veronica has caused her, maybe it’s her threat and the unspoked promise of her laugh reverberating through the walls as she walks away, or maybe it’s the smirk on her face. Maybe it's the knowledge that the only reason she's in this school and being bullied is because Lillian didn't care enough to be in the same house alone with her once Lionel leaves town for a few months. But Lena loses it._

_She feels claustrophobic. There’s a need in her to let go that seems to be closing in on her, a desperation to stop resisting and embrace herself before she squeezes herself to death with how she’s trying so hard to remain put together._

_She walks away from roulette, rather runs towards the locker rooms, ignoring Veronica’s calls and warnigns. As soon as she closes the door of the stall she’s in, she lets go of the hold she has, that makes her feel smaller but weighted by all her potential. Quickly the suffocating sensation she has is replaced by blinding pain and heat. She screams as her bones pull inside her skin in all directions, her muscles stretch, her teeth and nails ready to scratch and bite. The pain is too much, she regrets giving in to her urges now. But then, it all stops. She’s enveloped in a comfortable warmth everywhere. She looks down to find dark fur._

_All she can focus is one steady heartbeat. Veronica’s. She hears her confident steps. Senses her body heat. Smells her scent. She starts following her outside with her vision completely focused on her._

_Once they are outside, she moves closer to the girl, before jumping and landing suddenly in front of her, making the girl jump._

_The rise in her heartbeat’s speed and the completely terrified expression she has only fuels the wolf more, and Lena walks towards her, very slowly, like the predator she is, quietly observing her prey._

_She manages to trap Veronica against the wall. She moves close to her, the anger coursing through her once is now transformed in a sense of calm and inevitability. It feels natural, to want to harm the girl. She bares her teeth and prepares to jump towards the girl when suddenly two cars approach behind her. The strong headlights hurt her eyes and she is quick to move away. She is very quick in fact, because in less then 5 minutes she finds herself in her dorm room. Later when she reflects on this day, she’ll be glad the Luthor name guarantees she doesn’t have to share it._

_Hours later the adrenaline runs out, leaving only tiredness, and she repeats the cycle of pain before turning back into Lena._

_She lies down on her bed, where she eventually falls asleep._

_In the next morning, she wakes up with a newfound confidence. She has a lot of energy. She feels more physical and intellectually capable than ever. It’s dangerous and intriguing and oh so exciting._

_She absolutely loves it._

* * *

 

She makes her way to the bar at 9pm. Her driver takes her there and she dismisses him for the night, not sure how long she will be here anyway and she figures she’ll just run home later.

She has tried not to think of Kara or her feelings for her. They shared a few text messages, with Kara making sure Lena was okay and trying to make plans for the two of them to hang out, but Lena’s avoidance technique has always been great. But now, as she’s standing outside the weird bar (judging by their entrance, wich is completely hidden from the street, inside an alley), she knows it’s inevitable the rush of feelings that will run through her, because it is a full moon after all. She just hopes that it doesn’t overwhelm her just as everything else seems to do today.

She’s dressed in a grey dress that clings to her body and a black blazer that matches her black heals. Her hair is loose after all the buns Lena destroyed only in the morning with her frustrations and some of her make up removed. It’s her usual business attire but today it seemed too hot, like it was squeezing her body too much, and her make up as well, made her skin feel incredibly dirty, resulting in a need to claw it away.

She steps inside, and is immediately surprised to see so many strange faces. And she means it quite literally, given she’s actually looking at aliens.

She has to hold herself down right there. Her wolf takes this as some kind of challenge. As if the possibility of danger, due to the way her mother and Lex think of aliens, her wolf seems to stand up and pace inside her, attentive at any sense of danger he might find.

She spots her friends in a booth, with some other people she doesn’t recognize, and makes her way there. Kara’s smell immediately finds her, and so do her eyes. As soon as she spots Lena, she gets up and walks towards her, already enveloping the Luthor in a tight hug although she seems hesitant to do so. Lena feels guilt at that. 

“I've missed you, Lena.” She says softly, like an admission she's not supposed to make. 

Lena relaxes into it, but doesn’t hug back. Instead she decides to drop her chin on Kara’s shoulder, which gives her a position which she can smell everything Kara, but decides to maintain her hands, that are balled into tight fists, inside her coat pockets.

“I missed you too." Lena’s voice is also soft and longing. 

Kara looks at her, concerned frown on her face.

Lena knows she must seem so small right now. She’s curled into herself after the feeling that Kara brings out on her warmed it’s way inside her, and the loud sounds of the bar became even louder.

Alex and Maggie come to her then. She congratulates them both, forcing herself to remain normal, so that the couple can have all the attention they deserve today.

They have a few drinks once Lena is seated next to Kara and introduced to everyone. She meets Winn, who she thinks is really smart and talks about her idea on a black body field generator. She meets James, photographer and CEO of CatCo, who she decides to talk as well later in the evening, about politics and business decisions. But most of the evening she spends alone, with her thoughts. She knows she's unfocused and seemingly too small as she isolates herself, but she can't help but desperately rationalize everything just to prevent the possibility of loosing control. 

Her intention to stay away from the spotlight is thrown away because after a few drinks, Alex decides that it would be funny to share what happened in L-Corp today with Jackson.

“You should have seen it. I was making my way to her office when I notice there’s a small crowd of people outside this room. I got curious so I made my way to the front of the group of people to see what was happening. And then I see Lena. She has her arms crossed and her chin held high as she stares down at this dude, I didn’t even know what she was saying but everyone there was so shook! Then she looks up, notices the people looking at her and smirks devilishly. I swear! She knows everyone in the company can hear her and starts calling the man a donkey and telling him how she knows about him stealing from her company and then fires him in front of everyone. It was actually really hot, sorry Mags.” 

Lena can tell she's drunk, but that particular knowledge doesn't really prevent a blush from appearing at her cheeks due to Alex's words, and the way everyone is staring at her. 

“No problem babe, I can imagine it and I totally agree with you.”

Everyone stops after the story is over and just looks at her. She struggled not to take these attitudes as some type of scrutinize but her heart still begins to beat fast, energy going wildly within her.

Then everyone starts laughing and it makes it so much worse. She’s not in charge of herself, and her pulse races even more, burning everything and the pain begins. She tries to smile, and apparently it’s believable enough, because everyone moves on from the subject. She expects herself to calm down now, but it doesn’t happen. She feels as if everything around her is closing in, asphyxiating her. She can’t focus on anything besides the heat and the pain, everything around her becomes blurry and the mantra in her head _Calm down, deep breaths_ also starts to fall apart in itself.

She’s becoming more desperate by the minute, silently suffering while everyone is having fun.

She’s surrounded by people, but she feels alone.

She’s in pain, but nobody sees it.

But someone does. Kara, when she wasn’t paying attention, was solely focused on her, worried while listening to her heart rate, scared as she listened to Lena’s painful gasps of air. Lena didn’t notice, but she does now as Kara’s hand settles on top of her own and squeezes.

Lena feels her pain slowly drifting away. Almost as if Kara’s touch repels it. The warmth of the contact chases away the demons inside the raven haired woman, and she relaxes against her.

Minutes pass, and Lena feels better. She’s not back to normal, because there’s still undying energy in her, and her wolf is still alert, but there’s no pain anymore.

She listens as Kara is deep into conversation with Alex. She watches her as well. Notices how Kara’s hair seems so golden in the dim light of the bar. Sees how the lighting bulbs reflect on her blue eyes, making them twinkle. Watches her lips move as the words form in them. She misses completely Maggie’s empathic look as she watches Lena.

More drinks later, Kara and the three men make their way to the pool tables, and Alex goes to the bar to order another round, leaving Lena and Maggie, basking in the quiet-ish glow of the booth now that the others left. Lena is focused on Kara, as she laughs at something Winn said and throws her head back while doing it. Maggie is focusing on Lena, knowingly.

Alex makes her return to the booth after handing the others their beers and giving Lena and Maggie theirs as well. She joins Maggie in conversation and Lena listens attentively, trying to distract herself as much as possible.

That’s when the door of the bar opens loudly. A man walks in, looks around the bar for something or someone, and Lena watches amusedly at the way his face lights up as he finds it.

Her amusement is short lived though as she sees who he was looking for. Kara. She is even less amused when he walks up to her and kisses her lips. Honestly, she’s absolutely crushed.

Maggie must see the way her face falls, because she grips her forearm and approaches her.

“You didn’t know?” She asks quietly, in a manner that indicates that she already knew answer.

“No. I didn’t know.” Lena answers. She tears her gaze away, missing the way Kara looks at her quickly after the man tears himself from her. Though he doesn’t notice it.

Lena doesn’t really care though. She feels the sadness making her numb and the anger towards her hope and naiveté making her powerful. She hates this. Hates herself right now.

This is the last thing she needed.

If she was struggling to push her feelings aside before, it’s an impossible task now. Staring at her lap, she tries to rationalize things as much as possible. _You can’t be that surprised,_ she thinks. She already feels the tell-tale signs of loosing control though. The veins swelling, the pain starting, the eyes bruning.

Luckily, but not lucky at all, her phone makes a noise from her pocket and she recognizes it as the notification ringtone to her office’s alarm sensors she installed.

She quickly, almost resulting in sending it flying throw the room, picks it up. She unlocks it and sees the sensor’s life feed, and sure enough, someone’s there, sitting peaceful on her couch. Lillian.

“Shit!” She didn’t expect the volume of her voice to be so loud, but sure enough almost every head in the bar turn to her.

“What’s wrong?” Alex and Maggie both ask at the same time. Both of them get up from their seats to mimic Lena’s position.

“I have to go. I’m really sorry I hope all of you have a wonderful night, but I- I have to-” She doesn’t really give an explanation. She doesn’t have a reasonable one. She just takes off her heels and all but runs towards the door.

She hears Kara asking Alex what’s wrong, hears her calling her name and running after her. But the CEO doesn’t stop and when Kara steps outside the bar she’s already gone.

 


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as she steps inside the door, she finds Lillian, still seated in the same spot the sensors showed Lena she would be.

She’s calm and collected, as usual, with her signature smirk on her lips as she glances up at Lena.

“What are you doing in my office?” Her voice is raw, after the panic that settled in her and her throat aches from the desire to turn.

“I see that you’re not yourself right now.” She says it in such a neutral voice that if Lena didn’t hear her sharp intake of breath and the quickening of her heart she wouldn’t have believe she’s scared.

“I’m not. So just tell me what you want.”

“I want to make your life miserable Lena, that’s all.” She says, with her sickening smirk in place. “I think I’m going to start my mission by Supergirl, you two seem quite close.”

“Don’t you dare put your hands on her.” Lena all but growls. She feels her eyes change with the veins around them, teeth and nails as well.

Lillian walks up to stand right in front of Lena, her eyes sending daggers.

“How dare disrespect your brother like that, being friends with a Super? They ruined your brother.”

“Supergirl didn’t have anything to do with it. Neither did Superman. Lex did it to himself. He’s deranged.”

As soon as the words leave her mouth, a sharp object is thrown at her, but she’s in her hybrid form, both human and wolf, so her instincts are fast and she succeeds in moving away in time to avoid contact.

But it does nothing to tame down her beast. In fact it only fuels her anger and makes her wolf more agitated. Her eyes become tunneled and focus on her mother and her alone. She focuses on her scent, sounds, heat. She moves towards her.

Then she flinched as a loud noise rings in her ears, followed by excruciating pain on her shoulder.

She’s not bulletproof, but usually she’s able to take the bullet out and heal herself in 10 seconds maximum.

However, right now, she clutches her shoulder as the pain pulls a scream out of her. She tries to pull the bullet out, but her fingers burn as she tries. She can see the flesh being burned as well around the bullet, and she turns to her mother.

“Wolfsbane in the bullets.”

“Yes, there is. Wich means you can’t take it out. I suppose you’ll have to suffer through the pain. See you later, dear.”

With that she walks away. Lena doesn’t look up to her to see the expression on her face, but she knows that her smirk would be bigger than ever, and amusement and satisfaction might swim in her eyes.

She feels her eyes aflame with her shoulder. Her teeth are sharpened. Her veins are dilated. She knows how she looks. She can’t ask for help without exposing herself, but if she doesn’t call anyone, she might bleed to death.

She’s not sure how long she stayed horizontal on the ground, clutching her shoulder and trying to think of something to do.

In the end, the choice is taken away from her, as Jess quickly marches into her office. Lena’s eyes widen in surprise, and she quickly turns her face away from her secretary, hoping she won’t see her beastly look.

“You don’t have to do that, Miss Luthor, I know your secret.” Jess says.

“How did you find out?” She slurs. The pain is intense. So much that she doesn’t really focus on what’s being said, or the consequences her admission might imply.

“I’ve been working with you and accompanying you almost every day for 3 months, Miss Luthor. I simply payed attention.” She states flatly, conversationaly. As if Lena isn’t bleeding and Jess’s hands aren’t covered in blood. “Besides, you did ask me to find you wolfsbane.”

Lena’s eyes widen, almost falling from her eye sockets. If Jess knows, than she must have seen Lena in her deranged moments. Shame suddenly overcomes her, but so does a strange sense of relief. But she still doesn’t turn her head, thinking that even if Jess knows her secret somehow, she doesn’t want to scare the woman by showing herself.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Take it out, please.” Lena rasps out.

She’s not prepared for Jess’s fingers poking the hole in her shoulders, and lets out something in between a scream, a growl and a groan.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Jess chants as she grabs then pulls the bullet out. The pain is relieved immediately but not to a nonexistent level, in fact, it still hurts a lot, but clearly not as much as before.

Lena takes deep breaths and senses as much as feels herself calm down. The burning in her body stops, except from her shoulder. This confuses her because the pain should’ve stopped as soon as the bullet came out. Not unless it somehow dispersed wolfsbane though your system.

She finally turns to Jess, who is now analyzing the bullet and the blood in her hands. Lena doesn’t need to hear her heart (neither can she do it, due to the aconitum in her system) to know how nervous her secretary is, as it is written all over her face.

“Thank you so much Jess. I’m going to give you a really big raise.” This causes the other woman to chuckle, and the worried lines on her face to soften a bit more.

“Thank you ma’am. But I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Lena smiles softly at her, letting her eyes show the gratitude she feels. She’s reminded of the amount of pain she’s in when she tries to stand up. She lets out a groan but Jess once again comes to her rescue.

Together they manage to sterilize the wound with some alcohol from Lena’s bar. _Ouch._ Then they rummage through the company in search of something to close the wound (Jess has a sewing kit in her desk), because Lena can’t go to the hospital without exposing herself. _Ouch._ And then they finally find some bandages and a white scarf to wrap around Lena’s arm and shoulder in order to make it stop moving as much.

“By the way Jess, how did you know I was here?”

“I might have granted access to myself of the sensors outside your office, and I saw your mother come in, followed by you. But then when she came out she had a gun in her hand and you stood inside for more than 15 minutes. That’s when I arrived.”

“You’re definitely getting a big raise.”

-

As soon as she gets home, she disposes her clothes for soft cotton pajamas and goes straight to bed. Even though the wolfsbane allows her shoulder to hurt, it also makes her senses dull, allowing Lena to be completely enveloped by silence and in her tired state, it lulls her into a deep much needed sleep.

-

She wakes up the next morning by an incessant knocking on her door. She checks her phone for the time and realizes how late it is. It’s the afternoon already. She has also several messages from Jess, saying that she should rest and that her secretary would take care of anything that came up at the office. A raise and a full paid vacation.

There are also a few missed calls and texts from Alex, Maggie and Kara, which she ignores for now.

Annoyingly and slowly, with lethargy and slug movements she gets up from the bed and goes to open the door. She still feels sleepy and realizes she doesn’t have her superior senses restored yet either, so her shoulder hurts. A lot. There’s also a dull headache, and the knocking is not helping with that.

She opens the door and is surprised by what she sees. Kara and her boyfriend. _Could my life get worse?_

If she was in a bad mood from the pain, now she’s in an even worse mood from the surprise visit. She knows that she can’t blame Kara for being worried about her (it actually pleases her), but did she really have to bring Mike?

“Thank R-God, Lena. You had us so worried. You just ran out yesterday and then you weren’t answering your pho – what the hell happened to your shoulder?”

She looks from her shoulder, a little bit of blood in the white scarf wrapped around it to Kara, only to find her with worry in her eyes and a slight vision of panic. Her heart immediately melts at the sight, and she momentarily forgets all the reasons she was upset before. Her eyes soften, and she rubs the back of her neck with the other hand, the one in the uninjured arm.

“I… I hurt myself. Yeah, I fell. And hurt myself. In the lab.” She mumbles, very quietly to the ground. She feels awkward lying directly to Kara’s face. It’s different from hiding things from her (like _herself),_ and it makes her grimace as she sees the clear concern on her face and has to throw false statements at it.

“God Lena, are you okay?” Lena’s heart is absolute jelly right now, vibrating longingly as every vibration of Kara’s soft and concerned voice goes through it.

“I’m fine Kara. It’s all been taken care of. Thank you.”

Kara pulls her into a tight hug then, and Lena completely ignores the pain in her shoulder to hold Kara back as tightly and as long as she can. She closes her eyes, but as she tries to move her arm to encircle Kara’s waist, a pinch of pain goes through the left side of her body and she hisses.

Kara steps away from her, and only when she accidentally collides with Mike in her haste to move back do both women remember he’s still there. Kara blushes immediately, but Lena is too busy trying to interpret the look he’s giving her to actually pay much attention to the possible reason.

He’s looking at her with his eyebrows scrunched up, making his eyes look dark and stormy, like a petulant child. His mouth is set in a thin line as she looks at her, as if he himself was trying to read her.

Kara interrupts their intense staring.

“Oh, right! Um, Lena, this is, um, Mo – Mike, my, um , my boyfriend?” She says. It sounds more like a question than anything and Lena sees as he turns towards her with a question in his gaze as well.

But Lena doesn’t dwell on that. Because Kara, the woman she was in love with, was in love with someone else.

She shouldn’t be that surprised really. Kara is definetly something else. Something too good. Who wouldn’t want her?

And people don’t usually choose Lena. She’s always sought when she’s needed. No one ever _wants_ her. And she’s never really cared about this fact because she’s never really cared about anyone before, besides Jack. _Remember how that turned out?_

Everything that happened with Jack is also a reminder as why she won’t ever have someone by her side. She is a monster. She is someone to be feared. Her daily struggle to dominate herself is proof of her instability.

But, honestly, Kara had seemed different. She was _optimistic, pure, joyful,_ and _acceptant_ of her despite her last name. Or Kara’s identity.

Now that Lena thinks of it, maybe those were the precise reasons she should have tried harder to stay away from the reporter. She doesn’t want to corrupt her somehow. Although she knows there's hurt in Kara's past, unlike Lena who runs away from it, she embraces it to make herself stronger. Lena's afraid she'll be another who hurts her.

“It’s nice to meet you.” She says, more for Kara’s sake than her own or Mike’s. She extends her good hand to him. She feels him grip it with more force than necessary, and tilts her head while she’s trying to understand where this bluntness came from.

“Do you need anything? Have you got any painkillers? Or food? Maybe some new bandages?” Kara says.

“Actually, I could really use some painkillers…” She says, as the pain on her shoulder starts becoming stronger than when she woke up. She also feels her skin flushed, so she suspects she might have a fever. My cells must be fighting the wolfsbane off my bloodstream. Good.

“We’ll go pick it up really quickly then.”

“Actually, I’m going to stay here with Lena. You know, to make sure she doesn’t stay alone.” Mike says, and Lena eyes him suspiciously, not sure where his kindness is really coming from.

“Oh. Well okay. Great!” Kara is confused at first, but she quickly becomes her cheery self and smiles before making her way out of the apartment.

As soon as she leaves, Mike’s smile drops, and he turns to Lena with the same furrowed brow as he had before.

“Do you like my girlfriend?”

“What?” Lena’s brain completely blanches at that. She was not expecting that question, at all.

“Do you like my girlfriend?” He repeats, and each word is accompanied by a step forward, but Lena stays on her spot, not letting herself seem vulnerable in front of him.

“You know what, you don’t even have to answer that actually. I saw the way you looked at her and the way you sank into her arms.” He spits, with a clearly displeased look on his face.

“Then what do you want?” Lena asks, intent on showing him he doesn’t scare her at all.

A creepy smile graces his lips as she says those words, and he steps forward once again.

“I want you to know, that she chose me. Kara’s beautiful, she could have everyone she ever wished for, including you. But she chose me. She didn’t wish for you.” He says. The smile on his lips hasn’t faded; it has actually brightened with every word that spilled from his mouth. As if he knew the effect those words had on Lena.

It wasn’t those words that hurt her, because that wasn’t news for her. She’s been thinking like that ever since she saw them together on the bar, kissing, laughing.

But she always knew she wasn’t worthy of Kara. No one is ever worthy of someone as strong, delicate, smart and determined as Kara. Not even him.

Kara is so much more than beautiful.

She’s about to tell him exactly that when there’s a knock on her door again, signaling Kara’s arrival. She almost smiles at how evident it was she used her super speed, but remembers the situation she’s in.

She moves away from Mike to open the door and welcomes Kara with a slightly forced smile.

Kara notices it as well and the affectionate smile on her lips fades into a concerned one, and she offers the painkillers to Lena, and a Tupperware as well.

“What’s this?”

“It’s, ah, chicken soup. I noticed you looked a bit feverish, and I have the medication for it in the bag, but I thought you might want the soup as well. They were, um, selling it at the pharmacy as well." She's blushing and fidgeting with her glasses. 

Lena looks down at the recipient in her hand and its contents. The smile on her lips becomes real after being faced with Kara’s thoughtfulness and nervousness. 

“Thank you. You're an angel." She says without thinking, and quickly chances a glance up to see a beautiful blush in Kara’s cheeks as she adjusts her glasses and Mike’s angry snarl, can almost smell the smoke coming from his ears.

“No problem!” Kara squeaks, with a large toothy smile. Mike turns to her then, and it seems that his anger doubles, and Lena can’t help but let out a small laugh at that.

They leave soon after that, Lena giving the excuse that she’d like to sleep the pain off, but really she just can’t spend any more time with Kara and Mike without being constantly reminded of their relationship, and the conflict it brings her.

-

 She doesn’t sleep the rest of the afternoon.

She answers Alex and Maggie’s calls, as well as James and Winn’s texts (those truly surprised her), making sure all of them know that she is currently fine.

The reality of Kara’s involvement with someone else is hunting her thoughts, and she tries to find something to keep her mind occupied (or distracted from them).

She realizes that he pain is slowly disappearing, meaning that the wolsbane is probably leaving her system as well. So, with some newfound energy she decides to take profit of this day off work, focus on her mother instead.

She sits on the black chair behind her home office’s desk, turns on her computer, and finds the distraction she was looking for.

She remembers her mother’s words. I think I’m going to start my mission by Supergirl. (She shudders at the memory of Lillian’s steely voice). Her mind starts working at sonic speed, matching her fingers as they press into her keyboard. If her mother knows about her “friendship” with Supergirl, then she must be following her around as well. So, she hacks into the city’s video surveillance system and tracks Supergirl’s movements through town. Analyzing the various recordings, she realizes that they all lead to the same building; they all end with the same black, unidentifiable car following; Alex, Winn and occasionally James’s car as well. So, this must be their organization.

She didn’t find serious intel that leads her directçy to Lillian. But knowing that the car following Supergirl’s movements to the building is a constant in every video she watched, different plans start to form in her head.

She’s so engrossed in finding and examining those videos that she loses track of time.

And also, apparently, track of herself. She feels so much better now. Her senses are at full power now, and the pain is gone, being replaced by a restlessness that Lena associates with today’s full moon. Right.

She moves to her kitchen to eat the soup that Kara brought her, because apparently her appetite is fully restored as well. That’s when she smells the reporter and listen’s as she exits the elevator and walks to her door.

She feels the slight burning sensation that Kara brings her embrace her again. 

She finds herself getting more and more excited as she listens to the careful steps getting closer, and the thought that if she had a tail, she’d be wiggling it occurs to her. She is really becoming irritated with herself. More like a _puppy._

The realization that Kara’s alone this time does nothing to tame her excitement; if anything it makes her even more joyful.

She also starts panicking. It's the full moon and she doesn't want to do something incriminating in front of Kara. 

She puts a blanket around her shoulders to hide her way too hot skin, and her probably already healed shoulder.

A timid knock surges on her door. It's still the full moon, and she should really remain isolated now that her system isn't overflowing with wolfsbane. 

She’s moving towards the door. _Don’t do it, Lena!_ Turning the handle. _You’re going to regret this._ She opens the door. _Stupid bitc_ –

“Kara, hi! What are you doing here?” She knows she’s beaming right now. _Pathetic._

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you. I just – I just came to check on you. Make sure you’re okay.” She says. There’s the delicious blush on her cheeks and the adjustment of her well placed glasses.

“Nonsense, Kara. You’re always welcomed here.”

“Oh. Well thank you.” Now Kara’s beaming too, and it simply makes Lena way too happy. _Stop your metaphorical tail!_ “Are you okay though? You look warm.” She puts a hand on Lena’s forehead, and she’s not even embarrassed to admit she completely leans into it. _You will be later._

“I’m fine. I took the pills. I feel pretty great right now, actually. I guess it’s just hot in here.” She says. 

Kara blushes and stammers something incomprehensible in response. Only then does Lena realize the double meaning to her words, and she actually feels a bit proud of herself. 

They move to the couch, and Kara starts talking about her day and her sister and everything that comes to her mind. Lena listens attentively to her rants for more than 30 minutes, occasionally interrupting with questions or teasing. She’s suddenly even more aware of everything that Kara is.

She focuses on her eyes, and thinks that she isn’t surprised that hot laser rays leave them, noticing the amount of warmth in them.

She focuses on her hands, how she moves them excitedly as she talks about something she did with Alex, and Lena realizes that it’s expected that the reporter has so much energy, because of the speed and precision of the movements.

She focuses on her lips, and the way they curl to form words and stretch to show her beautiful trademark Kara Danvers megawatt smile.

“Are you actually listening to me?” Kara asks, but her tone is laced with amusement, no resentment whatsoever.

Lena shakes her head. “I’m sorry. It must be the fever.” She laughs, not meeting Kara’s eyes. There’s a second when only Kara’s laugh resonates, and another when everything is silent. “Why didn’t you tell me you were dating him?”

Kara flinches, eyes filling with guilt, but then she just shrugs, “it just didn’t come up in our conversations.”

“But it’s something important to you. I want you to be able to talk to me about what you think matters.”

“And I do, Lena. I just, I don’t know, it was still so new and I didn’t wanna make it official I guess.”

“I understand.” Lena says. “I just want you to know that I’m here for everything you need. Always.” Maybe she should hold back on the seriousness for now.

But Kara doesn’t answer, and Lena is starting to regret saying anything until Kara hugs her and Dear God, Mike is certainly the luckiest man alive.

"You know, today is the day I was adopted by the Danvers 13 years ago." Kara says with a sad smile. "It's a very conflicting memory, you know. I'm so happy that the Danvers found me, but at the same time it costed me all my biological family. I try to avoid thinking about it as much as possible." 

"I'm sorry. But you're allowed to be happy. Your family would've wanted you to be."

"I know, I know. But I can't help but feel guilty because out of everyone I was the only one that left. They lost everything, all their acomplishments and life's work." There are tears running on her cheeks, finding the valley of her jaw before falling to her lap. 

Lena moves closer, opens her arms in a clear invitation, eyes understanding. Kara accepts it and moves towards Lena, positioning her head below her chin, sobs breaking from her mouth and finding the sensitive skin of Lena's neck. Lena holds her tightly, strong enough that she knows Kara can actually feel it, hopes it helps her feel safe. 

"They didn't lose everything, Kara. They have you. You are their legacy, their lives are carried in your heart and in every little thing you do for the world." She kisses Kara's head, whispering soothing words and holding her head against her chest. They both fall asleep. 

-

After staring at her ceiling for an hour, after Kara left early in the morning after they woke up still wrapped in each other's arms in Lena's couch, she remembers about what she found out about Lillian and the threat she poses to Kara’s safety.

With that in mind she decides to call Alex. She doesn’t call Kara or Supergirl because she knows if she wants to keep Kara safe she needs someone to act rationally, without Lena or Kara’s impulsiveness.

“Hey, Alex. I need you to take me to whatever government organization you and Supergirl work in. I have important information regarding her safety and it also involves my mother.” She says, as soon as the call connects.

There are a few seconds of silence on the other side of the line, though Lena, with her altered hearing, is able to her Alex’s small gasp and her heart speeding up.

“Wait… What?”

 


	7. Chapter 7

_It’s been a week since she turned, after the whole debacle with Veronica Sinclair. The name still makes her scoff, and she makes sure to show it to the other girl when she passes her in the school’s corridors._

_She hasn’t messed with the Luthor since it happened, perhaps a bit surprised by Lena’s newfound confidence and the way she now stands tall and replies to her in the same tone as Veronica when the older girl decides to try and push her down again._

_But for some reason, after everything Sinclair has put her through, it just doesn’t seem to be enough. She yearns for revenge. To make her feel the same pain and embarassement as the girl provoked her with her public humiliations._

_So that’s why, on a Friday afternoon when she’s supposed to be in Chemistry class, she decides to break into Veronica’s room._

_She knows it’s something risky to do. Knows that the Luthors will be alerted by her skipping class. She should actually be concerned after the last phone call she had with her father, after he was notified of Lena’s “undisciplined” attitude towards her professors. She didn’t even wait for him to finish his tirade before she ended the call and proceded to crash her phone in her hands to be left alone. Truly, it wasn’t even her fault; all she did was correct her professor and proceed to show him and her classmates how… dense… he was, while openly challenging him to refute._

_So yeah, she should probably be careful. But for some reason, she can’t. She feels as if she’s at the top of the world; as if her actions won’t have any consequences; as if she’s too powerful to be punished._

_She’s sitting on the girl’s bed with her laptop, waiting for her to arrive. For the past week, she’s been following her around. Without her noticing._

_She took pictures of her. Specially pictures that would probably discredit the “badass persona” she’s estabilished. There’s one where she was sleeping and clutching her teddy bear to her chest. One she took of Roullete’s ballet class. One of her secretly making out with some boy she usually makes fun of in front of everyone. And so much more._

_On her laptop, she hacked the school’s screening system, and made sure to have every television screen broadcast the Power Point presentation she made with all the pictures and detailed descriptions of them, so that there are no confusions. She’s also invaded the school’s cameras to see Veronica’s and every other student’s reactions to it._

_She watches, amused and with overwhelming pride as everyone murmurs and laughs while Veronica clenches her fists and angrily swipes under eyes. She sees the girl run away from the scene and waits, knowing that she’s coming for her._

_Her smirk widens as the door opens, revealing a red rimmed eyed Veronica, and her smugness is at unbelieving high levels right now._

_“What the fuck are you doing here Luthor? Get the fuck out!”_

_“Did you enjoy the show, Veronica? It took me quite the effort and time to manage the best descriptions possible. You know, so that everyone knows the real truth.”_

_“You did this? You’ll regret this. I’m going to kill you!” She watches, still amused, as Veronica lunges towards her and she darts away easily._

_She’s surprised of how much sharpened her senses and instincts became since her last transformation._

_She laughs at the fury and surprise splashed in the other girl’s face, and laughs even more as those feelings are even more noticeable after her amusement._

_“Oh please. Do you actually think I’m scared of you? I mean, I’ve been in your room for almost an hour. Your teddy has told be about all of your insecurities.” She coos and smirks as Veronica’s eyes quickly dart away to locate the bear, and after she finds it, looks at her with anger coming out of her in waves. Lena can actually smell it. Must be another perk of transforming, she thinks._

_The other girl moves to push her, but Lena grabs both of her arms. In the moment of contact, all the memories of all the situations of shame Veronica as put her through play in front of her eyes, and she feels her anger overpower her. She feels her hybrid form manifest itself on her face, and shines under the terrified look in Veronica’s face._

_She ignores the pain on her body that reminds her of the need to turn into her fully wolf form in favour to comply to yet another wish._

_She feels the desire to rip the other girl to pieces, starting by her jugular. She doesn’t understand why, but it’s all that she can think about. She sees her pulse point beat wildly underneath her fingertips, and it gives her so much pleasure. It’s the only thing she can think about._

_She’s about to move in when something pierces the skin of her own neck. All the power within her moves away at then, and she barely registers the ground coming closer to her before she’s surrounded by black._

_-_

_She wakes up what she thinks is seconds later, but coulds actually be hours or days._

_She opens her eyes, and notices she’s in her room back at the Luthor mansion._

_She feels different. Before blacking out she felt like she was the very best, at the top;now she feels like she’s at the bottom, being crushed by the world itself. She supposes the heavy feeling in her chest is actually guilt. It squeezes whatever energy she had out._

_She looks up to find Lionel and Lillian’s eyes focused on her. Her adoptive mother looks the same as she last saw her. Cold and dangerous but pristine and elegant. Her father though, he looks crushed. The last she saw him was two months ago, after returning from boarding school for Christmas, but he looks like years have passed. There’s dark circles around his eyes that makes his look hollow. There are lines around them and his mouth that weren’t there. He’s pale and his veins are very superficial._

_“Good. You’re finally awake.” Her mother says, indifferently._

_She can’t find her voice to reply. She tries to move her head a bit to look at them better, but she can’t. Nor can she move any other part of her body._

_Her father must see the panic on her eyes, because he explains it to her._

_“We’ve paralyzed you with a large amount of wolfsbane. After everything you did and almost did as well, we’ve decided that it’s for the best if you don’t leave the mansion from now on. You won’t leave the AcoLab as well. We made sure to bring everything in your room here, and a TV and more books as well. You’ll be homeschooled and I will come down here once a day to run tests, as usual.”_

_His voice is cold, and as he continues talking, she feels even more panic overcome her. She wants to apologize, ask for forgiveness, to be let out of this place, because of the pain it makes her feel; but she can’t use her voice, so she settles with widened eyes filled with panic and tears._

_He doesn’t look her in the eye though, and gets out of the lab silently._

_Lillian stays, and watches her with a smirk and overly pleased look on her face. Lena knows this must feel like a victory to her, to see Lena completely powerless and in pain while she looks down to her._

_She puts a hand on Lena’s throat, curling her fingers and applying mild pressure, but not actually hurting her. It feels more like a warning._

_“You look good like this, dear. Fragile and silent. You’re lucky you’re needed, or you’d be dead by now.”_

_With that being said, she leaves._

_How is it possible, Lena thinks while she cries silently; How is it possible to be at the top of life in one moment, and like a rollercoaster, descending to the abyss the next second. The worst part is that she knows this isn’t the bottom yet._

* * *

 

She’s brought back to the present by a gentle clearing of a throat. She’s been at the DEO, after Alex picked her up and brought her here. Lena shared with them everything she found out, with extreme detail as to prevent any misunderstandings provided by her last name.

She knows she has probably been staring at the floor lost in thought for nearly five minutes, and didn’t even notice Alex approaching her.

She looks up to Alex’s face. “Lena, this is my boss, Hank Henshaw. He is the director of the DEO.”

Lena now turns to the man standing there and quickly recognizes him. Her heart beat skyrockets her as she remembers where exactly his face is familiar from. Panic hits her, and she doesn’t even pay attention to the burning in her veins before she, in one smooth movement, grabs Alex’s guns, kicks off safety, takes two steps back, and point it to him. He puts his hands up, and so does Alex, with a shocked expression on her face.

“Lena, what are you – “

“What the fuck are you doing here?” She screams. She’s aware that she might be causing a pretty big scene and surely a lot of heads must have turned in her direction, but she doesn’t really care. The memories of him are swirling in her head, and she can’t focus on anything else. “You work for the government? Does this mean that the massacre was the government’s fault?” He takes a step forward, his arms defensively placed in front of him, but she moves back. “Don’t… Don’t come any closer. Don’t give me another reason to shoot you!”

“Miss Luthor, calm down. There’s been a misunderstanding. I am not the individual responsible for your family’s death. I promise you.” He states calmly, like he doesn’t have a gun pointed to him. She sees Alex’s head, who was previously pointed to her, watching her wearily, whip around to face him, surprised, before turning to look at Lena once again, this time a softened curiosity on her expression. She ignores it.

“If you weren’t the one who murdered them, then how do you know about it? No one knows, it was covered up. Wich makes complete sense, considering someone working for the government did it!” She shouts. She’s now aware that the burning is stronger, and her eyes are hurting as well. She blinks forcibly, and manages to focus on thoughts of Kara just long enough to calm herself down as to not expose herself.

“That’s because it was someone from the government, but not me. My name is actually J’onn J’onzz. I’m an alien.” He changes forms then, turning into a tall, green individual. She realizes he’s a shapeshifter, and decides, while reluctantly to put the gun down and hand it to Alex.

“Thank you Miss Luthor. As to your question about how I know, it’s because besides being a shapeshifter, I’m also a mind reader.” At the widened eyes and panicked look she exibhits, he quickly adds, “Don’t worry, though. All your secrets are safe with me. And you’ll have all of our resources to find whoever did the… massacre… you have my word.”

She relaxes, but she’s not sure if she should believe him or not. Without thinking of any other way to know if he’s telling the truth. "How do I know what you're saying is true?" 

She watches as his lips form a small smile and his voice invades her mind, _I’m from Mars. I know what it’s like to watch powerless as the ones you love are taken away from you, and I’m also an alien in disguise, I will not expose you. You have my word._

Then memories she doesn't have are playing through her head. She realizes it's J'onn's memories as she sees countless people who look as him being hurt and encaged and murdered. Suddenly she feels  _crushed_ for him. 

“Thank you.” She says, softly. She understands the amount of trust he has deposited in her. 

“Lena, I – “ Alex tries to say. Lena had forgotten she was there, and listened to the whole conversation (at least the part that was actually spoken), but Lena interrupts her, knowing what she’ll say, but not feeling inclined to share all her childhood stories.

“I know, Alex.” She smiles, gently, almost silently begging her to understand. “But I don’t wanna talk about it. Please?”

Alex just smiles at her, and moves to envelop in a warm hug.

Lena isn’t really an affectionate person. Ever since her mother died and she moved in with the Luthors, she didn’t really share any form of loving human contact. She never though she was deprived of it, figuring that the affection would remind her of her mother and everything she lost,.

But right now, as Alex embraces her and she holds back, the memories of her mother don’t overwhelm her, and she actually enjoys the safety and familiarity of the act.

She tells them everything she knows about her mother and what she thinks she's capable of. After that, they hug goodbye. 

Their embrace is cut short though, by the voices yelling in the main room of the DEO.

She watches Alex and J’onn furrowing their brows as they turn their heads owards the noise, intent on listening more clearly to what's happening. Lena doesn’t have to do that though, as she recognizes easily Kara’s voice and, surprisingly Mike’s.

She follows Alex and J’onn towards the noise.

“Don’t talk like that about her! “ Kara says. She sounds absolutely angry and terrifying.

“Like what? Why are you defending her?!”

“Because you don’t know – “

They’re interrupted by J’onn’s voice, as he demands them to stop shouting and explaining what was happening.

As she follows closely and carefully behind Alex and J’onn, she watches as both both Kara and Mike’s head turn towards her. Kara looks surprised, and a little happy to see her. Mike just looks angry.

“Lena, what are you doing here?” Kara says, actually smiling at her, which relieves the CEO a bit.

Whatever Lena was going to respond is interrupted by Mike’s infuriated shout.

 

“YOU! What the hell are you doing here? Isn’t trying to steal Kara enough from me, you’re coming for my job as well?”

She’s so surprised by his outburst she doesn’t even process his words, nor his angry steps towards her, as he takes her by the elbow and leads her into the closest room (turns out it’s an equipment closet) or the people shouting his name in warning. But as soon as all those enter her conscious mind - and the door is closed - , she’s crushed by a sudden rage.

“Don’t kid yourself, Mike. Not everything is about you, you know? I didn’t even know you worked here. Besides, Kara isn’t your property for me to try to steal her. ” Her voice sounds cool right now, and she hopes her posture emits power and not all the anger inside of her. She doesn’t know how she isn’t in her hybrid form right now. She supposes it’s because Kara is in the other room, and she’s also the subject of the conversation, and the thought of her always calms her somehow.

“But she is my girlfriend. And like I told you before, even though she knows you love her, she chose me! Completely ignored your pathetic feelings and came running to me.”

She can’t deny the pain that his words cause her. Knowing that Kara knows what her feeling for her are and didn’t reciprocate them hurts. But she ignores it, turns her features neutral for her own sake.

“You better not take her for granted then. Like you said last time, I don’t deserve her; well, neither do you. You better show her she made the right choice every single day. You’re wasting your time with me. I respect her, and I know she doesn’t… like me. You should respect her as well and stop focusing on me instead of her.” She says. It comes out more like a hiss, with her gritted teeth and attempt to keep her voice down.

She doesn’t wait for his comeback before she walks out.

Then Kara is right there, in front of her, and she flushes, upon remember all the implicating statements she just made.

She starts to panic, if her heart was beating fast during her tirade in Kara’s honor, right now it’s absolutely wild. Kara must hear it because she takes a step towards her, but Mike moves in front of her, halting her movements.

She starts feeling her eyes, teeth, fingers and every other burning sensation that warns her of her eccentric turning appearance, and honestly she just wants a fucking break.

This really is a curse.

She feels a hand in her shoulder, looks up to J’onn looking concerned at her, but also with some amount of empathy in their eyes.

Taking one last deep breath, and putting her hand on top of his, while her eyes found Alex’s, she manages to calm down. She doesn’t turn to Kara, not wanting to know if she will find guilt in her eyes, or pity, or maybe anger.

To Alex, she says: “I’d like to go home now. It’s been an emotional tiring day, and I have a press conference in the afternoon. I’d like to calm down a bit before it.”

“I’ll take you.” Kara’s voice invades her body without her permission, warming her. But she can’t accept. After everything she said, she knows being in her arms, being held so closely to her while they fly will overwhelm her. She doubts she’ll be able to take it.

“Thank you Supergirl. But I wouldn’t feel good about using the girl of steel for a lift.” She tries to keep some cool in her voice.

She turns to J’onn, hoping he’ll hear her thoughts and help her out. _God please help me._

He almost laughs at her, there’s definitely a micro smile turning his lips.

“I’ll drive you.” Alex says, after some mute conversation with Kara, and she smiles a bit in response.

She nods to both J’onn and Alex in both thanks and goodbye, sends a glare Mike’s way and leaves.

-

Alex quickly drops her at home, and after goodbye hugs and promised future encounters she makes her way upstairs.

She showers and dresses. She’s calm, but not nearly enough to put on a dress that she knows will feel suffocating for her skin.

She decides to wear a suit then.

The tightness of her ponytails and buns is also unbearable to her today, so she decides to wear it down, using hair spray to slick it back. Her make up is almost inexistent, letting her eye color shine on her own, naturally.

Her driver takes her to the place the conference is taking place in. She revises her speech in the car, but thankfully her workaholic tendencies and the need of distractions made her be prepared for it much sooner than necessary.

She arrives at the scene and sees that everyone is ready for her. She stands at the podium, gripping it tightly.

She’s always been shy. Probably because of the lack of human contact she had during her life. First when she was younger when she didn’t understand how different she was, then because she was scared of hurting someone, then because of the shame she felt after actually losing control, before she was locked up.

Of course, after these two years of being CEO, everyone would rapidly assume she was a confident, extroverted woman. Years of practice helped her perfect the act, and she’s now thankful for it. In this world ruled by xenophobic people, power hides her weaknesses, and there are a lot to hide.

She spots Kara, amongst the people in the press, and finds the reporter looking at her, concerned. The meeting of their gazes relaxes her, and she launches her speech easily, with a false confidence that she hopes no one reports on.

Halfway through, an overwhelming smell of explosives approaches her. She stops talking midsentence, and hurriedly looks for it’s source. She sees the confusion on people’s faces for her sudden silence, and hears their murmurs, but pays them any mind.

She focuses and tries to localize the odor’s source, after telling her head of security to evacuate all the people there and form a line to prevent anyone coming close. She gets down of the stage and moves around the zone, hoping to find the bomb.

She hears the sound of a cape and boots hitting the ground, and quickly turns to Supergirl.

“Supergirl, there’s a bomb somewhere around here. You have to find it.”

“What?” She sees the hero narrow her eyes and look around, no doubt using her x-ray vision to locate the bomb. Her eyes widen in direction of the stage, and Lena quickly moves there. Supergirl grabs her wrist and stops her abruptly. “What are you doing? Don’t go anywhere close.”

She turns around, and touches her ear, probably contacting the DEO. Lena takes the opportunity, now that she’s turned her back on her and isn’t watching, to dispose her heels and run (more like superspeed) towards the stage. Now that there aren’t any people there and any other noise besides Supergirl’s, she can hear a timer. She quickly crawls under the stage, and sees the bomb.

She studies it for some time, watches the timer count down from 10 minutes while she listens to Supergirl give the DEO her location, debrief the situation and request assistance.

She spends maybe 5 minutes trying to understand every piece in it and how to dismantle it. She’s so focused she doesn’t notice the hero call her or crawl under the stage and stop next to her. She does notice Supergirl move her arms as if to lift the device, and she quickly stops it.

“Don’t do that! If you move it, it will immediately blow. You won’t even have time to move 10 meters, even with your superspeed”.

She studies for some more time, and turns to Supergirl suddenly.

“I’m going to disable it. I need you to make sure no one is around in at least a half mile radius.”

“What? No, Lena, I’m not going let you risk your life. The DEO is arriving soon.”

“Supergirl, we only have two minutes, and we’re in the opposite side of the city from the DEO. There’s no time. Please, make sure everyone is safe. Trust me.”

She can see the sadness and hesitance in the hero’s eyes, and it reminds her of Kara so much she feels longing hit her chest, fear of never seeing her friend again, if she’s unsuccessful.

“Lena… I…” There are tears in her eyes now. Lena moves her hand to caress the hero’s hand, both reassuringly, and as some kind of goodbye in case things don’t turn out okay. Although she really hopes is the former.

Supergirl looks between her eyes, searching for something. Maybe some sort of assurance, she assumes.

Then she nods to herself, and hugs Lena tightly, and Lena squeezes back with all the strength she has, not even caring if it’s suspicious. Then, after separating from each other and staring, as Lena tries to (and succeeds) to memorize every detail of Kara’s face, the hero moves away from under the stage, leaving Lena to her devices. Literally.

She waits a few seconds, giving Kara time to make sure everyone is in a safe space if the explosion goes off. When the timer shows only 15 seconds remain, she closes her eyes and breaths in deeply.

She sends a very quick prayer for every single God there is, to ask for help and success. Then, carefully, she moves her fingers towards what she assumes is the right wire to deactivation, and with a brust of speed and confidence, wanting to get it over with as fast as possible (it being death), she pushes the wire and successfully disconnects it from the rest of the bomb.

She closes her eyes tightly, and on instinct puts her body on top of the device, because despite knowing by the amount of explosives it will probably be no use, she feels the need and the instinct to protect as much people as she can.

She stays that way for an uncertain amount of time, hands on the back of her head and eyes closed with insane amount of force, and eyebrows drawn together in the same way.

That’s how Supergirl, Alex and J’onn find her. Smelling their individual scents and hearing them approach, she slowly opens her eyes, and moves them towards her friends, scared that she was actually dead and the sounds and odors weren’t real. The amount of relief she feels as she looks at the now turned off device and her friends’ faces is so crushing that she lets out a sound between a sob, and a chuckle in a single breath.

They approach her and the three of them embrace her at the same time as she cries silent, relieved tears. She feels safe, with their arms tightly around her, whispering thank you and everything is fine now.

Eventually, they have to move away from their hideout to debrief the police (another problem she’ll have to face while explaining how she knew about the bomb).

She’s the last one to crawl out from under the stage, and the first things she sees is the embrace Kara was tightly pulled into by Mike, and all his love confessions whispered to her hair while she holds him back. She turns her gaze elsewhere, focusing on Maggie, and moves towards her with steel on her gaze, intent on not showing any weakness, and starts telling her fabricated side of the story.

She tries not to feel offended, that Kara still thinks she's so easy to fool she's not even concerned to exchange such intimate affection in her _uniform_ in front of Lena. It still bruises her ego a little bit. 

She tells her that she’s been receiving anonymous threats so she decided to install a device she created by herself that has the capacity of finding explosive devices by the unstable radiation they release (which is a device she did create). She was alerted of the bomb’s existence, told her security team to make sure everyone evacuated the site, asked Supergirl’s help to locate it and then disabled it.

As soon as she is finished giving the recount of the events to Maggie and then catching up with the woman, she turns around. Her hurry doesn’t seem to faze Maggie, the woman simply looks at her with a understanding smile and promises to meet her later. She turns around, intent to walk away and she finds Kara, in Supergirl regalia, still clutched to Mike’s arms, not sparing a glance at her. The pain she feels has nothing to do with the traumatic and stress inducing experience she just witnessed.

She doesn’t talk to anyone else. Simply turns away and starts walking, heels held in her hand, towards her office.

She misses Kara trying to go after her with a concerned look, but being stopped by Mike’s arms and loving words, once again.

 


	8. Chapter 8

She’s sitting in her couch, at her office. It’s well past midnight, but she doesn’t even try to convince herself to go home. She knows that if she does go home she’ll just be doing the same she’s doing here: staring unabashedly at the white wall in front of her, lost in thoughts. But at least here, at the office, she has the pretense of work to distract herself when her mind overwhelms her.

After everything that happened tonight, all the danger and heartbreak, her adrenaline levels haven’t come down, neither has her tendency to drown in her presumptuous but usually correct ideas of the world and everyone around her.

She starts thinking about Kara (no surprise there). The way Kara looked at her right before she hugged Lena and left the stage. Lena can swear that for a second, there was longing in her eyes, something soft in them, almost love. But she knows that’s not possible; love, for Kara, must be being held and assured of how much she’s loved and needed, like Mike did.

And maybe Lena loves Kara too. Maybe, after all the warmth and affection Kara has provided Lena over the moths they have been friends, Lena has developed some kind of dependency on the other girl. She’s the one that Lena thinks as she desperately tries to calm down; she’s the one that reminds Lena of her meals and the importance of them; she’s the one who has done nothing but make her feel accepted; she’s the one who Lena loves; she’s the one who Lena wants to hold when Kara needs her to tell her how much she’s loved.

But at the same time, Lena doesn’t want her. Doesn’t want her adoptive family to hurt her; doesn’t want herself to hurt Kara.

But she knows, all she does is cause pain.

It’s appropriate, she thinks, because it seems there is so much pain inside her as well.

She feels lonely. Her secret drives everyone away, leaving her depending only on herself. And with Lillian starting this hunt for her, her guilt weights her down even more.

She wants to tell Kara, tell Alex, Maggie even. But she can’t. Because she’s selfish.

She’s selfish and she doesn’t want to lose them. Doesn’t want Lionel’s name to be dragged even more. Doesn’t want to be even more alone.

But she wants people to be safe. Wants to be relieved of all the pressure she has to succeed, at the cost of people’s lives.

God, I’m a wreck.

All these thoughts make her dizzy, make her loose her balance as she stands up and moves to her bar to get a glass of scotch. It’s probably the guilt that fills up her brain and presses into her inner ears, damaging her equilibrium.

She stumbles her way to the balcony. The cool breeze pushes her thoughts away, but she knows it only moves them to the back of her mind, and they’ll come back to hunt her later.

She grips her glass with one hand and the railing with the other as soon as she hears a pair of boots landing behind her, accompanied with the smell of sunshine, lavender and rain.

“Quite late for a visit, isn’t it, Supergirl?”

“I suppose it is, Miss Luthor. Though I’m not surprised you’re still at the office.” Lena doesn’t turn to face her, but she manages to hear the softness of her voice, and it makes her heart clench furiously.

“Yes, well, no rest for the wicked.”

“After everything that happened today, I’m inclined to say that you are definitely not wicked, Lena.”

She’s so used to hearing Kara saying her name, but as Supergirl says it, she feels her heart flip.

“That means a lot, coming from National City’s hero herself.” She says. She tries to make it sound light and teasing, but unfortunately her exhaustion doesn’t allow her to.

“Are you okay, Lena?” She sounds so much more like Kara Danvers than Supergirl right now, with her voice soft and concerned. It makes Lena force down a shudder and take a gulp of her drink.

She realizes her mistake a second to late.

“Yes, I’m fi – “

Her sentence is interrupted by her own coughing. She feels the liquid quite literally burn her esophagus on the way down, burning out her flesh on the way to her stomach. Painfully. She bends over and clutches her stomach, while simultaneously tries to make her way to her private bathroom. Her jaw is clenched tight, and she continuously hisses to herself.

“Lena, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

She doesn’t answer, she can’t answer her. She moves to the toilet and vomits everything she has in her gut (which is technically only gastric juice and scotch). She feels Kara come to crouch next to her, holding her hair up and rubbing circles of her back, while she goes through repetitive gagging motions. And really, if she didn’t feel like she was being exorcised to remove a demon from inside her, she would definitely fall harder right then.

After a few minutes of crouching in front of the toilet and occasionally leaning into Kara’s body heat, she startles the other woman when she suddenly gets up and makes her way to her bar.

There doesn't need to be a note for her to know who did it. 

She feels infuriated, and if it wasn’t for Kara’s hesitant but reassuring presence she would have become a violent mess. She’s sure of it.

 Kara’s presence is simply enough to calm something that to this day has remained wild and untamed.

She starts opening every bottle, frantically, smelling one by one. She knows she must seem absolutely crazy to Kara right now, but she doesn’t even spare a second thought to it as she recognizes the aconitum smell in every single bottle.

“She spiked them.” She murmurs, quietly, forgetting about the powerful being with superhearing in the same room as her.

“Who did?” Supergirl asks, concern in every edge of her body as she too opens the bottles to examine them.

“Lillian. My mother. She tried to poison me.”

She starts pacing her office, focusing on the note and what else Lillian might do. She doesn’t even notice her own hand coming up to fist her hair tightly and the other resting on her mouth as she bites her thumb until Kara is pushing both of them away, and leading Lena to her arms.

Which Lena quickly falls into; How could she not?; falls into the heat of Kara’s body; falls into the sensation of safeness she has as she’s held against Kara’s chest; falls into the love she feels for her; falls into the love Kara sends her through waves.

Except that it isn’t love, she thinks, that’s what she sends _Mike._

She leans away after that particular thought, and ignores the disappointment that she thinks momentarily passes Kara’s eyes.

“You should head home. Maybe you’ll be safe there from her.” Kara says, gently and quietly, as if not trying to scare Lena even more.

Lena scoffs at that internally, but on the outside she’s still looking softly at Kara, as she sees the concern her friend has for her.

“Yeah, although she has been there too. But I should go and try to sleep at least.”

“Wait she has been to your house? Well, is there any place you can stay to make sure you’ll be safe?”

“No, there isn’t. But it’s fine. I’ll just make sure I stay away from any alcohol tonight. Though it’s certainly going to be hard.” She says, trying to use some kind of humor to enlighten the situation. It fails incredibly, if the stern look from Supergirl is any clue.

“You can always stay with Kara.” Supergirl suggests, with a blush in her cheeks that Lena pretends not to see for the sake of the superhero’s reputation.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Lena answers, scratching the back of her neck.

“Why not?” The hero asks, and she sounds actually curious, if not a bit hurt as well.

 _Because I’m trying and failing to keep my distance from you. Because I don’t want to bring you any pain. Because I admited my feelings and it might be awkward_.

“Well… You see… I just don’t think I’ll be unsafe at my house. And I don’t want to bother anyone. And her boyfriend might be there as well.” Yep, awkward.

“Nonsense, Lena. I’m sure Kara will be glad to keep you company. And besides, I – um – I talked to her, right before coming here, and she’s alone!”

“I think I’m just going to my own house Supergirl. Thank you for your concern.”

It’s actually amusing to see the hero stumbling her way through a explanation, Kara Danvers style. But her amusement dies as she doesn’t seem to be giving up anytime soon.

“Lena, I’m sure both me and Kara would feel much better if you didn’t stay alone. Please?” She asks, with big hopeful eyes and a small pout. _How can I say no now?_

“Well, if you’re certain.”

They flush all of Lena’s drinks down the toilet, except one that Kara insists on taking to the DEO despite Lena’s insistence not to. But it’s not like she can say _Oh it just has wolfsbane in there and if you analyze it you’ll be confused as to why it burned my insides and I’ll have to either lie or tell you my secret_.

Then they move to the balcony, where Supergirl sweeps Lena of her feet in one smooth movement and flies slowly, without care of who could see a Luther in a Super’s arms at night, in the city’s skies.

And Lena, despite her immense fear of heights, enjoys the view very much. Not only does Kara look breathtaking with the city’s eyes reflected on her skin and eyes, with her hair thrown back by the wind, but the city itself beneath them looks infinitely amazing.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Supergirl asks. Lena’s only answer is a nod and holding her more tightly, enjoying their proximity and Kara’s heat.

-

She waits a few seconds on the hallway that leads to Kara’s door, knowing that the superhero might need some time to dress and prepare her house to welcome Lena. She’s thoughtful like that.

So she waits, and listens to the noise Kara makes. After barely five seconds the only thing she hears is a deep breath being taken, so Lena moves to knock on the door before Kara decides to use her X-Ray vision and see the Luthor standing still outside.

The door is immediately opened and as fast as it does Lena is being held by Kara’s strong arms, barely managing to move, even if she wanted to.

“Lena, I missed you so much.” Kara says, smiling brightly, as if she hadn’t seen Lena thirty seconds ago. Lena’s heart still flips, even if she knows it’s a lie.

“I missed you too, Kara.” It’s really soft, almost like a confession of relief after finally seeing her.

“Supergirl told me what happened. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Honestly I just want to sleep.”

That’s a lie. She knows she won’t be able to sleep. But the look that Kara’s sending her way and the warmth that comes with it is too much for her to handle, especially after the bomb and the poison. (Or witnessing, first hand, her displays of affection with Mike).

“Oh, okay. Well I’m just going to get you something to sleep on, then.” She leaves the room with a bright smile, and Lena melts with the sight of it, or perhaps with how warm it makes her feel.

She gets back with some grey sleep shorts and a t-shirt, bringing a toothbrush for Lena as well, before ushering her to the bathroom to change and get ready for bed.

When Lena comes back from the bathroom, she finds Kara adjusting her couch cushions and some blankets and pillows, before laying down on the couch.

“What are you doing? You’re not sleeping on the couch, I am.” Lena is quick to protest.

“I don’t mind Lena, really. Besides, you must really need a nice night of sleep.”

“Well, I can sleep nicely on the couch as well. Please Kara, I don’t feel good with coming to your house unannounced and then stealing your bed.” She says, steel in her voice but her eyes remain soft, as they always are when she gazes at Kara.

“And I don’t feel comfortable making you sleep on a small couch after everything that happened today.” Kara answers with the same steel in her voice and softness in her eyes.

“Please?” And she’s pouting now. Lena Luthor is pouting. Not that she will ever admit that.

Upon seeing the look on Lena’s face, it’s difficult to miss the hesitancy that flashes in Kara’s eyes. Lena is already feeling cocky, internally (because there’s still a pout in her face), thinking she won the discussion. Unfortunately, Kara’s next words completely halt her celebration.

“Well, we can always share?” She says. And Lena thinks that this must be the reason hesitation was in Kara’s face.

“I – I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” Kara asks, and she’s genuinely confused, as she furrows her brows and tilts her head to the side. Lena just falters, shock evident in her features, but also silently saying _Really, Kara? You have to ask_? “I mean, we’ve slept together on the couch. It’s the same thing.”

Lena knows that it is definetly not the same thing. She doesn't think she'll be able to overcome the awkwardness she still feels lingering in the air. Knows she won't be able to sleep with Kara's warmth so close but still so far away. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s no big deal.”

“Okay.” _You are a fucking masochist Lena_.

They both move to the bed and under the covers. Lena lies on her back and stares at the ceiling, trying to ignore the body next to hers.

“I heard about what happened at the DEO, with Mike.”

Lena turns to look at her then, eyes wide and panicked, heart beat fast and loud echoing in the otherwise silent room.

“I – I didn’t mean to talk about you like that. While reprehending him. I know he’s your boyfriend and you love him. I was out of place, I’m sorry.” She’s embarrassed. She wasn’t expecting Kara to bring it up, honestly. And as she thinks back to his words, she feels slightly defeated now, as she’s laying in the dark.

Kara doesn’t respond at first, and Lena turns her head, avoiding her gaze, expecting Kara to give her silence as a way of showing her displeasure.

“Did you mean it?” Comes the quiet whisper. Lena isn’t sure she’d hear without her fantastic senses.

She turns to her once more, catches Kara’s gaze as she tries to decide if should tell her the truth and finally try to move on (even if she knows she probably can’t) or lie, deny it all.

“Yes. Yes, I did.” She says, gazing intently into her best friend’s eyes. “Every word.” At Kara’s guilty look, she stumbles to add “But – I – I’m happy for you, because you’re happy with him. You’re my best friend.”

Kara just opens and closes her mouth for a while. Kara’s mouth finally closes and she puts her hand in her cheek, in what Lena supposes is thankfulness for defending her, sending heat waves through Lena’s whole body that immediately make her sleepy and more tired than she was so far.

“Let’s just go to sleep. Please?” Kara continues to look at her intently in the eyes and rubbing her thumb on Lena’s cheekbone, an unknown look in her eyes blinding Lena, but after a few seconds she removes it, and Lena exhales slowly through her nose, not sure if she’s missing the contact or relieved for the lack of it. _It’s the former, don’t kid yourself._

She moves to her side then, turning her back on Kara, and closes her eyes.

They both stay there, silently, for various minutes. Lena would believe Kara was already sleeping if she wasn’t able to hear her strong heartbeat and normal breaths.

She feels the bed dip and a careful arm encircling her waist, hesitant. “Can I..?” Kara asks, and she doesn’t really have to ask the rest of the question for Lena to understand what she wants. “Yes.” Comes her breathy answer.

She feels the arm grab her waist more firmly and enveloping her, as well as the weight that settles on her back. It’s comfortable. The feel of Kara curled around her, her gentle grip on her waist, her smell, the warmth that her body sends Lena’s.

It’s the best she’s slept in weeks.

-

She wakes up, after a comfortable and dreamless sleep, and the first think she notices is warmth. There’s a weight on her side and soft hair tickles her neck. She sighs contentedly. The memories of the night before (rather this morning) come to her, and she can’t help as she instinctively hugs Kara more tightly.

“’Morning, sleepyhead.” Comes the soft quiet voice from above her.

She groans, wishing sleep would steal her from reality once more.

“time’s it?” She answers, voice rough from sleep. She sleepily covers her eyes with her arm, protecting them from the sun rays coming through the window, and buries her head more deeply into her pillow.

There’s a chuckle, and then “It’s 11am.” Kara says, and her voice sounds amused.

Lena opens her eyes at that, not expecting it to be so late and needing to go to the office. As her vision focuses, her cheeks turn into a faint pink as she notices Kara hovering over her body, soft sleepy eyes looking down at her.

She seems relaxed and amused, probably because of Lena’s reaction, and it only makes the CEO blush darker.

“Did you sleep well?” Kara asks as she plays with Lena’s hair, her features still relaxed.

All this domesticity does not go unnoticed by Lena, if anything it simply allows the warmth the CEO already felt to kick into a maximum but still calming heat, and Lena knows that the way her stomach boils lightly and pleasantly has something to do with it.

“Yes, I really did. I really needed it.” She says, with a sigh. “Did you?”

“Yes, I did.” She says, and she’s still looking at Lena, but with the same glint in her eyes as she had last night, but now with a small smile to match with it, but Lena still can’t identify what it is.

They gaze at each other for a few seconds, though to Lena it feels like forever. Until Kara’s stomach grumbles loudly, and Lena laughs at her; Kara’s cheeks are now brighter than Lena’s were.

“Come on, let’s get you fed.”

-

Their breakfast passes with light conversation and intense gaze holding.

After that, Lena quickly dresses back into her former clothes, brushes her teeth and makes her way to her house, to shower and get ready to go back to the office.

-

She decides to take her time, since she already lost all her morning and after the successful business deal she closed recently (the one announced on the conference), she decides to stay a bit longer home, trying to find Lillian’s whereabouts.

(And really, it has nothing to do with the fact that she wants to enjoy the way her body is warm and tingly from all interactions with Kara today, knowing that when she steps in the office all her responsibilities and frustration will take it’s place.)

It’s 4pm when she goes to L-Corp.

As she’s getting out of the elevator that leads her to her office, Lena finds Jess, sitting on her desk with her leg bouncing wildly up and down underneath it. Her secretary turns to her as the elevator makes a noise to announce it’s doors opening, and the CEO was not expecting the look on her eyes.

“Miss Luthor! I tried calling you but you weren’t answering!”

“I’m sorry, Jess. I turned off my phone after it was discharged and forgot to turn it on. Why? What’s going on?” Lena’s calm mood from the morning is slowly disspating as she sees her secretarie’s distress.

“It’s you mother, Miss Luthor, she was here. She wanted to speak to you but when she saw you weren’t here she asked me to deliver a message.”

At this point, Jess is looking intently at her, with a full on panicked look.

“And..? What is it, Jess?”

“She asked me to tell you that if you wanted to save your friend, you should go meet her at the Luthor mansion here in National City. She says it’s time for the truth.”

 


	9. Chapter 9

She moves at ultraspeed towards the DEO headquarters, not even caring if everyone sees her or if she accidently outs herself to the city. The only thing her mind can focus right now is Kara at her mother’s mercy, and whatever she might be doing to her friend.

She’d be liying if she said her heart is beating wildly in fear only because of Kara’s distress. Sure, that’s the main reason she can focus, but some small part of her, perhaps her wolf, keeps sending her warning about the clear intent of her mother – show everyone exactly what Lena’s hiding.

But Lena can’t handle all the responsibility to save Kara’s life. She needs help. And she supposes she’s also tired of hiding.

She moves through alleys and skips from the top of one building to another, making sure to take the fastest route there is to the organization Kara, Alex, J’onn and Winn work on.

She manages to get there in nearly 9 minutes, and quickly moves up towards their floor, frantically searching every agent’s face who are now looking at her, with a mixture of shock and apprehension, trying to find either of her friends.

She manages to find J’onn first, as he comes rushing towards her, no doubt being alerted of her presence by one of the many agents who are now staring at her.

He strides towards her and puts both of his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to stop her frantic movements altogether and calm herself down.

She’s breathing fast, almost hyperventilating, but she’s not sure if it’s because of her panic or because of running as fast as she could from the opposite part of the town. Probably both.

“J’onn. She took her. They’re at the mansion. She took her.” She says, still breathing fast and with her heart drowning every sound in the room where it’s beating loudly in her own ears.

“What are you talking about, Lena? Who took who?” He asks, calm and trying to assess the situation.

Meanwhile, Lena can’t breathe. Her panic overwhelms every of her senses and now that she is finally standing at the DEO she can feel it overcome her. She feels the burn of turning into her hybrid form, with her insides stretching and becoming wider and boiling and all of it overwhelms her for a second and she can’t breathe, she can’t stop it.

J’onn senses it, and quickly pushes her face to hide in his chest. Manuvering her until she’s out of sight from every pair of eyes in the room. She takes notice of his perfume, spreading around her from his neck with every beat of his strong heart against her face. She focuses on it, and after a while, she’s able to calm down enough to explain the situation.

“Lillian. She took Ka – Supergirl. She wants me. She’s at National City’s Luthor mansion. We have to go.” She says, looking pleadingly into his eyes.

“You should stay here. I’ll assemble a team. Someone get Agent Danvers to come here, right now!” He screams the two last sentences to everyone in the room, and various agents leave to scramble behind Alex’s whereabouts, or collect gear to move.

“No, J’onn, you don’t understand; she wants to expose me; wants to show everyone my secret. I have to go or God knows what she’ll do to her.” She says, with panic lacing her every words.

The director stops to look at her. She’s not sure if she’s trying to make his decision or reading her mind, but either way she lets him, with only a pleading look on her features, hoping he’ll understand. Finally he nods. Alex appears somewhere behind him, she can smell her.

“Okay. Let’s go.” He says then, as soon as Alex appears beside him, worried look on her face.

“Wait!” She says, and grabs his arm before he moves away. “Do you still have the bottle Supergirl brought here? The one from my office?” She waits for his nod, and explains it as soon as she receives it. “I need you to use it on me. With a syringe or any other way you can find to put it on my system.”

Once again, he sees him look at her pensively, and this time she’s certain he is reading her mind, so she explains it to him, bit by bit mentally.

“Why?” Alex asks, suddenly, scaring Lena slightly, who had forgotten her presence.

“I’m sorry, Alex. You’ll understand soon.” She says, with a forlorn look on her face, trying to find an expression that will show her gratitude, reassurance and apology at the same time. She’s sure she didn’t manage. She turns to J’onn once again. “And I need you to lock me in a holding cell.”

“What? What are you talking about, Lena?” Alex asks, petrified.

Lena ignores her, and simply continues to look at J’onn pleadingly, hoping he’ll understand.

“Okay.” He says, finally.

“What? No! What’s going on? J’onn? Lena?” Alex asks, impatient, alterning her gaze between the two of them, who are ignoring her and having a mental conversation. She can see the anger in Alex’s body language as she’s being ignored, but she remains quiet, figuring evertything will be explained later, like Lena said it will.

“You need to promise me, J’onn! And don’t let anyone come see me!” She requests, tears in her eyes, already thinking that no one probably will, after the truth is out. “And try to find some way to turn aconitum into an aero disperser inside the cell, it will help me return to myself faster.”

“Okay, Lena, I promise. You have my word.” He says, face serious.

Alex is still wearing the same shocked expression, and Lena genuinely feels the need to apologize to her, for everything that’s happened and hasn’t yet. But she can’t, because the tactical team starts heading out, and she runs to follow them.

She just hopes everyone ends up safe.

* * *

 

_Lena still remembers the week before, when her mother gave her the necklace. Remembers the look on her face, the heat of her body as she embraced Lena, the way she held Lena the more tighly than she ever had, with the presence of the worlfsbane between them._

_With the necklace on, she almost feels human once more, if it wasn’t for the ache in her head that makes everything a little fuzzy._

_She’s in the backyard, simply looking at the night sky and enjoying all it’s star-printed details and the moon itself; all the colors, shapes and sizes; the light that they shine that reflects on every surface around her, and probably on her own body as well._

_She decides to take it off. She’s been wearing it all day, after begging her mother to allow her to play outside with other children as well._

_But it has been very long since it’s hanging in her neck, and the fuzziness in her head is becoming suffocating for the young child,so she takes it off._

_As soon as she places it in it’s box (that she always keeps with her in her pocket) and closes it, the difference becomes immediate._

_Not only on a physical level. Sure, her body feels like its floating under the attention of the moon’s light, and raw power pulses through her with a little more intensity._

_But that’s not what truly impresses her._

_What strikes her, is the intensity of all the feelings that start rushing her chest as she looks up into infinity. There’s admiration, love, curiosity, adoration and a whole lot of other feelings that envelop her lightly and lull her into relaxation._

_She can’t really explain what she’s feeling. But the pleasant sensation that she feels make her feel butterflies in her belly._

_“Wow…” She breathes._

_“Wow indeed, darling.”_

_She hadn’t noticed her mother’s presence until now, but there’s no denying the rush of love that joins all her other emotions as she looks at her._

_“Everything is so much more intense, without the necklace, isn’t it?” Her mother asks her, a loving look on her face as she too lies on the grass and looks at the sky._

_“Yes. It feels good.” Lena answers earnestly._

_“It does. But only because you’re feeling positive emotions. Once the darkness overcomes you, it takes a lot to not give into it.” Her mother says, and the love in her eyes doesn’t disappear, but is now keeping company to the concern in her gaze._

_“What if it does overcome me? What will happen then?” She asks, hesitantly. She’s not really afraid. Can never be, while both watching the moon lit sky and her mother’s beautiful face._

_“Don’t you worry about it, my darling. I will help you, when the time comes.” She says, and turns to her now, her loving gaze even more explicit as she comes closer and kisses the crown of Lena’s head._

_They both turn to watch the sky then, shoulders touching and hands clasped together between them._

* * *

 

All the DEO agents arrive at the Luthor mansion in record time, Lena thinks as she steps out of SUV she shared with J’onn and Alex. Maybe she only thinks they were incredibly fast because she spent the whole trip staring out the window, just thinking.

She was thinking of what will happen after today. All her friends will be there, or be watching somehow. And she knows that they won’t look at her the same way after whatever happens today, but what scares her is if they will even look at her, in any way.

She doesn’t have good experiences after showing herself to people. She scared Veronica and never heard of her again, Jack kicked her out of his life, Lillian made her feel ashamed, and Lex, well… that’s a future story to be revised.

So she’s not particularly confident in herself as she makes her way inside the so familiar house she lived in, after what Lex did in Metropolis and the harassment she felt.

She moves inside familiar hallways, people dressed in tactical gear and weapons dangling from their shoulders following her.

She looks inside every room she passes, but she already expects where her mother will be.

She’s proven right, when she opens the back door that leads to a gigantic backyard fenced by big green trees. She finds her mother standing in the middle, a wild smile spreading her cheeks as her eyes find Lena. On her side there’s Kara, on the ground with what Lena assumes are Kryptonite handcuffs in her wrists, powering her down. Concern fills her there, and she is about to follow Alex as the other woman runs towards Kara when her mother’s voice rings out.

“Lena! So nice of you to join us.” She says, sarcastically. “I’ve never been so happy to see you, dear.” It’s terrifying that her smile still hasn’t faltered once, even with all the people with their guns trained on her.

“Let her go, Lillian!” Lena growls, loud enough so that her mother can’t hear the fear and insecurity lacing her words.

“Oh, I will.” She says and pushes a button in a remote she has in her hands. As soon as it’s pressed down Kara’s handcuffs stop glowing that sickly green, and the paleness vanishes her cheeks. She immediately moves to catch Lillian, who stops her with her next words.

“Not so fast, Supergirl. You see, there are two bombs I placed on the Children’s hospital. Kryptonite bombs. So you can’t get close too them.” She says, the smile and steely eyes in place. “But, there is a remote that pushes the kryptonite down when you press a single button, just like in your handcuffs.” She takes the remote off her pocket, and shows it to everyone. “I will give you the remote, if you do what I ask.” The last sentence is directed at Lena, who shivers in fear under her mother’s gaze. “There’s a timer though, only 20 minutes left, Lena dear, better hurry.”

She hears J'onn order Vasquez to take a team to the hospital. She knows they won't be fast enough. 

“How do we know if you’re telling the truth?” Kara asks with anger and trepidation.

“There’s only one thing that I want right now, and it’s not to kill thousands of children. But I will if I have to, don’t be mistaken. It’s only up to Lena.”

Lena feels every set of eyes on her, but only glares at her mother. She knows that the fear and anger she feels for her will be enough to help her turn.

“What do you mean, up to Lena?” Kara asks, glaring at her mother but side-watching Lena’s movements as well.

“You’ll see, Supergirl.” Lillian’s eyes don’t move from Lena, focusing on the CEO’s every movement, waiting to see the results of her attack. “The clock is ticking, Lena. It’s your time to disappoint.”

Lena doesn’t dignify her mother with an answer. Instead she looks around, tears in her eyes not allowing her to focus on anything really. She wipes them as they fall.

She turns to J’onn, who gives her a smile in understanding and encouragement, she reminds him mentally to complete his promise, and he nods; she looks at Alex, who watches her every move carefully, not sure of what to expect. More tears fall from Lena’s eyes, mourning already for their friendship; she turns to James, still in his Guardian suit; she watches Mike, gazing at her curiously and ready to strike her; finally, she looks at Kara.

Kara is just looking at her; focusing really. Her eyebrows drawn, mouth hanging open. Her eyes are a little teary as well, and Lena knows it’s because of her being full-on crying now, and she found out soon enough in their friendship that Kara is a sympathetic crier. Despite all that, there’s expectation and trust in her face, and Lena tears up all the more with it, knowing that Kara will realize all that trust was misplaced after she watches Lena’s next action.

“I’m so sorry, Kara.” She mumbles. Kara’s eyes widen at that. Perhaps for the use of her real name. Lena doesn’t dwell on it.

After mourning everyone she will lose, she focuses completely on her adoptive mother. Focuses on her smile, the victory stamped on her face, her glinting eyes. It’s enough to have anger circulating inside her. Next she focuses on every memory of her she can find, knowing every single one of them will hurt and infuriate her. She closes her fists as the power that emotion can give overwhelms her.

She feels all the burning in her, leaving her panting in pain. She sees all her veins becoming more noticeably, straining against her pale but flushed skin, sees her nails growing and bones deforming her skin from the inside. Her eyes are shining the same vibrant and blinding green, hurting her, forcing her to close them tightly. She can hear everything now, every gasp and murmur and whisper going around her. She opens her eyes, but focuses only on Lillian, standing tall in front of her. She takes a step forward, and sees as her mother falters a bit, before standing tall once again.

“Is this what you wanted?” Lena asks. She’s panting with pain and the feeling of power that illuminates her being, but her voice still sounds loud, although slitghly rough from all the effort it takes to speak.

“No. I don’t want to see you in your hybrid form. I want to see you fully turned for the very first time.” She says. Lena can hear her heart beat, recognizes it’s rhythm as one of fear, but her victorious smile is still on her face. It only pushes Lena on.

“Why? Why do you want to expose me so much?” Lena asks, angry but genuinely curious. She expects it’s because of Lex, but Lillian seems so focused on her revenge, it makes Lena wonder.

“Because you took both Lionel and Lex away from me, my family!” She says, and all composure she had disappears for a quick second, before returning in the same measure.

“I didn’t take Lionel away from you! And Lex’s imprisonment is his own fault, he made a lot of mistakes!” Lena says. She’s still in her hybrid form, and this shouting scene she has with Lillian is becoming harder and harder to maintain between the harsh breaths she takes, speaking with her sharp teeth perforating her mouth, and the pain she feels.

“And Lionel didn’t?” She scoffs, bewildered. Lena is confused.

“Father always tried to help me!” She screams, angry that Lillian would blaspheme her own dead husband.

Lena has always been incredibly grateful to Lionel. He was gentle with her, even if he wasn’t affectionate or kind. But still, unlike Lillian, he never tried to hurt Lena, neither physically nor emotionally. And he was a smart man, the young raven-haired always looked up to him.

“Help you?!” Lillian asks, a incredulous chuckle leaving her lips. Then she just looks at Lena, with the same shocked but amused expression. “Was he trying to help you when he followed you and your family for months? Or when he offered millions of dollars to your mother to buy you and be able to study you? Maybe he helped you when he paid that money to Henshaw to kill all your family in front of you!” Lena can’t behind to comprehend how she’s still smiling. “Perhaps it was when he only brought you home so that he could perform exams on you almost every day! Or when he tried to use your blood to replicate your… conditions… and sell the serum to the army? Perhaps it was when he locked you for months in the lab at home because he finally saw the monster you really are! Then he kept trying the serums on himself, until his system couldn’t take it and he had a seizure." She finishes with a drop-dead maleficent laugh, but Lena sees the hidden sadness in her voice. 

Everything is silent. There’s nothing around Lena as she processes everything Lillian just said. She’s looking at the ground, but she might as well have her eyes closed, because she’s not recognizing anything anymore.

It’s ironic, Lena thinks. The one person Lena thought was always there for her; looking into her best interests, turned out to be exploiting her, looking into his own interests.

She sees everything in a different light now. His sardonic smile on the day he adopted her. How he would snap at her if she complained about the blood he took from her. The cold look he gave her as he locked her up. How he wouldn’t look her in the eye as she called him father.

It’s too much, Lena thinks. All this information breaks her inside. She can’t focus on anything that isn’t her own heart beating wildly, or her gasping breaths. Lillian’s words repeat over and over in her head.

“You’re a monster, Lena. You took everyone away from me. I’m doing the same to you.” Lillian says.

Lena hears Lillian’s clear voice, but as she repeats it in her head over and over again, it sounds more like Alex’s, and then Maggie’s; J’onn’s; James’s; Winn’s; Kara’s.

It’s too much, she thinks. It’s too much pain.

She can’t handle the pain, both emotional and physical. Her thoughts are too loud, and her veins are too heavy. There’s energy just accumulating everywhere in her whole being, begging Lena to be released. Her head is wild, and mixed with her heart beat in her ears it makes her hiss.

She doesn’t have any strength right now, just wants it to stop. The pain; the power; the thoughts, everything.

She lets it go.

Whatever grip on herself she had left, she lets go. Takes a deep breath and relinquishes control.

She stumbles into four paws and pants, growling and roaring and screaming, in pain. There are cracks and stretching and harsh breathing and popping and whispers and gasps and –

It all stops. Everything quiets. 

Everything feels different. There isn't the uncomfortable weight of her clothes, or the sting of her heels. Everything she sees is different as well. Colors seem more vivid and vibrant. 

She feels lighter. 

There’s only silence. And Lillian standing there proud and collected. She feels her ears point to her, all her senses tuning on her adoptive mother. She smells her extensive perfume, her shampoo, her lotion, but most importantly her fear.

She moves to her then, and recognizes the fear in her face as well. Step by step, it becomes more evident. She starts roaring, her tunnel vision leading her straight to her vicious mother.

But even with the silence, she stops. She can’t hurt her. She feels like she shouldn’t, even if she distantly wants to. Even after everything she did to her. She doesn't want to  _prove her right._

She turns, slowly to Kara then. Reluctantly. She knows what she’ll find in her eyes.

As she looks at her, she sees Kara watching her, mouth hanging open, eyes wide and pulse fast. Probably in fear. Her instincts beg her to turn away. So she does.

She turns to J’onn now. Walks slowly towards him, ears almost pointed to the ground and tail almost between her legs. Sure, she feels defeated, but she won’t show it.

She stops, once she’s in front of him, and looks up into his eyes. There’s surprise in them, she will note later as she recalls the events, but no fear. She nods to him, as if accepting what he has to do, in order to accomplish the deal they made.

He puts his hand in between her ears, feeling her dark fur. She leans into it lightly, enjoying how everything feels like more in this state. Yes, she has turned once before, but it was different. She was blinded by anger then. Now she’s perfectly able to see.

She closes her eyes and waits. The next thing she feels is a pinch in her neck, something being injected. She opens them again, once again gazing into his, before she loses all strength on her limbs and falls to the ground.

The last thing she sees before the darkness embraces her is Kara running in her direction.

I _must be already dreaming._

 


	10. Chapter 10

She woke up some time ago. Judging by her own perception of time, perhaps it has passed 30 minutes since she opened her eyes.

When she first woke up on the unfamiliar bed and looked around whatever room she was, her first instinct was to bolt upright and look around her surroundings. Of course, as her brain gradually welcomed itself to complete consciousness and realized she was at the DEO, the events of the former day crashed into her chest as well as mind, knocking the wind out of her and sending tears crawling out her eyes.

She feels weak, she notes, after the emotional tsunami finally rushes past her, leaving her hurt but afloat (barely). There’s no strength in her. Her movements are slow and she has to really think about it before she manages to move. Her eyes are heavy and tired, though she’s not sure if it’s from tiredness, sleep or from crying. There’s also a strong throb in her head, surfacing with each of her own heartbeats, making her sluggish when altogether.

She tries to stand up and walk around the room, knowing she will be here for a while. She notices that in every corner there’s a vent, and she can’t even come close to it before collapsing on the ground. She stays there, just staring up at the ceiling while her brain reminds her over and over again of why she’s here in the first place.

Her mother’s smug smirk. The fear in her eyes. Kara and Alex’s shocked look; John’s compassion.

The tears start falling once more, but she doesn’t even have the strength to move her hands to catch them. They fall gradually to her DEO standard grey t-shirt, some rush down her temples towards the ground. She stares ahead with an empty look, lets her mind take her elsewhere.

* * *

 

_She’s been locked in the AcoLab for over a month now. It’s boring, she thinks, as she simply sits in the small couch her father moved there and reads the same books over and over again._

_She misses going out, in the sunlight. But what truly wrecks her with longing is the memory of the feeling of the moonlight. She thinks of her old bedroom and remembers how her bed was in front of the window. How she would stay up at night, remove her necklace to let herself really feel the light coming from the sky, the way it made shivers run through her spine while simultaneously making her warm, head tilted into the sky all night. Happy thoughts and memories of her mother playing behind her closed eyelids. Or observing the beautiful light the moon reflects to the world, enough to make everything clear but not allowing to see the details, just the edges._

_Lena always thought of herself like an object being illuminated by the moonlight, in the Luthor house. Everyone knows her physical points and faucets, but no one truly sees what’s inside her mind or heart. Except Lex._

_She thinks about him for the thousandth time since she’s been in the underground room, but this time it’s different. This time it is as if he was summoned._

_She hears the telltale sign of the code of the door being put, and glances at the door, frowning slightly, not expecting to see Lionel home so soon._

_Her furrowed eyebrows quickly shot all the way up into her hairline as she sees the person walking in. Her 17 year old brother._

_“Lex? What are you doing here? You can’t be here!” She exclaims, scared if either Lionel or Lillian find out._

_“Relax, Lena. I made sure mother and father won’t arrive anytime soon.” He says matter of factly. Then he softens. “I missed you.”_

_“I miss you too, Lex.” She says with the same soft look._

_“I brought you some new books and your favorite chess arrangement as well.”_

_The afternoon passes easily with his company. They talk and Lex tells her everything she’s been missing on, from gossip to new science discoveries, which leads to some opinion exchange between them. Then they read silently, enjoying each others physical presence. They play chess and watch TV._

_The five year gap doesn’t affect their friendship at all. They’re still both incredibly smart kids enjoying their limited time together. Lena loves it._

_He sneaks out when he thinks it’s wise to go back, parting their ways with warm hugs and promises to come back the next day._

_This becomes their routine for months. Every day he comes to see her and do everything and nothing at all, gladly._

_That is until he starts becoming distant. Until he starts observing her silently and with a dangerous glint in his eye. Until he stops coming alone and chooses to come with Lionel instead. Until Lionel dies and he doesn’t come at all. Until Lena runs away_.

* * *

 

Lena still remembers how she felt after her first transformation. How she felt powerful and invincible. _It’s funny,_ she thinks dryly, I _feel pretty destroyed now._ Partly because of the wolsbane she's inhaling and because she knows she fucked up,  _big time._

And she’s familiar with pain. Felt it when she hurt Anna; or when she watched all her family die; when Veronica mistreated her; how she felt after waking up in the lab for the first time (and every other time).

But what she feels now doesn’t even compare to it. There is no power, almost as if she was sucked dry of it. What she feels now is a painful accumulation of everything that’s happened to her, like a ball that got heavier as everything bad she remembers joins it’s core and now is weighting her down, with incredible force.

She remembers how when her wolf form revealed itself all the pain was gone, and now, surprisingly she longs for it. She wants the weight in her heart to disappear, the voices in her head to quiet down.

But she can’t, because of how numb she feels. Her body is paralyzed because of the wolfsbane, and everything hurts.

_It can only get worse before it gets better, right?_

With that in mind, she forces her wolf, now scared into hiding in the darkest and furthest confines of her soul, to come out and paw it’s way out of her pain.

She focuses on the angry memories, willing it to work. She’s panting and screaming and forcing herself to ignore the wolfsbane in her system with the inoffensive power of her mind. The mind that keeps playing tricks on her.

* * *

 

_She’s sitting with Kara on the couch, Alex and Maggie on the oblique to it, Winn and James on the ground in front of them. They are all in Kara’s house, stuffed to their throats with pizza (except Kara), playing games in their weekly planned Game Night._

_Kara and Lena are on the same team, currently leading the score with Alex and Maggie behind them followed by, lastly, James and Winn._

_“This is not fair, Luthor!” Alex exclaims, pointing her index finger at her, “Of course you would beat us all in monopoly, you are a fucking CEO." She finishes with a grumble._

_Lena only laughs and laughs and laughs at all their antics. She hasn’t felt this warm and safe around people for a while. But Kara’s arm around her shoulders, head slightly bumping into hers as she laughs, and everyone around her as well, she couldn’t possibly feel any other way._

_They play charades next, Kara and Lena once again wining, being able to read each other very well._

_They high five each other as everyone grunts in defeat, and it only makes their victory taste better._

_“This is not fair. We have to change teams.” Winn says with a small pout._

_“Yes, he’s right guys.” James agrees._

_“Noooooo,” Kara says, “I like having Lena with me.”_

_“Of course you do.” Maggie mutters, though both Kara and Lena are able to hear, with the former glaring at her and the latter blushing bright pink._

_“Kara, you two are like, crazy attuned to each other. It’s like you’ve been married for forty years.” Both girls are blushing as Maggie continues, smirking at their reactions, “Besides it’s no fun for us, we can’t even put up a fight with you too.”_

_“Well, fine. I would rather loose on purpose than change teams.” Kara says. Lena admittedly looks at her a little dumfounded before controlling her expression once again, enjoying the other round of collective grunts around the group._

_After playing other games that Lena doesn’t even bother pay attention to, distracted by Kara’s hand on her own, their friends gradually start heading out, leaving only Kara and Lena. They’re both laughing lightly at something the other said, before falling into a comfortable silence that Lena eventually breaks, mindful of the time._

_“I had a lot of fun today.”_

_“Yeah?” Kara asks, absolutely beaming._

_“Of course. I always have fun with you.” Lena says, as if she was making the most obvious statement._

_“I know. Me too.” She says, and they fall once again into a familiar silence._

_They gaze at each other’s faces, searching for details that both of them have already memorized and observed countless times before, but still captivated when they find them._

_The look on Kara’s face is incredibly relaxed and adoring, and Lena too easily copies it into her own features. Kara truly is a force of nature._

_“You know,” Kara says, “on the day we met, outside the liquor store, I was complaining for being there. But now, with you sitting in my living room, I’m pretty sure I don’t regret not bailing one bit.” There’s a fond smile in her face._

_Lena sighs. “Yeah, I know. I feel the same. I was having a terrible day, but I certainly didn’t mind the outcome. ”_

_There are no words exchanged between them after that. There’s only Kara’s fingers intertwined with Lena’s, her thumb stroking the back of her hand, and the loving gaze they share. That is until Lena’s phone sounds and breaks their moment._

_“I should probably go. It’s getting late and we both have to work tomorrow.” She gets up reluctantly from the couch, with Kara following her to the front door. She helps Lena put on her jacket and even fixes her hair, her fingers lingering a little bit on her temple. Then she pulls Lena into a fierce hug, and Lena holds her tightly in response._

_If the hug lasts too long to be reasonable between friends, neither comment on it._

* * *

 

Every thought and memory she has leads to another, and so on. The world becomes more narrow and tighter with every recollection, and she feels the walls closing in on her, leaving her gasping in pain for air. She’s hot and trembling, there’s wetness on her face and she’s not sure it’s sweat or tears.

This last memory is enough to break the dam of her insecurities preventing her to turn, leaving her completely desiring her wolf form before the pain breaks her.

She moves, hardly, and holds herself with two hands on the ground, screaming in agony as she feels the burning of transforming being forced this time, not forcing her.

She’s panting between her loud screams that, if the glass in her cage isn’t soundproofed, will no doubt sound throughout all the DEO building. But she doesn’t care, once again she just wants it to stop.

She knows the wolfsbane in the air is forbidding her from turning, so it’s harder to change forms. It takes long several minutes that feel like hours as she screams and pants from the top of her lungs.

She’s distantly aware of a door opening and various footsteps coming in the room outside her cage, but she doesn’t stop. She can’t stop. Not when she feels so close to changing. Not when she’s so proximal to making the pain dull and her thoughts stop.

“Lena! Stop! You’re in too much pain!” Someone screams. She’s aware that it sounds like J’onn, but she doesn’t focus on his words, only screams louder and louder when the pain gets higher as well, the closer she comes to turning.

“Lena, if you don’t stop I’m going to have to inject you with wolfsbane once more!”

“Lena, stop!”

“You’re hurting yourself!”

“That’s it.”

She hears him, but she doesn’t purposefully ignore him. All of her attention is focused into turning. She needs to turn. To make it stop.

So she pushes through. Pushes through all his threats; through all the burning pain; through all the panting.

And she succeeds. She falls forward, but now, thankfully, there’s no more spiral of thoughts to make her anxieties and panic take over her, settle tight in her chest and make it hard to breath and just exist.

But there is pain. There’s an unpleasant rush on her chest. But there’s no thoughts, and she’s not complaining about that. She can’t move, can barely breathe, only gulping shallowly small amounts of oxygen and aconitum in the air of her cell. She’s laying on the ground, all her four paws stretched ahead of her, brilliant black fur enveloping them. She takes notice of her ripped clothes, scattered around the room. Takes notice of the foggy glass, quickly loosing it’s condensation.

She also notices how the pain keeps getting stronger at every second. Keeps building up, into something blinding that makes everything heavy, especially her head.

She embraces this pain though. Knows she deserves it, after all the pain she’s caused to everyone around her. She doesn’t go through self-pitying trip that she often takes on her mind, but she can’t help it but feel guilty.

Now that she can’t move with all the numbness in her limps, nor does she want to, the concentration of the throbbing in her body only rises. To a point where she tries to use her voice, not sure what for, but all that leaves her is a whine, followed by another and another and lots more.

There’s black in the edge of her eyes, slowly crawling into the center of her eyesight, enveloping what she sees in a dark blanket. She closes her eyes, and allows it to guard her, hoping it will keep her safe.

* * *

 

_She’s hungry. She doesn’t remember the last time she ate. Or bathed. Or had any company._

_She doesn’t know what is happening really. She hasn’t seen anyone in a long time, which is strange because Lex and Lionel usually come everyday to take tests._

_Her stomach keeps growling, hunger making her dizzy._

_She gets up from the bed she’s been lying in for God knows how long. There’s no windows in the room, and the only way she could keep count of the days passing was because of her family’s visits. But now that those aren’t happening anymore, she doesn’t know how much time has passed._

_She knows she shouldn’t leave the AcoLab. Knows the threat she poses, but she’s hurting because of the hunger and the curiosity and her own smell._

_So she hacks the computer only Lionel has access to and opens the doors._

_As soon as she walks out of the room, she’s relieved. There’s no more wolfsbane in the air, and she feels light._

_“Make sure the funeral is well arranged.” She hears Lillian say. “And don’t go near the lab again. Just let the girl starve in there for all I care.”_

_“Yes ma’am.” She recognizes the voice of a maid._

_She gets out of the house, possibilities running through her mind. Is Lex dead? Or is Lionel? Is that why they aren’t visiting?_

_She doesn’t have to go very far to hear the news. Lionel’s gone._

_She only returns home to get the savings she used to store under her bed._

* * *

 

_She’s 21 years-old and already working on her third PhD. She doesn’t receive any side eyes in here, unlike she did in high school. Therefor she likes it. She keeps to herself, focuses on her studies._

_Even if she keeps to herself, even if she avoids contact with everyone, it's hard to miss the rumors and the conversations and all the mention of her brother's name._

_One particular afternoon, as she's walking down the corridor of her university's campus  absent-mindedly playing with the necklace hanging from her neck and reading from a book, that she becomes alarmed of her brother's mind state._

_A commotion settles around her, as everyone starts whispering as they watch the same video playing on their phones. She hears "Daily Planet" and "Lex Luthor" being thrown around, and her curiosity is immediately spiked._

_She gets her phone out of her pocket and searches the video everyone seems to be talking about._

_What she sees leaves her speachless. Broken. Devastated._

_There, clear as day in the footage is Lex, but not really Lex. It's unsettling to watch her brother the way she imagines herself to be when not in control. Lex's eyes are shining, sickly green. His teeth are big and pointy, bursting out of his mouth dauntingly. His veins are dark and striking out from his flushed skin. She can see the way his nails scratch at the fabric of Superman's suit. Recognizes the look on the hero's face as surprise, confusion. Fear._

_She distantly wonders if this is what she looks like, if this is how people would feel as they saw her the same way._

_Her thoughts are completely substituted by alarm, concern, and even fear for her brother. It heats her up inside and out._

_The heat Lena feels behind her eyes doesn't allow her to finish the video. Although she reads the title of the next article on the website. "Lex Luthor is accused of mass murder and 16 other crimes. Arrest warrant has been issued."_

_She walks out of campus intent on meeting him._

_She superspeeds towards the LuthorCorp building, her heart beating wildly in fear of the man she might see after all these years._

_She gives her name to the front desk, and she’s taken towards his office quickly, like people recognize her despite all the years she spent in captivity. She assumes Lex must have been expecting her, and the thought gives her hope._

_As soon as she steps inside his office, and finds him seated in his big chair, legs crossed and relaxed look in his face, all hope vanishes her. In that moment she truly sees how much different Lex has become. He looks so much more like Lillian, with his eyes cold, mouth in an annoying smirk, jaw locked tight. But at least he looks like himself, and she finds solace in the fact that he at least isn't affected by the serum anymore._

_“Lena. How good to see you. I’ve been expecting you.” He says, smiling coldly at her. “You see, I knew it would only be a matter of time before you came find me. After all, you’ve always loved the Man of Steel. I still remember your conviction while defending him to me when we were younger.”_

_“You’re right. I don’t understand why you are doing this.” She says, coldly as well though her insides are completely vibrating with anger and resignation. “I see you’ve lost the ability to only pick the fights you know you can win.”_

_The last sentence is enough to force a glare into his face, and he quickly stands up, index finger pointed angrily in her direction. “I can and I will win this. I am sick of watching everyone devote to him because of all his power, alien power, while I am the most powerful human there is! My own species turned their back on me, because he convinced them to!” He screams._

_“Have you lost your mind, Lex? He convinced them to? He just wants to keep the world safe. Keep your world safe!”_

_“Exactly, my world. He has no business being here. And neither do you, dear sister. You have so much power within you as well.” He says, as he steps closer to her, his eyes widening with each step. He looks completely crazy. “How is it fair to humanity to have such powerful people walk amongst them, to step on them, to humiliate them!" He's unfuriated, there's anger in his eyes and the intensity of his words is accompanied by spit._

_"Superman hasn't humiliated anyone. He just wants to use his power to help! How can you not see -"_

_"He has humiliated me! Don't be foolish, Lena. Do you really think that power isn't blinding? That prestige doesn't make you selfish and self-centered?"_

_"No,I know. I can see it in you. It's funny how you're judging him based on your own flaws. You're a hypocrite."_

_"Well, Lena, you're a monster. Guess we both are now."_

_"No. You're selfish. We are not the same. I will never use my- this to make myself rise above everyone else."_

_"I am not selfish! Why are you condemning me for having power that both you and him have as well? Is it because you don't want to share? You're just as haughty and arrogant as he is."_

_She sighs, shakes her head. Heartbroken._

_"It's not about sharing. You stole it, and for what? These powers, these capabilities, they are not just for show. They're not an amend to broken egos. They're a responsibility. A burden. You don't get it."_

_"No, Lena! You don't understand. They're not a curse as you say. I've felt it! It's... exh_ _ilarating, freeing." His face morphs, the anger and disappointment once settled in his expression turn into manic excitement, and Lena can't watch it much longer. Both because she hears the sirens coming, hears the fluttering of a cape almost reluctantly following them; but also because this new version of her brother is slowly corrupting the memories of the sweet, protective brother she once loved, still loves. "You should join me, dear sister, I can help you see it for how it really is." He extends his hand._

_It breaks her heart, listening to his words and watching the crazed look on his face. So she turns away from him. Runs and leaves the building without looking back._

_She sees the police cars halting in front of the building as Superman flies towards a window in Lex's floor. Hears his screams as the handcuffs are secured around his wrists. The promises he makes as if he knows she's listening._

_That was the day he swore to hunt her. Years later will be the time he almost succeeded._

* * *

 

She wakes up to soft hands petting her head. Scratching her scalp and tracing faint lines on her skin while getting lost exploring her long and soft black fur. She’s aware that she’s in someone’s lap but there’s too much pain to look up and see who the person is. With every movement she tries to make, a throb resonates within her body, and she whines at the feeling of it.

“Shhhh, just sleep.” Someone whispers distantly, but she doesn’t know who, being unable to focus on anything but the kindness lacing the voice’s every word.

She lets the touch, the warmth and the sensation of belonging lull her to sleep once again.

\--

Kara will eagerly admit that the past months since she met Lena Luthor have been quite strange. Not bad strange, just strange.

And sure, she’s an alien and a superhero, so her life has never really been ordinary, at least not on earth. But with Lena, everything feels so surreal.

She still remembers the feeling she couldn’t shake since the day they met. There was definitely something different about her, she could sense it, and she was immediately intrigued.

She would be lying if she said that the woman’s holy appearance wasn’t another push to pursuit some kind of relationship with Lena, but really it was only the sentiment of understanding and acceptance that Lena sends her, even when she’s quiet, that truly captivates Kara.

Kara enjoyed every single moment they spent together, either when the two of them were alone (which she particularly preferred) or with Alex and Maggie. The latter pair always made sure to point out that perhaps Kara might enjoy it too much, with teasing smirks and amusement in her eyes.

And Kara knew it. She might seem naïve or oblivious but it’s hard to miss something that she always longed for. Someone who understands her, thinks highly of her (even her boring human alter ego) and enjoys spending time with Kara as much as the reporter enjoys spending time with Lena.

At least that was what she thought. Because Lena eventually becomes a blurred line that Kara doesn’t understand it’s crookedness. One moment they’re having loving moments, gazing deeply into each other’s eyes and holding hands with their eyes roaming each other’s faces; and the next Lena pushes away. Becomes curt and professionally polite with Kara, being warm but making Kara sense the coldness from the emotional distance Lena puts between them.

And the uncertainty accompanies Kara for months. Until it’s replaced by loneliness and heart break when she figures her feelings might be one sided, and the interactions where Kara thought she had seen something more from Lena might not have been real.

Then comes Mon-El, or Mike as she presented him to Lena. He’s funny, and good looking, and they share the same background from their home planets, and it unites them, brings them together in a way that Lena never allowed the two woman to be before.

She and Mon-El have fun. Things are simple. They’re together despite some of his less than good traits that Alex constantly reminds Kara of.

It doesn’t stay simple. After the day Kara visited Lena after the bar incident (that truly pulled a trick on Kara. She was upset for the rest of the night, not understanding what happened, along with Maggie and Alex who didn’t comprehend as well, so the three of them were concerned for their friend. And Kara was selfishly glad to find out that she wasn’t the only one Lena pushed away, even if it didn’t change anything). When Kara goes to Lena’s house, and finds Lena looking devastated, she becomes completely engrossed in her friend’s wellbeing, consequently forgetting Mon-El’s presence, and so the fighting began.

Apparently he thought that there was something more between the reporter and the CEO. And sure, every time she denied it there was a voice in her head that was still muttered an _I_   _wish._ But she quickly ignored it in favor of her real boyfriend standing in front of her, sad and upset, making the blonde slightly guilty.

It’s not shocking when the same day she came back to Lena’s house, stating she was concerned about her (and not because she missed her so very much). Lena understands her, knows what she needs in order to be feel well. And maybe that's what iluded Kara in the past into thinking it was reciprocated. 

Entering the DEO shouting at Mon-El in Lena’s defense lead to a pleasant turn of events. All the anger in her from the fight vanishes at the sight of Lena, even though the woman looks ashamed. Mon-El moves towards her, pulls her away from prying ears, but Kara can’t help but hear him shouting at her and Kara’s about to intervene, but their words completely root her to the spot. Watching Lena stand up for her and admitting her feelings while at the same time putting Mon-El in his place does things to Kara (both emotionally or physically). But she can’t speak with Lena about it, she was Supergirl then.

When they share the same bed, Kara’s surprised she even manages to fall asleep, with her heart beating wildly and Lena’s as well resounding on her ears. She would risk it all then, kiss Lena and confess her feelings, but she thinks better of it, after the tiring day Lena’s had and the fact she still has a boyfriend to think about.

But none of this emotional rollercoaster compares to the moment the DEO come to save her from Lillian.

She knew the older woman was waiting for her daughter, as she told Kara herself, but she had no idea what was going to happen. She expected some kind of fight, physical even.

She didn’t expect Lena’s appearance. Hearing Lena’s body crack and the fluid in her veins flowing with incredible speed, her heart beating wildly and her voice gravel and rough. It scared Kara, who didn’t know what was happening. Then, she sees Lena’s cheeks flush, the veins around her eyes becoming shallow and an angry red and purple, framing her glowing green eyes. She was shocked by their color, so similar to kryptonite and yet so much more alive. Beautiful.

All the crackling became louder and faster and it seemed like it was coming from everywhere within Lena’s body. Lena was screaming in pain, and the agony in her voice brought tears to Kara’s eyes, or maybe it was how she apologized to Kara, before, in the blink of an eye, she falls onto four limbs. She can see Lena deforming, her bones assuming different shapes with nauseating noises because of the pain Lena must feel. Hair quickly grows and covers her body. All in the matter of seconds. 

Where Lena stood, there was now a wolf. With luxurious black fur that shines with the sunlight, and probably just as soft as Lena’s long dark hair. It’s eyes green, still glowing but with much less intensity. Still beautiful.

Lena is always beautiful.

Then she watches with horror as J’onn pets it (her?), right before inserting some kind of liquid in her veins. All the shock and confusion that nailed her feet on the ground, making it hard to move, vanish, and she runs towards her then, kneels and brings her sleeping form to her arms, observing her wolf body carefully. She’s still confused, _does this mean Lena’s also an alien? Why did she hide it from me?_

All her thoughts are interrupted by the abrupt laughter of Lillian Luthor. She’s standing over Kara, handcuffed. Kara hears Alex commenting with Winn that the bombs were difused.

“See, Supergirl? My daughter really is the worst of the Luthors.” She says, still laughing in a way that gives Kara’s skin goosebumps.

“No. You, Lex and Lionel are.” Kara spits, angry for every single action that Lillian made today, and in Lena’s childhood.

Her laughter can still be heard when she moves to inside the car.

Kara turns to J’onn, who’s still crouched in front of Lena’s body, touching her faintly with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“Will she be okay?” Kara asks, concerned and sad that she has to leave her to disarm the bombs. 

“Yes, Supergirl, she will.”

\--

After getting back at the DEO, Kara quickly finds and moves towards J’onn.

“Where is she? Is she okay?” She asks, eager to be reunited with her.

“She’s fine, Supergirl.”

“Okay. Good. Where is she?” She asks once more.

“I can’t tell you that.” He says, sternly.

“What?” She asks, dumbfounded. She should mind her volume, but can’t help her annoyance at his answer. Alex moves closer towards them at the sudden scream from her sister.

“What’s going on?” Alex asks, brows furrowed in concern.

“He won’t let me see Lena!” She says. She puts her hands on her hips, waiting for Alex’s agreeance with her, but when it doesn’t come she turns to her sister.

“Lena made him promise.” Alex says, almost whispering. “That’s what you two were talking about, wasn’t it? The promise she made you keep?”

“Yes, it was. I’m sorry. Those were her wishes.” He says. Kara can see now the displeasure he has at not letting Lena be seen, but she knows J’onn is a man of his word.

“But… Why?” Kara asks, her voice small.

“Because she didn’t want you to see her like that. Because she thought you wouldn’t want to. She’s ashamed.” He explains, softly.

As Kara thinks about it, the less it makes sense. Why wouldn’t she want me to see her? Did she think I was scared? Why is she ashamed of herself?

She tries not to think about it, simply asks J’onn to take care of her and takes off, to make her rounds with Mon-El.

-

She couldn’t focus on anything that wasn’t Lena, even with Mon-El’s attempts of humor and distraction. So, when she makes sure the city is safe, she goes back to the DEO.

When the both of them get back, they return to complete chaos. All the agents that usually are seated in their desks are gone, and J’onn, Alex and Winn stand in the middle of the room, around the debriefing table, looking agitated.

“What’s going on?” She asks, rushing towards them, Mon-El in tow.

“It’s Lena,” Alex said, looking incredibly alarmed, “She’s in pain, just screaming from the top of her lungs in agony in her cell room.” She points at the monitor.

In the monitor, there’s the footage of Lena’s holding cell. She can see Lena panting, scratching at the ground, arching her back, while her mouth is open in a silent but still agonizing scream. The veins around her eyes are back, but her eyes aren’t glowing anymore, the same lovely bluish-green that Kara loves. But Kara can’t focus on them while looking at Lena’s face contorted into the image of unbelievable pain.

“She can’t turn,” J’onn says, interrupting her observations, “there’s aconitum in the room, the more she tries to force herself into it the more pain she’ll be in.”

“Then why is she doing it?” Kara asks, alarmed and worried.

“Because when she’s in her wolf form, she can’t think. Her mind turns it’s volume down, so the emotional pain vanishes. She’d rather be in physical pain than relieve everything that’s happened. I’ve read her mind,” he continues, “she’s been thinking a lot about her childhood, seeing her father in a different angle, Lex, her mother, you.”

“Me?” She asks, scandalized. Lena is thinking of her and in pain because of her?

“Yes.“ He says. At the guilty look on Kara’s face, rushes to add “And all of us as well.”

He opens his mouth to say more, but is interrupted by, this time, a real scream. The sound came from Lena, Kara is sure of it, and she’s about to move when Mon-El stops her.

She turns to him, angry about his gesture. She shrugs his hand off her arm, but he quickly places it there again.

“What are you doing?” She asks, fuming.

“You can’t go there Kara! She might be dangerous!” He screams, his teeth gritted.

“Lena is not dangerous!” She says, louder, shoulders squared and clenched fists on her hips, pushing her chest out. He puts his hands on her again, stopping her from turning around once again.

“You don’t know that. Did you not hear what Lillian Luthor said? There must be a reason for that!”

“Do not talk about Lena like that! And don’t you dare put your hands around me again.” She tries to move once again, but he again stops her.

She just lost it. She couldn’t tolerate him talking like that about Lena, nor his refusal to accept that Kara is more than capable of taking care of herself.

She pushes him away. “I do not need you to tell me what I can or can’t do! I can take care of myself!”

His face shows all his shock towards her outburst, but she won’t allow him to make her feel guilty this time. He’s the one who made a mistake, and she refuses to apologize for it.

They’re so caught up in their fight that they both missed J’onn turning to talk to Lena. But they do hear him get back, screaming at Winn.

“Push it up Winn. The wolfsbane, push it up!” He shouts. Winn scrambles to comply.

“What’s that? What does it do?” She asks, forgetting once again about Mon-El and his childishness.

“It’s like Kryptonite. It’s her Kryptonite.” Alex explains.

“What? You’re going to hurt her, J’onn!” Her face must show all her fear and concern because J’onn’s face diminishes of hard determination, and softens to a slightly concerned look, but with a hard edge still.

“Supergirl, we need to force her to stop before she hurts herself even more. Keep pushing it up Winn.”

She stares at the screen showing Lena’s cell. She’s still gasping and screaming and whining in pain, but doesn’t show any sign of stopping. Her veins are very perceptible now, and her body looks flushed but hollow, as if there’s no energy left in her. She’s given up.

“It’s at 80%, J’onn.” Winn says, and he too, as everyone in the room except Mon-El looks reluctant to continue.

“Turn it up.” J’onn says.

“No! You’ll hurt her!” She says, and moves forward to try and stop Winn. Mon-El grabs her again, and all her patience towards him vanishes.

She turns to him, deadly glare in her face that makes him gulp. She walks closer to him, denting the floor as she goes and screams, all her frustrations and fear and confusion forming into a unique feeling, and it boils white hot inside her as she looks at him.

“Will you stop!”

“No! I’m trying to help you!”

“I don’t want nor need your help!”

There’s various sighs coming from the other side of the room. Kara superspeeds towards them.

“She turned and collapsed on the ground on her wolf form. You can drop the wolfsbane to 30% Winn.” J’onn says.

“Let me see her, J’onn. We don’t know how long she’ll be asleep or in her wolf shape. She needs someone she trusts there. And… I need her too. Please J’onn.” She says, tears falling from her eyes. She waits, looking him straight in the eye, as he thinks about it and makes his decision.

“Okay.”

“What? J’onn you can’t let her in there! She might hurt her!” Mon-El shouts.

“It’s my decision. Not yours. Now you either behave and drop your commanding tone or I’ll force you out of the building. Are we clear?” J’onn doesn’t even wait for his response before leaving the room, Kara one step behind him, leading her to Lena’s cell block.

And that’s where Kara is now. Lena’s head on her lap and hand in her fur.

She can’t help but think of everything that happened today. What Lena found out, the pain she must be in.

She can’t help but think of the last few months either. _Was this the reason for her_ _abrupt departures at times? Is this the reason why she always kept Kara away? Does Lena truly love her?_

Her brain spins with questions and her heart swims in love, hope and concern.

She falls asleep like that, Lena’s warmth on her chest and thoughts of her on her mind.

 


	11. Chapter 11

There’s a weight on her body. She’s exhausted. Every part of her body feels heavy even when she doesn’t try to move them, as if the gravitational force increased drastically. Her muscles are strained, her bones sored, her skin hot, and her mind hazy.

She’s aware that the weight she feels isn’t is only due to her tiredness. Her naked human body is strongly secured and covered by a red blanket of sorts. She manages to find energy enough to lift her head and look down herself. She inspects the fabric on top of her, brows furrowed as she comes across a tissued she’s vaguely familiar with but can’t associate to what in her foggy state.

She straightens and freezes when she feels something move behind her. The arms, she realizes now were securing her, tighten as barely-there kisses are being pressed into the skin of her exposed shoulder. 

Suddenly, as if a window in her nostrils opened, the smell of sunshine comes to her, and she’s stunned into a decision of relaxing or moving away.

She doesn’t know how Kara will react to all of this. She expected to not hear from her after everything that the hero witnessed in the Luthor manor. All her insecurities were exposed to all her friends by Lillian, and she truly expects them to make quick excuses and scramble away. But this seems like the opposite of running away, right?

Even with all the doubts in her head, the heat Kara’s body radiates envelops her so tightly that she’s incapable of doing anything but falling asleep again.

* * *

 

_Lena keeps up with the news channel. She witnessed Lex’s arrest live through the TV, watched as Lillian took over the company, saw Supergirl’s ascension in National City._

_She’s working in a lab in Metropolis. She found a night job, trying to interact with the less people possible, making sure to be invisible._

_It’s working so far. She’s the only one in her department who works on the night shift, leaving her alone to her thoughts and research; she’s glad for it, as she’s always been alone, and now, even after years of being locked, all the sounds and touches and sensations that come from conversation or companionships overwhelm her._

_So, it’s a normal Friday evening. She’s in her lab, testing different equipment she created. Usually her friend Jack comes to see her from the Biology department, but today he’s not in the building, and he warned Lena in advance of his absence. Lena is slightly relieved by that. As much as sometimes his company is desirable, today is not one of those days, as the full moon is only a few days from arriving._

_She’s violently pushed away from her thoughts when the first explosion happens. The sound temporarily deafens her, damaging her equilibrium as well so she stumbles to the ground, before it quickly heals. She gets up from her position and moves out the door, trying to localize all her coworkers and help them out of the building securely._

_She helps everyone out and just as she comes inside to make sure there’s no one else inside a second explosion comes. This one comes in a pinkish light, and she eyes it curiously until a wave of nauseous pain crashes through her. She can’t move, and she can’t even see properly. Distantly she knows Lex did this, his threats still hunt her as she sleeps, or every other minute when she’s not distracted enough. She thinks bitterly that he has succeeded, and the image of his wide victorious smirk makes her even more nauseous then she thought it possible._

_His face is in her head as she experiences the hell she’s stuck in right now. It’s hot, and it melts her into a disfigured piece of fear and terror. She looks around and all she sees is devastation: The flames are an angry red and pink, moving in on her and surrounding her, burning everything in their paths. She thinks this is it, as she struggles to breath in air that raps her larynx and windpipe, but she not purposefully continues gasping for it._

_Then, she’s enveloped by strong arms that lift her and carry her outside, or maybe fly her? She’s not even aware. All she knows is that the farther she gets from the lab the better she feels even though the pain doesn’t totally evade her body._

_She looks up and her suspicions are confirmed as she watches superman’s figure graciously carrying her to the ground, where he deposits her before going back inside to put out the flames._

* * *

 

She wakes up sweating and gasping, just like she had on the day of the fire, but this time, instead of flames, those memories are the ones suffocating her. She struggles to breath, and in her state of panic her wolf quickly comes out to the surface in her defence, if the boiling warmth in her veins is any indication.

She scrambles away from Kara, who was seaten right next to her whispering reassurances to her hesitantly while holding her shoulders, trying to give her some kind of comfort. Unfortunately, as fear overwhelmed her, she didn’t acknowledge Kara’s words or moviments at all.

Lena super speeds to the opposite wall of the room, fingers digging into the wall’s plaster to ground her, to try and liberate her from where she’s trapped in her mind. She’s breathing harshly through her mouth, trying to inhale as many oxygen as possible while she feels her diaphragm contract, stopping her lungs from breathing freely, and her heart to beat freely.

So she gives in to her wolf, actually begs for it to take over in other to calm herself, but once again the room is being refreshed with aconitum, and she can’t turn easily. Her eyes burn, both from the glowing heat and the panicked tears raining out of them. She’s aware of the itch she has slightly below her eyes, and she now her veins must be dilating.

It’s then that Kara chooses to get up from the ground and make her way to Lena, and the CEO quickly turns around before Kara is able to seeing her true form with details. Her nails are scratching the wall desperately, almost trying to find a way out of this cell, even if her rational side knows she can’t.

“Lena, focus on me. Listen to my voice.” Kara says, gingerly putting her hands on Lena’s shoulders. “Focus on me.” She repeats, softly.

So Lena does. Their point of contact doesn’t make her flinch as she would expect. Instead it grounds her, brings her mind back to reality. She focuses on it. Focuses on it’s subtle movements as Kara moves slightly or even breathes. Feels the vibrations of the blood running freely through the veins in her hands. Focuses on the heat that Kara’s body provides.

It works. She calms down, and her wolf relaxes again. She returns to human.

She’s still scared, but now for different reasons. She’s afraid to turn around and see the look on Kara’s face. Afraid of the words Kara will say to her if Lena allows her to express her concerns regarding the CEO. Afraid that Kara will simply walk away now that Lena is no longer in dangerous need of her.

She’s still facing the wall as she ponders which decision to take next, when the hands that Kara had deposited on Lena’s shoulders weakly apply force as an incentive for Lena to turn around.

And Lena does. She turns around and gazes right into Kara’s eyes. She’s surprised to find no amount of fear or disgust on them, only a soft mixture of adoring sadness.

“Are you okay?” Kara asks, and her voice is as soft and tentative as the look on her face.

“Yes. Thank you.” Lena says, quietly. She can’t quite bring herself to gaze directly into Kara’s eyes for long, choosing instead to look at the ground. She supposes it’s the weight of her shame that directs her head low. “I’m so sorry, Kara.” She says, a quiet whisper that she knows Kara will only be able to hear because of her superhearing.

“What are you sorry for?” Kara asks, with a confused smile on her lips that if Lena didn’t have a heavy chest right now it would probably lift with adoration.

“For everything.” She says, and sniffs the emotion slowly puring out of her, “For lying to you, for everything that Lillian said and did, for allowing her to hurt you, for hurting you myself.” She’s surprised she managed to say the whole sentence without letting out the sob resting on her throat or the tears behind her eyes.

“Lena, look at me.” Kara says, as she uses her hands to carress Lena’s face while also tilting her head up to look into her eyes, also filled with tears. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Lena. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong, honey.” She says, fiercely, as if she’s determined to make Lena agree with her as well.

But Lena can’t agree with her. How could she? She doesn’t deserve the amount of affection resting on Kara’s eyes after everything was revealed. She shakes her head, and both the sobs and the tears are now falling freely, into Kara’s arms that she wraps tightly around Lena’s body as she cries. All Lena can think is of the look in everyone’s face as she revealed herself to her friends, and it makes her knees give out, dragging both her and Kara to the ground.

They stay there, seating with their backs against the wall, arms surrounding each. They’re both crying now. Leva with grief and shame and Kara in sympathy perhaps.

Once both of them calmed down, as no broken sobs fall down both of theirs lips, their breathings turn under control and there are no more trembles, they stay siting. The silence that surrounds them is not awkward, but comforting. It becomes a background noise and with the warmth of their embrace, it blends them into a sense of security that both recognize as an occurrence exclusive to each other’s presence.

Kara is the first too speak. “Why didn’t you tell me?” There’s no judgments or bitterness in her voice, only roughness from the crying that still allows the sound to have a soft edge.

“I was ashamed. I didn’t want you to leave.” She says, quietly. She’s tired. All the crying plus the aconitum in the air made her feel empty, and in Kara’s arms it would be easy to fall asleep.

“I will never leave you, Lena. I promise you. I will always be there for you, to protect you.” And she sounds so sincere, so determined. Lena isn’t sure if it’s the tiredness that makes her act without thinking, or her wolf doing what it pleases, but the next thing she knows, she’s placing a lingering kiss on Kara’s cheek; listening to Kara’s soft sigh; watching her eyelids close and her shoulders relax. It leaves her with an unbelievable sense of pride and accomplishment.

“Why were you ashamed?” Kara asks, once again breaking the silence that had settled between them.

Lena was already crossing the bridge between consciousness and sleep, even unable to open her eyelids with the tiredness in her body. And perhaps that’s why when she answers Kara all her inhibitions are low, and she can do nothing other then speaking sincerely.

“Because Lillian was right, I'm unstable and dangerous. Every one I’ve ever known who knows my true nature either tried to murder me, study me, or left me. I couldn’t take if you did it too.” Her words are slurred with sleep, almost sliding down her tongue automatically like they wanted to be out for so long.  

The next thing she knows, she’s falling into a deep sleep, right after a long kiss was deposited in her temple.

\--

The next time she wakes up she’s alone. She tries to calm down and to not let the disappointment enable her. She sits up, feeling better although there are still the effects of the wolfsbain banging in her head in reminder. She notices she’s still naked, and tries not to blush as she thinks of Kara in her arms holding each other tight as Lena was as naked as the day she was born.

She looks around the room, searching for something to cover herself with because her clothes were ripped in her transformation. Her eyes come across some folded DEO sweatpants and sweatshirt in the entrance of the room, and as she eyes the items she becomes aware of the figure standing in the other side of the entrance, quietly watching her.

“Alex.” Lena whispers, surprised to find her there, but relieved for the same reasons.

She quickly puts the closes on, upon seeing Alex diverting her eyes with a faint blush in her cheeks that matches Lena’s own.

“Kara had to stop a robbery. She didn’t want to leave you, so I offered to stay.” She says, not coldly, but immensely direct and matter of factly.

“Thank you.” Lena says, reluctant now that she knows Alex isn’t there by her own choice. Truth being said, Alex’s friendship is very important to her. She’s smart, determined, strong and supportive, traits that Lena has always appreciated. She knows that Alex would always be there for her when she needed. Now she can’t help but be unsure of that.

“So, what are you?” She says, unaffected demeanor still in place.

“I don’t know. I guess you could say I’m a werewolf.” Lena says, shoulders deflated but voice strong, her wolf being unable to show defeat.

“Hm.” Alex looks lost in thought, as if debating Lena’s words in her head. It makes the CEO nervous, knowing that Alex’s attitude towards her in the future will be like this one. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Lena knows she already told Kara the truth, even if her wolf normally would never allow her to voice her insecurities so carelessly. But the harm is already done, and she ponders if she should reply sincerely to Alex as well.

 She decides to speak honestly, knowing that sooner or later Kara would confide in her sister of what Lena said.

“I was afraid of what your reaction would be.”

“Why?” Alex asks, without missing a beat, though there’s a frown in her face now.

“Because, the few people that have known had very… hurtful… reactions. Besides, I was already a Luthor, and you decided to trust me. I didn’t know how you would feel knowing I was the worse of them.”

“You’re not the worse of them Lena.” Alex says, exhaling softly through her nose and running a hand in her forehead.

There’s a beat of silence, Lena not knowing how to answer, and Alex seemingly waiting. Then, suddenly, the agent starts moving towards the door and opens it.

“What are you doing? Don’t come in here!” Lena says, backing away from the door, arms extended in front of her and a expression of panic in her face.

“Why?” Alex asks, unimpressed.

“Because I might hurt you!” She says, almost shouts in desperation. When Alex doesn’t listen and moves inanyway, she adds “I’m not in control of myself.” She says, more quietly, ashamed. Alex is only human. 

“I have a gun, Lena.” The agent is completely calm, moving towards Lena’s bed and lying down, patting the spot next to her.

Lena ponders her options, while Alex rolls her eyes at Lena’s reluctance. The CEO knows that she would never consciously hurt her friend, and in case she tried, the cell is being monitored and someone, Alex included, would stop her. She hesitantly makes her way to the bed and lies next to her.

“You should have told us, you know. No one would judge you. But I think I understand why you didn’t. It’s okay.” Alex says, holding Lena’s hand and gently squeezing it.

Lena releases a sigh of relief and squeezes back. “Thank you.” She whispers, hoping Alex understands how much she appreciates them all in her life.

“So, how did you find out Kara’s secret?” Alex asks, and there’s an amused edge to her voice and expression that makes Lena chuckle softly, letting the tenseness evade her body as well, though not completely, as Lena is still intent on keeping her wolf under control.

“Because of her smell, actually. But glasses and a different hairstyle aren’t that good of a disguise either.” Lena says, smiling softly at the images of Kara running through her mind as she speaks of her.

“I know.” Alex says, and she chuckles as well. Then she stops, turning to look at Lena with her eyebrows slightly raised. “What do you mean smell?”

“Well, I have a strong sense of smell, actually. And everyone has a unique smell. Kara, for instance, smells yellow. Like sunshine and rain. Maggie smells orange, coconut and vanilla. And you smell brown to me, coffee and sandalwood, although Kara’s scent is also strong on you.” Lena says, distracted with her thoughts she misses the scandalized look on Alex’s face, or the way she subtly sniffes at her skin.

“What else can you do?” The agent asks curiously.

\--

They spend a long time like that, spread on the bed and talking quietly to eachother. Lena feels like a burden has been released from her shoulders, knowing that both Danvers sisters still accept her.

Eventually, Alex has to leave, because _I’m an agent, Lena. I can’t just relax on your bed and have deep talks all day. Even if I really want to._

So Lena listens as Alex’s footsteps become faded with the more distance she puts between them. After a few minutes of being unable to listen to them, they come back, this time a lot heavier and faster than Alex usually walks.

Lena looks around in confusion, thinking that maybe Alex forgot something she needed in here and came back to get it. But whatever it is, she can’t find it.

Then, the door outside her cell opens, and Alex is not the one who crosses the doorway. In her place is Mon-El, looking determined. For what, Lena doesn’t know, and she’s not thrilled to find out.

He stomps his away to the inside of her cell, only stopping once he is barely 4 feet away from her. He has a poutish snarl in his face as he looks down on her, squaring his shoulders and making himself look tall and gracious in front of her. But Lena doesn’t back down, eyeing him curiously but with the same body posture, not allowing herself to look small in front of someone like him.

“So, you still aren’t done with your lies?” He asks, curtly and with a low voice, almost as if he intended to intimidate her. She scoffs mentally, as if.

“What are you talking about?” She answers just as curtly, not having the patience to deal with his insecurities and inoffensive threats.

“I’m talking about you, manipulating everyone in here to think you’re innocent. But I see you for what you really are.”

“Oh yeah? And what is it that you think I am?” There’s a challenge in her voice, and he recognizes it.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not as good as everyone thinks you are.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’re trying to take Kara away from me!” He shouts, accusatory and desperate, and Lena almost recoil from the intensity of his words.

“I am not trying to do that. You’re the one who’s driving her away.” She answers calmly.

“Don’t lie to me.” He steps closer to her, pointing his finger in her direction. She doesn’t feel threatened.

“I’m not lying to you, and we both know it. You’re so keen on exposing me that you’re actually exposing yourself.” He unexpectedly deflates at that, and that was not Lena’s intention. She’s taken aback by his next words.

“I can’t stop being selfish.” He slips in the glass wall until his behind hits the ground and he sits there, head on his hands and gaze on the floor. “I’m just not a selfless person. I’m not like her.”

She can’t believe the situation she’s in. Can’t believe the words that are coming out of her mouth. She sighs.

“You know, there are people who are naturally altruistic. People who don’t have to think at all before sacrificing themselves. They don’t ponder the consequences of their actions, they just do what they think is right.”

She comes next to him and sits on the ground beside him. Keeping some distance between them and her eyes focused on the opposite wall, she continues.

“But that doesn’t mean they deserve a bigger reward than those who have to put an effort to battle their instincts and do the right thing.” She sees him raise his head to look at her in her peripheral vision.

“If you really think you’re selfish, just try to be selfless for your own merit.” She looks at him now, seeing a grateful smile on his lips.

“Thank you, Lena. I- I think you’re right.” He sighs. “I think that sometimes I’m so scared of loosing the ones I love all over again, that I forget how to keep them.”

“You’ll never lose Kara. She’s one of those people who’ll stand by you no matter how angry she is.” Lena says, a loving smile tugging at her lips.

“She really is. I know I don’t deserve her, but she feels like everything I need.”

Lena can’t really argue with that. That’s basically how she feels as well.

“Then maybe you should start being everything she needs as well.”

She can’t help but think that maybe she shouldn’t give dating advice to the man who’s dating the woman she wants, that she loves. But then, Kara loves him, and she just wants what’s best for her, so she supposes the least she can do is help him measure up.

They don’t speak much after that. It seems they’ve reached a consensus and she’s not gonna say anything to disturb this peace.

Eventually he’s called away in his comms. 

She just lays there, revising everything and enjoying the silence in her room.

* * *

 

“ _Thank you.” She says, still panicking and breathing heavily, eyes focused on the now burnt lab, reliving the events in her mind._

_“It’s not a problem.” Superman says, hands on his hips in a posture that exhales power and control. Lena almost envies it. “Do you know who did this?”_

_Yes, my brother, she thinks. Thinks but doesn’t say._

_“No, I don’t. But, uhm, we were really close to a breakthrough so maybe it was just some competitor.” She knows her heart is racing with the lie, but hopes the caped man will assume it’s because of the adrenaline._

_He’s head is tilted and he seems to be considering it._

_“OK, miss..?” There’s a certain charm to the Man of Steel, behind his self-righteousness, almost like pure politeness._

_“Lena. Lena Luthor.” She really shouldn’t have said it, she doesn’t want to make an enemy out of Superman himself, but she can’t help but think being frontal is the best corse of action to regain some trust from the hero._

_His eyes widen at that, then narrow just as fast, trying to read Lena. She’s not put back by this, looking him right back in the eye unwavering._

_“Did your brother do this to you?”_

_“Of course not. How could he, he’s in prison.” She says, matter of factly but they both seem to have caught her lie._

_“I can protect you, if you want.”_

_“Protect me or keep an eye on me?”_

_“Both.” He doesn’t miss a bit, and maybe it’s this honesty that made Lex dislike him at first, or the assured way he says them, knowing he’s not going to suffer from them._

_“Thank you, but no thank you, Superman.” She says. She can’t help but admire him for the same reasons Lex hated him._

_He simply nods before she walks away._

* * *

 Lena's is sitting in her bed, hours later, reading a book Alex left her in-between coming to the DEO and leaving again to apprehend some alien. She still feels tired, and a little bit crushed despite everyone's reassurances, so reading is a welcome distraction despite the way the lines keep blurring together due to the tiredness of her eyes. 

That's how Kara finds her, later, still in her Supergirl clothes and apperently Supergirl's pose, because Lena is sure she only walks this straight when she's dressed as the hero. But the straightness of her back only lasts until Kara sees her, and relief seems to fill her although he looks tired as she makes her way inside her cell. 

"I just got back from handling this huge alien with huge horns coming out of his hands and I'm so tired. Then there was this conversation with Mike and - just nevernind. How are you feeling?" 

The words come out of her mouth so fast Lena is unsure if she should be amused or worried. She settles on both. 

"I'm feeling better. How are you feeling?" She hopes Kara can see the sincere concern in her eyes as they connect their gazes.

Kara sigh, tired, but she manages a small smile at Lena. "I'm okay." She's still standing in front of Lena's bed, hands on her hips although her face is soft and vulnerable. She smirks then, and Lena doesn't think she can handle the devilish smile of Kara Danvers. "I see you've put some clothes on."

Lena blushes, embarrassingly breaking eye contact and focusing on twisting her fingers on her lap. Kara laughs before sitting next to her, back against the wall. 

"Yes, well, I'd much rather still be wearing your cape, but Alex wouldn't allow it." Kara laughs again, soft and free. Lena turns to look at her, hoping her face conveys the same content and vulnerability. 

Lena studies her, silently. Notices the tired lines on her face, the residues in her hair that Lena moves to retrieve. It's with her hand on Kara's hair, distracted with its softness after removing the remmants of her super-heroing that she speaks her next words. 

"Do you like being Supergirl?" 

Kara looks at her, thinking. "Yes." She says. Then she stops again. "Most of the time. Because there are times where it feels like too much for me to handle. Too much responsibility." 

"You don't have to face everything on your own. You have your friends."

Kara looks at her, the infamous glint in her eyes is back, and Lena still doesn't know what to make of it, but she's hooked. 

"Yeah. I'm starting to see that now." She yawns then, long and deep enough to bring tears to her eyes, and Lena chuckles. She directs Kara's head to her lap. 

Kara looks up at her, confused but thankful, and she's about to speak when Lena interrupts her. 

"Sleep, you need it." Her hands are still in her hair, running through it, removing all the tangles. Kara sighs before closing her eyes and encircling Lena's hips with her arms. 

. 

She’s released from the DEO after she and J’onn discuss her condition.

(“I think it’s time for you to leave this cell. You’re clearly not a threat.”

“I don’t know, J’onn…”

“You’ll leave, but you have to comeback to run some tests with agent Danvers everyday, to make sure you’re okay and to help you understand yourself better.”

He must hear her trepidation at that, because he’s quick to reassure. “I promise you, I won’t let anyone take advantage of you. We’ll even sign a contract.”)

So she goes home after that, catches up on work after calling Jess to assure her she’s completely fine and could she please send her the files she asked half an hour ago before Jess started panicking.

She’s so engolfed in her work she almost misses the knock on her door. She opens it to find an apologetic Maggie Swayer standing on the other side.

“Lena Luthor, you’re under arrest for aiding your mother Lillian Luthor in her escape of prison.”

“Oh, _fuck_ me.”

 


	12. Chapter 12

Staring at the dirty walls of her cell isn't nearly as soothing as looking the walls of her office or apartment. There her mind could easily drift off from present time and run after possibilities and impossibilities, distracting her from the ever-present knowledge of how heavy her own personal world is. She knows that's an egotistical thought, there are so many beings who have it so much worse than her - those who lost their entire worlds and people they loved with it; those who are hunted everyday by earthling's xenophobic acts. And her selfisheness does come with guilt, although rationally she knows no one's suffering, no matter how seemingly  _worse_ it is, should ever mean hers is unacceptable. Rationally, she knows it. Emotionally, not so much.

You could also say Lena is a very emotional person. From someone who  _feeds_ off feelings and the impredictability that follows them - because it really is hard to do the logic thing when you care so much of the consequences, or the predecents, or the people who are envolved - it's no surprise she's a bit unbalanced once she transforms into a being who doesn't _think_ , just  _feels._

But staring at the walls of her cell, boringly counting the holes and moles that paint the surface as something that transmits disgust and mediocrity, she can't help but note how empty her chest feels. How even her tongue feels weightless and her throat clear, her eyes relieved with the burning. And it's concerning - not in a way where her insides would sway with anxiousness, but in a way where she can't help but think she should try and figure it out in her mind. She knows this is dangerous.

Boredom and indifference make her thoughts drift.

Why is her life so horrible? She must have been a really bad person in a previous life to deserve this. Maybe she was Hitler, and if that’s the case she probably shouldn’t be complaining if this is her punishment.

She’s laying on the cell bed. It’s been three days since she was arrested and she just wants to go home. She sometimes finds herself counting down how many seconds it’ll be until J’onn can  _officially_ get her out of here, but it doesn’t seem to be anytime soon.

She wants to see Kara. All of her friends. God, even  _Mike._ Being locked in here isn’t nearly as fun as it is at the DEO. 

And the toilet in her cell is just awful. She doesn’t really want to think how many people have used it after it was cleaned. If it was cleaned at _all._

So, she thinks she has a right to be annoyed. She’s lonely, her bladder is so full it’s painful and she just _wants_ to go _home._

She hopes the noise she hears just outside of her cell, what she assumes is a body thrown to the floor, is the answer to all her prayers. But deep down she knows it isn't. After all she doesn't have such good luck. And even if she did, J'onn would never allow them to  _break her out_ of prison, even if she's sure Kara has tried to convince him to.

There’s a huge noise that disorients her as the wall of her cell is blown away and sure enough there is J’oon.

After her ears stop ringing and she’s able to focus on him, the smile on her lips quickly freezes and slowly morphs into a snarl. He looks like J’onn but it surely isn’t him. Like she thought, no good luck for her.

“Hi Hank, what a pleasant surprise…” Her voice is monotone and her face must be as blank as she feels because she swears she sees Hank trying to mimic her. Honestly she’s just tired of all of this kidnapping and rescuing. Just give her a break.

“Shut up, Luthor."

“God, no wonder you’re pals with my mother. I mean, is rudeness a requisition to screw her? I would’ve never guessed.”

“Whatch your dirty mouth, Lena.” She thinks she hears Lillian hiss angrily in the device in his ear, and her amusement just rises immensely.

She doesn’t answer. Instead stays put on her cell and waits as he rips the door of it open. He steps towards her, and she just smiles, relaxed, leaving him confused. Honestly she’s just waiting. She can sense Kara’s smell from miles away and she knows she’s on her way alongside J’onn.

Like she predicted, they stepped inside her cell seconds later. She really hopes patience is one of Hank's numerous traits, because she sees him smile after aknowledging their presence. She knows her mother planned something for this predictable encounter.

What is not predictable though was Kara’s shout - Lena wasn't expecting to happen at that exact moment as she looks her in the eyes, sees the wrinkles in Kara's forehead relaxing as she looks at Lena. Didn’t predict J’onn crouching next to her and whispering _kryptonite_ to Lena. She looks around the room, trying to identify the source, only to find it in the devil's pawn himself, tightly wrapped around his fingers as he produces the small rock from a compartment in his mechanical arm. Even if Lena's apparently on her  _don't give a fuck_ phase, it doesn't apply to Kara. She gives  _several fucks_ for Kara. Gladly.

Anyway, she expects all this attitude she seems to have, this nonchalance, to be a result of turning. It was almost the same when she was in boarding school. Except then she did feel anger, but decided to face it like it was something  _good_ to feel and act on. Now though, she feels weird. Like seemingly everything isn't as colorful. But the funny thing is it only happened after a few days of being locked in the National City Police Department.

“Gosh, mother, are you really that petty?” She says with an eye roll. “Come on, Henshaw. Better get going.”

She holds out her hand for him and he seems surprised by her actions, though quickly lets it go in favor of holding her hand. She pushes him out of the cell and holds her arms out for him to fly her to her mother’s locations. “Make it quick.” She says, coldly and tired. He produces a blindfold to wrap around her eyes. 

"Lena, don't go with him!" She hears Kara say, between painful and pitiful gasps. The words associated with the panic visible in Kara's eyes, tearful from the pain or perhaps fear for the antecipation of Lena's departure to God knows where. It spikes a pang in Lena's chest that steals her breath for a few seconds, but then Hank pulls her into his too tight gasp and it's all gone, even if the image still haunts her mind.

It’s not too long until they make it there, and soon enough she can see her snake of a mother standing in the middle of a warehouse. She just wants to go home and _eat_ and _shower_ and _sleep_ and _pee._

 _"_ Aren't you tired of this?" Lena asks, as Henshaw sits her on a chair close to Lillian and ties her there. She feels her wrists and ankles burn on the places the rope touches her skin.

"I wil never get tired of seeing you miserable."

"I meant if you don't get tired of failing."

She knows why Lillian is doing this. She even understands. She knows how it must  _feel_ like it's Lena's fault, because God forbid Lillian manages to use her inteligence for something that isn't mass murder or manipulation tactics, enough to see her own part in destroying everything around her. It's easier to blame others instead of recongnizing her own guilt and living with it, knowing her loved ones, the few there are, are gone because she didn't do  _enough._

That isn't to say Lena didn't feel guilty as well. She did. Lex turned into a deranged man and she can't help but think that she could've done more to help him. She remembers the visits to the lab becoming more and more distanct until they became frequent enough for her to see the feverish coldness her brother seemed to leak. There was something cool about his attitudes, apparently calculated and objective, but Lena always knew that below it all rested waves and waves of rage yet to be released. But she was too busy surviving, too busy escaping her own misery to even think about the brother she loved, who clearly didn't love her. Actually wanted her dead. It's hyprocritical now, but sometimes she catches herself thinking that she'd give her soul to have the old Lex back, for his sake and for all humanity.

But Lillian's different. Where Lex's anger had been hidden until it couldn't help but be let out, Lillian's is palpable with every decision she makes, every word she directs at Lena.

"Someone is awfully sarcastic today. Are you trying something new for your last words?"

"No such thing as last words. I'll have plenty to say to the police when they come to pick you up."

"If you make it that far." Lillian smirks. Lena can't stop the flash of Lex and his murderous smile that comes to her mind.

"I'm pretty confident I will. I mean, your partner can't even tie ropes correctly." She raises an eyebrow as she wiggles the fingers of her right hand.

She keeps her eyes trained on Lillian as she glares at a confused looking Henshaw before stepping close to Lena, intending on tightening the rope. Lena doesn't wait a second to headbutt her as soon as she's close enough, and she can't help but think she'll die happy. She's wanted to do it for  _years._

"You bitch!" Lillian says, removing her hand from her head where Lena's sure will be swollen in a few moments.

Lena is still amused despite the pain  in the spot above her eyebrow that collided with Lillian's head. Despite Henshaw rushing towards her and very effectively silencing her laugh with a punch to the mouth that draws blood, that Lena spits in her mom's very expensive shoes.

"Honestly it was still worth it."

"God, you clearly are an animal." 

"Now that that's all out of the way, care to tell why we're here?"

Lillian is nothing but calculating, and Lena can't help but think of Kara. "Well, since after the exposal to your friends nothing really changed, I've decided to be a little more... open minded... to bigger audiences."

Henshaw moves to set a camera tripod in front of Lena. She knows what's about to happen. 

Lena lets out a bellied laugh, head thrown back as she laughs uncontrollably, almost wheezing.

She knows Lillian will not appreciate it. It makes her laugh harder.

"Why are you laughing?" Her eyebrows are drawned together and there's hard lines around her mouth, proving the older woman's frustration. It gets harder to stop.

She takes a deep breath and blinks her eyes to relieve them of the tears that didn't manage to fall.

"I just thinking it's funny how you still believe I'm the reason you're miserable."

"I've told you before. You took everything from me."

"I really don't think so. I mean, you were a crappy mother and your son turned into a psycotic son of a bitch. And your marriage was a joke, we both know it." It's a lie, and Lillian is nothing but a master at catching Lena's lies, always was during her childhood. So she expects Lillian to call her bluff.

She wasn't expecting the blow Lillian delivers to her cheek, nor the cut one of her rings leaves behind.  _Right, sore topic._

"I must say I'm proud of you. You weren't one to get your hands dirty." Lena says, staring at Lillian's eyes with a look of mild apreciation.

"You don't know anything about me." She's quick to respond.

The CEO only rolls her eyes in response.

* * *

_After the lab explosion things seemed to calm down. Lex hadn't attempted to kill her again, and Lena half expects it to be because of the Man Of Steel himself. She knows her brother moved facilities with Superman trailing close behind to make sure he didn't escape. Remembers seeing in the news the hero shaking hands with the prison's director alongside FBI personel._

_She lives her life on the low. Tries as much as possible to not gain any attention from unwanted forces, mostly because of her secret but she doesn't expect the news of another Luthor just walking around town would be well received by the public, except maybe Lex's supporters. And the combination of both being discovered, the public knowledge of a Luthor with this kind of power seems to be more than enough incentive to stay in the shadows of her family._

_She doesn't have friends, other than Jack; and she's not even sure that they_ are  _friends. Most of the time they seem to be tiptoing around the invisibe line between friendship and something_ more.  _He knows who she is, or rather who her family is, but he doesn't seem to be unfazed by it. She sometimes thinks that it's her last name that he actually is interested in, but she'll take what she can get. She knows how much she's worth, even if she thinks it's not that much, and would never change her morals or agree with her brother's for anyone, not even Jack._

_It's a surprise to say the least when she sees on the news that Luthor Corp is being sold after Lillian Luthor decided she wanted nothing to do with it._

_She knows how much Lionel means to her. Even imagines he meant something for Lillian once too, despite the woman's apparent cold demeanor. It's a shame to see her walk away from somethiing he put so much care into. His legacy. His life's work. Even if Lex apparently wrecked it._ _She's mostly sad that all of it will go to waste. But it's not like she can actually do anything about it._

_It's two weeks later that she changes her mind._

_Once again she sees on the news that Luthor Corp is being sold. She's definetly not pleased to know that Morgan Edge, known as an ultimate corrupt businessman with no morals despite the one's that benefit him, is trying to buy it and make it a subsidiary of Edge Industries._

_"You know, you're a Luthor. You are the legitimate heir of the company." Jack says to her, after she hesitantly explains him what's been plaguing her tohughts lately. After she explains why she doubles her efforts to avoid him more than usual. She definetly doesn't say it's because all this is conflicting her enough to rise her inner self. "You're smart, and capable. I'm sure you'd be a much better CEO than Edge." He says, trying to be subtly persuasive, as not to show how much he wants Lena to finally take advantage of her legacy._

_Nevertheless she thinks about it._

_She doesn't know if she should risk her relative anonymity . If Luthor Corp after all the lows it's been faced is destined to fail despite her best efforts to make it survive. If people will be open to her, open to her last name, or their animosity towards her will also be an obstacle to success._

_No one knows her. Her adoptive parents made sure of that. Sending her to boarding schools outside of the country where thry paid high amounts of money to make sure her upbringing is unnoticed. Not alowing her to leave the house, and later the lab, so that the press won't ask any questions._

_Can she really hide in plain sight? Could she make herself appear so open that people won't look for more than she shows? Can she manage that kind of control? She knows the answer is no._

_In the end, it's Lionel and the knowledge of everything he did for her that makes her rash. It's the thankfulness she thinks he deserves that pushes her to an unbelievingly dumb decision that she's sure she'll regret._

_It's barely one week later that she makes her way to Luthor Corp to take her righteous place._

_It doesn't take long before all the burocracy is dealt with and Lena is internally assumed to be the new, righteous CEO of Luthor Corp, although all her board members decide the news should not break out to the press as of yet, allowing people to calm down after everything Lex did._

_I'm the meantime, she busies herself with finding potential business partners, mending relationships with older ones. She's reading some old files on Luthor Corp's past deals that she stumbles upon the knowledge of one of Lex's side projects. Terrified with what she knows she will find, Lena moves to the labs far below on the building, in search for the item currently plaguing her mind. Once she finds it, her breath is knocked out of her lungs._

_On her hands rests a small vial, with a yellowish liquid inside. Her insides churn with recognition, both from Lionel's devotion to it, and Lex's ensuing use of it._

_It's the serum her father invented._

_Her first instinct is to destroy it, after all it's a result of her own suffering. But she hesitantly decides to keep it. She stores it away from prying hands though, aware of the consequence it might bring if it falls on the wrong hands once again. She figures that maybe she can use it for medical reasons. After all her own imune system is impeccable, as well as her regeneration._

_It's a month after that, after she settled on her new office, learned as much as she needed about the company and the state it's in, that she decides to quell the numerous rumours that have started rewarding the new CEO of Luthor Corp._

_There's countless reporters, journalists, and photographers outside the front doors of her company's building. Behind the barrier the media makes there is a crowd of people, simply curious as who the new heir is, if it's a source of concern to the city. It overwhelms her, the voices, the camera flashes, all the atention she knows she's seconds away from attracting. She touches her mother's necklace hanging from her neck with reverance._

_"It's time, Miss Luthor." Her new assistant Jess, she thinks, says._

_She takes a deep breath and walks as calmly as people can assume towards the microphone placed in front of everyone._

_"Hello everyone. I'm Lena Luthor, and I'm the new CEO of Luthor Corp."_

* * *

"Don't you think I should redo my makeup before appearing on national TV?"

"Will you just shut up already." 

Henshaw is connecting every wire there is to connect - microphones, chargers, HDMI cables. Lillian is busy typing on her computer, probably setting everything up to transmit Lena's video live on every interface possible.

"We're ready to stream." Lillian says after minutes of silently working.

Meanwhile Lena is definetly less excited than her. She knows she can play this to her advantage for a few moments, but really for how long? She doesn't have time to think about it anymore as Lillian comes to stand beside her chair, chin held high and glorious despite the bruise in the forehead Lena gave her. Henshaw is stood behind the camera and sends a nod in the older woman's direction after making sure it's recording.

"Hello citizens of National City and beyond. I'm Lillian Luthor as most of you well know and I'm her with my dearest daughter Lena. We have a surprise for you today, dont we, Lena?"

She smiles, putting on a small show intent on burning some time. "Yes, we do. Let me jusk ask you mother, did you have to choose the set to be so close to the sea? I'm freezing." She really hopes they  _get it._

Lillian surely does, if the warning glare she sends her is any indication. "Yes I did. Anyway -"

"And I mean, only a 15 minutes trip? That was a good deal you got." 

This time she doesn't get a glare, this time all she gets is a smirk from Lilllian as she walks away to retrieve something from her bag. When she gets it and is standing next to Lena once more, holding a drop-dispersing bottle above her head.

She knows what the liquid is before it even conects with her forehead and burns her skin in between her eyes, towards the bridge of her nose. She doesn't scream or hiss, not willing to show any pain, though it's litterally burning her skin.

"Is this incentive enough to keep you quiet?"

She keeps her eyes closed, counting the time on her head until it stops burning as her so called mother delivers her  _moving_ speech to whoever is watching this all over National City. She feels a touch on her shoulder.

She opens her eyes.

"Shall we, Lena?"

"Shall we what?"

Lillian sighs, frustrated. "You know what you have to do."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

Lena stares at her like she's dumb, purposefully, because she knows how it will get under the older woman's nerves. "Because of the ropes?" She asks, sarcastically.

Her mother scoffs. "I'm not taking those off."

"Well then I guess we've reached an impasse."

They stare at eachother, their connected gazes sending messages to each other. Lillian's screams  _hate_ and  _fury_ while Lena's is pure  _indifference._

She's thankful that she seems to be void of emotions lately. She's sure that if she had them, she'd feel so much anger at Lillian and guilt for herself, enough that it would trigger her to turn. Wich would be definetly torturous with the ropes so tight on her skin that seem to be leaking wolfsbane from the pressure and it's being absorved by her skin and it  _hurts._

"Don't try and fool me. We both know that isn't nearly enough to stop you." Her so-called-mother must still remember the incident in the AcoLab, where Lena, despite the aconitum being dispersed into the air, still managed to reveal her hybrid form.

"I'm being honest,  _mother."_ She stresses the word with a pinted look towards the camera, almost daring her to retort.

"I am not your mother." She says through gritted teeth. "And you will do as I say if you want your Super Girl Scout friend to remain unharmed."

There's a fleeting pang again at the mention of Kara's name plus the warning in Lillian's words, but it's gone in a second and it isn't nearly enough to awaken herself.

"I swear if you hurt her, I will personaly make sure to put you back in the hole you crawled away from, but this time you won't have the healthiness to escape."

Lillian gasps, dramatically pressing a hand to her chest with a smirk on her lips. "My, Lena, are you threatning me?"

"See everyone? Lillian's feeling threatned already. I bet Lex couldn't achieve that." She says, towards the camera. She hopes her relaxed atittude isn't a cause of alarm for anyone who's watching, but she's distanctly aware that she is a Luthor, so she'll probably face a lot of criticism for this as well.

"Your dity mouth isn't dignified enough for Lex Luthor's name."

Lena rolls her eyes. "No one's mouth should ever release Lex's name. He's like Voldemort, but even more deranged."

She's met with another blow to her already sensitive cheek, and she really doesn't think her response was enough to provoke this. "Was this really necessary?"

"You talk of your brother as if you think he didn't have any ounce of inteligence. He was brilliant. Are you really so naive to think the Supers can't possibly turn against humanity? They have so much power and so much freedom that all they need is almost only to wish for it and we're all dead."

"I'm not stupid, mother. I understand that the only thing separating devastation and salvation in this city is Supergirl's might. So I also know how much of a threat she could be if she ever changed her morals, which I don't believe she'd consciously do. So I do think we should be prepared; we should learn to fight for ourselves. But that doesn't mean we should  _eliminate_ them. You can't just kill people based on what they could be. You need to consider what they are, and Suprgirl is undeniably good. Would you have killed Lex if you had known how many people would die on his hands? As you're so keen on saving humans."

Lillian stops, fidgeting all at once, and then she answers reluctancly, unsure of her own response. "It was only colateral damage."

"So these heros that struggle everyday to save us, sometimes risking their own lives, should be killed because of their power and the hypothetical damage they migt cause to mankind, but Lex, who was stupid and inresponsible in his own pursuit for power, who killed thousand of people, should be excused." She sighs, eyes trained on her mother's, releasing her disappointment in her gaze. "You're just an irrational mother grieving. You have no business in trying to save the world when you couldn't even save your son, if given the chance."

Lillian is a Luthor. And Luthors don't show weakness. That explains her quick movements to open the bottle and quickly dispersing all the liquid inside in Lena's face.

It's a distraction technique, and Lena finds it very distracting. 

Lena is hit with the burning pain, for barely 10 seconds, and she screams. Loud. But then it stops, probably because it corroded all her deepest nerves, but the burning smell keeps intensifying and its disgusting. It invades her nostrils and she can't not focus on it, and it leads her to images of her skin melting. She opens her eyes to check, only to see nothing at all. She whimpers, disturbed, and hearing Lillian's self satisfied chuckle doesn't help. She feels the pain now spreading through her whole body, after invading her blood stream, and she can't help but slip into a state of unconsciousness her body clearly craves, if the heaviness of her limbs and the foginess of her brain is anything to go by.

She comes back to it several times afterwards, although it doesn't last long until she gives in to the tiredness again.

She remembers hearing the explosion, followed by several footsteps. Remembers hearing Kara's voice, thick with something Lena vaguely recognizes as rage. Remembers hearing punches being delivered. Remembers J'onn and Alex's voices as she stops feeling the tight ropes on her skin. 

She's aware of "Kara, calm down. I know you're angry, but dont do anything you'll regret." being said by Alex. Aware of Lillian's whimper as what she thinks is her body hits the ground.

Next there are arms around her body, tight but not suffocating, and a too fast heartbeat close to her ears.

"You're going to be okay, Lena. I got you. I love you."

 

* * *

 

“ _How did you meet father?” She asks her mother one day when they’re at the park looking at the clouds._

_The sky looks beautiful, even if the moon is missing. But Lena doesn't mind, despite loving the moonlight because it soothes her, she finds the vivid colors of the sky and the colors of every object reflected by the sunlight simply make her content._

_Lena’s distracted twirling her necklace in her skim fingers while her mother simply looks ahead with an unfocused gaze, lost in her thoughts._

_She turns to look at Lena, blinking, bringing herself back to reality. Then a warm smile settles on her features._

_“His parents were very close to mine. So we grew up together. We were always doing something, in and out of the house. We just got along very well. It felt inevitable that someday we were getting married, and it was.” The look on her face shows how deeply she feels for him, and even an infant like Lena can see that._

_“How did you know you wanted to be with him forever? It seems like a long time.”_

_Her mother laughs. Not mockingly, but softly. “Because it’s different for us. Once you find the one person you love who loves you back in the same crazy amount, it’s for life. You can’t be separated, and if you are, you won’t be able to access your power. You'll be empty. Because you lost your mate.”_

_“Mate?” Lena asks, curious and hopeful._

_Her mother laughs again. “You’ll know when you find yours. And I’ll be there to help you understand better.”_

_Lena remains quiet. Thinking her next words before she dares speaking them._

_“I wish I could spend a little more time with dad.”_

_Her mother’s eyes become glassy, and she hugs her daughter tightly._

_“I know you do, darling. So do I. The only reason I don't feel empty is you." She holds Lena tighter.  "Bu_ _t someone’s gotta take care of the family.”_

_“I know. Someday it’ll be me protecting you both, so that you don't feel empty ever again.”_

_The only response she gets is a kiss in the crown of her head._

 


	13. Chapter 13

Her eyes open several times, although she'd never say she's awake. She can't really absorb anything she sees, and if she does it's only small intervals of time. Just small gestures or sensations that stuck to her brain and burned themselves into her memory. 

For example, she remembers opening her eyes and finding Kara's crying face so close to hers but reaching her arm towards her seems impossible with the weight of it. Her eyes close again. 

Next time it's Alex's voice, though what she says is unclear. She's vaguely aware of a pressure that was on her left hand that she didn't even realize was there until it was being removed, and she instantly misses it.

There's different smells coming in and out of the room, and sometimes she almost believes she smells specific _emotions,_ like distress and sadness.

The next time she becomes barely aware of her surroundings, she's sure she's permanently waking up. There's something telling in the way her mind doesn't seem as blank and dense anymore, even if her thoughts are slow, and they don't even make sense to her in all the foginess of her brain. She starts remembering the events of what she thinks is last night, although she's not sure of how much time has really passed.

As she relieves it in her mind, she notices that she still feels the same. That is to say she apparently still doesn't feel at all. 

She forces her eyes open, repeating  _please let me see, please let me see_ in her mind like a mantra. When she opens them, she finds out she is able to see, althou there are white spots on her vision. She brings her hands to her face, also praying not to touch her own flesh, but all her fingers encounter is some kind of big band-aid enclosuring her skin.

"Oh, you're awake!"

Lena quickly turns to the voice, heart accelerating in the unexpectedness of not being alone, and surprised to find the person who it belongs to sitting there with a smile.

"How long have I been out?" She asks, afraid of the answer.

"For three days, actually. We were all pretty worried you weren't gonna make it, but then on the second day you started healing. Slowly, but still."

"Where's Lillian?" 

"She and Henshaw escaped."

She nods, trying to make sense of it in her mind, but it's all very hazy. She's vaguely aware she should feel anger and disappointment. 

"Where's everyone else?"

"There was an emergency out of town, they left barely an hour ago so I'm not sure they'll be back so soon."

"Why did you stay then?"

Mike rubs his neck, sheepish smile in his lips. Lena doesn't find it annoying now, and she's thankful for that. 

"The thing is, the aliens - they're here looking for me. So J'onn thought it was better if I stayed back. Besides, this way you wouldn't be alone, when you woke up." He finishes with a beaming smile. Lena laughs.

"Why are they looking for you, anyway?"

"Well, I was actually the prince of my planet, also one of the few survivors. And, well, Daxam doesn't have the best justice system, so they're kinda looking for revenge after being wrongly imprisoned."

His eyes look sad then, the weight of loosing his planet, his life, weighting him down. Lena thinks it's an incredibly lonely look he has. She reaches out her hand to touch his, trying to offer what she thinks he needs, reassurance.

"Did you have anything to do with that? The political aspects, I mean."

"No!" His eyes adquire a certain a certain steel that makes Lena sure that he must have something in him that could make him a hero. "I never payed any mind to how Daxam was being ruled. I was too busy enjoying life, partying." He's bitter, of himself, as he says it. "I didn't even realize how bad it was until these guys came here and shouted it at my face and now it's like, the illusion is destroyed and I can see everything from a different light."

Its clear how much this new reveal is eating away at him, in the way his shoulder are hunched, neck bent down and eyes downcast. He looks small and defeated. Lena decides she doesn't like it. 

When he finally looks at her, eyes sad, and the way he blinks fast makes her think he might be getting emotional and teary. 

She moves to the right, and pats the spot beside her. She doesn't really feel empathy right now, simply thinks this must be the right thing to do. He looks surprised himself, but then he smiles, still sad if a little bit relieved, and moves to sit beside Lena.

He smiles at her, even if it's a small smile, and she knows he's thankful. 

He settles beside her, back against the iron headboard of the standard DEO medical bed. He's warm, like Kara, even if Kara's warmth comes from her body heat and her loving personality, while his is only due to daxamite's physiology. She welcomes it though. 

"I think the fact you are able to recognize your planet's faults and actually regret that they exited shows that there's some hope that you'd at least try your best to make it better, once you became king." She settles, moments later after thinking the best to say. 

"It seems useless to think about it now. It's all gone." She hears him sniff. 

Without thinking she moves to lay her head on his shoulder, offering as much comfort as she can as he's clearly feeling distressed. She knows that barely a week ago Lena would be laughing if someone said she'd be offering any kind of comfort to Mike of all people, but she supposes this unemotional state works both ways - eliminating the positive and the negative feelings. 

"I'm really sorry." She says. "But I think that despite everything you have a second chance now. Here. And you should take advantage of it."

He murmurs, clearly distracted thinking Lena's words in his head. "Do you think I could be a hero, like Kara?" 

Lena bites her lip, in thought. "I think... That it's all matter of how much you want to be one. You have the means to be one, conditions very few have. But there are other ways to make a difference besides the frontlines."

He moves his arm around her shoulders, hand settling on Lena's upper arm and squeezing, briefly. 

"I think I want to be one. Yeah. I'm going to be one." There's conviction in his words, and if Lena could she knows she would've felt some pride in it. 

"Also..." He swallows, seemingly shy. "Do you think it's possible for us to be friends?" He asks, rushing, almost as if desperate for the words to come out of his mouth best he swallows them again. 

She tenses, moves back to look at him, surprised. It must send him the wrong signal because he talks again. 

"I know I was a really mean person to you. And I know you probably hate me. And that you think I'm a bad guy. But - actually now that I think of it there's no buts that outwheight that. Just forget it -" 

"Mike, stop!" She laughs, finding his rambe quite amusing. "Yes, I'd like to be your friend."

She hears him sigh in relief, pulling her head to his shoulder again with a push in her arm. 

"It's Mon-El, actually. My name."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hm. I like Mike better, so Mike it is."

They both laugh at that, quietly as to not disturb the silence the DEO is surrounded in. 

"You know..." He says, "I'm really sorry, for all the things I've said to you. I was wrong... And you're nothing like Lillian said."

Once again, he's surprised her in several ways today. She sees him in a different light now. Where she assumed all his boldness came from his childish, spoiled personality, she can now see that it's due to his fear of being alone again. She knows he only really has Kara, and Winn perhaps. Losing Kara means losing Winn, due to the man's loyalty to her. And Alex and Maggie have told Lena numerous times, discretely or not, that they didn't really like him. She realizes how much lonely he still must feel. 

"Yes well, I was wrong about you too. This talk has really changed my mind." 

He chuckles, hand on her upper arm, holding her upright because she isn't strong enough to do it herself right now.

"Maybe you weren't. But I'm trying, to be selfless, like you said. I guess it's working for me." He says with a smile and a pointed look at her, and she laughs at how funny his face looks at the moment.

"I'm glad. I'm sure Kara is glad too." Once again there's the fleeting pang in her chest, perhaps from jealously. But it's gone as soon as it came.

He sighs, deep. "Yes, I hope things work out for you two."

She frowns, moves her head back to look him in the eyes, confused. 

He must see it in her eyes, the confusion, because he explains it, although the confused look is still settled around his eyes. "After our talk, I realized what being selfless with Kara really meant. So we talked and we broke up. It was amicable though, I know how she feels for you. It's fine."

She's still confused, as to why Kara wouldn't tell her. Even Mike seemed to think she already knew.

"I didn't. I mean, I didn't know." She swallows, a pang of anger on her chest before it's gone again.

"I'm sure there's a reason she didn't tell you." He says, and pulls his arm in her arm tighter towards him, pushing her head to his shoulder again.

Lena's head is tired now, even if their conversation was short it was deep and her eyes feel too heavy suddenly. She closes them, inhales Mike's body heat and surrenders herself to sleep. 

. 

 "Lena, wake up."

She groans lowly, voice deep and rusty with sleep, and tries to bury her head even deeper into her pillow.

There's a chuckle above her, and the words are repeat but this time with a gentle squeeze to her shoulder accompanying them.

She opens her eyes reluctantly, only to find that her pillow wasn't really a pillow, but was actually Mon-El's chest. She chuckles at the absurdity of it all, from the friendship to the apparent cuddling.

She lifts her head, finally hearing shuffling from the other side of the room. There's Kara, Alex, Maggie, J'onn, Winn and even James there, all looking at her and Mon-El with the same surprised face. Eyes wide, mouths slightly parted, almost frozen in place. She thinks if she were to find herself in the same position she'd be the same.

"This is so weird and unexpected." Alex says, still on her reverie.

She moves further away from him, apologizes for the drool in his shirt but he's quick to brush her apologies away with his typical childish grin, although now Lena finds it contagious enough to copy it as well. They both sit up against the headboard. 

"We're friends now!" He says, excited, and she can't help but laugh.

"Since when?" James asks, unconvinced. 

Mon-El looks at his phone, after retrieving it from his pocket. "Since 4 hours ago!" He's proud as he says it, and Lena reinforces it with a nod.

"Well I certainly wouldn't have guessed it was such a short amount of time by the way you were holding each other." 

Mon-El beams at his words, happy to think that their friendship is so strong after so little time. But Lena hears the upsetting tone in James's voice, and can't help but respond to it. 

"Yes well, I guess it was meant to be." It's her sarcastic response.

Before anyone has a chance to reply, Alex interrupts.

"I'm glad you're finally awake." She says, and moves to push Mon-El out of the bed so that she can briefly sit next to her and kiss her temple. "Are you feeling okay?"

Only then does Lena remember the state she is in. Face bandaged and hair wild.

"Yes, I think I am."

Lena chances a look at Kara, but she's pointedly looking at the ground, jaw locked and fists closed, almost restraining herself. For what, Lena doesn't know. 

"Well the wolfsbane damaged your skin and nerves pretty deeply, but we expected you'd make a full recovery despite that. Yesterday when I changed your bandages I could see you were healing quite quickly considering how burned you were when you first got here, so I think there's no more risk of infection if we remove them now, although there will probably be scar tissue and burned skin as well."

Lena nods. Absorbing the information quickly. 

"Okay, you can do it."

Alex moves closer to her, and she instinctively closes her eyes. She feels the warm tips of her fingers touch her skin lightly before she's taking hold of the addesive tape securing the bandages and slowly removing it, until the four of them are no longer glued to Lena's skin. She pulls the tissue from her skin. 

There are gasps surging in the room, from different people, and Lena doesn't want to open her eyes, despite her own curiosity.

She takes a deep breath, holding it in as someone else settles on her other side and takes her hand. Her senses are still dull from the shower of aconitum, but the - brief- hopeful strike in her chest that it might be Kara makes her finally open her eyes.

She forgets her own face once she finally sees. 

Kara is there, looking at her with sadness but a warm and reassuring smile on her lips. Her beautiful face is so genuine and Lena missed it so much - missed being this close to it, to be able to see her freckles and the specks in her eyes.

She sees herself holding Kara's hand and feels how warm it is, the warmth it brings her whole body. 

Suddenly she's overwhelmed, and she can't look anymore. 

Everything she hasn't felt in this past days comes back with a vengeance, in a rush. It steals her breath, kicks her heart into overdrive, settles in her veins making her feel uncomfortably hot, boiling. 

She knows it's not the threat of her wolf this time that is making her so hot. It's the panic, the desperation, the fear, the  _love_ running wild inside her.

_She can't breathe, she can't breath, she can't breathe._

"Lena, breathe." Alex says, realizing what's happening. "Everyone get out of the room."

She barely hears her, focused on her thoughts, hating herself for being this weak, so suddenly, in front of all her friend.  _Pathetic,_ Lillian would say.

"Focus on my voice, Lena. Come on." She takes her hand and puts it in her own chest. "Can you feel my lungs expande as I breathe? Copy it Lena. I know you can do it."

Lena does. At least she tries. Everything that she once thought was suffocating her seem to release her, her own thoughts abandoning her as she focuses on the beat of Alex's heart. She stays silent there, breathing deeply until she feels she's not emotional enough to break down again, the rush of feelings dissolving.

"Thank you." She says, looking down. Ashamed.

"You have nothing to be thankful of. Now rest for a bit. I'll check on you later." She gets up from the bed and moves towards the door. 

"Wait. Hand me a mirror?"

Alex reluctantly does, but Lena doesn't miss the apologetic smile she sends her way. 

As she takes it in her hands, she slowly holds it up slowly to gain herself sometime before seeing what she looked like.

Her pale face is all red, not swollen but completely filled with burnt, crusted and scarred skin. She looks like she came out from a horror movie. All you can really see as you look at her is her eyes and her teeth, not much else is differentiated. 

She sighs, puts the mirror on the table adjacent to her bed, and tries to sleep.

* * *

_The Luthors have always loved National City. When Lena was still allowed to leave the house, or when she came home for break from school, all their vacations had usually the same destination - National City._

_Lena never really found much appreciation in it. Sure it was a nice city, with interesting buildings and different choices of entertainment, but she never quite managed to see the difference between that city and Metropolis. Both seemed to be the same as other over populated, polluted and noisy districts of the US._

_So no. She never saw the appeal. She much rather leave in a small village, like when she was younger, where the moonlight didn't have to be filtered by thick residue from human activity before hitting her skin. It doesn't feel the same, never quite succeeds in making her feel as stimulated yet so safe and shivering as the one in her memories did._

_The thing that captivates her enough to move her company there is the new hero, Supergirl._

_There's something in the way she holds herself, sure but not God-alike. Untouchable but relatable. Strong but sympathetic. The way she fights and fights without wishing anything in return. And her looks, obviously._

_It's almost the same as Superman, but there's some innocence to her, an unrelenting optimism despite everything she's gone through that shows how much more of a hero she might be._

_It's also the much needed change of scenery from the hate filled streets of Metropolis, where she can't even set foot outside without hearing the whispered and not so whispered insults to her._

_It's barely one week after the move is complete that her mother seems her, for the first time._

_She's in her office and it's late. Late enough to go home, same as all her employees. But there's a pile of work in her desk that she can't seem to let herself delay until tomorrow._

_She waltz in like she owns the place._

_"Lena. I see you've acquainted yourself enough with the power of running a company that you're already making foolish decisions."_

_Lena sighs, not looking forward to this talk at all. "Hello to you too, Lillian. Remind me again of how this is a foolish decision."_

_"When I heard you were moving the company I was actually quite relieved but then I find out that out of all the cities, all the states, you had to move to the one where the other Super is."_

_"We both know the Supers aren't a threat."_

_Lillian scoffs. "What Superman did to your brother should help you see how wrong you are."_

_"And what did he do to Lex?" She sighs._

_Lillian is surprised, eyes wide as if the answer is obvious. "He's in jail, Lena. Although you already know it after you helped put him there."_

_"There's no one to blame for that beside Lex. He was the one who couldn't handle the pressure and went crazy. Superman only defended himself. I only spoke the facts."_

_The older woman trembles with anger, heart beating wildly as she raises a finger to point at Lena._

_"I've let you take over the company, for I know how it's a lost cause, and I've let you roam around as you wish without associating myself, but don't you think you can speak ill of my son and expect me to listen to it!"_

_"Just listen to me. You can't blame anyone but Lex. He was wrong!" Lena says, her voice raising to match her mother's and slow to convince her, make her see the truth._

_"No! You listen to me! None of you can see the brilliance in him. He did what was necessary, to save us all. And now he's paying for it!" Lillian screams, and it shocks Lena so much to see her acting so unbalance, unlike the way she's usually so cold and collected, for appearances sake. She's bitter that only Lex could accomplish this._

_"No one needed saving! He created a problem in his own head and then tried to fix it, killing many people in the Process. Innocent people!"_

_"Don't be stupid, Lena. No one is really innocent, we're all guilty of something."_

_"They were not guilty of Lex's madness! They didn't deserve to die because of it."_

_"You know, for all the times you said you loved him, you're not really living up to the words. You're so fake, Lena."_

_The words impact her more than she'd like, the truth behind them not going unnoticed by Lena._

_She does love her brother, always has from the moment he smiled at her and reassured everything would be okay after hearing her cry in her bed alone in her room at night. But his actions, the consequences of them, seem to not be deserving of any forgiveness. She wishes he could go back to being the same sweet boy he once was, but thinks he still deserves to pay after what he's done._

_She finds strength in her necklace as she mutters the next words. "Get out of my office before I call security."_

* * *

* * *

 She doesn't sleep. The way she's feeling right now doesn't allow her too. All the rush in her once empty chest energizes her in a way that leaves her tired - her head is full of questions and her gut is permanently being blown by anxiety and discomfort. 

She knows that this time, it's not something she can't blame on Lillian or Lex - anyone at all. It's so much more confusing to try and understand what's happening to her if she doesn't even know the source of it. How can she  _know_ something she doesn't  _comprehend?_ She doesn't work that way. 

So yeah. Lena's confused and upset, and every other adjective referring to her emotional state should be accurate, even if she couldn't possibly pinpoint any of her emotions righ now. That's how messy her head is. 

There's a knock on her door. 

"Hey. We've got some results from the tests we did a while back."

Alex says, as she and J'onn both walk into the room, small smiles on their faces. 

"Where's Kara?" It's the thing she focuses on. 

"She's handling a situation downtown. She should be here any minute now." She says with a knowing smile, similar to the one J'onn is wearing although he hasn't really said anything yet. 

Lena only nods in response. 

"So, first of all - your DNA at first seems pretty normal, but then, after closer inspection, it's really different from human DNA."

"Yeah. I know. My mother said that it was altered by radioactive energy then there was a work of a serum."

"How did Lillian find that out?" Alex says, apparently surprised at her adoptive mother's resourcefulness. 

Lena cringes. Swallows dry. Then "Not Lillian. My biological mother."

Alex recoils altogether, letting her head hang low, shaking it as if reprimanding herself, before apologizing, which Lena quickly waves away. 

"What else do you have?" 

"There was something else that was pretty interesting too."

Lena is relieved for the change of subject, let's out a breath. 

"Do tell." 

"When I was analyzing your blood on the microscope, I realized it was emitting some kind of substance, gaseous. I wasn't able to recognize it."

Lena frowns, not aware of that information at all. She doesn't remember Lionel ever mentioning it, nor seeing it in the blood she did draw and analyze herself. 

"That is actually really weird. I never noticed it."

"It gets weirder." Alex says, apparently unnaware of how much that information has already unsettled Lena's mind. "Kara claims it has a smell. But only she can smell it. Not Mon-El, not J'onn. No one. Only her."

The CEO frowns even more at that, and her eyes must be hidden by the heaviness in her brow as she rolls this information around on her brain. Alex takes her sentence as incentive. 

"And she says it's a sweet, alluring smell. Almost as if it has captivated her to come into the room. Says she recognizes it as you, somehow."

It's in that moment that Kara decides to walk in the room, poking her head in first, excusing herself, before completely stepping inside. 

There's some soot on her cheek, and her hair is windswept, cheeks lightly flushed. Lena takes her appearance in in a matter of seconds, maybe less, and she can't help but think she's still as lovely as ever. 

"Is everything okay?" Her sweet voice warms her, a comforting heat settling in her belly, gently running there, in a pleasant sensation. 

That's when it clicks. That's when her brain, apparently with a quick, electric discharge unites all this informations and reveals to her the one possible solution. 

Lena has a mate. Kara is her  _mate._

 _"_ Oh, fuck me!" 

She sees J'onn's wide eyes, almost betting her own kidney that he had read her mind. She sees Alex's surprised but amused reaction to her choice of words, although she quickly turns concerned. She pretends not to see Kara's blush. 

 


	14. Chapter 14

_"Mother?"_

_"Please, mommy."_

_"I need to know you're okay."_

_"Please come get me."_

_"I miss you."_

_The small house Lena has been taken to is nothing like the one she used to live at. It's cold, covered in white walls and perfectly polished wooden floors and furniture. There aren't the deep green wallpapered walls that have more holes and dents that she's used to. There aren't large windows that show beautiful and endless fields that paint a scenic landscape, even when littered with the small scratches in the glass. There aren't the aged and lived furnishings that Lena had grown up surrounded with. All of it is gone, along with her family. All that is left are the memories, and the remaining hope that her mother will co_ _me back to get her like she said she would._

 _But as the hours pass, the memories turn s_ o _ur. The hole in her heart grows bigger. The hope slowly dies among everyone she loved._

_She hasn't eaten or drank anything. She doesn't trust the people around her. She can't sleep with them in the same room._

_But eventually, all her resistance comes down with the desperate rumble of her stomach, the soreness in her muscles and the littlest bit of persuation._

_"You have to eat something, honey." A maid Lena has come to familiarize herself with, but whose name she doesn't know says, settling a plate in front of her. "I know you must be hungry."_

_Lena doesn't say anything back to her. Simply stars eating. She really misjudged the amount of time she could go without eating, because now stopping or slowing down even to breathe seems foolish._

_The woman beside her chuckles._

_Once Lena's finished eating, and the plates have been cleaned and restored inside the cabinet, the woman returns, this time with a change of clothes._

_It makes Lena look down at the ones she's wearing, and she finally takes notice of the amount of blood staining it. Her mothers blood._

_Memories are quickly overflowing her. Invading her mind and hindering her from doing anything else other than trembling or crying, sobs escaping through the hole in her chest._

_She sees the cleaned clothes hit the floor and feels arms encircling her. It's not what she wants. It's not her mother's arms. But she's so cold and sad and heartbroken that it might bring her just the warmth she needs._

_"Everyone is gone. I'm alone." She cries, loud enough for the other maids to come running into the room, alarmed. She buries her head in the woman currently hugging her, shying away from all the attention that does nothing to calm her, until she hears the steps fading out of the room._

_"I know, my child. I know. Was your family strong, honey?" The elder woman says. Her voice is sweet and typically old. It barely calms Lena._

_She nods, furiously. "Yes. They were the strongest. My mother is a hero."_

_"Then you have to be as well. You can make them proud. They are proud."_

_Lena looks at her. Sees the gray hair tucked inside a white gown. Sees the wrinkles spread throughout her entire face, that manage to make the woman look loved rather than old. They're comforting to the young girl._

_She files what she said to Lena, promising herself to always believe and live up to the words._

_Brenda, she learns, would become one of her anchors throughout her childhood._

* * *

The first time she gets out of bed after her injury it's to pace the length of the DEO floors confined inside her not so big room. Her movements are still a little not so graceful and unbalanced, but she takes the physical push as a mental one as well as she struggles to organize her thoughts. 

Kara Zor-El, the woman she'd been undeniably and vastly in love with for months is her mate. 

And it makes sense. Lena's never felt for anyone what she feels for Kara. She makes her feel alive, with newfound energy and power. She makes Lena want to be her very best. While simultaneously she makes her feel calm, invested in every little thing in life and enjoying its simplicity. She makes Lena know it's okay to not always be at her best. 

And that's what is concerning her - she doesn't deserve Kara Danvers. Kara doesn't deserve someone who can't allow themselves to truly  _live,_ afraid to imitate Kara's enthusiasm for fear that it might just be  _too much._

Kara deserves someone who she can actually be with. Someone who gives her their all. Someone who doesn't have to struggle with the fear to hurt her. Afraid of the weight of their own emotions. 

Not to mention the hatred that both their families have sworn to one another. Her brother's threat to the Supers. 

Kara deserves everything. And Lena can't give her that without giving herself away. 

And that's why Lena is selfish. Because she would  _gladly_ give her all to whoever if it meant she could have Kara. But she loves Kara, and she knows that if she knew - and if Kara knew all the implications of being Lena's mate and what it really meant, she'd feel obligated to be with Lena for her friend's sake. She'd sacrifice her happiness for Lena’s. But Lena just wants her to be happy. 

She can't help but still be relieved though. All her weird behavior ever since her arrest has now been explained. The emptiness she felt came due to the lack of interaction she had with Kara. Because as her mother had explained, she can't access her power if she's without her mate, and emotions fuel her transformation. 

It's amazing that even after all these years her vague memories of her mother are enough to guide her through life. Lena can only imagine - usually when she's surrounded by darkness, only her face illuminated by the moonlight that captivates her at night - what it would be like if she was still alive. What Lena would give to have her alive. 

Her thoughts are halted by a pair of hands catching her arms, holding her in place as her eyes lock with Kara's concerned sapphires. 

"What's going on?" 

Lena won't tell her anything. A shutter of resolution rolls down her eyes and she thinks Kara must see it in her expression. Must see it in the step back Lena takes. The shake of her head. 

"Nothing. I just remembered something important I had to do at L-Corp before all this happened." She avoids J'onns aggressively disappointed glare. "Am I free to leave?" 

"Yes."

"No."

Alex and J'onn say at the same time. 

"I guess not." Alex says, looking curiously at J'onn. 

"Why not?" Lena asks, arms crossed defensively on her chest. 

J'onn silently glares at her, his own arms crossed mimicking Lena's pose. Disapproval comes off of him in waves, and Lena knows he's trying to communicate his distaste on her thoughts by mind-communicating so Lena focuses really hard to avoid it. 

It doesn't matter if she ends up screaming mentally Bieber's "Baby", because it works and she sees J'onn appear even more frustrated. 

Alex and Kara just glance between them, aware of the tension in the air but not knowing what to make of it. 

"No, Lena. You may not go yet." He says, through gritted teeth. 

"And why is that?" She tilts her head slightly with her narrowed eyes focused on him, challenging him silently. 

 "Because I believe there are some informations that still have to be shared."

"Some things are private and not meant to be shared at all."

"Except when those things also affect the lives of others."

"Well, sometimes ignorance can be a blessing."

"Not in this case."

"How would you know?"

He falters at that, and the satisfaction of winning comes with a bitter taste.

"Again, what's going on?" Kara asks, and Lena can see that she's annoyed at being left out.

Neither of them answer, simply continue to stare at each other wordlessly. J'onn is the first one to break the staring contest. 

"Fine. You can leave. But you need to come back in three days." He leaves the room without another words, clearly upset in Lena, and she feels momentarily hurt from being the target of his disappointment. She stares at the space J'onn occupied even as Alex follows him out hurriedly to inquire if he's okay. She feels sorry, but doesn't regret her decision.

"Lena. Please talk to me." Kara's words are barely above a whisper, and it breaks Lena even more.

She moves towards her and catches her hand, applying pressure at the same time she connects their gazes, hoping to transmit her apology.

"I'm sorry. It's nothing important, don't worry."

She doesn't expect Kara's reaction. 

The warmth and pleading vanishes her eyes and she removes her hand sharply, shaking her head with the same kind of disappointment J'onn had expressed just a minute ago.

"Right. Well, I'm glad you're feeling better. I have to go make my rounds but I'll ask someone to drive you home."

She doesn't wait for Lena's response before walking out the room. Not that Lena thinks she could give one with the guilt and sadness settling on her mind. 

* * *

_Dear Brenda,_

_Today is my 12th birthday. I used to love birthdays, back when everything was different. When everything was better. My mother would spend the whole day with me, doing anything I wanted without even showing any hint of desinterest in my childish activities that I now know for sure she never really liked. I now know that she only really liked how happy I felt. Now when I allow myself to think of her, all I see is the love and affection that her expression transmitted. All the safety the Luthor mansion might have, all their money could buy, it's nothing compared to the safety her presence assured me. She was always there for me, but she never made it seem like I was a burden._

_And I know that maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me - after all, it's been four years now since they died, and the same way hope can turn into grief, it can happen the other way around too. It's not stupid to think that after all the pain and all the loneliness, our own mind builds some kind of defense against ourselves._

_The Luthors are the same as they've always been. Everyone keeps theirs distance from me. I'm not complaining though. It gives me privacy and the thrill of secrecy as I write to you behind Lillian's back (and even if I know I shouldn't say this, it feels good to be able to hide this from her, makes me feel good that she still hasn't found out, yet she still assures me I could never keep anything from her)._

_So, as you can see, Lillian is the same cold, rigorous woman._

_Lex is my only real friend - in and out of the house (not that I leave much besides going to school). He's sweet and I actually believe that he cares, in the same amount that I care about him. He always manages to make me smile with his silly jokes, but he's also the only one who actually tries to see me for who I really am. He says I'm smart, and attentive, that I'll have a great future if it's up to him. That he'll protect me from everything (including Lillian). I'm glad to call him my brother and my friend._

_Lionel only really comes to me if he actually needs something. But I know he's busy, he runs his own company and has to take care of everyone in the family. It must take a lot of his time. And when he actually comes, even if he doesn't have the gentleness in his touch like Lex does, and doesn't have the assuring words either, he still tries to understand me. Only in different ways than Lex. But I know I can't resent him for it. I was brought to this family, to Lex, thanks to him. I would probably have nothing if he hadn't come to pick me from the house._

_No. That's a lie. If he hadn't come, at least I'd have you._

_You haven't written back to me in a long time, and I don't know if you're just as tired of my childish ramblings as Lillian is or if something worse has happened. I'm really hoping you hate me now - that has to be the reason why you aren't answering me. I'm really, really, really hoping you're not dead._

_So please, if you're reading this, just send me something, anything, so I'll know you're okay. Even if it's an order to stop writing you. Because I'd rather know you are alive and ignoring me than dead._

_Being alone to me is far worse than feeling lonely._

_With love,_

_Lena._

* * *

 

The next day finds Lena in her office. She's got her powers back, and for that she's grateful she lost so much work this past week. This way, she has something to completely submerge herself with that allows her to not think of everything she managed to screw up yesterday.

_Nope, not thinking of that._

She spent all day in meetings, assuring her board members she's still trustworthy (although she suspects they never really trusted her) and capable of running the company.

They don't exactly believe her. But there's nothing they can do about it. She thinks that the smaller bandages she covered parts of her face with, not to hide the scars but the _lack_ of them, is incentive enough to shut their suspicions temporarily.  _Once a Luthor... Always a Luthor._

When she wasn't in meetings, she was sat behind her desk, bent over some paperwork, or calling investors. 

The only real conversation she had was with Jess. ("Jess, I'm okay. See? There isn't really any wounds.) The wolfsbane has finally arrived, and Lena is thankful for having some help to her keep her calm throughout this incredibly tiring day.

The resulting headache, despite being painful, it's a reminder of the safety her necklace provides.

Its well past midnight when she actually goes home. She walks, because she had the decency to send her driver home knowing she wouldn't leave the office at a decent hour. The air is chilly, and Lena wrinkles her nose against it while she burrows deeper into the thin jacket wrapped around her torso. But still, Lena welcomes it. After everything that happened she hasn't really had any time to be outside, actually feel the atmosphere. The noise of the city is also refreshing, even if the burning in her chest after fighting with J'onn and Kara yesterday still hasn't been extinguished.

When she gets home, she's restless. She changes clothes, grabs a glass of whiskey and moves to the balcony. 

She calls Kara. No answer. 

 **"Hey Kara, I was hoping we could talk. Call me."** She texts. 

She tries not to be disappointed when there's no answer and decides to go to bed. She doesn't sleep.

\--

Three days without talking to Kara seems to be enough for her wold to start feeling numb again, and Lena  _hates_ it.

She promised J'onn she would go to the DEO after three days to run some tests. And that's what she does.

It's a Wednesday, and she leaves work early (although early is still later than most of her employees) and asks her driver to take her three blocks away from the building.

Once she makes it to the bullpen the first thing she sees is Kara, smiling at something Winn is saying with a lot of passion, if the movement of his hands and the excitement in his expression is anything to go by. It wakes her wolf up, slowly.

The first thing she feels is relief. Because Kara is well. She was worried something had happened to her, because her calls were left unanswered. Her texts as well. There had only been radio silence.

Then she feels sad. Because Kara had been well, but she ignored her. Lena had hurt her enough for Kara to not want to speak to her again, and that's one of the things she's always been afraid of. She's always been unsure of her relationship with Kara because she expected herself to somehow fuck it up. She  _wishes_ she hadn't proven herself right.

She decides to give Kara her space.

She moves past her, towards the medbay where she expects to find Alex. Maggie is there with her. 

"Hey, Lena. It's good to see you." Alex says with a hug.

"Yeah, Little Luthor, it's been too long." Maggie joins them, and Lena can't help the affectionate chuckle that falls from her lips. 

She groans. "I know... I'm sorry. I've been really busy with L-Corp." 

Both heads nod in a show of acceptance of Lena's apology. 

"Listen, Lena." Maggie catches her attention. "After everything that happened, i just wanted to tell you how sorry I am."

Lena's eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

"For arresting you. I knew you hadn't done anything, but I had orders from my captain to do it. And then you were kidnapped and I'm just-" 

"No, Maggie, stop." She hugs Maggie tightly, seeing how guilty the detective must be feeling. "It's not your fault. You were just doing your job. If anyone's to blame, is Lillian, okay?" 

She feels Maggie nod against her. Then comes a sniffle. 

Alex moves to embrace both of them. "Babe," she mumbles, "it's okay, don't cry."

Lena moves back, cupps Maggie's cheek to make sure she doesn't miss her sincerity.

"Maggie, look at me. It's not your fault, okay? It's not your fault you're an amazing, dedicated woman that values her job. It's not your fault I have the family I have. And I'm fine, everything turned out okay. It's not your fault." 

She catches the tears that fall from her eyes, and with a last squeeze to her shoulders, she steps away, giving her some space to recompose herself. After some time, the three of them walk out of the room they were in towards another one where Alex can perform the tests she wants to. 

They come face to face with J'onn, Kara and Mon-El. 

"Is everything okay?" J'onn asks, concerned. 

She knows Kara and Mon-El must have heard the conversation, and J'onn might have sensed the distress. 

Maggie huffs a laugh out, "Yeah, it is now."

Alex smiles along with her, both of them sharing loving looks. If feels intruding to watch them, so Lena turns away. 

As she turns her face ahead, her nose immediately hits a chest, and she's sure it's Mon-El due to his cologne (because she can't sense his usual metallic smell with her necklace on, nor with the strong scent of his perfume). 

His arms push her face closer, almost suffocating her. She laughs breathlessly and puts her arms around him and gently pats his back, asking him silently to release her. 

He does. 

"Lena! I've missed you so much!" 

She giggles, "I've missed you too!" 

When he finally steps back enough for her to see his face, he's beaming and she sends him a little smile in return before turning to J'onn and Kara. 

Kara moves her gaze away from her as soon as she does, pointedly looking at the ground. 

"J'onn. May we talk?" 

"Let's make the tests first. We'll talk later." She's hurt, ashamed of herself because his answer clearly shows how disappointed he still is in her and she knows she deserves it. 

Challenging J'onn in front of his coworkers, the ones who he's suposed to be their superior, was not a respectful action. She's also not really proud of the concert she pulled on her mind. 

She nods. "Okay. Thank you."

All the tests are taken. Alex reassures her that she's completely healed. Right now she's on the corner of the room, analyzing her blood on a microscope once again, and Lena is sitting silently next to Mon-El on the bed, playing with the necklace hanging from her neck. 

"What is that?" Mon-El asks, gaze pointed to the little metal piece Lena is twirling in her slim fingers. 

"It's a necklace." She says, sarcastically, although she doesn't think he catches it as he simply nods as if he hadn't already know that. "My mother gave it to me."

"Lillian?" He scrunches his nose. 

Lena huffs out a laugh, both because of the face he pulled, but because this conversation is becoming recurrent.

"No. My biological mother."

"Where is she?" 

She looks at him, surprised at the words, and everyone else in the room must be as well because their heads turn in their direction with wide eyes. 

Lena is surprised too. Both at the question and the innocent way it was asked. She doesn't feel angry at him because she knows he doesn't actually have double intencions when asking it. 

"She's dead. She died when I was little."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know." His face shows his remorse and he puts his arm around her shoulders. 

"It's fine." Everyone in the room seem to relax after that, returning to whatever they were doing. 

The silence stretches until suddenly Kara releases a low whimper. It catches everyone's attention. Both she and Lena blush at the sound, to Alex's amusement. 

"It's the same as last time. Only Kara can smell it. And as you can see, she likes it." Kara nods with a shrug, agreeing with her sister. 

Lena only blushes harder, so much she's sure her whole face is red. 

"I need to have a word with Lena." She's both relieved and terrified to hear those words. 

After everyone leaves the room, J'onn turns to her sharply. 

"How can you not tell her?" 

"Because I don't want to pressure her into something she doesn't want."

"You don't know if she wants it or not." 

"Which is precisely why I won't tell her. If she doesn't want a relationship with me then if I tell her she might feel obligated to just do it for my sake. And if she does want me then it will happen naturally, not because there's suddenly a pressure for it - for us - to happen." 

 He nods, not agreeing completely but understanding her train of thought.

"I think you're wasting your time. If you told her, then you'd already be together and you'll be happier. The both of you."

Lena sighs, not seeing it the way he does, but not fighting back because she's done arguing with him.

"Look, J'onn, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have challenged you in front of your agents, it was disrespectful of me."

He looks relieved after hearing that. As if afraid she wouldn't even notice how bad she had treated him, one of her greatest friends. Lena is a little hurt.

"Thank you." He hugs her, and she feels better immediately. Not great, but better.

He leaves the room after that. 

Lena starts collecting her things, already thinking of heading home and the work she'll get done, when she hears the door opening and closing behind her. 

She's surprised to see Kara standing there. Hands at her hips. Her posture screams Supergirl and the way she refuses to look Lena in the eyes tells her that once she does, Lena won't find the usual warmth that says Kara Danvers. 

"Hi." Lena says, shy of the tension of the room.

"Hi." Kara says, strong and cold.

Lena swallows dry, anxiety claiming her insides due to Kara's recent behavior. 

"Is everything okay?"

Kara finally turns to look at her, anger burning in her gaze, shocking Lena with the scoff she releases.

"No. Everything is not okay, Lena."

She doesn't know how to respond to that, moves her gaze to the ground momentarily as if the correct answer could be found on it. She's reluctant of every word that leaves her mouth. 

"What's going on?"

And  _oh_ , Kara's fire is burning brighter, and Lena knows she's about to explode before she drops her tight fists from her hips and points one finger at Lena.

"I don't know. You tell me! What do you think is going on?"

"Have I done something to upset you?"

Kara huffs out a laugh, no amusement in it. Only desperation. 

"Yes, Lena. You have!"

Lena doesn't know what to do, desperation is starting to claw her insides as well. 

"Well then tell me what I did!" She almost begs.

She doesn't know how Kara doesn't shoot rays out of her eyes with the fire so noticeable in them. 

"Well. For starters. What were you thinking?" There's a pause where Lena only blinks at her, unsure. "I watched you, helpless, on live television, on every monitor possible, as you tantalized Lillian to the point she burned your whole face off! What were you thinking? Why would you do something so reckless?"

"I- "

"And you you knew that there was a possibility I couldn't reach you. There was kryptonite!"

"I can explain! Just let me-"

"No. I don't wanna hear it anymore. You don't care about anyone but yourself."

There's no way she misses the hurt in Lena's eyes, in her entire body. A pang in her heart that unbalanced her whole being. 

"I'm tired, Lena! I've told you everything there is to know about me. Yet all you do is lie, and hide things from me. You just don't care about me."

Lena's quiet then. Attempting to push down the amount of anger she's feeling that Kara even dared to say those words. In the end, she doesn't succeed. 

"How dare you say that."

Kara clearly doesn't expect the silence that settled around them to be broken after those tense seconds of silence. 

"What?" It's low, and it makes Lena think the places have swapped, and now Kara is the one unsure and Lena the one about ti explode.

"How dare you say I don't care about you? I've always listened, and tried to understand you. Tried to make you feel better! And you say I don't care?"

"And yet the other half of the time you're pushing me away."

"As if you weren't the one to ignore me for three whole days! I never ever ignored you!"

"No, but you always pull away. Emotionally. You just don't care, Lena. Isn't that what happened with your mother?"

"It's different. You wouldn't understand."

"Because you don't even let me try!"

"You say that as if you're an open book! You hid who you really were - "

"So did you -" 

"And you hid your relationship with Mike -"

"I didn't hide it I only forgot to mention it -"

"And you didn't tell me about the end of it either."

Kara's face darkens. "I don't have to tell you everything."

"Neither do I." Lena matches her tone.

"You don't tell me anything at all! I found out most things about you from Lillian. Lillian!"

"Because I'm trying to protect you!"

"I don't need your protection!"

"Yes, you do."

Kara groans, hands scratching her face strongly before screaming with rage. 

"What could you possibly be protecting me from?"

"From me!"

Lena's scream is followed by silence, only the sound of their raged breaths filling the room as Kara stares at her with surprise.

"What?" Her volume has decreased immensely, to a soft tune.

Lena is still angry though. Kara accusing her of not caring is the exact opposite of the truth. She loves Kara, and the thought of Kara thinking she just doesn't care about her doesn't sit well on her stomach. 

It's with that thought that her next words come out. 

"Even if I'm in love with you, I can't completely be myself with you. Because if I lose control, for a second, I can't even imagine what could possibly happen. And I can't tell you everything because I know you, I know how you feel like other's problems are sometimes more important than yours, and I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything for me out of _friendship."_

Kara only stares, and stares, and stares. Her eyes are wide, and Lena doesn't want silence. After what she said, she'd much rather have Kara scream and shout at her than looking utterly shocked at what she just confessed. As if it wasn't obvious. Her gut twists unpleasantly. 

"Kara?" She asks, barely above a whisper.

Her name breaks Kara out of her daze, and she starts moving towards Lena. One step at a time. But once she's barely two feet away from Lena, she doesn't stop. She's getting closer, and closer. Lena can see the specks in Kara's blue eyes that are even more blue this close, more alluring. She can see the freckles on Kara's cheeks, painting her high cheekbones. Her lips are a very alluring pink, and Lena has no time left to take in any other detail because now she's so close that Lena is powerless to not let her eyelids drop to her lips as she wets them, or as they release soft puffs of air that land in Lena's own lips, sweet and inviting. Kara is so close that even with the necklace she can smell her, _sunshine_ and _rain_ and _lavender,_ and she closes her eyes, brushes her nose tenderly in Kara's before dropping her forehead softly to hers.

"Lena, can I -"

 ~~~~The door opens suddenly, and Lena quickly takes a step back, blushing and remembering herself and her whereabouts. Kara doesn't move though, doesn't even turn towards the source of the interruption, simply stands there looking at Lena with blown pupils, and _Gosh,_  Lena can't feel anything other than her furiously beating heart. 

"I'm so sorry to interrupt." She says, hurriedly.

Lena swallows. Recognizing it must be something serious. "It's fine. What is it?"

Alex looks even more apologetic and distressed then before. 

"Lex Luthor has escape prison."


	15. Chapter 15

She doesn't know what to think. In a matter of seconds everything came tumbling down, almost as if the universe is forcing Lena to scramble to pick up the pieces. 

The only problem is she's not sure she'll succeed this time.

She doesn't know how many times she's watched it. The video is replaying on a loop on the giant screen on the wall, and Lena is just observing, hoping she'll notice something in the next replay. Searching and searching but not finding anything. The easiness Henshaw pushes guards around resulting in their heads smashing against the wall. The way that with a simple pull of his arms the gate of her brother's cell comes out of it's hinges. The way Lex and Lillian hug just as they meet outside the solitary cell. Their glances at the camera they must know will record it all for Lena to see, the way they smile at it, taunting her, challenging her. Irritating her.

She can't stop watching it. 

"Lena?" It's Kara's voice, small and unsure that breaks Lena out of her trance.

She looks at her, sees the concern in her eyes.

"What is it?" She says it softly. Aware that none of this is Kara's fault even if inside she's screaming with rage. 

"Alex was asking you a question." She doesn't know if it's pity that she can see in Kara's eyes. Doesn't like it when she turns around and everyone in the room is staring her with the same expression in theirs. 

"Sorry. Can you repeat it, please."

"I was asking you if you had any idea where they might have gone."

Lena thinks, hard. But she doesn't know. 

All she can think about is the pair of them, mother and son, free and out and about doing as they please. If Lillian is dangerous by her calculating nature, the dangerous rationality that expertly conveys her passion, Lex is unpredictability, it's turning the thousands of thoughts that run through his maleficent mind and turning them into reality, with no care for consequences or compassion for those involved. They're a dangerous pair. 

"No. All I know is that we have to find out, and we have to stop them." She says. 

There's a tension in her whole body that constricts all her muscles, making it almost impossible to breathe. Almost as if due to the pressure, her temperature rises. Everything starts unpleasantly burning, including her eyes, gums, fingertips. Her whole body. She barely hears the voices of the people discussing the next course of option around the DEO. All she can think about is her brother, crazy and free, and what he might do. To National City, to Kara. She's losing control. 

A warm body settles on her back, mostly on her left side, and warm hands surround her lightly, almost not touching her body beside the pressure they apply to the palm of her hands, fingers interlacing and squeezing. Kara's presence is so serene, so warm. Her smell reassuring. She relaxes against her. 

"Are you feeling better now?" 

She sighs, tilting her head back and letting it slightly touch Kara's. "I am. Thank you."

"It's no problem." She whispers back.

* * *

_She watches with horror as Lillian marches into her room, determination in her eyes. For what, Lena doesn't know, and she's afraid to find out._

_A bunch of papers all held together with an elastic in the middle is slammed on her desk, and Lena jumps with the sound it produces._

_She reluctantly looks up, questioning._

_"What is that?"_

_"All the letters your mail pal has been sending you these past months."_

_Lena's eyes widen. Relief of finally having her responses after all this time of uncertainty. But then she's scared of what Lillian knowing she exists might entail._

_"So, you really think you can hide thinks from me?"_

_She doesn't answer, knowing there's nothing she can say to excuse herself._

_Lillian scoffs. "Well. It doesn't matter now. They haven't been coming for a while, it has been little more than a month. I wonder why."_

_She laughs, right in Lena's face, making sure she runs the salt in the wound Lena is starting feel._

_Then, she lowers herself on the table, just enough so she makes sure Lena listens to the low and dangerous tone of her voice.  "Don't ever try to hide things from me again, Lena."_

_With that she leaves._

_With that, Lena opens the very last letter Brenda sent._

_"Dear Lena,_

_I haven't heard from you in more than a month. I don't know why, but I hope everything is okay._

_I know you don't like it there, in the Luthor Mansion, but please try and make an effort. You have a chance of living a great life, more that enough conditions to live confortably. Maybe you're not happy for now, maybe you think it would be better if you weren't there. But we can't ways choose what we have, we can only make use of what was given to us._

_So please ignore all the bitterness that settles on your heart, all the pain, and focus on the good things - I know for a fact that your brother makes you happy, and Lionel is willing to help you, so try to enjoy it as much as you can. The darkness will only blind you from the real potential you have, and you Lena are a very special girl._

_For the moment I saw you, I knew instantly that you'd become one of the strongest women to ever exist. Even in that tender age, at the peak of your childhood years, at the wake of tragedy you managed to come through, entirely. And for that, to me, you'll always be a hero - just as your mother was to you._

_I know just how much everyone in your family would be content to have you as their legacy, the living proof of their resilience and spectacularity. Just as they were your heros, you would always be remembered as theirs._

_I know this feels sappy, and it must ring some bells in that incredible mind of yours. The truth is I'm dying, I'm not sure you've received or read any of my other recent letters, but with age my health hasn't been getting any better. I don't know if you're reading these letters or not, but if you are, know that I'm sorry._

_So, Lena, I just really hope you know how much I'm thankful for having you in my life, and that I'll be thinking of you as I go on my path, and I hope you remember these words as you go on yours._

_Love,_

_Brenda."_

_The usual clumsiness of her handwriting is even more proficient due to what Lena assumes is the shakiness of her hands. But its not nearly as much incapacitating to read as the big fat tears that accumulate in Lena's eyes and roll down her cheeks. Still, she forces herself to read the others, until she can't anymore, because her eyes are sore and her throat is hurting her from the way Lena is desperately trying to keep the sobs inside._

_In the end, they manage to fall out her lips._

_All it takes is Lex, entering her room with a smile freezing on his lips as he sees her. He's tall, much taller than her, with his luminous brown hair and blue eyes. But all his slenderness doesn't stop him from possessing the warm, safe embrace that he hurries to envelope her in._

_She cries, and cries, and he doesn't say anything at all. But he doesn't have to._

* * *

 

 The worst part about knowing that both her mother and brother are on the run,  _together,_ is not knowing what their plan is.

There are endless possibilities, all as much probable as the one that comes to her mind before, because with a crazy man and his love-blinded mother there really isn't any sense of predictability.

Everyone is trying to locate them at the DEO. Winn is keying away at his keyboard, fingers so fast that they almost rival Supergirl's speed; Alex, Maggie and J'onn are pondering her family members' approach - " _If I was a Luthor, where would I go?" (_ and Lena really should be able to answer that); Kara and Mon-El decided to do a sweep over the streets along with James.

That leaves Lena standing in the middle of the DEO, lost in thought, although it seems that her thoughts are more lost than her. She has always wanted to have her brother back to her, but never this way. She wanted him  _back,_ but as the sweet, compassionate man she once knew, not the blood-thirsty chap he became. It's always been hard, to preserve both views she has of him without corrupting the other. At first, it seemed impossible that the loving brother had became the unrecognisable killer - it seemed impossible, a mistake. Then, as anger sets in, she tries and tries to see the signs in her dearest memories of him. Tries and tries, but after reassessing each and every one of them, she fails. And that's when reality comes in - people change,  _specially for power._

And Lex really loves power. He apparently loves it more than anything else, as he risked everything to possess it. She knows how when he finally found it, that was when he truly lost himself. In her darkest moments she feels incredibly guilty for it.

Afterall, she is now the one who bears the weight of both his and Lillian's actions. As the only one who isn't in prison, people often see that as if she's the one who still hasn't been  _found out._ And the amount of suspicion she receives manages to make her feel a little bit guilty for her family as she goes on with her life.

She feels guilty of the deaths they caused. The pain they caused.

But when she's alone with her thoughts, she feels it the most. Lex murdered so many innocent people because of the serum running through his body, the serum made from  _her_ DNA. Not only that, but she saw the way he looked on the high of it - the murderous and smug look on his face, literally the deathliest combination. She knows she's the same, and yet no one has come for her. Yet.

Even if she hates that part of her, Lex doesn't. He loves the thrill of it - the burning, the feelings, the impulses, the want. It's all he was searching for and Lena knows he probably still is.

_Wich means..._

Her veins ice, her blood freezing in place. The fear makes shivers run repeatedly all over her body, immobilizing her in the spot as she takes all the implications in.

Then, barely a second later, it heats all over. As much as fear can paralyze you, it can also be the thing that gets you running.

And Lena runs, first to put her removed necklace in a surprised-looking Winn's hands with a admittedly surprising burst of (super) speed. Then, she runs towards the L-Corp labs.

She's desperate in her search after moving towards the small vault she relocated the serum to, only to not find it there. She knows there is no other place for it to be, since she was the only one with access to it (or so she thought), but fear is making her irrational, and with every new corner she searches she sends a prayer to whichever Gods she really doesn't believe in.

At the end of the search, she's empty handed. And her lab is basically destroyed. She's glad it's vacated, because she knows she wouldn't like to have her employees staring at her as she maniacally as she sends every solid object flying behind her towards the ground with the frustration of it now being what she was looking for, although she still managed to preserve every glassed-vial with her frantic movements.

The only reason as to why she doesn't turn with all the heat she feels, is because she knows that now more than ever she has to find her brother, fast, and becoming a werewolf won't help at all. But she can still feel her fangs, completely grown on her mouth and the flame in her eyes. 

She runs faster than she's ever ran back to the DEO, aware that her distress should be shared with her friends.

There's no time to throw a guilt party for ever deciding to keep that flask. 

As soon as she walks in, literally all hot and bothered, she's met with several gasps as eyes lay on her.

"Lena! What's happening?" Kara asks, concerned as she notices the state she's in. She moves as if to grab her, but the though of anyone touching makes her feel slitghly claustrophobic.

"Please, I can't--Don't come any closer!" She says, moving back.

Kara doesn't seem offended, and Lena is incredibly relieved by that. The concern so visible in her face increases ten times though.

"It's fine, I won't. Please tell us what's going on." She says, with her hands in the air, stretched towards Lena.

"Lillian tricked us. She fooled everyone."

"What do you mean?" It's J'onn who says it, and now Lena notices that all her friends are positioned in a circle around her. She shakes her head to avoid thoughts of being surrounded, unwilling to give her wold any more space.

"When she kidnapped me. She didn't really mean to expose me. Or she did, but it was only really a distraction."

"What makes you said that? Did you talk to her?" Alex asks, suspicious.

"No! I- Do you remember Lex's dispute against Superman on live TV?"

There are a combination of frowns and hidden eyes amongst the group. She looks at Kara, expecting to find a sudden pang of anger or resentmen, but she's still as concerned as she was when Lena arrived. 

"Yes. Why?" Alex responds.

"Lex was- Do you- Do you remember what he looked like? Who he looked like?"

There's a few seconds where Lena allows her face to completely be exposed to them, as their expressions slowly, one by one, turn from confusion to realisation. 

"I knew you looked familiar..." Winn mutters, but Kara quickly bumps him with her elbow to shut him up, although it results in a small squeak to be released from him.

"How is that possible? I thought he wasn't really your brother."J'onn asks.

 _He was,_ Lena thinks, but she doesn't say it. Instead, she sighs, awkwardly with the way her fangs are immensely uncomfortable against the inside of her bottom lip.

"He's not. Do you remember the serum Lillian mentioned? The one that killed Lionel."

All seven heads nod, slowly.

"Lex decided to find a way to perfect it. He succeeded."

"Okay, but how does this connect with Lillian tricking us?" Maggie asks, unsure of the route the conversation turned.

Lena licks the sharpness of her teeth, as a way to waste some time while she desmembers the reluctance that came from within to explain the blame she has in all this. She knows she can't though.

"When I took over LuthorCorp, I did a complete inspection of all the products there. To destroy anything that could be harmful on the wrong hands. And I found the serum there, but I-I kept it."

"Why would you ever do that?" Alex screams, frustrated. Lena can't help but hear some suspicion on her voice and it only makes her even more defensive, even more scorching.

"I kept it in a vault! I've been working on it! My blood allows for a quick healing process that could help a lot of people."

Alex seems to deflate a bit at that, although her eyes are still narrowed with suspicion. 

"Anyway. I think Lillian only kidnapped  and did it so publicly, so that everyone, including Supergirl, was so focused in rescuing me that her subordinates would have no problem in going to L-Corp to collect it."

There are some tense seconds when everyone is silent, processing Lena's words and the future damage they suggest.

"Are you saying that now we have a crazy, maniac and  _superpowered_ Lex Luthor on the run? Along with his also deranged mother?" J'onn asks, managing to keep the pretense of a calm voice, although everyone can see the fear his words provoke in the clench of his jaw.

Lena closes her eyes briefly, sighs. "Yes."

He nods, finishing processing everything. "Okay, then we need to work even harder to find him."

It's in that exact moment that Lena's phone decides to vibrate in her pocket, loud enough for everyone to turn to her, almost as worried as her about it being who every one of them thinks it might be.

She fishes it out, blinks a couple times to spread the fire in her gaze, that tunnels her vision with white so much it almost blinds her.

She glances at her phone to find  _No Caller ID_  occupying the top of her screen.

Her heart stops beating, and she hears everyone else's flutter too.

* * *

 

_The last time she heard from Jack was way before she moved her company to National City, and he was one of the reasons why._

_She didn't expect to hear from him ever again, after how things went down between them. She still remembers the utter fear stamped all over his face as she revealed herself to him, and it used to sting._

_It hasn't ached in a while, because after everything that happened with Lex, she barely has time or the mindset to think about anything else other than_ that  _or work._

_So it really comes as a surprised that, after months, Jack decides to pay her a visit at L-Corp._

_It's a regular Thursday, filled with meetings and conferences and contracts and all a CEO's job entails, until her ex-boyfriend, who as far as she knows hates her guts, knocks on her office door._

_She expects it to be Jess, and that's why she's completely thrown off and almost spills the drink in her glass all over the papers she was currently revising._

_"Jack? What are you doing here?"_

_"Hey. I came to see you." He's charming, as he's always been. The smile on his lips seems as innocent as the look in his eyes._

_"You did? Why?"_

_He sighs, "I don't think we separated the right way. We should talk, discuss things rationally. Communication is the key to every relationship."_

_She starts recognizing the act. After they went their own, separate ways, Lena started accepting things as they were - Jack never really loved her, only loved her family name and the opportunities it might have opened. Their whole relationship was only a float for him, a way for Lena to help him survive as he waited for the shore to come closer before leaving her behind. And the worst part is she knew it, but let herself go with the tide._

_"And why now, after all this time?"_

_"I need some time to process everything. I was hurt you didn't love me enough to tell me."_

_Now it's her turn to sigh, aware of the manipulation she's currently being the bulls-eye of._

_"You know that's not true."_

_He moves towards the desk now, the one she's still smitten behind, not remembering to stand to greet him in her shock. He takes her hand in his, and she momentarily let's him._

_"Just put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel if you found that the woman you loved doesn't feel the same about you?" His eyes are full of hurt, mouth almost in a pout, and he looks so sincere that Lena almost believes him._

_Almost. Because she knows he never really loved her, can hear his heartbeat and the way it chimes uncomfortably with every lie he tells, can see the miniscule jerk of his right eyelid as a sign of dishonesty._

_He must see the unconvinced look on her face, because he continues._

_"I've missed you. I love you."_

_She drops her hand._

_"Please stop Jack, you don't and you never did. We both know it."_

_"No, I-"_

_"What do you want?" She doesn't say it accusingly, says it more in a resigned tone, aware that that's the only possible reason for his return._

_He still forces the charming look onto his face. "I hear L-Corp is thriving on the business world. Congratulations, Lena."_

_It feels good to hear those words. More than she ever expected. She never notice how much she wanted to hear them, the recognition of the effort she's putting on her work, the success she's been having, until she receives them._

_"Thank you." She says, low and sincere._

_"I knew you could make it. I've always had faith in you."_

_"Jack."_

_He finally takes a seat in the seat in front of her desk. It's late, the moonlight is already shining outside, and from the floor-to-ceiling windows of her office it lands on him, on his countenance as he faces the large glass. She sees the way it illuminates his features, and she can't help but feel_ wrong  _as she studies him under the light of the Moon she so loves._

_"What?" He's eyeing her in a way he must think is somehow seductive, or even atractive. But it only seems predatory, in an unpleasant way, and she becomes defensive._

_"Just tell me what you're really here for."_

_"I'm here for you, Lena."_

_"Well it's too late for that, so you might as well be honest."_

_He drops the act then. His eyes turn cold but amused, and the charming smile in his lips turns into a smirk. He crosses his legs, arms crossed, back against the chair in a show of assuredness and confidence._

_"You were always smart, I'll give you that." He sighs, deep and noisy, over dramatic. "It was worth trying, I guess. S_ _ince my endless charm isn't gonna cut it, I'm going to have to use another strategy - to threats."_

_"Go on then, you're kinda wasting my time here."_

_He frowns, his ego not as amused by that as Lena feels. "I'm going to make this simple. I want a place at the board of L-Corp."_

_And she actually was already expecting something like this._

_"Or what?" She says, finally standing and depositing her hands spread on the desk, using her body language to intimidate him as she does with business partners so many times._

_He blanches, slightly, barely there, but Lena still notices. Then, he pulls another burst of confidence from within. "Or else, I'll tell everyone you're just like Lex Luthor. A monster."_

_Shes immediately hurt. How can someone be so good at pretending they care abut her for so much time? She's seen it happen with Lex as well, but it doesn't get any easy. But she won't let herself be dragged._

_"Go ahead. We are in National City, where alien's existence is common knowledge. And I haven't done anything wrong for anyone to condemn me the same way as Lex."_

_"That might be true, but we both know how being any more associated with him will ruin your company, and in extention your life. You'd be hunted, publicly."_

_She laughs, showing him she isn't scared or intimidated by his threats, although she actually is. The thought of being exposed terrifies her._

_Once again, his ego doesn't like it, and Lena sees the frustration in his face._

_"So what? I've made so much money I can afford to buy a private island now. You expose me, L-Corp's stock prices decrease, and I sell it and it would still be worth a fortune." She shrugs._

_She forces a dark expression on her face as she lowers herself closer to him._

_"Then I'd spend the rest of my boring days hunting you, punishing you for ever deciding to cross paths with me."_

_She let's her eyes flash for a small fraction of a second, just enough for him to see it._

_He does, and he scrambles up and moves a few steps away from her. She smirks, even if inside she's a little bit heartbroken again by the fear present in his face._

_"Now, get the fuck out of my office."_

_He quickly does so. Lena crashes back into her chair, tired and hurt._

* * *

 

As she raises her head, she sees the panic evident in everyone's faces.

The phone keeps vibrating in her hand, and knowing who's calling her is disconcerting. She feels like gasoline has been poured into the fire inside her veins, and every sense she has is scalding.

"Answer it." J'onn says, a direct order.

Winn runs towards his desk, ready to trace it's location. 

She swallows, takes a deep breath to calm the flames, and pushes the green button, followed by the speaker one. 

"Hello?"

"Finally Lena, what was taking you so long to answer?"

"Well, you might not know this Lex, but being the CEO of a company leaves you incredibly busy. Specially if you're a good one."

"That's funny. As far as I now know, thanks to mother, it leaves you just enough time to be gal pals with the Girl of Steel."

She looks at Kara, sees her tense and ready to fight back, and she puts a finger to her lips, eyes imploring her to stay quiet. She nods, reluctantly accepting. 

"You know how it is, Lex. The Corporate world opens many doors. Including to prison."

A laugh comes from the other end of the line, and Lena's heart churns a bit with it, memories of when it was sweet and contagious instead of smug and chilling.

He sighs,  "I've missed you, Lena. I wish things could be different with us. You're my favorite sister."

"I'm your only sister."

"Details. I know you're tracing this number right now, so I suppose I'll see you soon."

"What are you planning, Lex?"

"Don't worry Lena, I'm only finishing what I started."

The call disconnects. 

Superman flies through the DEO's balcony at that exact moment. 


	16. Chapter 16

Even if she's with her back turned towards the balcony, it's hard to miss the sound of his cape fluttering with the wind, or the aggressive way the crash of his boots sounds againsnt the ground.

"Kal. I assume you've heard about what happened." Kara says, and they share a quick hug. Lena sometimes forgets they're family, just as she and Lex are. It's hard to miss the correlation, and she knows Clark will be very unpleased with her friendship with his cousin.

Before they greet each other, she's already moving towards Winn's desk, quickly, hoping Clark will think she just didn't see him arrive. She asks Winn for her necklace and he quickly gives it to her, as if aware of her need to get away from all _that_.

And she truly is panicking. Superman can't see her in her hybrid form. All hell would break loose in her admittedly not so heavenly life - Superman, not commonly known as Clark Kent, was the reporter who did Lex's exposure as crazy to the worldwide public. She doesn't blame him for that, after all, Lex is the only one responsible for his downfall. But that doesn't mean she doesn't resent him, because even with all his talks of loyalty and respect, he's the one who abused and exposed his previous friendship with Lex. And she knows that one look at her now would be enough for him to repeat the past.

As soon as Winn opens the drawer where he stored the accessory she's hit with a wave of nausea, but it's not nearly enough to calm her with new found panic. And knowing it doesn't, she can only panic harder.

She hears Superman walking towards her after greeting everyone briefly, and  _shit_ she's not ready yet. She opens the lock -  burns her finger three times - before she hears his steps dangerously close. She's breathing fast, eyes closed tight, hands shaky from both the burn and the adrenaline of being caught.

She's actually thinking about swallowing the wolfsbane when -

"Kal, wait!" She hears Kara superspeed towards her, standing in the middle of her cousin and her back. She feels Kara's hand touch the small of her back with gentle pressure, index finger running circles. She focuses solely on the motion, and quickly everything that Kara is envelops her. She feels her fangs retreat, sensitive from all the time they were out, her fingernails too.

"What is it, Kara?" She hears the concern in his voice, but there's some impatience in it too.

"I was wondering if... You would like to... Do a sweep of the city with me. Right now."

"Maybe later. I have to speak to Miss Luthor now."

It's the animosity with which her name is spoken that makes her turn around.

"Superman. " She says with a nod of her head in greeting.

She looks at Kara, sending her a small appreciative smile with a squeeze in the hand that is still settled protectively on the small of her back, and of course that with Kara there she feels warm. 

If she ignores all the panic, there's only Kara left, and Lena seizes her presence for as much time as she can. Her eyes linger on her, and Kara's focus on her as well, both appreciative. Lena wonders what Kara has to appreciate.

"I couldn't help but hear your conversation with Lex when I was flying here."

She remembers he's there, reluctantly gives him her attention.

"Well, then I guess there's no need to debrief you on the situation."

He frowns, takes a step closer to her. "Don't you think for one second that you fool me. How long have you been working with him?"

"Kal, what are you doing?" Kara asks, almost scandalized by her cousin's hostility.

"What, Supergirl? Do you really believe that it's a coincidence that she kept the serum that almost allowed her brother to kill me? She's not that stupid."

If there's one thing Lena hates, is when her intelligence is doubted. People can insult the way she looks, the way she talks or even the way she  _is_ , and she'll probably not even care. But all it takes is an off-handed comment on her intelligence that she starts swimming in self-consciousness.

Except that when it comes from  _him,_ she gets angry.

"It was a mistake. It wasn't my intention to help him in any way."

"I didn't believe you when you said that before. I'm not taking any chances now."

She scoffs, "Save it. Whatever you believe makes no difference to me."

"You're just like him."

"Just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I'm as crazy or evil as my brother."

"You're Luthors, I can't afford to believe you make mistakes."

"And you're Clark Kent, I can't afford to respect you. You´re no saint." She accuses. 

* * *

  _LuthorCorp had been inactive, after Lex's downfall. As if he had expected it, he made sure to name Lillian as acting CEO in his absence, but she couldn't care less about it, and with her occupied with exonerating him, the company took a long break before Lena stepped in._

_Moving through the things her brother left in his office still seems like breaking his privacy, but she thinks that if he was here, and sane, he'd prefer it was her than a complete stranger, meddling into his life without any actual interest in anything other than judging the infamous Lex Luthor._

_But it has to be her. She has to find out if there's still more out there that might compromise anyone's safety in every possible way. If there are any bombs left similar to the ones he exploded on the day of his confrontation with Superman. If there's any other trick up his sleeve that she doesn't know about. It's with that in mind that she accesses his computer - which took a lot of effort - to search through his emails, notes, documents, anything she could possibly find incriminating. That's when she finds his notes._

_On what, she doesn't know. They're written in a language she's sure no one's ever heard about, no doubt created by Lex in order to keep prying eyes such as hers, away._

_It takes her nearly four weeks to crack it._

_She finds a lot of information there, from Lex's thoughts to Superman's abilities, ending with weapons to destroy him._

_His descent to madness is clear there. Even his thoughts,  when written, translate very well his slow performance towards the state of mania. Slowly, his structured, objective sentences detailing the hero's powers are transitioned into ones filled with hatred and judgment towards Superman, a deep and thorough reflection in the value of his actions._

_Lena is mentioned there a couple of times, and her powers as well. She doesn't have the stomach to read them yet, afraid she'll find the same treatment of her name there, so she moves past them._

_But she learns a lot about her brother's life, things that she was too busy to notice, to know. Things that make her heart break a little more because of him._

_One of them is that Clark Kent and Superman are one and the same. And she doesn't have to read past many sentences to know how much that affected his brother._

 

* * *

 He moves towards her at a surprising speed, and their bodies would have probably collided if not for Kara, stopping him.

"Kal, stop!" Kara admonishes him, face deadly serious, and Lena loves her a bit more for it.

"How do you know my name?" He speaks loudly, fueled with anger and Lena won't let him off the hook so easy.

"I found it in Lex's journal years ago."

"Lex has a journal? Maybe that would help us find him. Where is it?"

"I would never let you touch it. Never." She wouldn't allow _him_ to break Lex's privacy like that. Maybe someone else, but not him. 

His face turns dark. "Why are you protecting him?" 

"I'm not protecting him. I want him locked up just as much as you."

"It doesn't seem like it at all."

"I'm just refusing to trust _you._  And you're too eghotistical to accept that."

"Me? Why?" He asks, offended, like there isn't any possible reason. 

"Because you betrayed him when he needed you the most!" 

"All I did was put him down, he did everything else by himself."

"You were supposed to be his best friend."

"And I was! But you can't possibly be suggesting I'd let him be free after the deaths he caused!" 

"I'm suggesting you told him who you were after calling him your best friend for 5 years."

He jerks with the accusation. "I- I wanted to, at first, but then he started hating Superman and I couldn't anymore."

 

She scoffs his responses, impatient. "You made a lot of mistakes that you easily excuse. But you still won't excuse mine."

Her response comes with a sense of finality, the argument being over. Everyone in the room, even agents she doesn't know, are staring. She thinks people don't see someone shouting in Superman's face often enough. So, no one can blame her if she feels a little proud of herself.

She's about to leave him there when he speaks again. 

"And where were you?" 

She stops, turns to him again, already knowing what he means but not wanting to go there, _at all_. 

"Excuse me?" 

"You're his sister. You're supposed to love him. You're even defending him right now. Where were you, as he slowly went insane?" 

Guilt flows into her insides without her permission, just like that. Well, she was locked in a lab when she first sensed it. Then she was running away from Lillian and struggling to build a life for herself, anonymous. Always focused on herself. 

"I wasn't there. I didn't see it happen." She swallows, the weight of the words pressing in both her heart and tongue.

He nods, sure of himself. 

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

She hates the hidden accusation and the scoff in his words. Feels the truth of it. 

"But don't think for a second I don't regret every day."

They stare at each other, completely distrustful of the one standing in front of them each, face dark and judgemental. 

It's Winn who stops it. 

"Um. Guys?" 

Everyone except them and Kara move towards his desk. "I found Lex's coordinates. He's at the Luthor Mansion here in National City. Again." 

"Okay, let's go, people." J'onn shouts and everyone starts moving around, collecting equipment. 

"Wait!" Lena screams suddenly and then moves towards her purse. "Lex is probably waiting for you, with kryptonite. So I took some precautions and I made a shield for you. So that you can't get infected by it." She says to Kara. 

Kara opens and closes her mouth for a while, not knowing what to say. Her eyes water and Lena doesn't know if she's made a mistake or not, so she drops the hand holding the small metal and decides she should probably apologize for crossing a line. 

Before she can, Kara speaks, genuinely. 

"Thank you." Her voice is low and her lip is trembling, and Lena thinks that if Kryptonite feels more or less like wolfsbane feels, then she understands the emotional state she's in. 

Love, Lena thinks, is making sure she'll see this pure happiness and appreciation on Kara more than enough times. 

"Here," Lena says, as she pulls her hands away from Kara's to press the metal into the emblem on Kara's chest ( _and she honestly didn't really think this trough because this is not the time to touch Kara's boobs)._

She feels pride as it fixates there, delimiting Kara's crest. 

"Do you have one for me as well?" Superman asks, completely ruining the moment. 

She rolls her eyes, making sure he sees the movement. Honestly, she really wanted to say  _no,_ just let her brother have his revenge and see him burn in a green fire. But that particular vision comes in a barely a second flash, and even if she wants to, she knows she'd never intentionally hurt him. "Yes, I made a spare one in case this one broke."

After that, the rooms hectic energy is put into finding the necessary equipment and making the team arrangements and discussing plans. Either way, Lena doesn't pay much attention. Not with the way Kara has been gripping her hand, with a strength that Lena suspects if she were human would have broken her bones, with a conflicted expression reflecting off the frown of her face. She understands, after all, they are seconds from a probable trap from Lex Luthor, or at the very least on the way to meeting him, and that only by itself brings so many unknown dangers. Lena is about to ask what's on her mind or attempt to brighten her mood when J'onn orders everyone to start moving. 

"Wait!" Kara says, anxiety still very clear on her features. She turns to a concerned Lena, but really everyone else in the room is waiting to hear the words that are going to be coming out of her mouth. "I don't think you should go."

"Kara, there's no time for this. What are you talking about?" Asks a slightly frustrated Lena, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

Kara sighs, shakes her head. "Look, you better than anyone know him, you know how smart he is. So why would he talk to you on the phone, almost taunting you, for then allowing us to track his phone?" 

Lena understands, she does. But there's no time to discuss this. "It's precisely because I know him better than anyone, including you, that I have to go."

"No. You can't. He wants you there, so you have to stay here."

Lena is _mad_ now. "No. I'm coming with you."

"No. You're not. I won't allow it." Kara raises her voice then, and Lena flinches, before looking her straight in the eye. 

 "Good thing it's not your call." 

"But it is mine," J'onn says, loud enough to shut everyone's whispers commenting on the scene Lena thinks it's _totally_ onlySupergirl's fault. "And I agree with her. Mon-El, stay here with her and make sure she doesn't leave."

He reluctantly looks between him and Lena, and the latter is praying that he'll refuse because his objection might be enough to allow her to bargain her way out of here with them, but finally he nods his assurance to J'onn. 

Lena hates them all right now. 

She's walking away when she hears Kara's "Lena, please-" but she doesn't turn back to look at any one of them before she interrupts with a "Save it." and moves to another room, Mon-El hot on her tail. 

. 

 Punch. 

_I can't believe they would do this to me._

Punch. 

 _Especially Kara._  

Punch. 

_Lex is my responsibility._

Punch.

_How dare they keep me away?_

Punch.

_Maybe I can ditch Mon and go there by myself._

Punch.

"I actually feel bad for that inanimate object." Mon-El whistles. 

They've been in the training room for a while now, ever since the others left. The room is silent except for the noise of the occasional comment Mon-El makes that goes unanswered and the repetitive hits of Lena's fists on the punching bag. 

"Would you like to replace it?" There's a hostility in her voice that it's hard to keep out, and she actually doesn't want to. 

His eyes widen as he shakes his head no and puts his arms in the air, in a show of surrender. 

None of them utters a word for several minutes until Lena can't seem to keep her thoughts to herself, instead mutters them loud enough for him to hear. 

"I can't believe they left me here."

"I think it's for your own good."

"I don't feel good at all right now."

"If you went with them and gotten hurt you would be no use."

"If they get hurt and I'm out here then I'm no use."

"But at least you'd be okay."

"They might not be."

"They can take care of themselves."

"Are you saying that I can't?" 

"Well, you were hurt enough to be unconscious only two weeks ago."

"That wasn't my fault."

"This way you don't get hurt and it's no one's fault."

"But if you keep taking their side over mine _you_ might get hurt."

"Come on, Lena. See it from our point of view."

She scoffs. She's tried, over and over, and she gets it. She truly understands the need to keep people safe, especially the ones she loves. But why can't anyone see it from her point of view? Is it really hard to see that she feels responsible? She was the one who started this feud with her brother by simply coming into the family and then being the cause of the serum's existence. Staying at the DEO while everyone else is fighting for her, against her own brother, is wrong. It makes her feel restless, guilty.  _Angry._

"Then you guys try to see it from mine. This is my responsibility. I should be there."

With that, she walks away. She moves fast out of the room, fed up even by Mon-El's presence. 

"Hey! Wait!" She bears his hurried footsteps coming closer. "Where are you going?" 

"Bathroom. Why, wanna come with?" She asks, sarcastically. 

He only shrugs. "Sure." He starts moving towards the direction of the bathroom until he takes notice of her face. 

Her  _are you serious?_  face. 

"Oh. Oh! Nevermind, I'll just wait here for you."

 

.

 

Only two hours pass before they're back, and that's the first warning bell in Lena's mind. Her time had been spent either punching things, mistreating Mon-El, or in the position, she is right now - laying in a DEO couch she found in one storage room, thinking. 

She wakes up to the footsteps of the team arriving as well as Mon's breathing from the place he's sleeping just outside the door. He had realized how Lena didn't want his company at all, and finally decided to put some distance between them, although not enough to allow her to be out of his range. She wakes him before moving to the room where everyone else is. 

Once she gets there, she's completely shocked. She starts freezing from within, the core of her bones unmoving as the chill travels her whole body, from the inside out, leaving goosebumps on its way. 

Her brother is standing there, looking her straight in the eyes. In handcuffs, being held by both Kara and Clark. 

Something isn't right. It just isn't possible that Lex Luthor, someone who was miraculously found just hours ago, was also miraculously taken in - especially when you consider the fact that the last time he was wanted, it took almost a  _war_ to get him, one that even Superman almost didn't escape.

"Lena! Did you miss me?" 

His smirk is devilish, even when he's in handcuffs in the hands of not one, but two supers. That's another warning bell that vibrates painfully inside her brain. Lex Luthor would  _never_ be so calm while being dragged by the hands of the two people he hated the most unless he  _wanted_ to be.

"Lex. Can't say I do." 

He only laughs at that, carefree. Lena knows that this shouldn't be happening. 

Her brother is the smartest man she has ever met. He's not only smart but very persistent when it comes to revenge. So how come that this man, who has been locked up for years with nothing but time on his hands to think about all the things he might do when he gets out, managed to get himself arrested in such short time. 

_This isn't right._

"Did you come because you knew I was here?" 

Everyone's surprised at that. She saw Kara's uncertain look ever since she walked inside, exchanging worried glances with J'onn ever since they arrived. But J'onn surely didn't hear anything alarming in Lex's mind, and both her and Kara knew it was because Lex wouldn't allow him to, and neither would Lillian. Lex almost seems proud, and Lena reprimands herself when she realizes it causes a certain warmth inside her - her long needed recognition of her traits from her brother betrays her far more often than it should.

"You were always smart. No wonder everyone believed you were a Luthor." His smile is almost gentle enough that she  _almost_ believed he was actually being his sweet old self again. It's easy to lose herself in her memories when the reality of what he's become is so haunting.

"Unfortunately now it means people believe that I'm a criminal." 

He scoffs, "Don't mind the people, they're naive, they'll believe everything the press says." He says with a pointed look at Clark, who meets it head-on, almost without fear, even if he's shifting on his feet. 

"Well, can't say they were wrong about you or mother." 

"No. I suppose they weren't. Anyway, you were correct. I am here for you. I was hoping you'd make it easy and come to me instead, but imagine my surprise when you weren't."

"You obviously had a plan B."

"Yes. You do enjoy making things hard for me. Anyway, shall we get to the point, Lena?" Shes tired of pointing out to herself that this is not the Lex she once knew, and judging by the maniac look on his face, he never will be.

"What do you want from me, Lex?"

"I just want you, Lena. Preferably dead."

She expects what happens next - it was promised to her on the very same day he was taken away. It's depressing to think that this moment was what kept him from completely losing his touch with reality, as if the thought of finally taking his revenge on her was the only reason to keep him going, inside his own head. 

With that, he breaks his handcuffs. His eyes shine blue and his veins grow bigger with his ears. She almost envies how he has much more control than she has over her own powers. 

Then, he jumps towards her.

 


	17. Chapter 17

Lena believes that once someone is on the very edge between life and death, their lives will be nothing but a recollection of moments. The ones that carved themselves to their minds due to their significance, their value. So, of course, they would say life is short. As you look back, you can only see those selected situations that molded you into who you are, but never the small ones that somehow glued you together. She has always thought of herself as a gluer, almost insignificant in everybody's life, sooner or later. That was until she realized of the amount of power she has to destroy. And Lex is living proof of that.

He jumps towards her, but he doesn't come very close before Superman snags him mid-air and changes his route towards some desks, then proceeds to block his way. 

Supergirl moves in front of her, arms stretched out in a defensive pose, blocking every danger away from Lena. Right at that moment, as a Super, someone who her family has sworn on their deaths, Lena realizes that she's the odd one in, the black sheep in the family. The one who needs to end it before an innocent outsider such as Kara ends up getting hurt.

Bullets are fired, numerous DEO agents walk in the room and raise their weapons towards Lex, but the shots don't penetrate his skin, even if he visibly feels the pain of them. 

He laughs, loud and echoing. Lena is not sure if the hollowness she hears is because of the size of the room or the intimidating way he focuses on her that makes all her senses focus on him. "I can't believe that with all that power you still hide behind two Supers."

"Don't listen to him." Kara says. 

"This is your battle, Lena. Our battle." Lex announces. 

Lena knows he's right. This is what she's been thinking all afternoon after they left, and now, even if she's scared to death, it's her opportunity to honor her own thoughts. 

She removes her necklace and hands it to Kara, who's just looking at her with pleading eyes, silently saying  _don't do it, please_ but Lena has to. She hopes her eyes say that too. 

The difference is dizzying, once it's removed. Her senses are invaded with scents and sounds. Lex's scent is strong, so strong that her nostrils itch uncomfortably, almost making her sneeze. It's sweat and cologne and craziness all mixed together. She gives in to the warmth in her body, and it's not long until she's seeing things even more clearly than before. Her teeth slowly crawl out of her gums, her ears turn pointy and focused on her brother. All her senses are attuned to him.

It's hard to describe the way she experiences the world when she's turned, mostly because her experiences are always different with every time she turns. There are times that everything becomes overwhelming - as if a button was clicked and suddenly every possible noise that was previously muted by her own mind, comes alive and echoes inside her own skull; her mind processes so many different things at the same moment that she can barely focus on anything. 

Other times, like this one, for instance, it seems as if the only remote was only connected to Lex. All she sees, with a clear and insightful definition, is him. Every twitch, every movement is seen as if she was standing a small meter from him. No other's heartbeat sounds in her ears besides his, same for his breathing. Almost as if she was ready to hunt, and he's her prey.

"You're beautiful, Lena." She's hurt that he'll only ever say this while she's this way. Lex's is so obsessed with power that only he would find this ridiculous way of being and appearance something  _beautiful._ It saddens her just as much as it angers her.

"You are delusional." She forces out through her sharpened teeth.

"There's no such thing, Lena. How can I be delusional, if none of us live on the same reality?" He smirks, endlessly amused. "We experience the world in different ways, everyone's vision clouded by their past, their thoughts and emotions. There is no common ground when even the same narratives translate into different feelings on different people."

Under normal circumstances (or what she assumes her younger years with him would have been), she'd be happy to discuss this with him. But not now.

"You're right. But your reality itself is an illusion - to think that you're better than any of us, after being defeated over and over again. I'm not scared of you, Lex. You talk a big game, but in the end, you started this war because  _you_ were afraid of  _me."_ She mimics his expression, although her heart is beating with so much force that makes her sure that at the end of this she'll break, no matter what.

His face turns redder with the accusation, almost comically so. 

"I am not scared of any of you!"

At Lena's unimpressed look, he continues.

"You'd think that I, Lex Luthor, could ever be afraid of someone who is afraid of  _herself?_   Wake up, Lena. Now, who's the delusional one?"

"I'm afraid because I actually have a conscience. Because I, unlike you, care for the effects my actions have on others. So my decisions are made based on their consequences. You should try it sometime."

He laughs, loud and sharp. "That's how your  _emotions_ affect you, Lena. Taking other's feelings into consideration is stupid when sometimes not doing it can bring so much more good."

"How could the deaths of hundreds be good? Are you that crazy?"

"I am not crazy!" He screams. "I am simply the only one who can look into the future and realize some sacrifices must be made!"

She ponders his words. "How come you never sacrifice yourself then? Those are lies, and you know it. You don't want the world to be _better,_ you just want to be able to control it. Because right now, you're weak, and no great leader can be weak."

"I am not weak. Look at me, right now, Lena. Do I seem weak to you?" He asks as he bares his canines to her, big and intimidating.

"You are weak if you think that  _that_ makes you any better."

"It makes me better than you. Good doesn't win, Lena. Open your eyes and you'll see that there's evil in every good thing in the world."

"I might be just as evil as you, but there is a difference. I care enough to realize when the bad outweighs the good. I care enough to stop it if that's the case. That's consciousness. _"_

"Oh, Lena, you just care too much, and that's what's wrong with you."

"You just don't care about anyone but yourself, and that's what's wrong with you."

They stare at each other for a few moments. They're still far from one another, neither of them moving in the midst of their conversation. Actually, no one else in the room has moved, too busy focusing on the conversation going on between the siblings to actually act. 

Lena turns to Kara, who's directly behind her, her warmth hitting Lena's back although Lena hadn't noticed until now. Her eyes are concerned, almost afraid, even with the way she's focusing on Lex. Lena knows that Kara is analyzing his every move, her protectiveness not allowing her to be taken by surprised whenever Lex decides to attack. She turns to look at Lena though, looks her in the eye with the same protectiveness displayed, as if reassuring Lena she'll never let anything happen to her. _Just protect yourself,_ Lena thinks.

"Oh, no."

She turns to glare at Lex, broken out of her reverie by his words. His face is a weird mixture of surprise and disgust, and Lena doesn't«t like whatever connection he just made.

"Lena, how could you?" He asks, shocked. "How could you have been so stupid?"

There's some movement then, all her friends, simultaneously, step forward. All of them seem ready to defend her honor, and if she wasn't so  _offended_ because, once again, she hurts being considered anything but clever, she'd notice them and have her heart momentarily warmed. But all her body is incredibly chilled and coiled and ready to attack by the implicit threat on her relationship with Kara or whatever he has noticed.

But as everyone takes a single step forward, she takes several until she's fairly close to her brother.

"What?" She asks annoyed.

He shakes his head, seemingly angrier by the second as his voice raises in volume as well.

"Out of all people, a Super?"

"You don't know what you're talking about."

"You had to fall in love with Supergirl, didn't you. Just to spite me." The force with which he says those words makes them accompanied by spit.

"You're such an egotistical bastard... Not everything is about you!"

He just looks at her for a few moments, and Lena does the same. His bald head shinier by the sweat that courses between his impossibly shiny and bluer eyes, the streams losing themselves with the drool coming out of his parted mouth due to the heavy pants of breath he draws between his own fangs.

"You're a disappointment, Lena. She's not even worth it. She's just like her cousin, just wait until she betrays you as Clark did-"

He doesn't finish his statement because Lena's fist interrupts it. She doesn't know what came over her, but his words crashed into her like a wave that forced her hand to move forcibly, to make him shut his mouth. One fist isn't enough, and he hasn't even recuperated from the shock, nor the pain before Lena is landing another.

He's quick to come to his senses though, and it doesn't take long until they're legitimately fighting. Lena hasn't really fought everyone before, so she's simply moving by both instinct and smarts, subconsciously hoping for the best.

Just as she's about to punch him another time, he suddenly grabs her arm and spins her in the air briefly before she flies against a desk, groaning.

She hears Kara scream to catch his attention so that he doesn't attack Lena again, but before she moves to him, Hank and Lillian fly through the DEO's window, the latter carrying a large gun that Lena's sure is better than any other at the DEO, and many men all dressed black flow into the bullpen as well. Kara has no choice but to fight those, reluctantly leaving Lena to her own fate, after the CEO repeatedly told her to.

The building is a mess now. Grunts and screams make themselves known as weapons are fired and punches are thrown.

Lena gets up just as Lex comes charging for her, and she is barely able to dodge his body colliding with hers. She uses his momentum against him, pushes him towards the wall and follows it with a series of punches that are hardly covered by his flailing arms.

This keeps going for a long time - everyone in the large room is fighting intensely, grunts of effort released from everyone's mouth - until Lena is exhausted. Lex is much stronger than her, for some reason. Right here, right now, she regrets not giving into herself before. Maybe, just maybe, if she had turned, if she had given into herself completely, this wouldn't be happening. She could have trained, and develop all her abilities more. Maybe she wouldn't be so tired after fighting with someone who has the same power as her for much, much less time. Mostly, she would have the confidence and the knowledge to struggle her way out of this successfully - like Kara and Clark, that know exactly the extent of themselves and fight while conscious of their limits and extents. She's sure Lex's confidence comes from his own, messed up ideals. His desire to defeat not only her but all of his enemies is so strong that nothing can get in the way. Lena wishes she could have something that strong to fight for.

"You're pathetic, Lena." He pants, tired and visibly beaten as well, but still with his composure, unlike Lena, who's bleeding and can barely stay on her own feet.

Lena just shrugs, focusing on paying attention to his movements in hopes her tiredness won't retard her if he suddenly attacks her.

Meanwhile, Kara comes towards them. Angry and concerned.  _Super._

Superman is holding Henshaw alongside Mon-El just as Alex and J'onn are securing Lillian. Her weapon is crushed on the ground not too far from them, as well as the men who accompanied them. Some are holding different parts of their bodies, grunting. Others aren't even awake to feel the pain yet.

"Look who's decided to fight for you, Lena. You should be embarrassed." Lex says, tilting his head towards Kara while glaring at Lena.

Just as quickly as he muttered those words, he jumps towards Kara, catching both girls unguarded.

They struggle against each other, and Lena just stares, sluggish and tired.

Kara fights him better than Lena ever will - with grace and strength, focusing on anticipating his movements before fighting back. But no matter how strong and experienced she is, Lex is smarter. It doesn't take long before she's trapped on the ground, Lex's hands wrapped tightly around her neck while he screams profanities right at her face.

* * *

_Ever since Lena can remember, her house has always been quiet. Usually, the only people available to socialize are her and her mother, when the latter isn't busy herself, doing things Lena is told_ are not meant for girls her age to know about, _along with a kiss in the head_.  _Lena chooses not to think much of it. The guards are scattered around the house's numerous rooms, doing God knows what, and the others are out, evaluating the outskirts and keeping the property safe from unwanted outsiders._

_So, she's the only one who's solely running around the house, entertained in some kind of play her own mind projected for her to play with her lone self._

_Today, she's endlessly tedious. Her mother had warned her that she would not be playing with Lena today because she had some work to do out in the city. No matter how much Lena asked her mother to accompany her, the older woman would not allow her, scared of what could possibly happen to the 7-year-old._

_She wasn't necessarily mad about it, even if she pouted almost hard enough to change her mother's mind - almost. But she is sad and lonely and bored._

_She continues her path around the house, looking at the walls in case she finds something - anything really - that she hasn't seen before and let her mind set free in itself about its story. It's a game she's familiarized herself with when she's alone. It's in the middle of her search that her father finds her, his eyes amused once Lena locks her own with his._

_"Dad!" She says, as she runs and jumps towards him with her arms outstretched._

_He catches her easily, wide smile in his face as he circles and tightens them around Lena's tiny frame, lovingly. Healing the broken parts of their hearts after so much time apart._

_"I missed you so much, little lady!" He says, with a laugh._

_"I missed you too, Papa!" She says gleefully as well._

_He puts her down on the ground, and they both run their own eyes along the other's frame, allowing themselves to catalog the details time has changed. But father looked the same to her. His dark brown hair short and wild on his head, with a matching un-shaved beard from where his white teeth appear. His smile is as warm as his dark blue round, wrinkled-happy eyes._

_"It's been a long time, hasn't it?"  He asks, eyebrows coming closer in guilt. Lena pouts and nods in way of answering. "I'm so sorry, Lena. But papa has so much work to do..."_

_Lena sighs, not really understanding. "It's okay, Papa, I understand."_

_They move towards the living room. He sits on the couch, removing his shoes soundly before stretching himself on the length of the sofa. He wiggles his eyebrows at her before grabbing her and depositing her on his chest, Lena giggling happily through the process._

_They quiet down and watch television, silently. A kids show runs on the TV and Lena's sure her dad likes it much more than her, due to the way he chuckles happily to every little thing, Lena contagiously following. It isn't long until he falls asleep though._

_When he wakes up, hours later - time that Lena passed silently staring at the TV or setting every one of her father's features to memory, in case he's gone again and she'll have to resign herself to seeing him inside her own head._

_As soon as his eyes open, she can't help but ask._

_"You're always so tired, Papa. Why do you keep working?"_

_He sighs. "Because I have to, Lee. I want to keep you and your mother safe, forever."_

_"But you're always out, we barely see you. We miss you so much."_

_He holds her tighter to his chest, caressing her back as well._

_"I'm sorry. I miss you two so much as well."_

_"Then why do you go?"_

_Once again, he sighs before answering._

_"Sometimes you have to make sacrifices to protect the ones you love."_

* * *

She sees Kara struggle, moving just enough that Lex almost loses his balance. But just as quickly as Lena's chest exhales with a little bit of relief, she inhales worry again. 

Lex seems to enjoy the sight of his hands around a Super's neck, no matter which, so much so that he seems to get stronger and stronger, unlike Kara. She sees the veins under his eyes get bigger and bigger and redder and redder until he looks like the devil himself, all in the span of a few seconds. Kara's face, on the other hand, turns whiter and whiter, either from fear or from the lack of breath, but Lena is certainly not going to dwell on it.

As if the exhaustion was never a part of her - as if it hadn't settled into her bones just minutes ago and left them with an undying heaviness - she speeds towards them.

The noise has returned to the room, people scream both Kara's and Lena's name, unsure if letting go of the ones their holding is the wise choice. Lena doesn't want them to, and she proves to them there's no need.

Her body collides with her brother's soundly, and they both spin over each other on the ground. Meters from them, on the ground, Kara coughs and clutches her chest, winded.

There's a fire ignited inside Lena's body, hot and burning through her skin, traveling through her muscles in the form of strength, and the sounds of Kara's tiny, barely audible whimpers only fuel it. So she settles on top of him, successfully holding his hands against the grounds and using her own legs as a trap for Lex's, rendering him immobile.

Her brother looks at her, and Lena sees something in his eyes that shouldn't satisfy her, but it does - _fear._  She doesn't know whats changed between moments ago when he was mocking her and slowly but surely defeating her to now, where he stares at her with his lips parted and eyes wide.

She only hears Alex running to Kara's side, asking if she's okay as she holds her head up. Kara doesn't speak, Lena doesn't think she can as she hears her miserable attempts at breathing. 

"Haven't you done enough already?" She screams at Lex's face.

He's unresponsive as he stares at her at first. Then, he comes to his senses. He attempts to escape from her hold, but he's unsuccessful. 

Lena's mind is a mess - it has accomplished the impossible task of mashing everything around her together. She focuses on Lex and his eyes and his attempts to leave but all she hears is Kara and her whimpers and Alex's apologies and reassurances. Also, the flame inside her keeps burning brighter every second until she's afraid she'll set herself on literal fire.

Lex hisses, and Lena realizes her grip on him his impossibly tight.

"Just stop, Lex!" She pants, closing her eyes in an effort to control herself. "I don't want to hurt you!"

"You couldn't even if you wanted to, Lena. You're pathetic. Can't even hurt the man who's killed thousands of innocent people!" She isn't sure anymore if the one speaking those words is Lex or the voice inside her own head. Everything is so mixed inside her head she couldn't even recognize her own voice.

So she shakes it, tries in vain to only focus on something that isn't how much she feels like she's melting.

"Couldn't even do anything more than watching as your family died, one by one, by the same man who you afterwards claimed to adore!"

"Letting yourself be trapped by mere humans while you possessed power enough to escape!"

"You're so pathetic that the woman you love almost lost her life to the hands of your brother because you were too tired to fight."

She's only aware of one thing - the blaze inside her is so bright that she can't handle it anymore.

There's a soft touch in her arm, a connection with barely any strength behind it that lasted less than a second. But it's enough to burn so much that she hisses and moves back. Kara is there in front of her, and once Lena's eyes raise themselves to hers, Kara takes a step back, surprise crossing over her features. Lena doesn't understand her reaction. Couldn't understand it even if she wanted with the haze on her brain. All she sees is the panic in everyone's eyes as she looks at them.

Then, completely by accident, she catches her own reflection on Kara's chest shield. At first, she's intrigued and confused with the monster that stares right at her, until she realizes that  _it is_ her. Her green eyes are surrounded by a blood red sclera, thick and sickly veins covering the majority of the surface of her flushed face and lips, bloodied and adorned with sharper teeth.

She stumbles back, due to the shock, only to trip on something on the ground. She looks down only to find Lex, laying there, unresponsive. "No, no" she mutters, as she crouches down next to it. She vaguely hears Lillian's screams and insults but pays them no mind. She puts her hand on his neck, praying hard that she'll find a pulse. 

Gladly, she does. Lena feels relieved, but it lasts barely a second. Because she sees the state of which his face is in - Three major claw marks run down his left eye, hot trails of blood falling off of them. There's a huge bruise forming there as well, and Lena's calming down enough to understand what happened.

She almost killed her brother.

 


	18. Chapter 18

Every witness in the room is processing the events and outcomes of everything that happened. If Lena were normal, the room would be dead silent, not a single word muttered as people stare right at her. But Lena isn't normal. And the room is very very loud. She hears hertbeats, unsycronized and loud and intusive. It makes her head pound with every single contraction. 

She's still staring at Lex, at his beaten face and her own signature now painted on his skin. The fire she feels on her throat has not yet been extinguished, and she tries to swallow it down with some desperation, but to no avail, which only makes her own heart beat painfully faster. 

"Is he alive?" Lillian's scream pushes through the haze of Lena's mind with some clarity. Lena turns to look at her, guilt evident on her features.

"Yes. He's just unconscious." She says, shakily. Then, numerous exhales break through the room. She realizes that everyone expected her to have killed him, to have succumbed to herself. Truth is she did, and she's not sure what stopped her from doing it completely. 

Her hands come to her face, hesitantly, afraid of what they're going to find. They're trembling - now that Lena notices, all her body is trembling. Once the skin of her digits contacts with the skin of her face and the veins that expel from it, the first things she notices is the ledges and the strength with which they pulse. She runs her fingers through them, slowly, careful of the sensitiveness the movement causes her.

"You're a monster!" Her supposed foster mother shouts at her. She doesn't even turn to her, simply accepting her words as something she's already aware of.

The room starts moving again. Alex takes the three steps she needed to finally come close to Lena and Lex's body on the ground, crouching near the latter to examine his wounds and his overall state. Lillian and Hank are carried towards the holding cells and the men still laying on the ground are handcuffed as well. Lena stares mindlessly as it all happens.

"Maybe you should go and try to calm yourself." It's J'onn who says it, with a gentle squeeze to her right shoulder. She doesn't dare to look at him, or anyone else, afraid of what she might find in their faces as they stare back at her. She simply nods, and with her head tilted down, moves towards J'onn's office.

Once she's inside and locks the door, she sits on the small couch to the corner of the room. 

* * *

_At the Luthor mansion, the only real place she ever truly felt at home was on her room - before being sent to school or being locked in the AcoLab. The satisfaction of staying up until the crack of dawn, being enveloped by the light of the stars and the protectiveness of the moon on the sky, is something that she cherishes more now than she did when her birth parents were still alive. The feelings that overcome her as she stares up at the sky are the same she felt when they would hold her, and she's decided she won't make the same mistake of taking it for granted._

_You only value people once you lose them. She's read this sentence in various books, but she can't wrap her mind around it. She has always given their parents all the valorization they deserved, but now that they're gone it seems as if they deserve more - as if Lena appreciated them more then, they wouldn't have left. And if she does it now, they might just come back. That's probably why it hurts so much knowing they won't._

_One night, as she tilts her head towards the light coming from the window over her bed, Lex comes into her room. She's startled because it's late and Lex should be sleeping now, as should her. She raises her eyebrows at him as he tips towards her bed, not making much noise aware of his mother's light sleeping. She can't help the smile that tugs on her lips at her brother's care._

_He sits on the head of her bed, right next to her. Their knees are touching, and Lena feels warm inside, something akin to love finally resurfacing inside her after she lost all her loved ones. She figures she might consider Lex her family, from now on. She blinks a couple of times at the thought._

_Lex doesn't really say anything for a long time, comfortably staring at the sky alongside Lena, although she's sure he doesn't feel nearly as much as she does.  After some time, he starts telling her about the constellations, some of them she already knew of, because her mother had told them to her. She listens anyway because if she tries hard enough, she might even hear her mother's voice instead of his. She stops trying eventually, because she would be alone without them, but now she has Lex, an Lena figures that, in the future, it should be enough._

_"What is it about the night that you love so much?" He asks, gentle and curious._

_She shrugs, not knowing how to put everything that gazing upwards makes her feel into words. "It makes me feel good. Safe."_

_"Did you do it back home?"_

_"Yes. My mother and I sometimes fell asleep in the garden because we'd stay up late outside just to stare at the moon."_

_He hums, suddenly compassionate. "I'm not sure anyone has said this to you yet, but I'm really sorry for everything that you've lost."_

_Tears gather in her eyes, as she turns to look at him intently, just like he's looking at her. Truth be told, no one has ever said that to her. Only Brenda. She_ _hugs him, arms strong around his admittedly skinny frame, but he doesn't complain, only holds her back with equal enthusiasm._

_When Lillian comes into her room the next day and screams at his presence still wrapped around Lena, the younger girl still can't manage to be sad about it._

* * *

The trembling of her limbs still hasn't subsided, neither has the heat under her skin. Adrenaline courses through her veins and no matter how much she tries, she can't seem to calm down. 

Images of herself and Kara run through her mind. Her reaction to Lena's appearance haunts her, her startled face as Lena turns in her direction, the goosebumps that broke out of her skin. The thought of being that scary to even Kara unbalances more than she should. She knows it was an understandable reaction, after all, Lena surprised even herself when she realized how she looked, but her wolf can't help but feel hurt that it scared its  _mate._

Everything feels complicated in her life.

There's a knock on the locked door, and Kara's voice shines through it. "Lena? Can I come in?"

Lena doesn't answer. She doesn't even know if her voice would work with the lump that sits heavily on her throat.

"Please, Lee."

The pleading tone hits her in the stomach, rousing feelings she really can't afford to be feeling right now. Either way, she decides to move to the door, aware that Kara might even stand there all afternoon just so she can make sure Lena's okay.

The lock turns, and Lena moves quickly to the couch, not facing the door as Kara comes in and closes the door behind herself. She settles right beside Lena and deposits a feathery hand onto her trembling thigh. It makes her heart race even if Kara's warmth manages to uncloud her brain. Her interactions with Kara are one of the things that feel immensely complicated because no matter how  _right_ it feels to Lena, she manages to become even more confused. How can Kara's presence calm her at the same time it scares her? She supposes that's what loving someone you shouldn't feels like.

"Are you feeling okay?" Her voice is as gentle and soothing as her touch.

"No."

There's a silence after that. After a few seconds, Kara moves to settle on the ground in front of Lena, not breaking the contact between her hand and Lena's leg. 

Instinctively, Lena turns her face away, uses her hair to hide it. She knows the state she's in, knows the reaction Kara had to it before as it runs through her mind right now, and she sure as hell doesn't want to see it happen again. She feels vulnerable, even if she's supposedly on her strongest form, and she's not brave enough to share this vulnerability with Kara, unsure if Kara would have the stability to handle it. And Lena can't blame her if she didn't.

A warm hand pushes her hair away, settles it behind her ear. Lena turns her neck around as much as possible, resisting Kara's efforts, eyes shut tightly closed that flashes of red appear behind her closed eyelids.

"Lena, please look at me."

There's something so addictive about her. So contradictory. How can someone so intimidating and strong as Kara, who depends on these straits to effectively protect the world, become so gentle and loving with the ones she loves? Her voice, loud and clear with assuredness can turn low and soothing with undying compassion that heals any broken heart. It's such a  _Kara_ trait.

Lena inhales deeply, once then twice, convincing herself that nothing's going to change after Kara looks at her, actually sees her for who she really is.

She turns her head, slowly, towards the direction of Kara's voice, but keeps her eyes shut. 

Light fingers run through her face, following every crease they find with extreme care and reverence. They're light but assured in their quest, and that's what makes Lena, albeit reluctantly, open her eyes. Kara gasps when Lena does, and the latter can almost see their horrible reflection on Kara's blue ones, but she doesn't have time to close them or turn away again before Kara takes a tender hold oh her face with both of her hands and gazes deeply into them. Lena searches her face for something, but it's relaxed and curious. 

Kara's warmth and love settle around her, a radiation her body gladly absorbs, and it finally calms her down. Her eyes slowly reduce their brightness, and she feels her face morph around the press of Kara's fingertips, returning to normal. Kara simply looks at her through it all, mesmerized. Which is just as Lena feels as she looks at Kara.

She feels it in her heart as everything finally clicks into place. Lena is in love with Kara, who seems to love her back. Everything makes sense. There's no point in trying to find excuses as to why it couldn't possibly work when after everything that they learned could separate them just managed to bound them even more strongly together.

"Kara. Is Lena feeling better?" They both startled at Alex's voice in the comm placed inside Kara's ear.

Lena nods, smiling at Kara ressuringly. Kara smiles back.

"Yeah."

"Good, come meet us."

 

.

 

As soon as both Kara and Lena meet the others, the CEO is immediately met with both overexcited Mon-El and Winn, who rush towards her like two puppies, hopping between their own two feet once they stop to stand in front of Lena.

"Oh, my God Lena that was so cool!" Mon starts, with a large smile on his face.

"So badass!" Winn continues, nodding vigorously at Mon-El.

"Yeah!"

Lena's eyes are wide, surprise written all over her face. Not only because of their apparent okayness towards her recent "discovery", but also due to the compliments they're sending her way. It doesn't last long, though.

"Has this ever happened before?" Asks J'onn, not rudely.

She can't remember a time she has ever felt so out of control of herself, so possessed but strangely  _determined._ "No. It hasn't."

"Should we be worried?"

Lena ponders for only a moment. "Yeah, I think we should."

Behind her, Kara settles her hand on Lena's lower back,  _a little lower than she usually would,not that Lena is complainig,_ and speaks. "We'll speak about this later. What is going to happen to Lex and Lillian?"

J'onn hides his concerns easily, adapting his mask of professionalism. "There's a team shortly coming in to take them back into prison and to discuss any changes in their sentence as they see fitting."

"I think it's safe to say that, for now, the battle is over," Alex says, smiling.

Everyone in the room nods, relief evident in the way the tension previously settled on their features dissolves with the breath they release.

Lena's phone rings, so she excuses herself, giving a mental farewell to the warmth Kara's touch provided.

"Hello?"

"Miss Luthor! I was worried, it's been a few days since I've heard from you..."

"Hey, Jess. I miss you too." Lena answers, amusement evident in her tone, hoping it will reassure the woman on the end of the line.

Jess laughs, "Me too. Anyway, the company is a mess. I've been trying my best but - "

"Don't worry Jess, I know it's not your fault. I'm on the way."

She returns to the others, already dreading the state that she suspects L-Corp is in, after so much drama. After Lillian's escape, Lena's arrest, and then Lex's escape, she's not sure if she can amend things anymore. She hadn't thought about it at all, and now she's sure she'll have work for months. She sighs as she walks in and everyone turns to look at her.

"What's wrong?" Kara asks, concerned.

Lena shakes her head minutely, actually sad because of the prospect of not spending much time with her (and the others) much longer because of the amount of work she'll have to do.

"I have to go back to L-Corp. Apparently, during my attempt at superheroing, things have gotten out of control."

Understanding clouds everyone's eyes.

"Well, I have to go now. There's really a lot to do -  that is if I keep the position after everything." She chuckles, not really amused.

"I'm sure it will be fine," Kara says, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and using the other to rub up and down Lena's own arm.

Lena nods, smiling, unsure but willing to give it the benefit of the doubt if only to show some appreciation to Kara's encouraging words.

"Well, we were thinking about going out for drinks tonight, to celebrate." Alex says, "Do you think you can make it?"

Lena rubs the back of her neck. "I don't think so... But go ahead without me, I don't mind."

"Nonsense, Lena. We'll go when you're available." Kara says.

"No, seriously. Go celebrate, then we can go _again_ when I'm free." She wiggles her eyebrows at all of them, and they laugh.

"Are you sure?" Alex asks, a smile on her lips.

"Absolutely."

After hugs are delivered to every one of her friends, plus a kiss on Kara's cheek that left them both slightly blushing, she parts.

 

.

 

She goes home to quickly shower and eat something before she's gone again.

The first thing she notices when she steps a foot inside the company is that it's a complete mess - employees walking around everywhere, hurriedly, with stress written all over their faces; others are on their desks, typing away at their computers shouting the occasional order to no one in specific, as far as Lena can tell.

When she gets out of the elevator on the floor of her office, Jess is there to greet her, worried eyes settling on her figure.

"How are you, Jess?"

"Miss Luthor, not that it isn't good to see you, but there's something more important that we really need to discuss."

"What is it?"

"There's been a proposal to buy the company. The board is really into it." Jess says, quickly.

"Who is the buyer?" Lena asks, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Jack Spheer."

Well, that's revoltingly surprising.

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

The day isn't even over, and Lena is already endlessly  _tired._

She has been busy all day. The first thing she did after arriving at her office, was talking to some of her employees. Both because they seem to really need the help, but also because in this crisis it seems smart to at least try and reunite as much support as possible. It's not like she bribed them or threatened their jobs or anything similar, but she did try her best to assist them in whatever issue they had at hands. This way, she also became more aware of the state her own company was in, and if it was recuperable or not.

She figured it is. But it will also take a  _lot_ of work.

That's not something she would usually mind. In the past, work seemed like a wonderful way of avoiding everything else she actually  _needed_ to deal with. It's monotony and rationality was a really good escape for the jumbled feelings she has always possessed. So she would gladly do it all and more than was actually necessary.

But now, well, that's obviously changed. 

If she could pinpoint the moment her life had completely once more changed on its axis, she would say it was when she met Kara. And she doesn't regret it  _at all._ Nor does she blame her. It seems that Kara rewoke something inside her that's she's not sure was ever awake in the first place. But now that she thinks of it, she's glad she met her. If it wasn't for her, Lena wouldn't have also met herself.

It's scary to think of falling in love when everyone she's ever loved has somehow disappeared. She used to think that it was all part of her curse. But Kara feels more like a blessing to her. And if she's bound to disappear as well, then Lena might as well now take their time for granted.

And that's majorly the reason while work seems so... impossible right now. As she looks at the stacks of papers still sitting on her desk, after attempting at completing them for two hours, she feels like whining. Just throwing herself on the ground and slam her fists on the ground as she whales loudly enough that Jess will send her home, even if Lena is the boss.

But of course, she won't do that.

As much as she doesn't feel like doing any work right now, this company has been her own investment ever since Lex let go of it. At first, it seemed a shame to throw into a strangers hands something Lionel worked so hard for. Then, it was her own escape, and it certainly helped her run away from her mind a lot. Unfortunately, now her mind is the one running away from her as she tries to focus on the task she's doing.

She massages her temples, mentally saying  _Focus focus focus_ over and over again, hoping she would listen to herself.

She can't possibly let Jack Spheer, the petulant gold digger _child_ take it from her. You could say she held a grudge.

And sure, it's not like she actually loved him, at least not like she loves Kara. But still, the amount of trust and thoughts she deposited on him now just seem pointless, as the only thing on his mind was either her money or his own fear of her. She's slightly proud of the latter now that she's accepted her wolf as who she is.

She doesn't know if this interest he has suddenly taken of the company is genuine or if it somehow just an attempt of revenge. If so, then she's absolutely mad that he'd attempt it especially at such a fragile time for both her and the company itself. She would at least expect a little consideration after the time they spent together. She would have it towards him, no doubt.

Stress is creeping in on her. She tries once more to focus on the task at hand.

Her phone rings though, and she's a little irritated that when she finally seemed to be able to concentrate just slightly, someone would call her. She doesn't even check the caller ID before she answers it, frustration evident on her tone.

"Hello?"

There's silence on the other end of the line for a few seconds, and then, "I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?"

Her heart expands with relief. "No, Kara. Of course not. I'm sorry, I'm just tired. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. I can call you later if you want?"

"No, no. I could really use a break." The sound of Kara's voice is enough to somehow levitate her spirits, almost as if the whisper that allows her to finally relax. So no, Lena is not hanging up just yet.

"How is everything?" Kara asks, compassionately.

"Honestly?" Lena says and pauses, thinking of an appropriate word to describe it, "Everything is shit." So yeah, that's not really an  _appropriate word,_ but it does a pretty good job of explaining it.

Kara laughs, surprised. Lena chuckles too. "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Well, would you be up to throwing someone into space?"

"Sure. Who is it?"

Lena laughs, already feeling softness sipping into her bones. "You wouldn't actually do it."

"Is that a challenge I hear?" Lena just laughs in response. "But seriously, who's causing such trouble?"

The CEO sighs, loud enough that even if Kara didn't have superhearing she's sure she would still hear it. "Jack Spheer. He's trying to buy the company from me."

Kara hums in response. "I've heard of him before. I think there was an article CatCo made on him a few months ago."

"Let's hope the next article about him is about his failure to buy L-Corp."

"I'm sure nobody can defeat the legendary Lena Luthor."

Lena raises an eyebrow in response before she realizes Kara can't see it. "Can I see you?" She says as she clicks on the Facetime button on her phone.

Kara's face appears on her screen, and Lena melts with it. Her sleepy eyes, as well as her beautiful make-up ridden skin enchants her. She seems angelical with the moonlight shining on her face, and Lena's heart thumps an extra beat. A soft smile tugs at her lips.

"I didn't know you were in bed already."

Kara sighs, relaxed. "I wanted to come to see you, before going to bed, but I didn't wanna distract you or anything."

"You're a very welcome distraction." Lena smiles at her, eyebrow raised playfully now that Kara can finally see it.

"I can go now if you want." She says, excited as she usually is.

Lena laughs, and she sees her own soft eyes staring at Kara on her phone. "Not that I wouldn't like that, really, but you seem pretty tired. And I have crazy amounts of things still left to do."

"Yeah, after that mess with Lex all the criminals in the city seemed to revolute as well. I'm so tired. I know you must be too." She stops and looks at Lena as the latter nods with pursed lips. "How are you holding up? After this afternoon, I mean."

"I'm relieved, honestly. Even if I'm sad and guilty that it happened in the first place, I'm happy it's finally over."

"You have nothing to be guilty of."

"I shouldn't have kept the serum."

"You had good intentions."

Lena sighs, relents, allowing herself to adapt some of Kara's positive thinking for herself. "Thank you, Kara. For everything."

Kara smiles through the phone, eyes soft and tired. "Always, Lena."

"You seem really tired, I should let you go."

Kara yawns just as Lena finishes her sentence, and they both laugh at her predictability.

"Are you going home any time soon?" She asks, concerned.

Lena sighs before answering. "I don't know. I think I'm just going to try and finish going over these proposals and then I'll go home."

"Okay... How long will that take though?" 

Lena pretends to think before she answers. "I should probably be done with it at like, nine AM, really."

"Lena!" Kara gasps, "That's like 8 hours away!"

The CEO laughs at Kara's reaction, amused and entertained and  _in love._ "I'm kidding. It'll probably take like an hour."

Kara pouts, one arm crossed on her chest as she sticks her bottom lip slightly out. "Promise?"

She smiles, a fond and tender curve of her lips that surely shows Kara the extent of her feelings for her, although Lena doesn't really mind that anymore. "I promise."

"Okay." She yawns again. "Can I come by with breakfast tomorrow?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay, Lena. See you tomorrow then."

.

 

 As soon as her head hits her pillow later that night, Lena's ready to finally fall asleep. It feels like this past week has been a mess of sleepless nights, and exhaustion, both physical and mental, due to all the stress.

 She closes her eyes, sighs deeply, already seeing the possibility of some rest behind her closed eyelids, but before she can reach it, her phone chimes from her nightstand. 

She blindly grabs it, not willing to open her eyes just yet. She does open them to unlock it, although it's a brief thing because the brightness of her screen blinds her, making her close them again with a scowl on her face. When she finally has the courage to face the unbearable, she finally manages to read the message, heart palpitating and sleepy smile forming at the sight of it.

_Kara: Sleep tight, Lee_

Her courage was indeed rewarded.

 

.

Five hours later finds Lena in her office, madly clicking throw her computer and speed reading through the information there. Her mind works fast, solutions and arguments she can present in tomorrow's decisive board meeting. 

Her stomach churns with the thought of it, not only anxiety settles deeply in the pit of it, but a great lot of frustration as well - mostly because she's going to face Jack, and she's not excited for that at all.

She's looking hard through every document describing her company's late month state. She doesn't want to be blindsided, hates the thought of coming up short for a counterattack after facts she wasn't aware were thrown to her face. She's spoken to some of the board members, tried to understand where they stood when it comes to choosing the final representants, between her and Jack, and was disappointed to find out that it would be harder than she previously thought. Most of them had turned their backs to her, although she cants really blame them. 

 

Kara does come by with breakfast at some point in the morning, which Lena endlessly appreciated. It seems that after she finally decided to stop fighting her feelings, they have somehow overpowered her brain and managed to insert the blond reporter in every single thing she does. It's unnerving and delightful in the same amounts and Lena couldn't resent it even if she wanted to.

She leaves soon though, claiming to have a lot of work to do on Snappers behalf and adoringly pouts throughout their whole farewell. Lena is a ruined woman after Kara, she's sure of it. Still, her visit gives her energy to go on with her work.

* * *

_"I hate this, mommy! I can't even make friends." Lena cries, angry and frustrated and sad. Her mother stares at her, arms stretched open as she takes careful steps towards her beloved daughter, although the younger keeps moving back and away. Tears pool in her own eyes, a mother's despair when faced with their child's suffering. Lena is crying so hard that the sobs shake her entire fragile body, and it's ironic that the body that is trembling so much now is the cause of her heartbreak right now._

_"Lena, it's just provisory. It'll be fine, I promise." Her mother tries to calm her, her soothing voice attempting to run through Lena's ears and roam her body, a wave of calmness replacing it. But Lena just won't allow it, maddened that her mother could just discard her worries as they clearly needed to be unloaded. The little girl is also unaware of how much it pains her mother to see her so bothered._

_"No! It's just not fair. I can't come close to anyone without being afraid of hurting them!"_

_"Darling, it's only until you can control your powers. We will help you with it."_

_"And if I can't?" Lena screams. She's always told she's very mature for her age, always sitting proper and behaving and understanding. But right now she doesn't want to. She wants to be childish, to demand and be given. In this case, she wants answers._

_"You can."_

_"But if I can't?"_

_Her mother sighs, eyes searching for the answers on the walls around them. "Then you'll have us. Dad and I will always be here for you."_

_Lena smiles, a sad turn of her lips with the tears still flowing from her eyes. "And how will I ever find what you and dad have? How will I find love?" She's the only child in their entire community so far, and the thought of restricting herself to it, forever, is scary, no matter how much she loves them. She dreams of leaving and exploring, holding someone's hand as they run out towards the beach and many other places Lena has never seen. It's funny how she later she will want the exact opposite._

_Her mother smiles the same sad smile. "We love you, Lena."_

_Her daughter sobs again for that. "And I love you. But will it always be enough?"_

* * *

 

Love is always enough, Lena thinks. She loves this company, more than Jack probably ever will. If this is the rom-com type of romantic demonstration she has to make in order to save this company from his greedy hands, then she's going all in. There's nothing that could possibly change her mind about this goal.

It's almost 8 o'clock, and she has been working all day, focused and determined. Now, she's  _tired._

Still, she promised J'onn she'd go to the DEO to have frequent check-ups, and they even signed a contract for it, although the only reason she's actually going is due to the series of threats he texted her during the day. She tells Jess she's leaving to have a quick dinner before returning to the office and moves quickly to the headquarters.

She finds J'onn on his desk, going through some paperwork. She walks in and falls onto his couch, tired. "I'm so tired."

He looks up at her, stone expression in place. "Things going well at L-Corp?"

Lena nods before she stops and starts shaking her head no. "No, not really. I'm trying though."

"I'm sure that's more than enough."

"We'll see, tomorrow."

J'onn simply stares at her before getting up and ordering her to follow him to the medbay. She meets Mon-El on the way and he quickly joins her, chatting excitedly on the way.

In the end, all the Superfriends, except James and Maggie, are reunited around her as Alex performs the needed examination. She checks her eyes, her temperature, her heart rate, and blood pressure, before and after some simple physical exercises. Lena doesn't really see the point of this, especially now that she really needs to be elsewhere, but her complaints are promptly ignored by everyone.

"So..." Alex starts. "Jack Spheer, huh?"

Lena nods, grimacing. "Yeah. He's the one offering to buy the company."

"I'm sure it must be hard, especially because he's, you know, your ex."

Kara chokes on air, coughing wildly. Lena is surprised as well. "How did you know?"

Alex looks amused, mostly because of their reactions. "Maggie told me, she did a background check on you while you were under investigation."

Lena nods. "Well, there's nothing I regret more than being with him."

"What happened."

Lena blushes, but figures everyone in the room is her friend, so there's no harm. "We were together for some time, but we were never really... together... you know." She blushes harder, "because I didn't want to hurt him and all."

Alex nods, serious.

"Well, one time, we were on the couch, and I started to turn... He got scared, called me a bunch of horrible things before he left."

"That really sucks." Alex says, compassionate.

"Yes. The worst part was that after some time, he came back, threatening me that he would expose him if I didn't give him a place in the board of L-Corp."

"What did you do?" Kara asks this time, focusing intently on the story Lena was telling.

"I threatened him as well. Hadn't heard from him since. Well, until now."

No one says anything else for a while as Alex continues her examination. But Lena isn't worried about the silence because she can't really find any judgment towards her on anyone's eyes.

"Do you know why your... appearance... changed like that, when you were fighting Lex?" Alex asks, tentative, and everyone's ears perk up again.

Lena blushes slightly at the attention. "Not really. He was stronger than me, and I was so tired. But then he was hurting Kara, and I was almost certain he might kill her, and then this... need to fight him enveloped me. It's really hard to explain."

"It's probably because she's your mate," J'onn says, calm and pensive, not really understanding what he had just done. Lena stares at him, heart not beating anymore and eyes so wide she feels the chill that runs through her body on them, and as she looks at him, she suddenly wishes he was never there in the first place.

Furrowed brows, appears on everyone's faces, and Lena sees it happen like a wave, a wave that she's hoping will drown her sooner rather than later.

"What do you mean?" Kara asks, looking between J'onn's thoughtful expression and Lena's  _terrified_ one.

J'onn does look up at that, confused by the question, as if it was self-explanatory. Then, as he glances at Lena as well, Lena is even more terrified.

"Stop doing that thing where you communicate by looking at each other, What do you mean, J'onn?" Kara's words are so forceful, her face so viscous that Lena fears she might already be putting the pieces together. This is exactly what she was avoiding, both the shame of the secret and of keeping it for so long.

"I thought she had already told you," J'onn says, and that was really unnecessary. It feels like he's now punishing Lena for keeping it from Kara, but the CEO thinks this whole situation is punishment enough, and he's only making it worse for her.

"Well, she clearly didn't," Kara says, angry.

Lena sits there, head down and eyes moving back and force as she tries to come with an explanation that won't make things any worse.

The room's silence is so tense, that the minimal movement rings loudly inside Lena's thoughts. But everyone stays planted on their feet, either looking between Kara, Lena and J'onn or looking down, aware of what might happen once the silence is broken. Mon comes to sit next to her, his weight on the mattress of the bed she's sitting in doesn't feel comforting right now, only decentering. Lena tries to use his presence as support.

She sighs, knowing there's no point in lying.

"Lena," J'onn says, strict and warning, and Lena doesn't really feel like he's being fair but decides to obey his silent request. 

She doesn't look into anyone's eyes as she speaks, not wanting anyone to see the nervous tears filling her eyes as well.

"Do you guys remember the particles my cells were emitting? The ones only Kara reacted to?" Everyone nods, except J'onn, who's standing with his arms crossed, a hard look on his features as he looks at Lena. "I think that's because she is my mate."

"And what exactly is a mate?" Alex asks, curious although apprehensive now.

 "I'm not entirely sure." She releases a trembling sigh, clutching her hands in a need to calm down because she feels her eyes burn and she's not sure if it's the tears or not. "I suppose that, in my culture," She takes a breath then, gulping. "In my culture, once you find someone who you share a true connection with, or love, I guess, it's supposed to be for life. And, well, once I found my partner, my cells started to produce feromones that only she could smell. Her smell attracts me too, although I don't think she's producing any."

There's silence in the room, and Lena's sure everyone is as shocked as she was when she first found out.

"Are you saying you will have to be together forever?" Alex asks.

Lena thinks about an answer for a second. "No."

"Then how is it for life if it isn't permanent?" Winn asks, this time.

Lena shrugs, not really wanting to lie nor say the truth. But of course, J'onn wouldn't  _fucking_ let her maintain some decency.

"Lena." He warns. She doesn't dare look at anyone but him, afraid that her eyes will find Kara's and she'll only find disgust there.

"It's permanent for me. Kara isn't a... werewolf... so even if I have an effect on her, it doesn't mean she can't find someone else."

"What about you?" Alex asks, reluctant.

Lena shakes her head. This whole conversation is really dramatic.  She really doesn't want Kara to find out, because she knows her, and Lena knows that the hero will feel some kind of obligation towards her and that's not what she wants, at all. 

"Lena won't be able to find someone else."

"J'onn, stop!" She warns him.

"She won't be able to access her powers, and given her emotions are what fuel them, she won't be able to really feel much," J'onn says. Lena  _hates_ him. "She'll be numb."

There are collective gasps around the room, and then silence. Lena forces her eyes shut and tries desperately to calm down.

"Everyone, out!" It's Kara's voice that echoes on the room, loud and commanding, and Lena can't help but flinch.

Everyone respects her wishes, Mon leaves with a sympathetic squeeze to Lena's shoulder, the rest not doing much other than leave, although Lena can't be sure because her eyes are glued to the ground.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Kara asks, voice completely neutral, and Lena knows that's a bad sign.

_I didn't want you to be pressured into being with me._

_I didn't want you to live your life in function of mine._

_I didn't want your pity._

_I didn't want to condemn you with me._

"Because I didn't want you to know."

Kara chuckles, loud and hollow. "So you lie."

"I didn't lie. I simply didn't tell you about it."

There's silence then. Lena doesn't like this whole situation. She probably lost Kara for good, and that's not what she wanted to happen at all. But she's not really surprised though, she knew this day would come.

"Look at me." Kara demands.

Lena takes a deep breath before she does, and when her head is finally up, her heart breaks. Silent tears run down Kara's cheeks, and guilt suffocates Lena's heart.

"I love you, you know. The thought of being with you forever isn't dreadful. It gives me hope."

Lena watches Kara as the latter watches her, and there are so many emotions that she's sure the way her eyes are glowing isn't because of her tears. "It might just be the feromones that are causing that effect." Lena says, quietly, sad about the proper possibility.

"I know for a fact that it's not. Because I don't need to be close to you to want to kiss you. You're always on my mind, and I always want you, no matter the distance between us." She says, still crying, and Lena's heart is beating so fast she thinks that maybe the sound of it is making her comprehend Kara's words wrong.

"Besides," she continues, "you said there needed to be a connection for mating. And we both know a connection flows both ways."

Lena doesn't say anything, doesn't really know what to say. She doesn't think Kara wants an answer though, because she speaks, once again.

"I'm just so disappointed in you."

With that, she leaves. The speed with which she turns towards the door makes her cape flutter, and the sound of it surrounds Lena as she cries, silently, still sitting on the bed.

She feels sad, she feels guilty. She feels angry. If none of her family hadn't died, then she would have the answers, she'd have the support. She wouldn't feel so lost all the time, with no idea what's happening to her. 

She gets up suddenly, feeling suffocated. Curiously, this is the room where she and Kara have fought in the past as well, and knowing that only makes her want to leave more.

Before she can, J'onn gets in the room.

"I thought you told her already."

"Obviously I didn't."

"At least now she knows, and that's for the best."

Lena glares at him, and hopes he sees the anger in her eyes. "This doesn't feel like the best."

He nods, and Lena sees a flash of guilt flash in his eyes. "I'm sorry."

She shrugs, gets her purse and moves towards the door. "It was bound to happen sooner or later."

With that, she closes the door, avoiding everyone on her way out towards the office once more.

Like she thought, love, is always enough. Enough to disappoint you.

 


	20. Chapter 20

Time was a blur as it was passing by. As soon as she arrived at the office, she had tried really hard to concentrate, just today. If she loses Kara to this, at least she intended to keep the company.

She's not angry about it anymore. As much as finding someone else to put all the blame in might be easier, it's also not fair. She's an adult, and she can recognize her mistakes. And it was her mistake that led her to this particular moment - she chose to keep things hidden from everyone, even if they had already fought about it and Kara's displeasure was clearly shown. Plus, now that she knows for sure that telling Kara would've just made things easier for her, she can't help but also feel stupid, and she hates it.

She spent the whole night working away, hoping that it will make her temporarily forget how many people she disappointed. Obviously Kara, and she made it very clear as well. J'onn wasn't particularly pleased with it either, which is understandable because not only she made him feel and look bad, he's also very protective of Kara. The same can be said about Alex, and she knows how long the extent the older sister will go to protect her sister, so she's sure she's not on Alex's best friend list right now. The others, well, she's not sure of where they stand, but she also doesn't want them to have to pick. 

The thing about disappointing someone you care about is that the disappointment is never carried by your loved ones only. Lena's carrying it right now, and it's weight combined with the disappointment she has on herself almost makes it hard to breathe as it pushes her shoulder blades towards her lungs, hurting her heart in the process. She simply can't forget every detail of their conversation, replaying it on her mind with sometimes adjustments her brain creates that only seem to torture her with  _what-ifs_ and guilt of not having been brave enough to pursue those alternatives.

Either way, no matter the amount of alcohol she consumed or the documents she read, Kara's words were forever tattooed to the inside of her skull. In the end, her only salvation was sleep, and she still ended up dreaming of her.

 

* * *

 

_"What are you doing, Lena?"_

_Lena opens her eyes, the timbre of the voice deeply scaring her. It just couldn't be, it wasn't possible._

_Sure enough, her mother's figure was there. Her details weren't clear, almost as if she was staring at her through a transparent wall that separated their worlds. Or maybe they weren't clear due to the tears that started filling her eyes._

_"Mother?"_

_She's aware she's dreaming. It's the only explanation as she's standing there, aware of her 27 years and staring at her dead mother's eyes. Still, she doesn't dare to pinch herself, afraid that she'll somehow pull the curtain that separates from her mother's mirage and wake up._

_"Yes. But really, what the fuck are you doing?"_

_Lena's eyes widen. Never in her life had she heard her mother curse, nor look at her with that skeptical look on her face. It's disturbing, to say the least. Now she really doesn't need to pinch anything to know it's a dream._

_"I-I don't know? Depends on what you're referring to."_

_Her mother sighs, shakes her head. Lena realizes that she doesn't have a shadow in the completely white room they're in._

_"I mean with your life, Lena. It's a mess."_

_Lena laughs, a self-deprecating chuckle leaving her lips. "I know."_

_Her mother puts her hands in the air at that, a dramatically confused look on her face. "Then why don't you fix it?"_

_"Why are you being so mean to me?" Lena asks, confused._

_Her mother rolls her eyes. "Come on, Lena, you're not a child anymore. I'm not being mean, I'm being honest with you."_

_Lena pouts, "Well, then stop. I don't like it."_

_With a shake of her head, she walks towards Lena and hugs her, hard._

_The younger one always knew this is what she's been needing for the past 19 or so years. There wasn't much she yearned more than her family's touch, especially her mother's since they've always had a special relationship. It's almost overwhelming, the intensity with which she missed the older woman and the way that, as her arms finally circle her, it's all coming back in the same intensity. It makes her cry into her mother's shoulder._

_"I missed you so much."_

_"I missed you too, darling."_

_Suddenly, they're not hugging anymore. They're at their old house's backyard, the sky above them shining its light on their faces. Lena faces her mother, sees the way her indecipherable features are illuminated, and she wants to stay here forever._

_"Everything really is a mess."_

_Her mother sighs, stretching her arm in search of Lena's hand, to hold it in the space between them. "I know. But you don't seem too keen on fixing it."_

_"I just don't know what to do anymore."_

_"Why are you so afraid of your problems?"_

_"I'm not. I'm afraid of not being able to fix them."_

_"So you run? Lena, darling, you're smart. You know that won't leave you anywhere."_

_Lena sighs, aware. "I know."_

_"Besides, they'll catch up with you. Your legs are smallish." Her mother smiles as she turns to look at her._

_It's a bittersweet experience, having this beautiful interaction with her mother while knowing the only chance this is happening in the first place is if it isn't more than a fantasy. For now, she'll just give herself into the illusion._

_"No, they're not!"  She laughs, freely. "Besides, I have powers, you know." She wiggles her eyebrows, making her mother laugh._

_"Oh, sweetheart, Kara is still much faster than you."_

_Lena bites the inside of her cheek, nodding. "Kara isn't my problem."_

_"No, she's not. She's the solution, Lena."_

_They both return to watching the stars and feeling the moonlight making its way into their hearts. Lena knows this is a dream, she knows she'll have to wake up soon and fall face first into the real world, but some times being inside a fantasy isn't so wrong. The worst comes when you can't anymore._

 

* * *

"Miss Luthor! Wake up!"

She groggily opens her eyes, feeling the light invading them in every sense of the word. She groans, upset she had to wake up in the first place, and finally looks up into Jess's worried eyes.

"What time is it?" She asks, quietly, voice rough from sleep.

"It's seven pm. Your meeting starts in twenty minutes, Miss." Lena looks into her eyes and even in her sleepy state, she can see the sadness in them, as if Jess was also aware of the most probable way the meeting was to end. She smiles at her reassuringly.

"Okay. I'm going to freshen up and tell them to set up on boar room number one, okay?"

"Sure, Miss Luthor. And... Good luck." Lena nods at her with a smile and watches as her secretary leaves.

After brushing her teeth and making herself more presentable, she sits once again on her desk, with still a few minutes to spare.

She simply stares at the papers, not picking them up or reading them in what would be a _running-out-of-time_ desperate attempt of finding something that would work incredibly at beneficiating her.

Honesty, she doesn't see the point in it.

How could fight for a company that, in the long run, couldn't ever make her as happy as Kara? How could she fight so hard for her company, but not for the woman she loved? It isn't right, and suddenly, it doesn't sit right in Lena's stomach either. She was so blinded by the fear of destroying her relationship with Kara, that she didn't realize that she was the one digging its grave, and she held the shovel as well. It was all on her hands, and she wouldn't disappoint. Not again. She would disappoint neither Kara nor herself.

All this time, she's the one who has been living in a fantasy - always running desperately away from reality because of her fears. She has just been trying so hard to not be hurt, to push herself away from every possible thing that might have wounded her, that she unintentionally hurt others and ended up alone, which, admittedly was what she always wanted. Being alone meant not having anyone to disappoint but herself, and it seemed  _safe._ But now that she thinks of it - would it be a fulfilling life without fear? Life is made of decisions, and those always come with risk. Without risk would the outcome be satisfying? Exciting? Would anyone feel truly happy if they didn't have to fight for anything, if they never felt that lasting  _want_ for somethingthat makes you  _fear_ not having it? It would be monotone, boring. Lena doesn't wanna live like that. Without Kara.

She jumps out of her chair, moving towards the door quickly. She's going to solve all of this right now, there is nothing that could stop her from -

"It's time, Miss Luthor." Jess is on the other side of the door, apparently about to knock.

Lena nods, sighing. She'll give the company one last breath before allowing to finally it to pass away to someone else. She just wants to end this as soon as possible. 

She moves towards the room, her high heels clicking on the ground fast and loudly as she makes her way there. The room is surrounded by glass, and an outsider can easily see what's happening inside. She sees Jack's patronizing smirk but pays it any mind. She wants to be somewhere else, desperately needs to, and right now this is only a delay in her plans.

"Ah, Lena Luthor. Long time no see." He says, expecting to taunt her. She doesn't give in though.

She just nods, "Mr. Spheer." Then, she turns to the others present in the room. "Is everyone present?" They nod. "Good. Let's start, then."

The rain outside hits one side of the glass floor-to-ceiling windows, thunder sometimes making itself known. She just hoping it isn't a preface for something bad that is still yet to happen.

Jack is speaking now. She's not paying attention to what he's actually saying, not listening to what her lawyers say in her defense either. All she's thinking about is leaving. All she's thinking about is Kara. 

"Miss Luthor?" One of her colleagues asks her, aware of her distracted aura. She's sure it's not a good image to be displayed right on her last chance of convincing them, but, right now, she couldn't care less. Jack cares though, and judging by the way he's smiling self-assuredly, he cares a lot.

She walks out of her chair, moving to the front of the table almost in autopilot.

She looks at every one of her partners. She can't say they're her friends, or that they somehow bonded during her representation of L-Corp, but she figures she at the very least knows them, and they know her. So, that is to say, she's not concerned of the image of her she's probably destructing right now.

"You know," she starts, "I've always been very passionate about this company. I went against a lot of people to save it, including my own family. You all probably know Lex and Lillian would've never approved of the work we were developing here after he went to jail. We changed directions, and I still believe it was for the best."

"Now, I know that the Luthor name means trouble. My name will always be at the center of some grand scheme, because, unfortunately, I was raised on a family of criminals." There are gasps around the room, and even Jess is looking at her curiously. "No matter how many times I've proven my loyalty to National City, no matter how many donations or investments or community works I make, my reputation will always be shadowed by theirs."

Everyone is surprised to hear her say those words, apparently admitting her defeat.

"But," she continues, "that doesn't mean I'm not proud of what I've done, both for the company of for the city. You will never find someone that fought for this company as passionately, as I continuously have. You will never find someone who cares for our employees as much as I do. And you'll definitely not find someone who actually doesn't care if all these efforts are clearly still not being fully accepted by the public. And that's probably my fault, because, again, I was raised by a family of criminals. But I am sure as hell fighting hard, even against them, to make my own path."

"So no, I'm not going to pull some financial reports and feed you with excuses. We all know the company has been through shit this past month, probably because of being associated with me. Besides, Mr. Spheer has already covered the negative aspects of it. All I can promise you is my work ethics. And know that I give a lot to my work, so I guess if you allow me to, I will give this company all of me."

She finishes and makes eye contact with everyone in the room. Then, she says "This meeting is over. Call me when you reach your decision."

With that, she leaves.

 

.

 

She's running on the streets, barefoot as she moves through the dark with the rain hitting heavily on her body. It refreshes her, the cold rain hits her overly warm body as it moves, releasing energy that only makes her hotter, makes her suffocate. But she doesn't mind. There's only one thing on her mind, and it's certainly not the soreness on her muscles, or the snap of her bones as she moves, or the rush in her breath. There's only one thing, and she hopes she doesn't lose it.

Once she gets there, she knocks on the door. Her nerves have gotten the best of her, and there's no way to hide her trembling hands or the humidity in her eyes, so she settles for clenching her fists on the sides of her body as she closes her eyes and takes one last deep breath. She's afraid, petrified. She tries to calm herself with positive thoughts, effectively allowing hope to flow through her system, but it's hard to do it when all she's ever faced was rejection and disappointment. Still, she powers through. She hears the heartbeat and the sound of the television coming from the other side of the door and smells that sunshine scent that manages to slip past the door's hinges, and it calms her. _Barely._

The door opens then, and Kara's face is staring right at her. She takes her in, her sweatpants and her oversized sweatshirt, her loose curls around her shoulders and her glasses poised elegantly on the bridge of her nose.

"Lena?" She asks, concerned. "What happened? Are you okay?"

The brunette never really thought this through. After all, maybe it's not the best of ideas to be confessing her undying love for someone while completely soaked from the rain, no doubt with makeup streaming down her face alongside the drops of water, not to mention her probably frizzy hair. She supposes it's too late to consider that now.

She doesn't answer her right away. Her thoughts are running wild and she doesn't know where to start anymore.

"Lena, what-?"

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to pressure you to be with me. I thought that if you knew- if you knew how much it mattered to me, you'd compromise your own life for my sake. And I didn't want that because I want what's best for you."

Kara's face morphs then, darkens, aware of why Lena was actually there - to fight.

"You don't choose what's best for me. Only I do. I'm a responsible adult capable of making my own decisions, Lena." Kara says, frustrated.

Lena moves one step closer. "Yes, I know that. But I didn't think the best was me. You are so special, Kara. You deserve everything, and I didn't think I could give it to you."

She sighs, shakes her head. When Kara connects their gazes, Lena's heart breaks. The way Kara looks at her, with her head slightly tilted down in disappointment, Lena can't help but notice how blue and broken her eyes look. How sad. "I never wanted everything, Lena. I just wanted you."

She doesn't really know how to read her tone. Unsure if Kara would want her to argue some more or if she's tired and her disappointment in Lena is so much she genuinely just wants Lena to leave. But she won't. She won't leave until everything is settled. She's tired of running away. She is afraid but Kara is worth the risk.

Kara's look changes to curiosity as she looks at Lena, probably seeing the determination settle behind her eyes or in the sudden square of her shoulders.

Lena moves closer once again. "And I want you, Kara. I've wanted you ever since I saw you, and I don't want to hide it anymore."

Kara gulps, "What changed?"

One step more and Lena's face is centimeters away from Kara's. She makes sure to look her in the eyes. "I realized that if there's one thing worth fighting for, it's you. You are more than enough."

The moment will forever be imprinted in Lena's mind as beautiful. Really, she thinks there's no better way to describe it. With the moonlight streaming in from Kara's windows, illuminating her face just in the right angle to make her look like an angel of the night. With the sounds of their hearts beating wildly soundtracking the moment. With the way Kara's eyes soften into something wanting and available, exuding so much love and forgiveness in a simple tilt of her face and the fluttering of her lashes that it makes Lena's belly tremble with the speed with which the butterflies take off. Her love is intoxicating in a way that when received, it compels Lena to want to feel it again, and again, and again.

She just can't tame all these feelings within her, needs to feel them connecting with Kara's and somehow coursing through both their bodies, so Lena kisses her. Lena kisses her and she is even more addicted. But Kara doesn't let her down her high, because she immediately kisses her back.

No matter the force behind it, it doesn't feel forced, nor awkward. It's passionate and deep, and it makes Lena feel so much that she almost loses her balance, clutches onto Kara's body with all her might. Kara reciprocates, not minding Lena's soaked appearance as they press themselves together, as her hands run through Lena's wet locks and as the latter grips her hips and pulls them impossibly closer.

Then Kara pushes Lena, and her back, in turn, pushes the door closed and she leans against it as Kara kisses  _hard,_ so much so that Lena feels foolish for not have done this before because it's clear she has wanted it, and Lena has certainly never wanted it more _._ So Lena kisses her just as hard, and continues kissing her as the grip her own hands have on the reporter's hips tightens and urges them against her own.

Kara whimpers before pulling back, panting and searching for breath as Lena presses kisses down her neck. "You have no idea how long I've been wanting to do this."

"Me too, for so long." She says, before biting Kara's neck. It pushes another breathy moan out of her lover's throat and it drives Lena crazy. She rotates them, pushing Kara's back against the door instead, making her release a gasp, before taking her lips again. Her hands move along her hips and waist, squeezing higher and higher.

When Kara's tongue touches her lips again, hot and wanting, while simultaneously one of her legs circle Lena's body and she _presses_ her own body against Lena's, the CEO thinks she might combust. All these feelings are so intense that she feels her eyes burn behind her eyelids and her teeth grow on the mouth that is now receiving Kara's attention. She quickly steps away and turns around, squeezing her eyes shut and breathing hard and deep, attempting to calm down.

Kara seems to know what's happening, and after a few seconds of intense breathing on both their parts, she puts one hand on Lena's shoulder and gently urges her to turn around. Lena hesitates before turning around, meeting Kara's gaze head-on. She's been in a similar situation before, and if the same outcome she had with Jack were to happen now she couldn't deal with it. But it's Kara, and she trusts her completely.

Kara's face is flushed. Her eyes are dark, her dilated pupils almost swallowing her blue rings. But even with all the desire in them, as she looks at Lena right then, they're incredibly soft. Lena can see the green glow of her own eyes reflected on Kara's.

"You don't have to hide, Lena." She says, softly. "I'm not going anywhere." 

Lena nods at her, still attempting to calm down. Kara palms her cheek, "I think you're beautiful."

She takes her hand and puts it against her chest, and Lena feels something under her palm. Around Kara's neck is her mother's necklace, and the amount of emotion that overcomes Lena leaves her speechless, eyes burning even brighter with what she can only describe as an infinite amount of love for what she feels are the two most important women in her life combined.

"I'm sorry, I forgot to give it back earlier today," She says, as she moves to take it off. 

Lena stops her, gently removing her hand from the back of her neck where Kara was attempting to unfasten it.

"I want you to have it."

Kara looks at her for a second, mouth slightly open in surprise. "I thought this was your mother's."

"It was, but I want you to have it." 

Kara just looks at her, and Lena is afraid she said the wrong thing, so she continues, "You mean a lot to me as well. When I look at you and see you with it, I feel so much. And I have more of the plant at home so -"

Kara kisses Lena, not caring at all that she's in her hybrid form, or mid-sentence. She kisses her, long and soft, and there's so much love in it that Lena can feel her lips tingling from it. She feels her face contort back to normal and pulls back to briefly look at Kara. She stares at her, and Kara stares right back, and Lena feels incredibly lucky to have somehow ended here, in Kara's house, kissing and openly loving her. She's never giving it up.

"I love you." She says. It comes out of Lena's mouth as barely a whisper. Soft and trembling. Passionate.

Kara looks at her, softly. "I love you too, Lena."

With that, Lena can't help but kiss her again, pulling her closer once more. It starts soft, after the confession. It doesn't take long for it to change into something deeper, once again.

Their hands start to wander again, pulling and demanding, and Lena loves it. She's never felt this free with anyone else. She grabs Kara's thighs and wraps them around her hips, once again pushing her against the door. The blonde moans, either from the force of it or due to the contact her core now establishes with Lena's body. For her part, Lena kisses as much skin as she can find while her hands continue their gentle exploration. She searches for all of Kara's sensitive spots, tries to pay as much attention as she can with Kara's hips rolling into hers.

A fire is ignited inside her and she doesn't think it's bad this time.

"Lena," Kara pants. Lena immediately stops doing what she was doing, eyes connecting with Kara's lust-filled ones. "Take me to bed."

 

* * *

 

She wakes up to the sound of her phone, ringing obnoxiously loud on the bedside table. She groans, deliciously sore and tired and sleepy. Her arms are holding Kara tightly, hands sprawled protectively on Kara's belly, and Lena really doesn't want to deal with the outside world right now. Kara moves with the shrilling sound of the phone, so Lena thinks it's best if she just interrupts the noise before her lover wakes up. 

She kisses Kara's shoulder lightly before turning around and taking it from the bedside table, checking the caller ID to decide if it's worth accepting the call or rather sending it to voicemail.

"Hello?" 

"Miss Luthor. A meeting was requested by the board."

 "Jess..." She whines, not feeling like it. Then, recognizing she has to, she asks "When?"

"It's at eleven am."

"And what time is it now?" Lena asks, not feeling like opening her eyes to check the clock.

"It's seven am, miss."

Lena sighs. "Okay. I'll be there."

With quick goodbyes, she hangs up the phone and deposits it on the bedside table once more.

She rolls back to the side of the bed she was at, enveloping Kara's body with her arms again and pulling her closer while hiding her nose in blonde, fruity-smelling locks. It's another feeling she'll also never forget, the relief of finally being able to freely hold Kara combined by the tenderness that envelops her heart as she does it. She feels a need to affectionately kiss the back of her neck before she sighs and allows herself to go back to sleep.

Kara hums in response, a soft vibration that travels through her body and towards Lena's due to the way they're pressed together. Lena kisses her bare shoulder in response. "What was that about?" Kara asks in her sexy, sleepy voice. Lena only tightens her embrace again.

"It was Jess. The decision of the CEO has finally been made."

Kara turns around, and her sleepy eyes lock with Lena's, who smiles before pecking her lips once. "I'm sorry. I forgot to ask you how it went."

"That's alright, you were very busy." Lena raises one eyebrow and Kara blushes before kissing her lightly. When they pull apart, Lena continues. "Anyway, I don't really know how it went."

"How do you not know?"

Lena buries her head on her chest, closing her eyes once more. "I don't know. I guess it could've gone really good or really bad. I delivered this heartfelt speech and everything."

"I really don't like Jack," Kara says, resulting in a soft laugh leaving Lena's lips.

"Me neither."

"I'm sorry that you might lose the company to a douche like him."

The arms surrounding Kara's body tighten, "It's okay. I got the girl."

The blonde laughs, running her fingers through Lena's sleep tangled locks. "Oh did you really?"

Lena hums, happy. "I sure hope I did." Then, she raises her head and looks at Kara. "Did I not?" She asks, smiling.

"I don't know. I suppose that there's still some persuasion needed to have a solid response."

 _I have a lot of persuasion techniques,_ Lena thinks, with an eyebrow raised suggestively that makes Kara giggle.

She takes Kara's hand and kisses it, tenderly. "Do you want to be with me?" 

Kara senses the seriousness on her tone, because her smile drops from something amused to something softer, something loving. It reassures Lena, even if she already had her answer before and all she actually needed was some confirmation.

"Yes, I do." They kiss after that, softly, as if there was no rush in the world although one of them is a superhero and the other the owner of a multi-million dollar company (for now).

"I'm glad we got that out of the way because now I have much more confidence in my  _persuasion techniques."_

 


	21. Chapter 21

She reluctantly gets out of bed to make breakfast for her and Kara, despite the latter's contradicting objections in spite of her grumbling stomach ( _"No," she whines, a full pout on her lips that Lena can't resist, "Come cuddle me a little longer."),_ then, after getting dressed in the same clothes of yesterday and successfully resisting Kara's puppy eyes as Lena tries to give her a heartfelt goodbye, Lena leaves towards her own house to get ready.

She showers, brushes her teeth, gets dressed, grabs the wolfsbane she mentioned to Kara and goes back to her office.

The white walls that greet her, the ones who have so many times been the key to rational and well-made decisions, are now mocking her with the wave of nostalgia they force her to go through. The whole room is marred by memories, from the carpet on the ground where she almost bled to death once, to the scandalous balcony where she has shared intimate moments with both Kara and several glasses of whiskey.

The possibility of this being the last time she actually steps foot inside is a little scary for her. After all, without L-Corp, what could she do? She's sure Jack would never allow her to work on the labs, and neither would the surrounding companies on National City whose leaders probably still hold a grudge over how professionally well she managed to turn them down. But it doesn't matter, she still has enough dignity to  _not_ go there anyway.

She supposes she could work for the DEO if J'onn allowed her to, both on the field and on the labs, just like Alex. She believes she could help them more with her full attention and dedication. She stores that particular idea in her mind, meant to review later.

Distractedly, she moves towards her liquor and gets a glass of something before moving to the balcony and refreshing herself with the windy and chilly temperature.

She thinks she can almost hear the telling flutter of a cape and the sound of fists and grunts in the distance if she focuses enough. Or the vague aroma of her lover staining the sky. But there's no way of telling if it's her imagination or not. Wishful thinking, perhaps. Nevertheless, it calms her. Momentarily.

One thing she has never appreciated about herself is how easily she can become lost inside her mind, trapped by her own thoughts. Right now, her captors are a variation of  _What if I lose the company? What if these years I gave my entire self to saving it will be wasted? What if L-Corp becomes a copy of LuthorCorp again? What if Kara is having second thoughts? What if she changed her mind about us? What if -_

"Miss Luthor," Jess says, and Lena didn't even hear her walk in, "The meeting is about to start."

She sighs, downs the rest of her drink but still stays there, allowing the wind to calm her beating heart and cool her heated skin. Nerves and fear have gotten the best of her, not only because this company has been her baby for years, but because she's about to abandon said baby to  _Jack Spheer._ She shudders just considering what he could possibly do with it.

But then, even if she loses the company, yesterday she gained so much more. Kara is worth so much more than this, so much more than her self doubts and she's so much more than Jack, that Lena could never regret the decisions that took her to this moment. Never. With one last muttered  _Wish me luck_ in what she thinks is Kara's vague direction, she turns around.

When she finally arrives at the board room, with the bounce back on her feet and warmth settled around her jumping heart, she finds everyone already there. 

"I apologize for making you wait."

When she looks at Jack, she sees his irritating smirk. His self-assuredness will be the end of this company, she's sure of it. She's just not sure if everyone else in the room notices it or even cares. She supposes the Luthor name is too blinding for them to see it.

"Are these the work methods you mentioned yesterday?" Jack asks Lena, daring her to lose her cool in front of everyone. She forces her fingers into her pocket, touching the small herb she keeps there, grounding herself, so she doesn't take the bait.

"No, but if you need some advice you can just ask me, Jack." She smiles, totally forced.

"No, I intend to remove L-Corp of such a bad place it is now."

"Well then, I suppose we both agree that you really shouldn't be here."

A loud clearing of a throat interrupts them, just as Jack was about to respond. She  _definitely_ doesn't smile and wink at him when she notices the scowl on his face.

"A decision has been made," starts Carl, someone Lena vaguely recognizes by his gray hair and light blue eyes, as well as his characteristic scar on his left temple. "It wasn't an easy one, I assure you. There were a lot of disagreements. But, one thing we all agreed was that a decision had to be done."

She first met Carl in the first months after being declared the new CEO of L-Corp, after Lillian left it in complete ruins. She was neck-deep into reports, way after the work hours, when he came by her office, briefcase in his right hand. Their conversation is short, just an exchange of opinions about the state of the company, with Carl expressing his admiration of Lena's work. After that, in between several months, they would meet, after the work hours, and briefly discuss work again.

Lena's heart beats harder with nerves, but when she glances at Jack and still sees him smiling unbothered, those nerves quickly turn to irritation.

"Anyway, we reached a consensus," Carl says, and judging by the press and twist of his lips, either in confusion or disappointment, Lena's sure she won't leave this company as a winner.

 

* * *

The DEO's main room is particularly calm. She supposes it's the type of calm that comes after avoiding a  _big_ tragedy - a relief that almost feels like a prize. She felt it too, after both Lex and Lillian were contained, although it was really short-lived. She'd join the wave of contentedness now with the rest of the agents if it wasn't by the disappointment still engraved in her chest after leaving L-Corp.

None of her friends are there, and she's even more bummed when she learns Kara is on patrol. 

She moves towards Winn's desk and simply crashes into his chair, tired and relatively sad. She spends her time staring blankly at the ceiling, the world becoming unfocused when she spins the chair while she's lost in her mind.

Would J'onn let her work here? If he wants to keep an eye on her, then she'd be under his watchful gaze all the time if she were to be employed. She's not so sure about going to the field, because although she does have kinda cool abilities and all, she doesn't have the experience and she's certainly no hero, unlike Kara. So, she'd probably get in the way. But she could work in the labs. She's very comfortable with that idea.

"Hey!"

She stops spinning and turns around to great the voice back. Her vision is turbid, and there's a funny dizziness in her head. When the world focuses again, Mon-El is standing in front of her with a huge smile and his arms open wide. She gets up from the chair and hugs him.

"I missed you!"

She laughs, completely aware that he saw her barely two days ago.

"I missed you too."

"So... I believe you have something to tell me." He says, wiggling his eyebrows.

She blanches, unsure.

"I do?"

He nods enthusiastically. "Kara was particularly happy today, almost glowing." He winks at her.

Lena smiles, relieved. "She was?"

"Of course she was, Lena. You are too, but you're certainly dimmed. Is everything okay?"

Lena sighs. She feels so bittersweet about everything today - it feels almost as if every great thing that happened today was followed by a disgrace. Every good news followed by bad ones.

"I lost the company. L-Corp will be on Jack Spheer's hand from now on."

Immediately she's scooped into a big hug, a gesture she didn't know she needed until now. Her memories of him are also very bittersweet, in the respective order. The resentment she felt for him is now converted into some kind of affection, and deep inside her mind she connects this tender side of his personality to something Lex once was, and there's bittersweetness there as well.

She pulls back, although the arms wrapped around her shoulders don't allow her to go very far. 

"Are you okay with it? With me and Kara?" She asks, reluctantly. 

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asks, genuinely confused. It makes Lena release a shaky chuckle.

"Well, you dated before, so maybe you're - "

"Lena, stop." He shakes his head, "Kara is important to me, but I think our relationship was more about company than love. And that's okay."

She releases the breath she was holding.

"Besides, you're my best friend. I'm happy for you." He says with his grin back in place.

Lena, on the other hand, is nothing but surprised. If she thinks of it, she never had a best friend, besides Kara who she was all along in love with, nor has she been considered someone's best friend. What does it even mean now?

"I am?"

"Of course you are! You helped me even after I was mean to you, and forgave me for it. No one has ever done that for me." He says, still smiling but there's insecurity behind his eyes. Lena hugs him again.

"I'm very happy to be, then."

They hug for a few seconds, until someone clears their throat behind them.

Lena tries to sping away from him, but he refuses to let his arm fall from around her shoulders, so they end up awkwardly staring at the rest of their friends while their sides are pressed together. At least Lena is feeling awkward, Mon doesn't seem to be anything but excited.

"Hi!" He says.

Kara looks between them for a few moments, much to everyone's amusement, except Lena's. Then, she moves to her side and throws her own arm around Lena, pressing to her own side probably expecting Mon-El to let go. Which he doesn't. So now Lena is pressed between the both of them, lips tight and eyebrows raised in a cringe expression. Alex only laughs.

"How is it going, Lena?"

"It's going well, Alex. How about you?"

"I'm having a blast."

Lena takes a step forward, trying to escape the awkward embrace she was stuck in. Kara lets her go, simply depositing her back in her lower back with a look of apology in her face. Mon, on the other hand, doesn't seem to get the message, so he steps forward with her, unaware of Kara's glares to the side of his head.

"Anyway, I kind of need to talk to you, J'onn."

He nods, his amusement clearly transforming something like seriousness and worry. "Does it have to be right now? Because there's also something important that I have to discuss with you."

"What is it?"

"It's Lex. He's been asking to speak with you. You don't have to though. He's being transferred to a maximum-security facility later."

Her mind halts altogether. Kara comes to stand beside her once again, choosing this time to interlace their fingers and squeeze her hand. Should she talk to him? It's not like it will be the last time she'll hear of him because her brother is nothing but persistent. She expects him to continue his attempts on her life, perhaps now they'll be even more promising than before. But she knows it will probably be the last time  _she'll talk to him._ She as no desire to search and come to him after he's gone, and she does want some answers that have plagued her since childhood. She hopes she doesn't regret her decision.

"I'll do it. I'll talk to him."

 

* * *

"You don't have to do this. You know that, right?" 

Kara is walking beside her, hands still clasped together, as they move besides J'onn to Lex's DEO cell. She turns to look at her and sees the worry deep into her features. She brings her other hand to her cheek.

"I know. But I want to."

Kara nods, still unsure. "Okay. Do you want me to come in with you?"

"No. I don't want him to suspect you even more than she knows. Just... Stay close, please."

"Of course," Kara says, then she kisses the palm of Lena's hand that was still resting on her cheek. Butterflies erupt in her stomach but they're quickly consumed by the eagles her nerves have turned into.

Lex's cell is just around the corner, and they come to a halt. J'onn turns to her and squeezes her arm briefly before turning and talking to some agents inside the room. Kara and Lena remain on the same spot, with the latter forcing herself to take deep breaths.

Kara hugs her. Her hands move up and down her back, gently rubbing circles on it, hoping to relax Lena. "It'll be fine. I'll be right here. Just calm down a little," She says. It works.

Lena nods, head still poised on Kara's shoulder and nose deep into her blonde hair. Then, she steps away. 

"I'm gonna go. The sooner we deal with this the better."

She turns to walk around the corner, but she doesn't move more than two steps before the hand still in hers tugs her back. She turns with a question on her lips, but it's swallowed by the soft ones that unhurriedly press into hers. After she overcomes the surprise, she presses back.

It's not much more than that. Just a simple press of their lips.

It feels like so much more to Lena. 

"Thank you," She says, when they separate enough to look into each other's eyes. She nuzzles their noses together.

Kara laughs softly. The warm hair that hits Lena's lips is tantalizing, but they both know Lena has to go.

She steps back and smiles at Kara, a show of appreciation and thankfulness that judging by Kara's expression doesn't go unnoticed. Then, Lena goes into the room, noticeably less anxious but nervous nonetheless.

When she steps inside her brother's cell, she notices the chains attached to the ground that connect with the cuffs on his ankles and wrists. In his face remains the three large claw marks that Lena made, although noticeably less red, and the remorse eats Lena inside.

"Hey, little sister."

"Hello, Lex."

"How are you feeling?"

"I should be asking you that."

There's a twist in his face, but otherwise, he remains impassive, almost unbothered by her presence. But Lena can see past his mask of sympathy, or better, she can hear his heartbeat drumming away fast in his chest.

"You did a number on me," He says, waving a hand in the direction of his face.

Lena clenches her jaw, unsure. "I apologize for that."

He scoffs at that, and Lena is dragged into the memories of Lillian's disappointment of her. "Stop being so weak, Lena. Luthors don't apologize."

She shakes her head, not intending on appearing weak in front of him. "It's not a weakness, it's fairness."

"Please. An apology won't remove the huge scar from my face."

"I suppose not. But it makes me feel better with myself that you know I didn't mean it."

He smiles, all the way to his eyes. In anyone else, it'd be nothing but a clear show of happiness. When it comes to Lex, all she associates it with is craziness. He tilts his body in her direction, trying to get closer to her, his body as far out of his seat as much as the chains allowed him to.

"Now, that's more like it. That's a particularly selfish thought, Lena. Are you starting to become aware of your destructive nature? You're more like me than you think, Lena. You should join me. We'd be so powerful together, like a family. We'd change the world, save it! I've missed you so much, Lena. Come on."

She smiles at him, sad.  _This isn't the brother that you knew, this isn't the brother that you knew, this isn't -_

"I will never, ever, join you, Lex. Your ideals of a better world are distorted. I want nothing to do with it."

He relaxes back into his chair, and he drops the smile altogether, returning into his look of impassiveness.

"Never say never, dear sister."

"What happened to you? What changed you from a loving brother into this?"

She has to ask. Has to know. The question haunts her, ever since she was inside the AcoLab and he became increasingly more distant. 

"I woke up, Lena. We can't just trust in the Supers might to keep us safe. We can't trust anyone for that matter. Everyone changes their mind, everyone fakes things. All we can do is make sure that either way, we come out on top."

"You can simply be prepared. There was never a need to become a threat. You killed so many people, Lex. Don't you have any remorse?" 

"Remorse for what? I did what had to be done. Sacrifices are made."

"Innocent people died! People that had nothing to do with it."

He moves suddenly, fast and angry towards her and chains stretch with a sound. Lena moves back.

"They were his supporters! Everyone loves the Supers, don't they? Including you, although you went further than that. How could you?"

Lena shakes her head, trying hard not to cry or let her eyes glow or, worse, turn in front of him. She searches Kara through the walls, and her heartbeat and smell envelop her soon enough.

"You were sweet to me, once. You cared."

His furious look doesn't leave. "That was before I realized that you were just like them, and trusting you became impossible."

She nods. She's deeply hurt by his words, but there's some sort of understanding inside her. Something akin to closure. "Goodbye, Lex."

"Where are you going?" He screams, thrashing against the metal that bounds him, "We're not done here!"

She ignores him, simply moving to the door and waiting for it to open. As soon as it does, she moves away without a second glance, straight into Kara's awaiting arms, who conduct her into somewhere private and far enough so she doesn't hear his screams as clearly.

Her tears fall without her authorization, and soon enough there are sobs leaving her lips as well. Kara is holding her tightly against her chest, whispering strained assurances into her ear. Once Lena's sobs stop falling out, she moves away so that she can look Kara in the eyes.

"Why are you crying?" She asks, catching Kara's tears as they fall with the pads her thumbs while her palms rest on her jaw.

"I can't help it," She says as more tears fall, in tandem with Lena's, "Seeing you cry makes me cry."

Lena nods, taking deep breaths. "Let's calm down."

Together, they take deep breaths while their gazes are locked. The warmth surrounding Kara moves on to hold Lena, and the brunette hopes her presence somehow helps Kara as well.

"Are you okay?" Kara asks when they're both not crying anymore.

"Yeah. Thank you."

Kara's response is to kiss her softly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

 

* * *

 

Per Maggie's insistence, because she claims they should embrace the relaxed _(ish)_ time they have before another huge problem surfaces, they all meet later that day at the alien bar to have some drinks.

Kara and Lena go together, and when they step into the bar, all their other friends are there. They all greet her in a hug chorus of  _hallelujahs_ and  _finally_ and excited  _Heys_ (the last one coming only from Maggie and Mon-El).

"Hey, little Luthor!" Maggie says when she walks out the booth and greets Lena with a hug, "It's been so long."

Lena sighs, content. "I know, I should've called more."

"Yes, you should have."

Maggie moves on to hug Kara as well, and Lena is suddenly pulled into the booth and settles forcibly on Mon-El's side. She glares at him and he apologizes before squeezing her in a quick hug. She greets the others in the table, which consists of Winn, James, J'onn and Alex. Then, Kara sits next to her with a supporting hand on her knee and Maggie returns to Alex's side.

"What took you guys so long?" Alex asks.

A faint blush paints Kara's cheeks, not very noticeable to anyone but Lena who was already expecting it. "Lena wanted to change clothes before coming."

She nods before returning her attention to Maggie, and everyone else on the table resumes their conversations as well. Lena shifts closer to Kara, placing her lips on her ear, and ignoring the goosebumps that arise, whispers.

"You forgot to mention the events that happened after taking my previous clothes and before putting these on."

Immediately, her blush darkens and so do her eyes, turning to look at Lena with an enticing precision. Before Lena gets lost in them, she smirks and turns around, unintentionally catching the wink Maggie sends her way.

"Lena," J'onn says, catching her attention, "What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Oh," she says, feeling hesitant and unsure for some reason. Kara squeezes her knee under the table. "Well, I lost L-Corp to JAck Spheer and - "

"You what?" Kara says, scrambling to put some distance between them to look her in the eyes. "Oh my God I completely forgot about that because of Lex and - I'm so sorry, Lena." 

"It's okay, Kara. I understand, you don't have to apologize. I honestly didn't remember until now." 

"How could they do that?" James stars, "I mean, he's an idiot, and the media has done nothing but assure everyone of that."

Lena laughs. Even if she and James aren't exactly friends and they mostly enjoy each other's company only in the midst of their group of friends, she appreciates his attempt of levity.

"They said that it's not definite and said that it was a month trial, to observe his work and all that. But I'm not holding my breath."

J'onn nods. "And how can I help?"

Lena twists her hands, nervous. Kara settles her own on top of hers, efficiently stopping their twiddling. "I was wondering if I could work at the DEO, you know, just this month at the least, because I'll go crazy if I stay at home all the time."

He smiles at her. The understanding on his face is bright and Lena feels protected by him, for some reason. "Of course you can, Lena. It's our pleasure to have you."

"Yeah," Says Alex, nodding along.

"Thank you." Her voice is quiet, suffocated by the affection everyone keeps showing her.

Kara's hand connects with hers and Lena smiles.

"Lena, this is great! We're going to spend so much time together!" Says Mon-El, hugging her tightly and forcing her face into his chest, to everyone's amusement.

 

* * *

 

Everyone is having a wonderful time, Lena thinks. The night has passed in a blur of drinks, jokes, and laughter. Currently, Lena is at the bar, waiting for their third-round of drinks. There's a permanent smile on her face, one that shines much brighter when she catches the sight of Kara laughing with her head thrown back at something Winn said.

"So. You and Kara, huh?"

Lena startles, spinning around to look at an amused Maggie leaning on the bar. As much teasing as Maggie does, there's also some affection behind her words, so Lena lets her guard down in front of her.

"Yeah..."

She nods, smiling at Maggie. The cop looks at her for a few seconds before bursting out laughing, probably at Lena's lovestruck look.

"God, you're so whipped, little Luthor."

Lena laughs as well. "I really am."

"Have you told anyone?"

"Only you and Mon."

Maggie hums, "Is there a reason why you haven't told the rest of them?"

"I don't think Kara wants to," She says, and her smile drops the tiniest bit.

"What makes you say that?" Asks Maggie, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"It's just that, she didn't tell Alex, and she tells Alex everything, so maybe she's not ready yet."

Maggie nods, her confused expression loosening into something more understanding.

"Do you want to?"

"I do. But I respect Kara, so it can wait."

Their drinks arrive, and they move to bring them to the table. Everyone thanks them, obnoxiously loud and way past tipsy, not that anyone minds.

Lena sits back down, not without fumbling over Kara's lap to sit next to Mon-El, due to his insistence. He's been quiet today, and Lena has caught him numerous times focusing on something on the bar. 

"Hey, are you okay?" She asks him, bumping her shoulders on his to get his attention.

"Yeah."

"What are you looking at?"

He sighs, momentarily turning his head down in embarrassment. Lena frowns and settles a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, what is it?"

"Winn says I have a crush."

"Winn says?"

"Well, I explained my feelings to him and he said that on earth it's called a crush, what I feel."

Lena nods, smiling at him in reassurance. "Who is it?"

He looks up, focusing again on someone on the other side of the bar. "It's the girl over there on the bar. Her name is Susan."

Lena follows his line of sight and sees a brunette woman sitting on the bar. "She's alone, Mon. What are you waiting for? Go talk to her."

He shakes his head, insecure. "I don't know if I can, Lena. What if - "

"Mon, in the ten seconds I looked in her direction, she looked at you at least twice. Trust me, go talk to her."

He takes a deep breath, holds it in as if it'd help him gather his courage. In the end, it does work, because he stands and goes over to the girl's side. Lena watches him like a proud mother.

She's distracted with him, and that's why she jumps when Kara nuzzles her temple. "Hey."

Lena laughs, turning to look at her with an affectionate look on her face. "Hello."

"So..." Kara says, smiling at her, "I heard your conversation with Maggie."

The brunette swallows dry, embarrassment clouding her, although she's sure there's nothing really to be embarrassed about. "Oh?"

Kara hums. "I want to tell them too, you know. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't know if  _you_ wanted to."

Lena laughs and buries her head on Kara's neck, feeling Kara's body shake with her chuckles. "We're so messy."

"No, we're not."

Lena straightens her neck to look at her, to see the admiration in her sapphire eyes and the contentedness in the tilt of her lips. With a smile of her own, she kisses her briefly.

"No, we're not."

They stare at each other for some time, happy to spend the rest of the night in their tiny bubble of love, where Lena feels as safe as she ever could. It's refreshing and warm simultaneously, because looking at Kara is like breathing the fresh hair after being covered for a long time, and so natural at the same time, as if it was meant to be.

"So," Alex interrupts, and when they turn to look at her, every one of their friends is looking at them as well, "Is it safe to assume that you two are finally together?"

 

* * *

 

 

Now that everyone knows, Kara becomes so much more giving when it comes to affection. She kisses Lena because she wants to, and holds her hand, and hugs her. Those are the most apparent developments in their dynamic, and Lena is very thankful for them, so she tries to give back as much as she can. Besides that, there's something more honest about their interactions, more intense. Now, they don't have to pretend, and Lena feels Kara much closer than she ever has.

It was late at night, or early in the morning, when they separated with their friends at the front of the bar. Kara insisted on walking her home, and Lena is very thankful for that, because even if she spent the previous night with Kara, something inside her is thriving knowing there's an opportunity to sleep next to Kara once more.

When they reach Lena's building, the brunette turns to look at Kara, who seems reluctant to leave as well.

"Should I go? I-I mean, I should go." Kara says, much to Lena's amusement.

"Do you want to stay?" She whispers.

Kara nods, smiling. "I do."

As soon as they arrive at Lena's apartment, it doesn't take them long to connect - like magnets, they're just bound to meet in the middle. So their lips connect, and clothes are removed as they move through the house until they finally reach the bed, completely naked. They breathe together, they move together, they climb towards the edge of their love together, and they fall together as well. But Lena isn't afraid of falling anymore.

Once they're finally satisfied, they lay embraced in the middle of the bed. Kara's head is on Lena's chest and her arms are holding tightly onto the brunette, their legs tangled under the thin sheet Kara deposited over them. Lena's hands are running through Kara's hair, massaging her scalp.

Her mind is elsewhere though. She remembers the courage she inflicted on Mon-El, and with a deep breath that elevates Kara's head, she gathers her own.

Kara turns to look at her, "Is everything okay?"

The former-CEO only stares at her for a few seconds, heart beating wildly, which only causes Kara's eyebrows to furrow further, completely exposing her crinkle in between them. Lena looks at it, the adorable feature that makes Kara so much more beautiful, and raises her finger to rub gently against it. She takes a risk.

"Will you go on a date with me?"

Kara releases a breath, a strangled chuckle leaving her lips, "You were worrying me, Lena. I thought it was something bad."

"Sorry," She says, massaging Kara's scalp once more.

"Of course I'll go on a date with you."

"Really?" Lena asks, relieved. "When can you?"

Kara hums, laying her head on Lena's chest once more and closing her eyes, releasing a sleepy sigh. "Whenever you want, Lena, I'll make the time. Just not now 'cause I'm sleepy and I wanna cuddle you."

With a content sigh of her own, Lena continues her ministrations on Kara's head.

Kara was a risk as much as she was the reward.


	22. Chapter 22

Lena never would've thought that going on a date with someone she's already dating was so stressful. Granted, she hasn't been to many dates before, but even if she did, she never went on one with Kara, so she supposes she'd be nervous anyway.

It's been five days since Lena asked her out, and yet no date has been set due to how busy they've both been. Lena is not as busy as she was with L-Corp though, and she'll even admit that she misses it, even if she never thought she would.

She has always wanted to work behind a lab, unnoticed and alone. But now that she returned to that type of job, she can't help but feel like she's just standing in the sidelines while Kara and Mon-El work the danger head-on. And it's not like she doesn't understand the importance of the work she's doing, but there are so many scientists working at the DEO that she knows for a fact that no matter the amount of Ph.D.'s she has, for the vulgar problems that they so far have been facing, her mind isn't necessary stimulated.

She thinks that there's something about being the head of the company, the one who controls and is aware of everything that somehow spurred her great desire to lead. Almost as if L-Corp was the pack to her alpha, no matter how ridiculous it sounds to her own mind. But she can't ignore it - they say that a wolf is weaker when it's alone, and Lena can't help but think that she's been much stronger ever since she met all her friends. This is proof that love isn't a weakness, and she might even write a report to both Lex and Lillian explaining it to them.

Anyway, she's not really sure where she'll take Kara. She knows of Kara's responsibilities, of her investment into helping others, so even if she wants the both of them to have a good time, she also wants to make sure Kara feels free to leave whenever she needs to.

It's days later, by accident, when she figures it out.

It was late at night when the phone the DEO gave her started ringing. She was sitting on her bed with a book on her lap, although she was instead focused on her bedroom's TV where the live feed from Kara and Mon's fight with a huge alien was being broadcasted, wondering where they are so she could go help. When she answers the phone, J'onn asks her to get to the DEO as soon as possible. So she quickly dresses and speeds towards the headquarters.

"What do you need me for?"

"We need your help to make a sedative for our target. Kara and Mon-El are trying to stop it but it's too strong. Several people have been hurt and it doesn't seem to be subdued easily."

He nods in Alex's direction in the labs, and she quickly moves there.

They work together after that, first discussing possibilities and then engineering the best way to produce it. In the end, they come up with a gas that Kara would have to release into the giant's nostrils because it doesn't have a mouth.

Because Kara can't leave Mon-El there and come retrieve it nor the other way around, and because J'onn had already come to their help, Lena quickly moves to their site, ignoring Alex's protests.

It's not particularly close to the center of National City, but not exactly very far away either - it's just enough that the very few buildings built there are mostly abandoned and there's not really any people around besides the media. It's almost peaceful if it weren't for the huge alien trying to hurt everyone.

Once she gets there, she's not sure what exactly she should do. The alien looks almost like a giant octopus, but with only three giant tentacles. One of them is holding onto a building where the alien is currently glued to, another one is holding both Kara and J'onn in a curled grip, and the last one is pretty much fencing and diverting Mon's attacks. Which leaves Lena to disperse the gas.

Because she, unfortunately, can't fly, she speeds inside the building where it's stuck to and moves to the terrace. Once she gets there she sends a prayer to the sky, before climbing onto the tentacle that was wrapped close to the roof of the building and practically slides down on it until she reaches its head. It's not an easy task to do, mostly because all the noise around her really screws with her equilibrium, and she almost fell a couple of times. But she does reach it, and then all she has to do is gather both her courage and the container so she can finally press the button and stop any more destruction.

She's vaguely aware of her name being called with some kind of warning, but she doesn't pay it any mind, simply focusing on the task at hand. Arms stretched around the surface of its neck, she sidewalks as close as she can to its face. She has been noticed though, and even if all its limbs are busy, it does flail his head around and Lena almost loses her footing more than once. When she thinks she's close enough, she presses the button.

After a few seconds, she can tell by the way the alien is balancing wildly that it's working, and she doesn't have much time to get to somewhere solid before being squished behind it. So, gathering as much strength as she can on her lower limbs, she jumps.

She shocks herself with the height she managed to get, and when her hands come in contact with the railing of the terrace, she finally releases the breath she was holding ever since she jumped. She pushes herself up and lands on the concrete floor. Dusting herself, she looks back down to find two struggling aliens - Kara and J'onn - trying to get out of the alien's curled tentacle. She chuckles at the sight.

Looking back up to thank whatever god that helped her, all her thoughts halt.

So far away but seemingly so close, the silver deep color of the moon shines brighter than she has seen it shine in a long time. It tugs a familiar feeling from deep inside her, a satisfaction that almost pains her in the longing that settles deep in her belly. Because she can never get enough. 

The stars are clear as well, and she supposes it's because of the lack of human activity in this particular zone. Either way, she's thankful.

A loud crashing breaks Lena out of her thoughts.

"Are you okay?" Kara asks, and the glow on her face is just as pretty as the sky.

Lena nods, slowly, distracted. Her mind is clearly elsewhere, which concerns Kara even more.

"Come on. We need to go back to the DEO."

With a muttered  _"May I?"_ she moves towards Lena and scoops her off her feet, one hand under her knees and another around her back, they silently move towards the headquarters. Lena silently morns when the sky becomes decreasingly clear.

She's still silent when they finally reconvene with Alex and explain everything that happened.

"Lena."

J'onn catches her attention and pulls her out of the state of nostalgia she was in. Not enjoying the melancholy in her own brain, she puts her hands in her pocket and silently hisses when her fingers burn.

"What were you thinking? You can't just climb an alien threat without orders to do so. You weren't even supposed to be there in the first place."

"I was just trying to help." 

Her eyebrows furrow with the disapproving tone in his voice. She did help, and even if they didn't ask her to, they could've been dead if she didn't. And she's not trying to gloat, she's genuinely confused as to why two sets of eyes are staring her down angrily. Only Mon-El seems to be on her side, although Kara isn't really looking at her at all, which confuses her even more.

"You're not an agent, Lena. You can't just jeopardize our missions like that." 

"Jeopardize? Look, J'onn, you were all struggling and I didn't want you to be hurt, or worse, dead, so I did something about it."

"Well, you shouldn't have. If it went wrong how could we explain that a civilian was hurt while under the DEO's protection? You're a consultant, Lena." 

His volume is increasingly louder, and Lena's brain feels hazy with memories.

"I have the abilities to help, so I did. And everything turned out okay."

"Your abilities don't make you special, Lena. You have no training, Lena, you could've been hurt!"

_A broken sob escaped her as she watched everyone she loved get slaughtered -_

_All her family is dying in front of her eyes -_

_She's too scared and fragile to help, she doesn't know how -_

_Her mother whispered confessions of love, and told her to go away. Run. Not to turn back -_

"What was I supposed to do?"

Her voice gets higher. She puts her hand in her pocket again and rubs the wolfsbane in between her fingers, continuously, no matter how much she feels like they're melting. Kara comes to stand by her, probably aware of the speed with which her heart is beating. She interlaces their fingers.

"You were supposed to wait here, protected, while Alex and other agents came to the site with the disperser."

_She watched everyone she loved get slaughtered -_

"Wait here doing what? Watch the three of you get squeezed to death?"

"Just as long as you don't get hurt."

With that, she shakes her head. She doesn't want to wait, doesn't want to watch the people she loves get murdered once more, especially now that she knows for sure that she can help. She's not going to wait for anyone's authorization to do so. The thing about tragedy is that it's always there, leaves some residual effect, even if you don't remember it. But unfortunately, she remembers.

"I'm going home," She says as she moves to leave the DEO.

"Lena, wait!" Kara says as she runs after her, ignoring J'onn's orders as well.

"You should talk to him, or else he'll think I'm influencing you."

Kara finally catches up to her, gently takes hold of her arm to halt her movement. "I don't care. Just, please, let me fly you home."

Lena nods in response, reluctantly, before being held against Kara's chest again this evening.

When they arrive, both of them move inside the house through the window. The place is dark, but Lena's moments at this point are so mechanic that she doesn't think the light would make any difference. Kara seems to sense it, so she stands out of her way, visibly hesitating between staying and giving her some space. It catches Lena's attention, and she softens. She moves towards Kara, grabs both her hands gently while intently looking at Kara's face gradually softening as well, and asks her to stay because she wants her company.

"Of course I'll stay."

After that, Lena gets a quick shower. When she opens the bathroom door Kara is still there, sitting in her bed with Lena's National City sweatshirt, hair in a messy bun at the top of her head. Lena falls a little more in love.

She moves to the bed, laying down with her head on Kara's lap, and the blonde smiles at her before tracing her fingertips reverently over Lena's features.

"Are you mad at me too?"

"No, but I do wish you didn't put yourself in harm's way."

Lena scoffs, trying to move away but Kara holds her by the shoulders, apologetic.

"You wanted Mon-El to be a hero. Why can't I?"

"Because I can't stand the thought of losing you."

"How do you think I feel about you, then?"

"I know. That's why I'm not mad at you."

Lena sighs, losing all the fight inside her once again. 

"What is this really about, muffin?" Kara asks, a teasing tilt in her features besides her serious eyes.

Lena releases a chuckle at her attempt of teasing before releasing a big breath.

"I just don't want to watch everyone die or get hurt again, especially when I can help."

Kara comes down to kiss her forehead softly, and Lena closes her eyes, savoring it, before focusing them on the view of the sky she has from her bedroom windows.

"I saw all my family get murdered, Kara. And I did nothing, I hid. And I know, I was a child, there wasn't much I could do. But... I can now."

"I know, Lena. I know..."

"I know you know, Kara. You know more than anyone and I'm sorry that you have to listen to me when - "

"No, Lena. You can feel things, just like I can. You don't have to apologize for feeling, especially to me okay?" She asks and waits for Lena's nod before continuing, "You and J'onn will talk tomorrow," Lena groans, "You will, Lena. And then he'll understand and I'll even ask him to let you help me. But only on the easier missions, for now."

Lena nods, her vision clouded partially by now thankful tears. Kara moves to lay down in front of her, embracing her and pulling her body to rest over Kara's and her head to rest on her chest. Lena remains watching the sky.

"Are you free tomorrow?" Lena asks.

"Depends. What for?"

"I want to take you on that date we talked about."

"I'm free," Kara answers, momentarily holding her tighter. 

The blonde deposits a kiss on her head, and Lena falls asleep that night with possibilities in her head and warmth in her chest.

 

* * *

 

 

"Can I open my eyes now?"

"No!" Lena laughs.

Looking around the building, she thinks she did a pretty good job. What was once an abandoned, dirty terrace now became a space illuminated with fairy lights and fake flower petals. On the center of it, there's a bean bag, a laptop resting on it with all of Kara's favorite movies and take out, which Kara already sensed due to her sudden impatience.

"Come on," Kara groans, although her smile remains in place.

Lena laughs, "Okay you can look."

She waits with her breath held in as Kara looks around the space. She takes a few steps around with her mouth hung slightly open, and Lena thinks maybe she did a good job, but then she might have not and Kara is taking so long to say something because she hates it and wants to go home and - 

"Lena, this is beautiful," Kara says, and Lena allows herself to sense the awe in her voice.

She rubs the back of her neck self consciously, shrugging. "You can get a lot done when you're trying to avoid your boss, I guess."

The blonde only moves towards her, laughing quietly before pulling Lena into a deep kiss that shows her just how much she liked it. Lena is just happy to be rewarded.

"Thank you, this is perfect."

"No, you are," Lena says, with a cheeky smile.

Kara only rolls her eyes before kissing her once more, then moves towards the food.

"Come on, I'm starving."

They eat while exchanging small talk, which mostly consists of Kara mentioning over and over just how much she likes Chinese food and potstickers. Lena still listens attentively no matter how many times she heard the same speech.

After eating everything, which Kara was glad to do, they move towards the bean bag to watch Tangled, then Shrek, and then Spirit, because Kara just loves kids movies, and Lena loves Kara. Kara settles down first, with Lena following to sit in front of her, head on her shoulder with Kara's hands and legs wrapped around her. Lena mindlessly twists the necklace that is still hanging on Kara's neck.

It's in the midst of the third movie that Lena isn't able to contain her attention in the screen any longer, and gives in to her urges to stare unabashedly at the sky. The same ache settles inside her, but with Kara beside her, it's not unpleasant. It's a deep desire to carve this moment onto the moon so that every time she looks up she'll simply remember - all the love, the warmth, the fun. Just how it feels to be with Kara.

She doesn't notice Kara has paused the movie and is staring up as well until she hears her speak.

"It's beautiful here, isn't it?"

"Yes, it really is."

"It reminds me of home."

Lena searches for her hand and brings it to her lips to kiss her knuckles. "Me too. I spent a lot of time with my mother just staring at the moon. It feels particularly amazing to us."

Kara nods, understanding. "On Krypton, we couldn't actually see the sky. But here on earth, you can still see the remaining light of Rao."

"Where is it?" Lena asks, turning to look at Kara to appreciate the moon reflected in her eyes,

Kara points a finger ahead, and Lena tries to follow it. "It's right there," Kara says. Lena doesn't really see it, not with so many stars there, but she nods anyway, and brings Kara's hand up once more to lay a faint kiss on her palm.

They remain like that for some time, just staring up at the sky and letting their own memories envelop them, until Kara breaks their silence.

"I have something for you," Kara says, and Lena turns to look at her.

"My mother gave me a necklace as well, before I left Krypton," She starts, "And I've been thinking about this for some time, really, but I decided that I want you to have it."

"No, Kara, you really don't have to."

"I want to, Lena. I really do."

For some reason, after she produces a small box out of her pocket, there's a dark blush covering her cheeks, and Lena is so full of love that she can't help but push forward and kissing her cheek gently, hoping to ease her nerves.

"I-I, well, I decided to turn it into a bracelet, be-because  I love you and - "

"Kara," Lena interrupts, not really listening anymore, "this is so beautiful, Kara. It means the world to me, you have no idea. I love you." 

There are tears in her eyes, and Kara must sense them because she groans. 

"Lena, stop, I'm going to cry too."

"I can't help it, Kara. I'm just really happy."

"Then just smile, Lena. I put mascara on today."

Lena just laughs and hugs Kara tightly, head pressed into the blonde's chest. Her feelings course through her whole body, all throughout her veins. And for the first time, even if it still burns through her veins, the warmth feels so freeing.

"I love you too, Lena."

 

* * *

 

 

 

Later that day, Lena receives a phone call from Carl explaining that the board is scheduling another meeting, and judging from the relief in his voice, Lena starts thinking that maybe everything is falling into place.

 

* * *

 

"So, I heard you and Kara were engaged," Alex says, interrupting Lena while the brunette was saying her goodbyes at the DEO.

Lena stops, abruptly.

"Wait,  _what?"_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my first and probably the last attempt at writing, so I hope you enjoyed it.  
> I'm also very sorry for the 3 months delay before completing it, but I have ADD, which means I can love what I'm writing just as easily as I can suddenly get incredibly bored, so most of these chapters were written in like a two days spur before I got bored with it again. Sorry not sorry :/  
> Anyways, because of that, even if I do have many ideas, I'm just not sure if I should commit to them  
> Again, I just hope you guys enjoyed this one. see ya


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